Home Archives for relationships
Stop Bitching, and Tell People What You Need.
February 14, 2019

The plight of the marriage therapist is to watch couples brawl – they bark, bray, hiss and throw lobs – all at the person they vowed to love, honor and cherish. If you know what you’re doing as a therapist, you won’t let that go on for long.

Therapists know nothing good will come from a back-and-forth heated discussion between two people. Pulses are up, and studies show that if pulse rates are over 100 beats per minute that it is impossible to retain information and interact.(1) Such intensity often leads a person into their most toxic self, where they’re likely to do more damage to the relationship, perhaps by hurling inaccuracies and exaggerations at the other person. This will escalate the madness into behaviors that are known to predict divorce.(2)

What is interesting about blistering arguments is that they can be stopped. Clients don’t know how to, but they need to learn. The process begins by stopping the spat and asking a couple of questions to yourself and to the other person:

1. What’s going on with you right now? (This asks you to focus on the feelings you’re having that are driving your distress.) i.e. “I’m mad that …” “I am scared that …”
2. What do you need?

Instead of, “You’re a workaholic!” or “You’re never home!” try, “I am feeling alone and in of need some quality time with you.”

Instead of, “I do everything with the house and family, and no one helps me!” try, “I am overwhelmed with all I do, and I need your help.”

Instead of “You can be such a bitch/asshole!” try, “It frightens me when your moods/emotions/words/anger are so intense. I need you to be soft and kind. What’s going on with you, what do you need?”

Anytime you feel chilly, grumpy, angry, tired, afraid, disgusted or want to withdraw or isolate, there is a reason why. This is the time for inquiry with yourself: “What’s going on with me? Why do I want to (Fill in blank here … get away, clobber, etc.,) from my spouse right now?”

When you figure out what is driving your mood, then ask yourself what you need. When I do the inquiry with myself, the thing I need is often something I can do for myself. For example, if I am exhausted, I may need to clear some space for rest. The important thing is, once you figure out what it is, create an action plan to take care of it. If it has to do with something that my partner is doing or not doing, I find a good time to talk with him, and then proceed with the questions (see below). This process is called self-care, and it’s the most important thing there is. It is the front door to mental and emotional health.

Mind, body, spirit health and teaching people how to attain it is my life passion, and not everyone is as mindful about it as I am, I get it. In the case of my partner, if I see he has fallen into a mood, I know he probably won’t be doing an inquiry, and it’s not my job to fix or instruct him or anyone without their permission. However, if he has fallen into a mood, that negatively affects us, it is appropriate for me to step in. So, I do the inquiry with him. I find a good time when he is relaxed, and come to him and say, “I have noticed you have been in a mood for a few days, what’s going on with you?” He is always able to tell me, as are almost all of the clients I ask, they’ll say, “I am crabby because … I am unhappy because … I am distant because … I have isolated myself because …” people can generally access the answers. The next question is, “Tell me what you need.”

Examples:

“I am crabby because of so many financial obligations right now, and what I need is for us to not spend any money on things we don’t absolutely need for a couple of months.”

“I am isolating because my husband has to have an answer to whatever it is right now, and he pursues me until I feel backed into a corner.”

Now we have something to work with. Most partners are eager to help with their partner’s needs and wants, I know I am. We love our partners and don’t want them to be in distress, and if we can help alleviate any negative feelings, most people would be all in. Of course, there may be some relational skills you need to learn in order to know how to handle situations peacefully, and that’s what marriage therapists are for.

For example, what do you do about a pursuing spouse?

I would tell the pursuer not to chase after someone who is flooded with negative emotion. You have to give them space to calm down so they can come back and speak to you when they are calm. The flooded person must then work to calm themselves down so they can return. The default time frame is 20 minutes, then return. If you are not able to achieve that, tell your partner, “I am having difficulty calming down. I promise to come back to discuss this within 24 hours.” Then, do it.

These are the sorts of things that no lay person would ever know, but they can learn it in marriage therapy. That is why I highly recommend that you learn basic marriage skills from a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, because they’re armed with many research-based arrows in their quiver that will help couples behave in functional ways as opposed to dysfunctional ones.

What is great about the inquiry technique is that it eliminates ugliness and brings two people together to have an adult conversation that is respectful. It helps them understand each other and make adjustments that will help them maintain their loving relationship in the days and weeks ahead. This process is bond building.

One more thing to watch out for is those who outwardly criticize things or people in the household or workplace that have little or nothing to do with what is really going on with them. Doing the inquiry is perfect for this.

Examples:

“I’m griping about my boss’s demands, but really I am just overwhelmed because I have put too much on my plate across the board.”

“I’m blaming the kids and my spouse for every little thing, when in fact I created this bad mood by procrastinating on doing things I needed to do and now I’m behind.”

It is really important that we stop blaming others for how we feel, and instead turn to ourselves and figure out what we need to do to be content. We are responsible for how our life is going. If the situation involves your partner and they won’t be there with and for you during your inquiry, and they aren’t open to negotiation and won’t be understanding or helpful, then you do indeed have a problem. In this case, see if a marriage therapist can help create a breakthrough. Not everyone has the maturity to do the inquiry, but most do, and that is great news.

1. “The fact that your heart rate is elevated at or above around 100 BPM means that you simply cannot process social interaction.” Gottman Institute.

2. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse of marriage – criticism, defensiveness, contempt & stonewalling. Gottman Institute.https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

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It may be your fault that your life and relationships aren’t working well.
October 15, 2018

Although we all do our best to live in a world of equality and hearing both sides of a story before making a conclusion, as a couple’s therapist I have a very important announcement to make: Sometimes, after hearing all the complaints and experiencing how each person operates with my own eyes and ears, I can say that the cause of marital problems are sometimes, OK often, not equally divided between the two spouses. Indeed, sometimes it is primarily one person who causes the vast majority of issues in the relationship.

So there, I said it. Sometimes it is primarily one person’s fault for a relationship not working. (Note: I did not say always). But I also know that the person who I pinpoint as the dysfunctional one will fight to the death to not be seen as such. This is why we marriage therapists earn what we are paid. We wrestle alligators, we get slammed, and people call us names we wouldn’t want our family to hear.

When couples come in, I do my best to try and figure out what is going on that creates the dysfunction. My thoughts are a blank slate. Usually, the two people are nervous, and especially fearful that I will blame them – husbands seem especially concerned about this one.

So, I proceed into the sensitive waters of their marital story to try and get to the bottom of what’s not working, and many times, I quickly hit a roadblock: One person is so afraid of being seen as the only one to blame that he can’t even bear for me to ask him questions.

“Why are you focusing on me?” Bob says.

“Because I am curious about some things, and I am trying to get clarity and understanding so I can help you,” I say.

“Why aren’t you talking to my wife? It seems like you think I am the main problem, here.”

Bam! “Here we go”, I am thinking as I sense what I need to know is on display before me. I feel like a fisherman with a nibble on his line.

“Because I can’t question or talk to both of you at the same time. I have to talk to one, then the other. What makes you think I believe you are the main one to blame?”

“Because you’re focusing on me.”

Right. That little interaction has told me several things that will be helpful moving along:

1. His reality is off. He makes up negative meanings where I meant nothing negative.
2. He is extremely sensitive to the possibility of being seen as wrong or bad.
3. His self-esteem is very low. He takes things personally.
4. He is defensive as way to protect himself from harm.

This is not to say that I won’t hit dysfunctional gold when I speak with the other spouse, I might, and if I do I will have a messy cocktail on my hands. But so many times it is that one person who is so difficult to have a conversation with that I have to believe my personal experience with them is a microcosm for how they are with others. You can’t have a two-way, back-and-forth conversation with someone whose alarm bells of threat start going off the minute you ask them the first or second question. It prevents relationship, period.

The cliché “You can’t have a healthy relationship with others until you have one with yourself,” is true, and should not really be thrown aside as just a cliché. It is so important, in fact, that it is the point I make to couples very early in the process of marital therapy: You have to get healthy and confident about who you are, so you can have a back-and-forth, give-and-take relationship with someone else. Without that, it is not possible. And the really bad news is, a huge portion of our population do not feel that way about themselves.

So, what to do? I really feel that these sorts of things – how to converse in a healthy way with other human beings, how to have a good relationship with yourself – need to be taught starting in elementary school and continue all the way through high school. We teach so many subjects during these years that will be of no use, so why not prioritize something that could change family functioning and the world for years to come?

It takes courage to face the ugly or dysfunctional things about us as individuals that need to be faced. We need to start a cultural conversation that speaks to the fact that doing this is a sign of strength, not weakness, and that if your life or relationship is not working, it is best to look in the mirror instead of pointing to others as the cause.

I started off in life with what might have been the lowest self-esteem ever recorded, and through education, counseling, and diligent determination to not be unhealthy I turned myself into a confident woman who has a very good, compassionate relationship with herself. I have learned how to be relational with others, and it has changed everything. If I can do this, I truly believe anyone can, but therapy is expensive and so many people will never have access to it. If I couldn’t have afforded it, I would still be that dysfunctional, floundering woman I once was. That is why we need a better plan to provide this information to everyone, for free.

It’s best to look at yourself if your life isn’t working, instead of blaming others.

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Traveling with your partner for the first time.
January 12, 2018

While being your authentic self and showing up as the real you in relationships is the only way to find true contentment, that does not mean we get carte blanche to be unfiltered, self-centered and obnoxious. Why? Because if you want to have a healthy and thriving relationship while also being you, you have to practice a certain amount of relationship etiquette in order to get along and keep people in your life.

In the early stages of a relationship, we tread on fragile ground because the new duo hasn’t developed enough of a history of positive experiences, or legs, to weather a lot of mess ups. Most of us know this intuitively, and present our best selves in the beginning, and that is as it should be. Just make sure when you do this, your best self presents what you really think, feel and believe, presented gently, and considerately.
Ultimately new relationships will be tested, like when we travel together for the first time. I can’t count the times I have heard my single clients in budding relationships say something like, “Well, we’re going on our first trip this week, so we’ll see how that turns out.” Yes, traveling together is likely to present a microcosm of who the person really is – if they aren’t patient or if they’re moody or a slob, you’ll see it.

So, if you’re planning a trip with your new love and don’t want to blow it, here are some helpful tips:

1. Go with a humble attitude. When I think of humility in relationships, I think of a “What can I do for you?” attitude, as opposed to the “What can you do for me?” stance. If you really care about the person you are with, you really should desire to do all you can do to accommodate them and see that their needs are met. P.S. This is a stance that should be maintained throughout the relationship, whether traveling or not.

2. Go with the flow. If you want to wake at the crack of dawn and get going on a packed agenda and your partner wants to sleep in and take it easy, then be OK with you doing your thing, and them doing theirs while weaving in time together when it works. The worst thing you can do is negatively judge or scrutinize your new love because they aren’t like you. Relaxing and sleeping or packed agendas are just preferences and should not be viewed as bad things.

3. Forget about relationship mathematics. If you’re the type that sits around and counts how many accommodations you’ve made for your partner compared to how many they’ve made for you, and concluded that you are on the short end of the stick, forget about seething in resentment. Instead, adopt that servant’s attitude (See #1) and be happy that you could be such generous and loving partner. If you really need your partner to do more for you, simply ask them, gently and respectively, like, “Honey, may I make a request? Can we not go to that restaurant you picked tonight and just grab a sandwich somewhere? I’m kind of burned out on the big meals.” Think: Requests – not complaints or criticism.

4. Be aware of yourself. If you know you are a slob, be mindful of how that will affect another person’s sensibilities. Pay attention to your suitcase, your toiletries … don’t hog the counter, closet or floor space. Make sure you leave plenty of areas clear and clean for your partner. Wipe the counter after you make your mess, don’t leave gross things hanging around. And for those that are anal retentive and feel horror when one little thing is out of place, forget the idea that others will ever meet your standards. If you really need it to be a certain way, have a sense of humor about it, and make it that way so long as it’s OK with your partner, without resentment.

5. Control your mood. Yes, moods can be controlled most of the time. If you tend to have dark or stormy moods, just say it: “I am in a dark or stormy mood-mode. Please forgive me.” Then do everything in your power to return your best self back to the relationship – as soon as you can! In my own life, I give myself an hour. What you must not do is let it drag on for many hours or days.

6. Do not expect your partner to mind read. So many partners tell me their love “should know” what they need, and this is simply ridiculous. We have to train our loves how to love us by telling them what makes our heart sing. Over time, they catch on and become more intuitive, but in the beginning, you really need to spell out in detail what makes you feel loved and cared about, or if you have a want or need.

Couple’s therapists often use the term, “Being Relational.” Being relational means you are a person who knows how to bring your best self to a relationship consistently, who can speak up about their wants and needs respectfully, can receive requests and corrections gracefully, and who maintains an atmosphere of solidness and safety when it comes to commitment and communication, such as; “You can count on me to accept who you really are without fear of contempt or criticism.” This will free you up to be the real you. That’s how solid relationships are built.

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