Therapy for Couples, Families & Individuals in Little Rock

doctorbecky August 30, 2016

Has your wife has checked out of your marriage?

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When your wife turns her back on your marriage you can be sure your problems are serious.

Roger is 45 and called to make an appointment. “My wife has changed overnight,” he says. “And she won’t come in to therapy. Help me, what should I do?”

As an experienced marriage therapist, I’m thinking, “She might be having an affair,” and when I ask the husband if she is, he says, “I really don’t think so. She says she isn’t.” At this point I think, “Sounds like he may be in denial, but maybe not …”

Love affairs cast an emotional speIl on people, and when they become infatuated with someone else their behavior will change suddenly. In the cases where isn’t an affair and a wife’s behavior changes, you can be sure she has at least reached a point where she has decided to turn her back on the marriage due to frustration and disillusionment with her husband. She may have made requests of him that have been ignored, waved and danced around trying to get his attention on improving the marriage, and has now given up. When this happens, there are numerous signs that will indicate her shift. Here is what to look for:

She starts doing activities away from the marriage that don’t include you. She is seriously unhappy in the relationship but not ready to leave. She tells herself that she can exist in the unhappy marriage so long as she disconnects and does her own thing as much as possible. This could be new friends, a new lifestyle, an affair, going back to school, trips alone, new activities like exercise, bicycling, yoga.
Her attitude is no longer respectful. She used to treat you with kindness and consideration, but now she doesn’t bother. She may make snide or sarcastic remarks, and stop editing herself with you and around others.
She is less cooperative. She used to be helpful and accommodating. Now not so much: “Pick up your own take-out food,” Bucko, “And while you’re at it, I will no longer be responsible for taking your mother to the doctor.”
She speaks brutal truths. You know how nice I’ve been to your family all of these years?” she says. “Well, the truth is I hate them all, and I hate you, too. I hate your shoes, and the way you hold the newspaper and slurp your coffee in the morning.”

When your wife starts acting in these ways, your married days are numbered. Sometimes it is too late to stop the marital deterioration at this point, but many other times a marriage can be saved with a good Marriage and Family Therapist, especially if your spouse is not emotionally involved with someone else. It depends on your individual situation and the history of your relationship. One thing is for sure, however, if your spouse starts distancing, you had better wake up and hear what she has been trying to tell you or your marriage will end. Distancing always signals her loss of hope for the relationship she has with you, and she’s just going through the normal human process of disconnecting.

Originally published at marriagecrisismanager.com on August 30, 2016.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Becky Whetstone August 15, 2016

Overlooked and ignored relationship issues are often the most important.

Note: Brittany Wong, editor of the Huffington Post divorce page asked me what are some commonly overlooked issues that affect relationships negatively, and I knew immediately what my answer would be. I sent her my comments for an article she is writing on the subject, but as usual I wrote an entire article myself … here’s the result.

Couples often come in to therapy complaining of communication, intimacy and money issues, but there’s another issue that is a big deal and almost always overlooked – it’s shame, or the terrible relationship a person has with their self.

Shame-filled people, and that’s almost all of us, believe at their core that they are defective and something is wrong with them. They beat themselves up for not being good, smart, attractive, athletic or charismatic enough, or for not fitting in. They’re easily injured emotionally, are manipulative, defensive and live life as phonies trying to be who they think they “should” be, rather than who they are. A certain segment of the shame-filled community just gives up on being an effective human being altogether.

Having a low opinion of yourself trickles down negatively to almost every aspect of marriage and ends up being the root cause of virtually every problem – from abuse, adultery and addiction to being dependent, boundary-less, a control freak, narcissistic and countless other dysfunctional ways of being. At the end of the day, a person who is shame-filled cannot have a healthy relationship with another person. That is why I yell from the rooftops that shame is the No. 1 cause of divorce in America and the world.

It really is true that if you don’t love yourself you can’t love anyone else. So another overlooked aspect of relationships is the absolute necessity to bring your best self in mind, body and spirit to your significant romantic relationship. That means if we want to be in a relationship and have it be healthy, we have to start with a healthy self. Bring your best healthiest self to the relationship, work to maintain that, hook up with a mate who is dedicated to doing the same, and you have a fighting chance at having a healthy relationship.

Instead, what I usually see is people who are not mentally, emotionally and physically healthy carrying a bunch of negative baggage into a relationship and then wondering why it doesn’t work. It all starts with each individual being as healthy as they can be.

I tell clients all the time that I practice what I preach. And you know what? Being healthy takes a lot of time and I have to plan for it. I have been working on my own shame issues for years, and feel that I am in recovery from the bad relationship I used to have with myself. I am now very good to me and make sure all my needs are met every day so that I can function well in every aspect of my life.

For my body and mind I know that walking at least 30 minutes a day is good for me physically, but also has proven qualities that enhance brain health and eliminate depression and anxiety. Why wouldn’t I do that? Well, to make it happen I have to get up at 6 am everyday so I can drink one cup of coffee (must have!) and then walk a 45-minute route near my house and still get to work by 9 am. That’s hard, because I am not a morning person, but I do it. The result is that I feel great and have plenty of energy, and I’m in a great mood for the rest of the day.

I’ve noticed that certain foods contribute to how good I feel during the day, and other foods weigh me down. So I take the time to cook healthy meals at home and pack them every morning to take to work. I almost never do lunch or eat take out.

During the day I work at a job that brings me joy, makes a difference on people’s lives and helps me make a pretty good living for my family. I always look forward to work, and am energized at the end of most days when I leave. When I get home I have a healthy relationship waiting for me that I spend a lot of time nurturing and taking care of as well. This contributes greatly to my quality of life, as do our two little dogs who make us laugh every day.

As I work through my days I pay attention to how I feel and keep doing the things I love, and eliminate the things and people who drag me down. It’s Mental Health Management 101. I have conversations with the people I need to so that we can get along, make changes and adjustments, and make our relationships better. I read about healthy relationships and mind and body healthy consistently so I can learn even more about awareness, mindfulness and how to be healthy in the midst of a busy life.

By 9 pm I’m heading off to bed. I was always a night owl, but I’ve changed it so I can get up at 6 for that walk and still feel good the rest of the day. I read in bed for an hour or so, and then call it a day. When the weekend comes I’ll get plenty of rest and exercise, and do the leisure activities and nurture the friendships I enjoy.

What I just wrote about takes a lot of time. Most people I work with have never even thought of working on shame, their relationship with themselves, or have ever thought for more than two minutes about the foods they put in their mouth or how to take action to have a great relationship. And you know what? It shows in how they feel, how their relationships work, and how happy in life they are.

Filed Under: News Tagged: emotional health, mental health, physical health, relationship issues, relationships, shame

Becky Whetstone August 14, 2016

If divorce is unavoidable, here’s how to do it right.

I hate divorce. It’s extremely painful for everyone and leaves many lifelong ugly footprints in so many lives that I’ll do whatever I can to get people to stay together in a healthy way. Still, there are times when there just any fuel left to work on remaining together, and couples decided to divorce. Usually, both people in this situation are emotionally worn out, fearful and anxiety-filled – change is full of unknowns, it can be earthshakingly scary.

Even though divorcing couples don’t feel their best, most start off saying they don’t want things to be nasty, and certainly most reasonable people want to end their marriage in as peaceful way as possible, and that’s how they begin the process. Then the lawyers get involved and the being reasonable mojo is lost. Here’s an example of what is likely to happen:

A. Jim files for divorce. Sue gets a letter and copy of the filing from Jim’s lawyer. She reads it sees that they will be asking for full custody of their children, he wants all of his business he has built, and she will receive no financial support.
B. Sue freaks out and yells at Jim with Mama Bear ferocity.
C. Sue’s lawyer writes Jim’s lawyer and says Sue wants half of the business, 100 percent of her retirement, and wants alimony of more than half his salary and full custody of the children. The lawyer also says that if Jim is not forthcoming with the requests that all of the texts he has been sending to their child’s school teacher will be released to the school, their family, and their friends.
D. Jim freaks out and calls Sue and calls her names she’s never heard him say before.
E. The divorce nightmare begins.

Because I have experienced this personally and have seen it unfold hundreds of times in my work, it has become obvious that something needs to be done to prevent it. Toward that end, here are some ways a divorcing couple can save themselves from all the unnecessary misery:

1. Promise yourself you won’t take the low road. You can’t control your spouse but you can control yourself. Stay as rational, reasonable and respectful as you possibly can no matter what. If you need anti-depressants to help you through, get them.
2. Hire a counselor to lean on. You’re going to need someone to vent to, lean on, coach and help you process things that will be happening and have it be 100 percent safe.
3. Hire a collaborative lawyer and/or mediator. Most lawyers are trained to be adversarial attack dogs with no concern for how their dirty tactics will affect the family who will be living with the aftermath. They want to win at all cost. Collaborative lawyers and mediators are compromise and settlement-minded. They agree from the start to negotiate and work it out, and to not take any of it to the court house.
4. Control and oversee your lawyer. Have a clear understanding with your lawyer or whoever you’re working with that nastiness and aggression will not be tolerated and that you are to approve every message and document that is sent to your spouse or their representative before is sent.
5. Continue to see and communicate with each other in divorce counseling. Hire a family counselor who can provide a safe place for you to communicate and tie up loose ends concerning your lives, children, property and settlement issues. If you have children you will be working together on some level for life, and you owe it to them to get along and be cooperative.

Divorce brings out the worst in people. It strikes us at a core level of primal fears involving safety and survival. It takes a lot of awareness, mindfulness and self-discipline to get through it without creating self and collateral damage, but I am here to tell you that it absolutely can be done. If you ask me, it’s worth it.