Almost every person who is a toilet user and has had a man around their home knows that the position he leaves the toilet lid or seat after a visit to the bathroom can quickly become an issue. Based on what my therapy clients say, most people would prefer to walk into the bathroom and find it left in the down position, and quite a few men like to argue that there is no right or wrong and they should be able to leave it in the state they choose.

After five years in graduate school, twenty years in private practice, and more years knowing men than I prefer to say, I have decided to offer professional advice about it, hoping we can settle the issue once and for all. The first thing to understand is that these arguments are not really about the toilet bowl, but you knew that. Right?

Though couples argue and disagree about it, the dynamic of each person’s perspective about toilet seat policy may seem like one of life’s small things but it is very telling. When I married my husband, he firmly believed it was just as right to leave it down as it was to leave it up. I blame that on his being a Libra and wanting everything in life to be fair and square. His adult son, not a Libra, readily adopted his father’s attitude. I noted that both of them seemed to enjoy fighting for male rights because women fought for their rights by golly, and they had chosen their battle for equality by leaving the seat up despite numerous protests from female friends and family members.

Should we mention here the thousands of years men have claimed privilege, entitlement, and domination over women, creating generational wounds that still exist? Maybe. But this blog isn’t about that. It’s about how to have healthy relationships and work through life’s little annoyances with your relationship intact.

If either gender in the heterosexual world could live without the other, we probably would. I do sometimes envision a continent full of women drinking wine, watching chick flicks, and rescuing animals, and men on another continent belching, fishing, and talking about sports. But nothing on this planet makes us feel like the opposite sex when we are in love, so we have to find ways to co-exist peacefully.

There is an important aspect to relationships that the toilet seat left in the up position represents: Am I a spouse who thinks about what I want, or am I a spouse who thinks in terms of we and us and what is best for the family as a whole?

Terry Real, author of Fierce Intimacy, arguably the best book for couples ever written* (available in audiobook only), created a type of therapy for couples called Relational Life Therapy. Like me, he is Pia Mellody trained, meaning he has studied childhood trauma and how to recover from it. Real knows that our past trauma leaves us with emotional disabilities that render us emotionally immature, and that’s why good, smart people end up hitting roadblocks in relationships. Until the roadblocks are cleared, there will be no emotional intimacy, and a person will not be relational. When you are not relational you won’t know how to have a healthy relationship with your spouse that can last happily over the lifespan. Being relational is all about thinking in terms of us, the couple.

Now, back to the toilet seat. If a man is in recovery from childhood trauma and is now able to function as an emotional adult, here is how he might process it:

Wife: God! I fell in the toilet last night at 3 a.m. because, once again, you left the damn toilet seat up! It’s simply good manners to think of how your actions affect another person. How many times do I have to beg you to put the damn toilet seat down! This is a big deal!

Husband: “Oh my. I’m so sorry I did that. You have good reason to be angry. How uncomfortable that unwanted splash of water on your bottom must have been, I wish I could go back and leave it down for you; my brain must have been offline. There won’t be a next time, I assure you.”

The husband had the perfect response here. He apologized, sympathized, and acknowledged his mistake. He thinks relationally, so he knows it’s a good idea to do the little things his wife cares about, like leaving the toilet seat down. He wants to do it because he truly cares about her and wants to do what he can to make her happy. If marriage is not about giving and doing things for one another that make each other happy, what is it?

My husband is a homebody and loves my home-cooked meals. I know they make him happy, so I make a point of cooking something he’ll enjoy several times a week. If I were single, I would not cook nearly as much or as often. I only do it because I care about him, and he loves it so much. That is being relational. You can’t love and care about someone sitting in a chair and thinking about it, you have to do loving actions for them. Remember, the word love is a verb, and that means it is an action. If leaving the toilet seat down makes your spouse feel that what they need and want is important to you, then why wouldn’t you choose to do the loving action and do it?

Leaving the toilet seat up after repeated requests to leave it down symbolizes to your spouse that what you want is more important than what your partner wants. That’s not being relational. I often tell my clients that marriage is for adults, and if they don’t want to do the work a good marriage requires and they want to do what they want the way they want, there is the perfect place for them: a single life. It’s very simple. The best thing you can do for your marriage is to think of ways to show your partner you love and care through loving acts and, more importantly, the things that they have told you they want and need, not what you want to do or are capable of.

There are so many different ways to accommodate your mate. Just listen to what they complain about or say they want or need, or you can ask them. Resentment will pile up if your spouse makes a request repeatedly and it is ignored. When that happens, it will lead to a loss of respect and hope, and what happens next will make you wish you had lowered the toilet seat every single time

I know you must be dying to know if my husband changed his toilet seat in the up position ways. He did. He has listened to Fierce Intimacy four times and has read other Pia Mellody and Terry Real books. He now understands the whys of it and doesn’t process it as a demand or as me trying to control him. He wants a happy relationship, which sometimes means giving up his preferences for my preferences.

His son has not changed, but he lives hundreds of miles away and has recently married. I have no idea if the toilet seat is an issue for them. I do know that when he visits, he still leaves the toilet seat up. I still ask him not to do that, and he grumbles about why my preference is more important than his. I have heard his dad tell him, “Stop arguing and just put the seat down. Why would you want to create a problem?” Indeed. My advice is that if you stubbornly hang on to doing something after being respectfully requested not to, you’ve got some growing up to do. Especially if the requests are reasonable.

At the end of the day, we all need to ask ourselves if we are cut out to put what we want aside in favor of what someone else wants. No married person has to do that all the time, but you must do it enough that your spouse knows you respect and love them and sincerely want them to be happy. Marriage is about giving. To make it over the long haul, the idea of, “How can I make my partner’s life easier, better, and more peaceful?” should be at the forefront of your mind. The beauty of doing these things is that it often influences your partner to be that way for you.

*I am an Amazon affiliate and may receive a small percentage when you purchase this book.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you as a therapist or life coach anywhere in the world. She is also co-host of the YouTube Call Your Mother Relationship Show and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.

Living, growing, and evolving to be the best a person can be is the message I care and write about. Why wouldn’t a person want that? Before I became a therapist, I would have thought that message was a slam dunk, an easy sell. But as I have written before, it isn’t. I personally love learning and growing and seeing how far I can kick the can of life. “It’s a game,” I tell myself. “Let’s see how far I can go.”

Nothing is more rewarding than having a client who climbs on board the emotional well-being train and learns how to process information, have a healthy balance in their life, and find a sense of purpose.

So, imagine you have done the work and are in a solid place mentally and emotionally. You’re feeling confident; you can set healthy boundaries; you’ve learned how to pay attention to your thoughts and feelings and tweak them accordingly, and you have emotional resilience. You can weather life’s challenges and notice an enormous difference. Now, wrap your head around the fact that as good as it feels, there is a downside to it, and that is that many people can’t or won’t deal with it.

The ego is an interesting thing. If humans see another human who has more than what they have, in whatever way that is, it may make them feel better, worse, or at peace about themselves. Humans are comparing animals; if you put two people in the same room, they will compare themselves to the other person. Psychologists have long been aware that humans compare as a way to see where they stand. For example, a tall person wouldn’t think of themselves as tall unless they compared themselves to the height of others. Whether being tall is a good thing is subjective, of course. Still, the problem for you and me is that some people take a look at people and compare themselves to others negatively because of their emotional state and an underlying issue on their end, or they may say, I am better than that person. When looking at you, they could tell themselves, “Well, I see that Joe has accomplished a lot, more than I have, and that shows me the direction I want to go in.” Or, they might say, “I hate Joe for achieving so much more than I have. I’ll bet he thinks he’s better than I am. Just being around him makes me feel bad about myself.” And then there is, “Joe is such a loser, I can’t stand him.” Which do you think is the healthier stance?

Since I have gotten healthier, finished graduate school, and hung my shingle out as a clinical Marriage and Family Therapist, people have treated me differently than before. Most human beings long to be accepted, but the truth of life is that sometimes we won’t be. Some people put me on a pedestal where I don’t belong; others fear the fact that I might see how dysfunctional they are; others now respect me because I had to work so hard to attain what I have, and others like me, regardless of what I’ve accomplished or how I’ve changed. I can’t control how people look at my growth, but their response shows me much about who they are.

You might not fit in with certain groups.

When I first moved to Little Rock to join my boyfriend, now husband, in 2012, we were often invited to watch football games on television or go to dinner with his group of friends, people he had known all his life. It didn’t take long, however, for the husbands to start pulling me aside to talk about how miserable marriage is. I’d immediately tell them it wasn’t appropriate to talk to me about that, and I did all I could to extract myself from the conversation, but it didn’t matter. The wives felt threatened by my presence, and one even screamed at me one night across the dinner table to stay out of her marriage. It was unnerving. No matter what I did or said, I felt they saw me as a spy who could see they were not emotionally healthy, their marriages were awful, and it made them too self-conscious, so they stopped inviting us. I have told my husband many times if I had been as dysfunctional and as unhappy as they were or was a secretary or in some other non-threatening occupation, I probably would have been accepted. Sometimes, getting chewed up and spit out is a good thing.

I spoke of getting healthy as having a downside; however, if you are really healthy, you probably won’t see it that way. It hurts to be rejected and thought of in a certain negative way, and that is the downside. It’d be nice to be loved and accepted by everyone, but that’s not how it works on planet Earth. So, how can you process it with an open mind and positive mindset? Understanding that no one likes it, but it is nature’s way of weeding people out of your life who are unhealthy for you. I must count on the universe’s wisdom and how things play out.

People have sought friendships and alliances with others whom they deemed in a similar category or evolutionary scale to them for eons. I went to a high school that had 1500 students. Among that population were several groups, and we called them the socies (short for socialites, academics, and popular people), potheads, blacks, rednecks, and nerds. Whenever we had an assembly in the gymnasium, each group had subconsciously created their own section in the stands, and went and sat with the group where they felt like they fit. Most lasting social connections are made with people who we perceive are most similar to us, and as you get healthier, don’t be surprised if you outgrow certain friends or lose friends who can’t deal with seeing your rise. It’s the way life is.

Another hard lesson learned. Leaving the family group.

When I focused on getting healthy in my 30s, my family pulled away, and I became an outsider. At first, I had a hard time; I was devastated, heartbroken, and truly astonished. But now I see that it had to be that way. The bottom line is they lived negative energy, criticism, and harsh judgment, and I wouldn’t and couldn’t be around it anymore. Then, when they tried to control me, I wasn’t having it. When one person in a group changes, the group itself will change. I didn’t fit in with them anymore, and I saw it as a healthier dynamic for me not to engage with them and eventually made peace with it. When we no longer fit in the group where we were, it’s time to find another group where we do fit. A healthy human is flexible and goes with the flow of the changing winds in their life. We have to bend and yield. Yes, there are seasons where certain people are a fit for where we are in our lives, and seasons change. People come and go in our lives, even family members. I sincerely hope you can see this as a natural process working to your benefit.

So, I am telling you that if you go from someone with low self-esteem and poor boundaries and learn how to turn that buggy around, your life will change in ways you hadn’t imagined. Only your friends with a strong and healthy sense of self can and will comfortably stick with you. When you start grabbing opportunities and making positive things happen, the people who truly care about you will cheer you on. The others will drift away because the comparisons are too hard to take. These are challenging situations but I’ve gotten used to this reality and mostly let the other team decide if it’s time to head in different directions, as I can deal with them come what may, so long as they’re not abusive. I don’t think it is beneficial for everyone I care about to belong to one certain group. I love the diversity of many perspectives and all there is to learn. The question is, can they accept me if I am not similar to how they are?

Buddha figured out a long time ago that suffering was caused by wishing things to be different than they are. That’s why, to have peace, you must accept life’s realities and craziness. People haven’t changed that much in many centuries, so we can’t hope for that, we have to deal with the way it is now.

The sad truth about having a good relationship with yourself.

A confident person with good emotional health who leans toward seeing the positive things in life will be harshly judged. Why? Because people judge harshly. It’s a cruel world in that way, and anonymous posts on social media have made the situation worse than ever. Confidence is a positive trait that opens doors. I highly recommend it, but negative thinkers may see people like that as arrogant, brash, and full of themselves. What kind of a world are we living in when we work to be the best version of ourselves and be at peace with who we are, flaws and all, and have people criticize us for it? I answer that no matter what you do, positive, negative, or anything in between, someone will harshly judge you. Brush it off. Be who you need to be. I promise you it doesn’t matter unless you choose to make it matter.

In the late 1990s, I wrote an extremely popular column about relationships in the San Antonio Express-News. I realize now I was kind of a Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City fame before anyone knew anything about Carrie Bradshaw; what’s not to like about that? I was on my healthy path but still a pleaser back then, and from the first day my column appeared, I began getting tons of hate mail — more than any other columnist there. Every day, dozens, sometimes hundreds, of people would take the time to write a letter, email, or leave a voicemail telling me and our editors how terrible I was. So, I decided to write a few columns that I believed couldn’t piss off anyone and see what happened. You guessed it. The hate mail continued, but now much of it was directed at what a terrible writer I was. If it wasn’t one thing they hated, it was another.

I changed course and began printing some of the hate mail and making fun of myself and my bad writing in my column, and suddenly, I started getting letters from people who loved me and my columns. Life is so strange. The people who liked me assumed I knew it, but my only evidence was the hate mail and the occasional person who recognized me in the grocery store. It was an experience that taught me that people would hate, no matter what, and the haters are way more proactive in expressing themselves than the admirers. Ultimately, it says way more about them than it does about the person they are hating.

Is life good, or does it just suck?

One of my family members told me last year that “Life is suffering.” In my head, I said, “Bullcrap.” To them, I said, “I know some people feel that way, but not for me. I don’t think we were meant to live miserably.” Don’t get me wrong. I do suffer, but only sometimes. I’m a human, and life is difficult; even though a person may do all they can to make it enjoyable, fun, and have a mostly happy life. When I think about that further, I used to love to wear hats and t-shirts that said, “Life is good,” but after my U.S. Marine son was killed in Afghanistan in 2011, I couldn’t wear them anymore and gave them away. Seeing that brand on a hangar in a store still hurts my heart. Life is good sometimes, and if you work on yourself and get healthy, you’ll learn this, too. I really do think it makes a big difference when you have a positive outlook and believe in yourself, and how you tell the stories about what has happened to you along the way and the significance you put on them. Is your perspective skewed more positively or negatively overall? All of it is a classroom. I skew with a positive mindset, looking for healthy ways to process what happens, and want to learn every lesson I can.

The cost of setting boundaries.

Let me tell you my main point right off the bat: Boundaries are necessary for health and happiness, and people hate it when you set boundaries.

Most of us have the same sort of boundary system we grew up with. Some families are walled off, share very little about themselves, and avoid vulnerability, and then there is my family, who had no boundaries at all. Nothing was off limits, and comments on your intelligence, body, friends, lifestyle, and anything at all were fair game. I thought this was normal. In our daily life, I took the punches they delivered and learned to be stoic, never letting them know how much it hurt and angered me. If you let them know it bothered you, you would be mocked and laughed at. Best just to move along.

Humans protect themselves through a healthy boundary system. I hadn’t learned to protect myself early on, and I also didn’t learn how to restrain myself appropriately. When you enter adulthood with no boundary system, you will soon learn life lessons the hard way, and I did. I was too intense and outrageous and did not know this would scare some people. I really must have been a beast. I made comments to others like my family made comments to me, and I still remember the horror on some people’s faces. I wanted friends and connections, and I didn’t have many. Eventually, with therapy, I learned to pull back my intensity and not spontaneously comment on things about people. I learned relational skills such as being diplomatic and knowing when to shut up, which made a huge difference. I also learned not to reveal things about my own life unless I knew the person was safe. That one was a game-changer.

I got professional help, and once I learned boundaries and tried them out, I experienced people’s nasty responses and reactions. Sometimes I was told I was mean and a bitch. (Narcissists always call boundary offenders mean or something ugly; they know a remark like that will torture someone who wants desperately to be seen as a good person). At least once a month, someone in a store, parking lot, or on the phone will throw venom when I set a boundary with them. “No, I’m not interested in X,” “Please don’t walk up to my car and ask me for money; that scares me.” But boundaries are not for them; they are for you. They are what is required to maintain peace in your life.

When I started setting boundaries with my boundaryless family, we ceased to be friends. They just couldn’t understand why I was calling them out for telling humiliating stories about me at the dinner table or telling my children sensitive things I hadn’t yet told them. There is only one kind of person who can exhibit grace and understanding when you set a boundary: an emotional adult with a solid sense of self. All the others will attempt to turn the tables on you; don’t let them.

Why did I write this?

I’ve experienced the cost of being healthy for a long time, have pondered it all, and I wanted to share it with you. I think that most of us imagine that when we finally get our shit together, life will be wonderful in almost every way, but there will still be struggles. None of the pushback or loss of people I cared about along the way would make me want to return to my old ways. Good mental health is hard to attain; you won’t want to go backward once you get it. It is true that no matter what you do, how good you are, or how hard you try, some people will protest, and you just have to value what is healthy for you over what is healthy for them.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the YouTube Call Your Mother Relationship Show and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.