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What creates a relationship that will last the long term.
March 13, 2018

Get to know each aspect of Gottman’s Sound Relationship House and make sure you have and maintain them in your relationship.

Every Marriage and Family Therapist is familiar with Dr. John Gottman’s theory of the Sound Relationship House, the seven things that fortify a relationship and make a marriage strong. Gottman has done so much research on what makes great marriages and what predicts divorce, by studying, testing and interviewing thousands of couples over many decades, that therapists know it’s extremely worthwhile and teach it to clients routinely.

When it comes to questions a person should be able to answer about their partner before getting married, it’s wise to look at the foundation issue of the Sound Marital House, which Gottman calls, Building Love Maps. This involves being curious and knowledgeable about the history, hopes, desires and interests of your partner. I often tell clients that if you’re successful at building love maps, you would be able to take a multiple-choice test about your partner’s life, hopes and dreams, and you’d get a high score. The way we get there is by being curious, asking questions, listening and absorbing. If you’re truly interested in who your partner is and where they’ve been and where they want to go, this should not be difficult.

We date a person to figure out if they are right for us, but a relationship won’t have legs to weather storms until the couple solidly bonds over time. The bonds will be the healthy foundation on which the relationship stands. Bonds are built by building love maps through many conversations and experiences together. These conversations and experiences lead to mutual admiration and affection. Now we have enough stock in the relationship to be able to weather the inevitable bumps and potholes that come with long term relationships. Once the foundation is formed and the bonds built, you must continue building love maps as people will change and grow in a multitude of ways.

I do have to mention difficulties you may encounter, however. I have always been a curious and interested person, and when I started dating my children’s dad years ago, I’d ask him about his life, past girlfriends, what life was like on his dad’s farm, “Hey, what was your former stepmother like?” His response: “I don’t want to talk about it.” He avoided any conversation about his life for all the years we were together, and what I did learn his sister told me. I was not a therapist then, and I wrote it off as, “He must be a private person,” and I respected that.

I wasn’t a counselor then, but if I was, I would have seen his closed-off behavior as a huge red flag. I would have known this is a man who won’t let me know who he is, who only reveals the parts of himself he chooses for me to see. There will not be emotional intimacy and deep connection because he won’t allow it. Although in the beginning of the relationship he took his wall down long enough for me to fall in love, he soon slammed the door shut and would never open it again. I had been seduced into the relationship, then left standing by myself. This pattern is not unusual in relationships.

These sorts of experiences are how we learn about life and people, and I learned a lot from that. Our eventual divorce led me to seek answers about what went wrong, what does a healthy relationship look like, because I never wanted to go through an experience like that again. That is how I ended up becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist, so all that experience and education has taught me that what Gottman writes about is true and worth knowing. It also helped me to understand what needed to be present if I was ever to have a healthy relationship.

I do have a healthy relationship today, and this knowledge is a vital part of that. If I was back in the dating scene the things I’d need to know before committing for a life-long relationship would be:

  1. If you become disillusioned with our relationship and the feeling lingers, will you tell speak up so we can address it right away?
  2. If we get into trouble we can’t resolve, will you go with me to get professional help?
  3. Will you work hard to bring your best self to the marriage?
  4. Will you be open and transparent to me, and show up as your true self?
  5. Will you be my best friend, and put our relationship first, above your biological family and our children?
  6. Will you be loyal and dependable? Will you be there for me?
  7. Will you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, learn my Love Languages and fill my needs in these areas on an ongoing basis?
  8. Will you be balanced in the time you spend on your career, hobbies, family, friends, making sure that our relationship has been fed and nourished as a priority before filling up free time with other interests?

This list may be eye-opening and seem like a lot, and it’s meant to be. We often hear that having a good marriage takes a lot of work, and these things are part of the work that is involved. Work is a verb and implies action. Good marriages take lots of action. As I go down the list, I am also keeping in mind the things couples who come see me complain about. They wouldn’t have most of these complaints if they were working on these very important areas in the relationship. The bottom line is, marriage is for big boys and girls, who are able to stay aware, mindful and tuned in to themselves and their partners. When there’s an issue, they take care of it immediately.

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November 27, 2017

A step parent can make or break a successful family holiday.

Impudent step daughter, unreachable video gaming step son, and your spouse’s ex who doesn’t help the situation at all. No one told you how hard step parenting would be, but they should have. I always tell my clients considering marriage to a person who already has kids, it’s going to take a huge heart and nerves of steel to be successful at it.

With a blended family and you will have problems that intact families do not have. Step kids – or steps – can vary widely in age – some involve babies and toddlers and others, teens or even grown children. Therapists know that relationships between the non-bio moms and non-bio dads and their step kids are likely to involve land mines of sensitive feelings and resentments, no matter the age. Combine that with immaturity, and, well, I’m about to help you with that.

First, understand that being a step parent is a choice, and if you decided to take this difficult challenge on, you must bring your best self to the table, no matter how old the kids are. Whether you are older or younger than they are, you must be the one, the adult, who sets the standard of respectful behavior toward the ones who gained you as a family member through marriage. Steps can and will stoop to low levels of behavior, though you must not.

Now, think about what it is like for a child to have his or her parent bring a new person into their family. Most children would like to have their parent to themselves, without that intrusion, but they tolerate the step parent because they want their mom or dad to be happy. It may take years for a child to feel comfortable and warm to this new person being around, or it may never happen. The only thing a step parent can do is be graceful, let it be what it is, and don’t try to force things.

Now, with that in mind, here is a list of step-dos and don’ts that will help you now and throughout the years.

General step do’s and don’ts that will ultimately help you through the holidays and other times:

• Don’t make them call you mom or dad, don’t have expectations. If they are blatantly ugly to you, simply tell them that these words are hurtful to you and you are always open to a warmer relationship.

• Don’t talk about their mom or dad or the divorce. Whether it is your spouse or the ex, don’t infer, insinuate, or say directly anything at all about their parents. Most steps are fiercely loyal, so nothing good will come from it. Allow them to display photos of their parent in your home. If they talk about their parents to you, validate them and stay neutral. If the parent is deceased, allow them to honor that parent however they see fit.

• Don’t bribe. If you think you can buy a step child’s love, you’re wrong. They will be happy to take what you offer, but then they will only think of you in terms of what you can give them. Let them get to know you, the person, so they can bond with that instead.

• Do adopt the stance of a kindly friend and inspirational coach. If the children are older than 9, a stepparent should let the natural parent do the parenting, and the two of you can discuss what that is going to look like when the children aren’t around. Stepparents must be respectful, gentle and kind with the children that are not theirs. Even if the children are not responsive in the beginning, keep maintaining an adult, respectful stance. If they are unkind and land an arrow through your heart, tell them so: “Wow, you refusing to talk to me really hurts my heart. I so want to be your friend. I am ready and willing when you are.”

• Treat stepchildren equally even though it is impossible. Just do your best to treat every child the same, be attentive and interested in who they are. Try to learn what scratches each child’s itch when it comes to love languages … usually it’s quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service or gifts. Little ones may love hugs. Make a point to pay attention to them when they speak, to comment on what they say, to point out positive things you hear, and to be a fan of who they are becoming. Within the home, create a space for each child that is theirs and is made special for them.

Now, for a holiday idea that will help blended families get off to a great start.

When everyone is together for any length of time, begin with a family meeting. The tone of this will be fun and friendly. Bio and step parents should be in the best of moods and express their excitement and appreciation of the opportunity to be together. Each spouse could present a small token gift to each stepchild with a short comment about how and why they chose the gift, and what it means to have that child there today. (Keep it under $20). Once the parents are done, have each child do the same – if the children are young the bio parent can help. The children could present something they made or even a drawing. This will be a wonderful icebreaker and family ritual you could do each year. After the ritual, have a friendly discussion of rules and expectations – stress respect, and tell them what that looks and sounds like. Tell them things such as, bring your best self to the party or remove yourself to a place within the area where you can work out your bad feelings if you have them. Reassure everyone that your goal is for everyone to enjoy themselves.

The step parent role is one of the hardest any person could have. Patience and grace will serve you well in the long term. I have seen the most stubborn rejecting step children melt over the years and finally embrace their step parent as someone they love and cherish, simply because that person was persistently patient, interested and caring.

Doctor Becky Whetstone is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and former journalist, writing for the San Antonio Express-News. She specializes in marriage and mid life crisis, individual struggles, and helping people learn how to have healthy relationships. She lives in Little Rock, Arkansas.

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Avoiding in law holiday disaster: Your spouse visiting your family’s house.
November 12, 2017

If you take your partner to your family’s house for the holidays, you better have their back.

One thing young American couples have in common is that in the first years of their marriage, they usually continue past Christmas traditions with each other’s families, often going back and forth from year-to-year or in one day if they live nearby, as the young bride and groom have not yet stepped into the stage of life where they become the matriarch and patriarch of their own family. Since our families come in all shapes and sizes, we will be dealing within a range from the most un-regimented, accepting, free and easy families to the rigid, nasty, boundary-less, rule-filled and judgmental kind. So, each new spouse needs to have an awareness of what they are dealing with, and that is why a pre-visit conversation should take place between the young pair that includes:

1. Understanding home family customs, traditions, expectations, and foibles. What are the family’s quirks and eccentricities? What do they love, what do they hate? Are they generally accepting of others? Should certain subjects be avoided? A discussion on how the visiting spouse can have the best time and have the most successful visit should be discussed.

2. Will we stay in the home with the family? If there is any question of how the new spouse will be treated, hotel, Air BNB reservations, or a request to stay at someone else’s house should be made. Protecting your new spouse from your family is a huge bond builder and is what any spouse hoping to have a thriving marriage must do. Think this way: I value my spouse’s comfort over my family’s, because when your married, your spouse comes first.

3. Home spouse must lay the groundwork prior to the visit with their family. The home spouse should speak with his/her family prior to the visit and get the lay of the land, set expectations and boundaries, and if necessary, let their family know that no family funny business will be tolerated when it comes to the visiting spouse. Treat the spouse respectfully, period. Once there, if the family blames, judges or negatively interacts with the new spouse, to their face or behind their back, the home spouse will always protect, defend, and side with the new spouse. If anyone talks to the home spouse about the visiting spouse negatively, the conversation is immediately shut down.

4. Do not succumb to home family pressure and control. During the visit, the couple should make decisions together about what they want and are willing to do, and then the home spouse is the spokesperson who sets the boundary. I strongly believe that if you are not able to set boundaries based on your partnership’s best interest, you aren’t ready to be successfully married.

5. Remember the Golden Rule. The wise old biblical rule of, “Do unto others as you would have them do to you,” is a wonderful guide to use when in doubt of what to do.

6. If it doesn’t go well. If, despite all your efforts, you and/or your spouse have a miserable time, don’t return a second time. Seriously. Part of growing up is to be able to stand in opposition to your family when they do not treat you and your family right. When you can do this, it means you are growing up.

By now it should be obvious that in a new marriage, a new spousal unit must be protected at all cost. A visiting spouse must have certainty that no matter what goes on in the home spouse’s family, he or she will have their back. At the same time, a home spouse also needs to know that the visiting spouse will also be kind, open, friendly, pleasant, respectful and helpful to his or her family while there. If you married someone where this is a concern, then good luck, because personal self-control and diplomacy are two qualities that help make marriages work, and lacking those qualities is a predictor of bad things to come. Also, I have seen spouses in my practice who insisted on the holidays being spent at their family’s house always, and they were not flexible on the subject. This presents all sorts of problems that are deeper than just the holidays alone and speaks to the person’s emotional immaturity, so sometimes the holidays show us who are spouse really is, or isn’t. Luckily, immaturity is a fixable thing.

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