How do you get a teen to do his homework, go to school, or do whatever it is you want him or her to do?

This is an issue that I see a lot, and it typically goes like this – frustrated parent brings in unmotivated child who has been grounded and punished into oblivion for not doing (insert issue here), and guess what – the punishment doesn’t work … that’s right, even with all the negative repercussions, the problem not only doesn’t improve, it usually gets worse.

So what should a parent do?

First, a personal note to fellow moms and dads … I am the mother of two (age 21 and 19) and raising them has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I’ve screwed up and still make mistakes, but thankfully my kids (and yours) are forgiving and resilient, especially when we parents are flexible with can admit when we’re wrong — can you?

Now, back to business …

Of course, when a teen won’t cooperate, frustrated parents blame the child. They drag their resistant son or daughter in to see me, point and say, “Fix this person!!” Unwittingly the message to the teen is, "There is something defective about you."

What I know is that this is not a kid problem, it’s a family problem. You see, teens are stuck in a dreadful neutral zone between child and adult. Part of them is a child with all of the emotions, playfulness and emotions, while the other part is an adult who wants all the things that adults want. This creates a lethal parental cocktail causing the teen to be dedicated to doing the opposite of what mom or dad wants. The reason is that the half child/half adult wants to be independent, but also must test whether the folks love him or her for what is achieved or who they are. When parents start forcing the issue of grades and things like how well they do in sports, talent, or other activities, the teen will conclude that the parent values achievement. This is depressing to them, so they decide to stop achieving and wait for the parent to show that their love and caring is unconditional. The parent continues attempts to force the child into achievement, horns lock, and the battle is on. In the end, the teen inwardly says, “I will not let dad or mom win.”

Parents need to understand that lasting responsibility and motivation comes from within, not from being controlled and policed … and anyway, teens are smart and know what they’re supposed to be doing. Most of them are not mentally disordered, just in need of acceptance. Pressure and high expectations from you, perceived by your child as "what can you achieve," or "do you measure up?" will likely be counterproductive – think about it – when your parents were nagging and riding you as a teen did it help you to become motivated?

So, mom and dad, this is one tough lesson, but when it comes to your teen, let go … release … and allow your child the space to create his or her own success. Forget the idea that you can make your teen do things … yes, you may succeed in the short term, but you’ll be creating a whole new set of problems that resentment is likely to bring. Now comes the part where you can go to your teen and tell him or her that you have been wrong in your decision to severely punish, and that you will now be allowing them the power to decide their future.

If you release the need to police, your teen may fall on la butt. In this case, take a chill pill and know that there’s nothing like hitting rock bottom or the fear of being known as a loser to create the motivation to succeed.  No, its not fun for a parent to watch, but it’ll be one of the greatest lessons your child will ever learn.

One other thing … when I’m working with teens who aren’t motivated, won’t sleep, go to school or do school work, I will ask for a medical evaluation to make certain that no biological issues are the cause.  If this checks out and the child is healthy, I want to know also if they are motivated in other areas of their life. i.e. they hate school, but love their social life. If they are, then depression is not likely to be the issue. Still, parents should get their child assessed by a licensed therapist, and any interventions such as the  "release and let go" are best done under a therapist’s watchful eye.

I’d love to hear from other therapists and individuals about how they successfully or unsuccessfully handled similar issues with their teens … what did you learn?? Do you disagree? Cone on, let me have it!

One of my dreams as a Marriage and Family Therapist is to work with an architect to design a home conducive to healthy and happy family living. This concept is so fantastic that it will be incorporated as the new template for modern home building.  As a result couples looking for a new home will demand the Happy Family Home Plan, and middle class America will change (for the better!) as we know it.

Sounds great, but the problem is that when I describe the actual characteristics that the house will have many people tend to resist. I know some folks have strong ideas about the way things ought to be, and it’s too bad so many are so quick to bat the idea down because I know what I’m talking about is a damn good idea.

So, without further ado, here are the qualities I feel the perfect family home must have …

1.    His and her master suites. The idea is to maintain some sense of privacy and mystery. That’s right, each partner gets his or her own bedroom, closet, and bathroom. Marriage is based on the assumption that two people create a legal “business” or contract together, and are also supposed to be affectionate, loving and, hopefully, have sex. To me, it’s not healthy for couples who are supposed to find some sort of romantic and intimate connection over the long haul to be around each other all the time. Yes, Ralph and Marie, watching your partner go to the bathroom, attempt to squeeze into pants or pick at their face is not conducive to the sort of lifetime romance I’m talking about. Each person having space and the option to connect is a healthy thing.

Which means that next I am calling for …

2.    A neutral and kid-free zone for adult hanging out together. Call it a den, date room, or whatever you want, but this is the central hangout for the couple. It can have a huge couch or even a bed to lay around, read, watch TV, or snuggle, but whatever you use it for, it teaches children and adults about the importance of maintaining boundaries and separate spaces. Note to those who desperately cling to your kids: Sorry, the little ones need to know and respect that parents have lives and needs, too.

So just for the kids … their own lair …

3.    A kid’s wing. In another part of the house there will be a magical place where kids will work and play. Ideally, the central room of the kid’s wing is a den especially for them with TV, computer, and a table big enough for board games and spreading out homework papers or science projects.  Doors on the walls of this central room will lead straight into their bedrooms. Kids can either have a club or individual bath. With this plan kids can congregate or hibernate …

4.    Toy/stuff closet. One room off the kid’s central room will be a closet where kid paraphernalia such as sports equipment, games, and arts and crafts projects can be organized and stored.

5.    Kitchen/family room combo for family gathering and congregation. A nice-sized room that combines the kitchen and family room for  family meals and general togetherness. I recommend at least 30 minutes of quality family time be spent here a day. That means being totally present and attentive with no TV, computer or cell phone interruptions.

6.    Media Room with comfortable seating for all. Movies, concerts, TV, music … a family media gathering place.

7.    Utility room.  The place for dirty shoes, hanging coats, etc. Each person in the family will have his or her own large cubby space by the door to keep backpacks, books, purses, and briefcases ready to grab on the way out to work or school.

8.    Library. Healthy families read, so we need a place to store books and reference materials as well as DVD’s and CD’s.

9.    His and her office.  In the old days dad got his own office and workspace in which to do his work – now mom and dad get it. This means work is done here and not anywhere else when at home.

OK, so beat me up for creating so many places for people to get away, but you must admit I also offer lots of space for togetherness as well. The important point is that each person in a healthy family needs his or her own space, and couples need individual and together space.  A mature couple (and you have to be mature if you want a healthy family life) will be able to negotiate when to be or not to be without taking it personally.

I am very aware that the Happy Family Home Plan will cost quite a few bucks to build, so if you can’t afford it may I suggest another option – buying two homes side-by-side and living next door to one another. Oops – that’s the suggestion that gets me in the most trouble.

What do you think?