What first appointments are like for the therapist.

First meetings are very interesting for a therapist. A person, couple or family comes in with a problem or concern, and I know nothing. I view each first meeting as an interesting movie, and the characters in the movie have no idea what to do about the problem they’re facing. The story I am about to hear involves a puzzle we need to solve, and I find every story I hear and every character in it fascinating. The work will be challenging. There will be surprises and there may be red herrings, gas lighting, and/or gut wrenching stories of unimaginable abuse. I take the challenge very seriously, and consider myself a sort of therapeutic Sherlock Holmes who is charged to solve the mystery of why their life isn’t working and how to create an environment so it will.

Most clients are at least a little bit nervous in that first meeting. I am going to take a health and family history from them, find out what they’re goals are, and do a session with them – asking lots of questions but also hoping to leave them with something really helpful they can start using right away.

Once the client or clients leave that first meeting, I usually have a pretty good idea of what is going on from a family dynamics standpoint, and I’m already on the scent of the root of the problem. What I usually will know is:

  • How serious the problem is. There are tooth aches and then there are jaw breaks, and the more serious situations often need immediate, serious, attention and care. Physicians and other resources may need to be part of the process. If it’s serious, we get the ball rolling wherever and however, right away.
  • How motivated the person or couple is. In therapy, motivation is everything – you can’t inspire a person to do much of anything if there is no interest or desire. People can be miserable in their lives, but not miserable enough to do the work to change. I bring everything I’ve got to be helpful, but some will choose to stay comfortably uncomfortable. The good news is that after the first session with an unmotivated client, I won’t give up hope that their desire for a healthier life will change.
  • If they’re not leveling with me. Therapists can’t help people who are not honest, and I can often figure out when a client is not. How? If what people report doesn’t make sense, I know one or both are leaving out important information. Part of the challenge is, some people are covering something up, some are worried about what I’ll think of them, while others lie or have a perverted or distorted sense of reality.
  • If the client perceives themselves as blameless. People with victim themes are easy to spot, and they’re in plentiful supply. They’re also some of the most difficult to work with. How can you create a journey of healthy change when a person cannot take responsibility for any part of the dysfunctional situation? We all play a role when relationships aren’t working.
  • If pride and ego are going to be an issue. Humility is required for a great therapy result. If I encounter pride, ego and stubbornness, I think of it as an out-of-control bamboo patch that must be cleared before any meaningful work can be done.
  • Whether addiction may be playing a role. There are many types and I ask about it in every first session My gut usually hones in on addiction quickly, if it’s there. If it is, it must be dealt with before much else can be done.
  • How mentally stable a person is. Most therapists get a good feel for this in a first session using the client’s history and just visiting with them for a little while. Things people tell us, their tone, expressions and body language can be used as guideposts for understanding how they handle life situations. If the spouse is there, it’s even easier to figure out.

One thing that is always true, after the first meeting I know I’ve got my work cut out for me. Every person and case is different, and I do the best I can to help people in a way that is suitable for them.

 

 

Holiday wars damage Marriage Town.

Holidays are difficult for families because of all the things we plan and how they clash with what other people want and plan. Then, show up to family events and throw in the personalities of people who have no filter with the people that do, and you have holiday wars.

For the people who want and plan you will deal with, “I want you to go to Grandma’s on Christmas Eve,” while you say, “Well I want to visit my husband’s family,” and on and on. When you’re single, it’s relatively easy because you there’s usually just one or two families to deal with, but when you marry you’ve got those plus the wishes, desires and obligations of someone else. A lot of damage can be done to the relationship if you don’t know the best way to handle it … so here are some relationship felonies you’ll want to avoid:

1. Changing plans at the last minute. You had agreed to go to your husband’s Aunt Thelma’s house on Sunday for a holiday brunch and moments before it’s time to leave, you make an excuse and bow out, but he knows the truth. Your husband angrily goes alone, but when he gets back you’ll find your plot to manipulate will backfire. Spouses get insanely angry when they see their partner make up excuses to get out of things, and if you do it at the last minute and leave them to handle the mess, and you do things like that repeatedly, your married days could be numbered.
2. Dropping a serious bomb on the family during an event. If you’re one of those who likes to drop bombs into pleasant family events, then watch people run when they see you coming. Telling your sister-in-law you saw her husband kissing Mrs. Santa Claus in the backseat of a car at the Christmas dinner in front of everyone is not the time or the place, and your spouse will probably be so mortified that you be getting a well-deserved dressing down when you get home, as well as the title of loose cannon. Reasonable people don’t want to be associated with loose cannons.
3. Not standing up for your spouse to an offending family member. Did members of your family go for the verbal and/or emotional killing of your spouse while you did nothing? If so, I wouldn’t want to be you when I got home. Showing solid and definitive loyalty toward your spouse in front of others, especially your family, is the only right thing to do. Fail this test and your spouse will not only lose respect for you, they will question your love, and this is not good.
4. Getting visibly inebriated.

Do what you can not to damage your marriage during the holidays.

Do what you can not to damage your marriage during the holidays.

Don’t embarrass your spouse in front of your, or his, family, or anyone, for that matter. When a spouse has to make excuses for your inexcusable behavior I can assure you that your stock will be going down in their eyes, and could eventually crash.

To make it through the holidays with your marriage intact I recommend that a person be generous when it comes to accommodating their partner as far as where your time will be spent, and be on your best behavior when around friends and family. Do show up, and try to enhance each holiday experience for your spouse. Flexibility and a positive attitude will serve you well in the marriage arena, and in the rest of your life as well.

Holiday wars can damage Marriage Town.

Are you doing all you can to not damage your marriage this holiday season?

Holiday wars can damage Marriage Town.

Holidays are difficult for families because of all the things we plan and how they clash with what other people want and plan. Then, throw in the personalities of people who have no filter with the people that do, and you will have holiday wars.

For the family and friends who want and plan you will have to deal with situations such as, “I want you to go to Grandma’s on Christmas Eve,” while you say, “Well I want to visit my husband’s family,” and on and on. When you’re single, it’s relatively easy because there’s usually just one or two families to deal with, but when you marry you’ve got those plus the wishes, desires and obligations of someone else. A lot of damage can be done to the relationship if you don’t know the best way to handle it … so here are some relationship felonies you’ll want to avoid:

1. Changing plans at the last minute. You had agreed to go to your husband’s Aunt Thelma’s house on Sunday for a holiday brunch and moments before it’s time to leave, you make an excuse and bow out, but he knows the truth. Your husband angrily goes alone, but when he gets back you’ll find your plot to manipulate will backfire. Spouses get insanely angry when they see their partner make up excuses to get out of things, and if you do it at the last minute and leave them to handle the mess, and you do things like that repeatedly, your married days could be numbered.

2. Dropping a serious bomb on the family during an event. If you’re one of those who likes to drop bombs into pleasant family events, then watch people run when they see you coming. Telling your sister-in-law you saw her husband kissing Mrs. Santa Claus in the backseat of a car at the Christmas dinner in front of everyone is not the time or the place, and your spouse will probably be so mortified that you be getting a well-deserved dressing down when you get home, as well as the title of loose cannon. Reasonable people don’t want to be associated with loose cannons.

3. Not standing up for your spouse to an offending family member. Did members of your family go for the verbal and/or emotional killing of your spouse while you did nothing? If so, I wouldn’t want to be you when I got home. Showing solid and definitive loyalty toward your spouse in front of others, especially your family, is the only right thing to do. Fail this test and your spouse will not only lose respect for you, they will question your love, and this is not good.

4. Getting visibly inebriated. Don’t embarrass your spouse in front of your, or his, family, or anyone, for that matter. When a spouse has to make excuses for your inexcusable behavior I can assure you that your stock will be going down in their eyes, and could eventually crash.

To make it through the holidays with your marriage intact I recommend that a person be generous when it comes to accommodating their partner as far as where your time will be spent, and be on your best behavior when around friends and family. Do show up, and try to enhance each holiday experience for your spouse. Flexibility and a positive attitude will serve you well in the marriage arena, and in the rest of your life as well.