Ask what you can do for your relationship.
Committed, adult relationships mean time, work, and focus. It isn’t for everyone. Photo: Becky Whetstone/Canva
f people knew how much time, effort, and giving a successful marriage takes, they might not sign up for it. When I was a child, I watched my mom serve my dad relentlessly and nervously. Both were born before 1920 and if he were standing next to a faucet with a glass in his hand, he would still holler for my mother to come from whatever part of the house she was in to fix him a glass of water. No wonder she associated marriage with slavery, and when he died after 62 years of meeting his needs, she had no desire ever to do it again. “I don’t want to wait on anybody anymore,” she’d say.
Can we have expectations in marriage?
Although times have changed, I still see couples where one or both people have high needs and expectations of the other, and not too different from my father’s expectations of my mother. Marriage in the 21st century does not mean you now have someone who will be at your beck and call to tend to your every need. Instead, it’s a partnership where each person maintains themself individually and then has a relational piece of land they take care of together, called The Marriage. How the marriage is handled is negotiated between the two, and each person gets an equal say. Expectations cannot be created unilaterally.
Choosing a partner who can care for themselves emotionally is important for a healthy relationship. Those who can’t take care of their own needs and maintain their peace and equilibrium without constant contact with their significant people, like close friends and partners, become a burden to those people. In marriage, our partner is supposed to enhance our life, not drag us down.
Q: Sue wants her husband to text her throughout his workday to say he is thinking of her. He says he is busy and having that hanging over his head all day is unnecessary. He says he loves her dearly but is in another zone of concentration when working and doesn’t want to be distracted. Is Sue asking too much?
A: Yes, she is asking too much and has unrealistic expectations. She has an insecure attachment issue, and she wants her husband to jump through hoops throughout the day so she can still feel loved by him. When we’re infants, we are…
Becky Whetstone is an Arkansas native and has a Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Therapy from St. Mary’s University in San Antonio, Texas. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in Texas and Arkansas. 
