Why We’re Screwed Up, and Yes, Childhood, and Parents Matter

It’s easy to screw kids up, and your parents probably did.

No matter what you tell yourself, you’ve probably got some childhood developmental trauma that prevents you from functioning in life the way you might like. Photo: Adobe Stock/Coetzee/peopleimages.com

If you’re struggling with living a life of contentment, and your intimate relationships haven’t been working very well, then I’d bet almost anything you have childhood developmental trauma. (CDT) In counseling, I’m able to show clients how what happened to them long ago, when they were dependent on others, causes them to be dysfunctional today. There is no need to be afraid or ashamed of this truth, it is something that happened to all of us, with few exceptions, no matter what type of family and/or life experiences we had. Growing up is a delicate period of child development, and it is very easy to get traumatized, even by seemingly kind acts and even with caretakers who had the best intentions.

The interesting thing is that many of us deny that we could have been traumatized in our own childhood or minimize what happened. The proof is in the pudding, however, when your presenting issues are described to, or experienced by, your trauma therapist. The types of trauma are explained below, I’m certain you will be surprised by many of them.

What happened to us.

The end goal of parenting is to come out at the end with a human who is grown up and capable of taking care of themselves, has solid will, drive, motivation, and self-worth, as well as able to have healthy adult relationships that involve emotional and physical intimacy, sharing and give-and-take. Suppose we are struggling in any mental or emotional area in our adult years, if our self-esteem isn’t good, and if we don’t know how to set proper boundaries, we take things personally and have harsh reactions, to name just a few, then chances are it is due to childhood trauma. Just today, I spoke with someone who wants to change their life. They said they control how the house is run and how it looks, they shut down for days when their spouse says anything remotely critical, and though they miss their spouse when they travel for work, they’re not very nice to them when they come home. They know it’s all wrong but don’t know how to change it. All these things can be explained by being traumatized in childhood. The good news is all are fixable.