Therapy for Couples, Families & Individuals in Little Rock

What does it really mean to be ‘home’ for the holidays?

Hi, all! It’s Dr. Becky’s assistant, Tiffany, back again with another guest blog! I don’t know about you but I’m ready for fall weather. I’m finally looking forward to the holidays. I wasn’t always so eager to embark on a new season, though. As I’ve stated before in my introduction to this blog, I’ve dedicated a large part of my life to being a classroom teacher before having enough sense to step away. During that time I looked at autumn with very weary eyes. Year after year when the leaves started to change color it meant that another stressful school year was underway and it would feel like an eternity until Thanksgiving break and Christmas vacation. Days feel like months when you’re spending most of your waking hours around children who are old enough to talk back. To add to an already bad situation, I never really enjoyed those coveted holiday breaks because I’d feel like I was going off to battle on another front. I would have to spend time with my family.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m crazy about the holiday season but I like it a lot better when I get to pick and choose who I spend time with…and this kind of selectivity is rare for a lot of people. I grew up with strong feelings of obligation to others. My family used Thanksgiving and Christmas as the grand high holidays of obligatory behavior – we HAD TO go have dinner with family members who we really didn’t enjoy being around. Why? Because it’s family, of course. Show up without a gift for the cousin or aunt you only speak to twice a year? That was unimaginable in my house. It didn’t matter to my family if the dinner ended up in an explosive shouting match or awkward silence and tears. We were all together in the house, and it was Christmas. I have only a few ‘good’ holiday memories as a result, because most of the time we were forced to be somewhere we didn’t want to be.

Now that I’m much older I realize that I have options when planning my holiday season. I also understand that there are toxic people who should be avoided at all costs, even if they’re family. Above all else, I’ve learned that ‘home’ for the holidays can mean sending gift cards from the comfort of my living room sofa and not having to go anywhere or entertain anyone. I felt very liberated the year I decided to stay at my own place for Thanksgiving simply because I wanted to spend time with people I actually wanted to see. If any family member’s feelings were hurt by my absence, they’d eventually get over it. I was no longer a child, but an adult making my own choices and deciding and where I felt comfortable. Seriously, though – we live in the 21st century. If Aunt Judy feels slighted that she didn’t get to say hello to me from across a well-decorated Thanksgiving table, she can poke me on Facebook. I’ll get back to her by New Year’s Eve.

Divorce prevention alert: Know now what you’re going to wish you knew later.

When your partner makes a request about something that is important to them, it is crucial that you take it to heart.

When a spouse pleads with their mate to go to marriage counseling, you can bet they’re frustrated – trust me, people don’t just ask their partner to go to counseling if they’re only a little annoyed. Instead, when your partner says, ‘Hey, can we go to marriage counseling?’ it’s pretty indicative that they’ve already made repeated unsuccessful attempts to improve the relationship on their own, and failed.

Yes, your spouse needs change and has cajoled, nagged, bribed and suggested, only to find their requests either ignored or met with delays and excuses. At the point they seek counseling they’re not looking for divorce – yet, but that will probably be on the table later if nothing is done.

Spouses seek the services of a therapist to help persuade their partner that the situation at-hand is serious, and once in my office, here’s what I’m likely to hear:

“I asked him to look into why he has a very low sex drive and he hasn’t done anything.”

“Her obsession with cleaning leaves me and the family with no quality time. I ask her to give us some time but she won’t sit still, so what am I to do?”

“He promised me he would look for a better job after we got married. It’s been four years and he hasn’t done one thing.”

The common dominator in all of these situations is that the unhappy spouse has made an important request regarding something they need or want, and their partner hasn’t been responsive. Get this if you get nothing else from this blog post: It is impossible to exaggerate how much damage being unresponsive to requests does to relationships.

Once your spouse has made a request, and then reminds, and asks, and asks again, and still nothing happens, they will enter the Frustration Zone, and at that point your marriage has entered into a negative spiral that could very well end in, well, The End.

So what about you? You’re the recipient of the complaints. Do you get a say? Of course you do! As we ponder what’s going on between you and your spouse, I will want to know two things:

1. Is the request your spouse making reasonable? Sometimes our spouses ask us to do the impossible or even things that make no sense, other times what they ask of us is entirely doable, and within the realm of reasonable expectations, such as regular sexual activity or spending time together, so which is it?
2. What is the obstacle that makes you unable or unwilling to meet the request? Be honest with yourself.

If your spouse is making an unreasonable request of you a Marriage and Family Therapist will be your new best friend. They will tell your partner this and kindly ask them to back off. If the therapist sees that the requests are reasonable, however, you’ll soon find out that your lack of response will eventually move your spouse from frustration to the much more serious level known as being fed up.

A person who has fallen into in the Fed Up Zone got there by passing through four phases that unfolded over months or years. They are:

1. A request was made.
2. If the request was not responded to, an angry plea was made.
3. If the request was still not responded to, an anguished plea for change will be made such as, “I don’t how long I can do this, I’m barely hanging on here,” or “This is very serious!”
4. If the request is still not responded to, the disgruntled partner will stop asking, and quietly watch and wait for a response. They give up and enter the “fed up” phase characterized by a dismantling of their emotional connection to the other and allowing the relationship to die.

The fed up phase has several characteristics that will end when the disgruntled partner completes their disconnection process and an emotional divorce takes place. When that happens, the mate will be mostly apathetic about their partner and the relationship.

The metamorphosis of disconnection will be apparent by the following signs.

1. Ambivalence sets in and the partner both wants to and doesn’t want to be in the relationship. “I can take it or leave it,” is the idea.
2. A new life blossoms away from the partner. The disgruntled one finds joy and meaning in life somewhere else, and sometimes with someone else.
3. Language changes … references to the future together will be few and far between.
4. Brutal honesty. No longer exhibiting political correctness, you will now hear for the first time how he always hated your sister and mother.
5. New boundaries. Before he was willing to do things he really didn’t want to do with you, now you can forget it.
6. Warnings. If you haven’t been contributing to the family finances, your partner may suggest you take up activities that will lead to you being able to support yourself – “I think you ought to be thinking about getting a job or going back to school,” or “You may not want to be counting on me to support you forever.”

People show signs when they begin to disconnect from a partner. It happens because needs weren’t met, respect wasn’t given, the relationship and time together wasn’t cherished. Unhappy people almost always speak up and tell their partners when they’re feeling disillusioned in whatever way. They turn on their flashers, set off flares, dance around and wave their arms, and then they give up. All because the other person wouldn’t, or couldn’t, respond to the need.

Has your wife has checked out of your marriage?

Roger is 45 and called to make an appointment. “My wife has changed overnight,” he says. “And she won’t come in to therapy. Help me, what should I do?”

As an experienced marriage therapist, I’m thinking, “She might be having an affair,” and when I ask the husband if she is, he says, “I really don’t think so. She says she isn’t.” At this point I think, “Sounds like he may be in denial, but maybe not …”

Love affairs cast an emotional speIl on people, and when they become infatuated with someone else their behavior will change suddenly. In the cases where isn’t an affair and a wife’s behavior changes, you can be sure she has at least reached a point where she has decided to turn her back on the marriage due to frustration and disillusionment with her husband. She may have made requests of him that have been ignored, waved and danced around trying to get his attention on improving the marriage, and has now given up. When this happens, there are numerous signs that will indicate her shift. Here is what to look for:

She starts doing activities away from the marriage that don’t include you. She is seriously unhappy in the relationship but not ready to leave. She tells herself that she can exist in the unhappy marriage so long as she disconnects and does her own thing as much as possible. This could be new friends, a new lifestyle, an affair, going back to school, trips alone, new activities like exercise, bicycling, yoga.
Her attitude is no longer respectful. She used to treat you with kindness and consideration, but now she doesn’t bother. She may make snide or sarcastic remarks, and stop editing herself with you and around others.
She is less cooperative. She used to be helpful and accommodating. Now not so much: “Pick up your own take-out food,” Bucko, “And while you’re at it, I will no longer be responsible for taking your mother to the doctor.”
She speaks brutal truths. You know how nice I’ve been to your family all of these years?” she says. “Well, the truth is I hate them all, and I hate you, too. I hate your shoes, and the way you hold the newspaper and slurp your coffee in the morning.”

When your wife starts acting in these ways, your married days are numbered. Sometimes it is too late to stop the marital deterioration at this point, but many other times a marriage can be saved with a good Marriage and Family Therapist, especially if your spouse is not emotionally involved with someone else. It depends on your individual situation and the history of your relationship. One thing is for sure, however, if your spouse starts distancing, you had better wake up and hear what she has been trying to tell you or your marriage will end. Distancing always signals her loss of hope for the relationship she has with you, and she’s just going through the normal human process of disconnecting.

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