The American family is on life support, star’s romance exposes the divide
Two famous, influential, and beloved people who happen to lean left attract fearful haters and conspiracy theories. Its’ what;s wrong with America. Why can’t we just let people be who they are without demonizing them? Patrick Smith/Getty Images
Our nation is falling apart. We have to do something for the American family, which, like many families, is broken and dysfunctional. Here is what one family therapist thinks …
The past eight or more years, politics in America have changed. They were already bad, don’t get me wrong. There have always been at least two sides going at each other in vehement disagreement over issues like slavery, equal rights, diversity, and acceptance. Republicans and Democrats have been tit-for-tatting one another (at American’s expense) since the beginning. But in the 1990’s the tone changed, and the Internet allowed for anyone in the country to express opinions and present news throughout a 24-hour news cycle. It became more difficult to access what news sources were presenting facts.
How it started.
In 1992 Pat Buchanan, a former White House communications director under Ronald Reagan and a media blowhard who had been running for President and lost the nomination to George H.W. Bush, declared a “culture war” on the future of America at the Republican National Convention.(1) He pinpointed abortion on demand, state-run schools, radical feminism (espoused by Hillary Clinton), homosexual rights, women in combat, prayer in public schools, climate change and environmental issues as offending trends that liberals espoused. Sound familiar? These same issue divide us today, and added to that is gun rights and immigration.
Pat Buchanan’s infamous culture wars speech in 1992. Photo Screen Captured from YouTube Video.
Bill Clinton won the election against Bush that year, but the issues have never gone away, or even been close to resolved. We still fight and disagree about the same old things, year after year. Newt Gingrich, a caustic Republican from Georgia, came on the scene as speaker of the house in 1995, after 50 years of Democratic leadership, and to say there were scores to settle after all that time is an understatement
Newt Gingrich and the way it was in 1994. Not much has changed.
In a functional family, the leader wouldn’t come out shooting at errant family members, but Congress has never been functional. Gingrich chose to rub Democrat’s nose in the poop when the Republicans finally attained power, and continually denigrated and demonized the left and everything they stand for. Roger Stone, an infamous and powerful lobbyist who gained a foothold in molding American politics beginning in the Nixon administration, and then more significantly by trading access to the Reagan administration, has played a sinister role in the state of politics today. Stone changed everything when he crossed lines that had never been crossed in politics while scheming in political backrooms. Openly lying about Democratic lawmakers and policies, he understood that people would believe falsehoods if it came from certain sources. He used lies to widen the divide between the two parties, and was the first to openly embrace extreme policies, such as the idea that America would be better off as an autocracy. His influence is widely viewed as the reason America’s divisions widened, and became more anger-provoking.
Self-professed dirty trickster Roger Stone changed the GOP strategy to winning at all costs, even if it means lying, demeaning, and bullying. Photo: Tasos Katopodis/Getty Images
America’s Political System is a Dysfunctional Family.
In a former life I was married to a United States Congressman (Democrat from Texas) and attended numerous retreats, meetings, and confluences that were either partisan, or bipartisan. At the biennial bipartisan retreats, always occurring in non-election years, there would be breakout sessions with facilitators who were trying to show the two sides how to get along. I was shocked at the bitterness, hatred, and vengefulness expressed between lawmakers in those sessions, and as we all know, the well-funded efforts to get the sides to like one another has always failed, but my children sure enjoyed the weekend. In recent years, the hatred and contempt is no longer behind closed doors. Today, a visit to Donald Trump’s “free speech” social media platform known as Truth Social, firmly espouses that all Democrats are Communists (they are not), pedophiles and child traffickers (they are not), and think it’s okay to “mutilate and kill children” (they do not). I have been permanently banned on Truth Social three separate times for attempting to correct the lies told there; so much for free speech.
When a group pigeon holes another group with false accusations, nothing good will happen after that. The problem in this century is, media sources abound, and so do lies, propaganda, and conspiracy theories. Anyone on You Tube, TikToc or a podcast can become a media star, and media stars will tell you that if it is on radio, TV, or the Internet and spoken by a person of authority, a lot of people will accept what is said as truth with a capital T. As I said, I have spent a lot of time studying Truth Social and its content, for example, and as mental and behavioral health professional who teaches clients how to check their reality daily, there isn’t a lot of reality found there. Joe Biden is dead and an actor is playing him now? Come on.
One of the biggest causes of relational discord is believing things about one another that are not true. When I am dealing with individuals, couples, and families, I teach them not to assume, and to not give voice to any information unless they have the solid evidence to back it up. Any sort of conjecture or assumptions are made up crap, and meaningless.
Client: “It seems like my spouse doesn’t care about me.”
Me: Evidence?
Client: “I have none.”
Me: Do you really believe that they do not care about you? You have any evidence that perhaps they do care about you?
Client: “Uh, I know they care. I don’t know why I even said that.”
Right, it’s important to be accurate, because as soon as we accuse our family member of something that is made up and not true, they will dismiss us as ridiculous and the conversation will end right there. The same is true in politics. One side may accuse the other of wanting or believing extreme positions, and the other side scoffs in disbelief, then dismisses them as a reliable source, and in the end, we can’t communicate. If we can’t communicate, we won’t be able to understand one another, if we don’t understand one another, there can’t be empathy for the pain and frustrations experienced by both sides.
Right wing media: “Democrats want to take away your guns.”
Democrats: No, we do not. We just want sensible gun laws so guns don’t end up in the wrong hands.”
Right wing: “That’s where it starts. The next thing you know, they come for your guns.”
Democrats: (Roll eyes.). Jesus, that’s simply not true.
Fear and Taylor Swift.
I’m a therapist, and though Republican therapists do exist, most therapists are Democrats. It must also be said that just like in any party, every person has different beliefs about different things. One hundred democrats may have 100 different viewpoints, and the same is true of Republicans. Neither side should be thrown in a box as everyone-in-the-party-thinks-the-same. To do that is simply ignorant.
Why are so many therapists left-leaning? The counseling profession attracts compassionate, caring people, interested in social justice, acceptance of all human beings, and letting people be who they are. We espouse these things because we know what a person needs to be healthy mentally and emotionally — the freedom to be themselves. It is rules and conformity that destroy the human psyche, and for anyone to decide how an ideal human should be, like straight, white, religious, for example, the more they create a reality that works for maybe 30 percent of the population, leaving 70 percent to suffer. For human beings to thrive, we have to create a culture where we can all safely be our weird, quirky, imperfect, selves.
When Donald Trump came on the political scene, the underbelly of American resentment and disenfranchisement of the 30 percent was exposed. He made it okay to be grandiose, thinking you are better than others, and contemptuous, looking down your nose in contempt at others. He also made it okay to be boundary-less, unrestrained, and unedited when criticizing his fellow Americans. In marriage, these traits are predictors of divorce, and they don’t work in a society of 331.9 million Americans, either. Trump has normalized saying hateful, nasty things to people you fear, disagree with, or want to control.
Donald Trump changed the rules of discourse when he entered politics in 2016, and normalized hatefulness and contempt. Wire photo.
Our culture had been evolving for years to a more diverse, accepting one. This relieved most therapists, as more acceptance of people’s differences and more laws to protect the rights of all Americans was good for our clients who often report being treated less than by others. Trump and his Make America Great Again (MAGA) movement sought to clamp down on diversity and acceptance, and to go back in time where heterosexual, white, conservative, Christian men could dominate the laws of the land by doing what they wanted, regardless of how it affected anyone else.
The problem is, most American voters don’t want that, and Republicans know it. So how can they still win? By using what power they have to gerrymander voting districts, tightening voter laws, stack the court system with ultra-conservative judges, discouraging people from mailing in ballots, and planting the seeds that the voting system is corrupt (it isn’t) and the left cheats to win. (They don’t.)
The Republican party as influenced by Trump fear growth and change, and use the Stone-influenced tactic of demonizing their opponents to maintain power. Use any means to maintain their ends, which is power. Right wing pundits warn gullible listeners about things that might happen if they don’t vote conservatively. Fear-mongering predictions, like “They’ll take away your guns,” will never will happen, and, incidentally, Democrats don’t want that, either.
So why does the right demonize Taylor Swift, arguably the most powerful person in the music industry, and her boyfriend, Kansas City Chiefs tight end and NFL superstar, Travis Kelce? It’s a unique cultural litmus test for Americans and what they stand for, no? They are being criticized ruthlessly because they are not on their side, and a lot of people love them. Swift is a star and superpower in an industry that attracts diversity, perhaps like no other, so she understands the urgency of letting people be and express who they are. Kelce is adored and resepcted by NFL football fans, which is a huge audience, and has promoted getting vaccinated. All it takes for the right to throw hate at someone is for them to famous, influential, beloved, and left-leaning. The two are minding their own business and enjoying their love story as much as anyone can under insane circumstances, while the media foam at the mouth trying to get any news about them, even reporting when Swift likes a social media post. Getting more media attention than almost anyone, and understanding the potential Taylor Swift’s influence could have on voters, the right has been creating hateful and negative conspiracy theories to get a least part of the population to turn on them. That’s what they do. It’s their playbook.
So the right has declared that Swift is a CIA asset and psyop that must be stopped. What is a psyop? People who influence audiences for their own motives and ultimately, the behavior of government and the world. By that definition, Roger Stone is a psyop, as are thousands of other political blowhards. I would bet my left arm that Swift is not a psyop, she seems pretty busy writing and creating her music and touring around the world, but even if she is, as far as I know, no celebrity endorsement has ever swayed an election. Her or Kelce’s endorsement of Joe Biden may call attention to the candidate and give him a little free publicity for a nanosecond, but that’s about it. Though it is a risk that must weighed if a person chooses to endorse either side, the stakes are so high this time that I hope anyone who influences anybody does speak out.
The right’s relationship with women.
The right is not on good terms with the majority of American women right now. No human being wants to be controlled, and the right has done just that by appointing super conservative, pro life, Supreme Court justices who struck down Roe v. Wade and women’s right to choose. Swift is a shining example of what conservative white men fear the most, a glass ceiling busting woman in a field where for years men ruled. Not so dissimilar from Hillary Clinton, who scared the hell out of the right in the 1990s because of her intelligence, power, and influence, causing them to dedicate themselves to her downfall (They failed). Conservative white men don’t seem to like or appreciate intelligent, ambitious women of any color, and believe that the world went to hell when women began to gain power and become independent. I sometimes wonder how women like Hillary and Taylor Swift survive the onslaught of lies and negativity that comes their way for simply being who they are, but I imagine it’s because they are 1. Solid in who they are, 2. Aware that the right tears down anyone and anything that threatens their power and influence, and 3. Their ultimate goal is to return all of us to the dark ages. They only win if it takes the wind out of your sails, and the chances of these two women cowering at the right’s lies and abuse is nil.
It must be said that conservative white men determined to have things their way has destroyed most everything they have touched for ages. Ask the American Indians, the African American population, LGBT citizens, American women, and people who are not Christians or conservative, and many others. Take a look at our environment, and the beautiful land and water sources that have been destroyed.
They perceive themselves as cowboys in white hats, but for anyone not in their solid 30 percent, they are the villain. It seems that younger generations are more evolved culturally than baby boomers and generation X. They understand and want diversity and acceptance, and like a child who must caretake their older parent who isn’t as sharp as they used to be, they will save our country if they vote in November. Our world would be a lot better off if we just let people be who they are, express themselves they way they want so long as they don’t harm others, and understand that America’s pie is big enough for us all to have a nice, big piece. The way the world is now, if someone gets a nice piece of pie, we want to take and destroy the pie, and the person who is eating it.
If you believe in the energetic laws of the universe, and I do, then at the end of the day, humans are either acting out of love or fear. If it isn’t obvious that the right is mired in fear then I can’t help you. Fear blocks miracles, and love creates them. If the right sees someone on the left getting positive attention, wielding influence, and being admired or beloved, then some (white) man in a room somewhere sends out an all-points bulletin that this person must be destroyed. Never mind the karma of all that, they’re going scorched earth.
The Swift and Kelce romance has been a harmless, positive distraction for a nation bombarded with negativity and bad news. Turn on one channel and see Trump lying, bullying and denigrating people, a mass shooting, or switch and watch a beautiful, young couple and their budding love story. For most of us, seeing that is calming balm and resource that is well-needed and long overdue. I’m no Swifty, I can barely name one Taylor Swift song. I did see her Eras Tour movie, which was impressive, but not even close to my favorite movie ever. I don’t care about her personal life, but I love her as a role model for young women, and I do love watching her with Kelce when they’re at a football game or anywhere else. It makes me smile, and who doesn’t need that?
(1) http://buchanan.org/blog/1992-republican-national-convention-speech-148
Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!
For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.
Becky Whetstone is an Arkansas native and has a Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Therapy from St. Mary’s University in San Antonio, Texas. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in Texas and Arkansas. 
