relationship loss Archives

If divorce is unavoidable, here’s how to do it right.

I hate divorce. It’s extremely painful for everyone and leaves many lifelong ugly footprints in so many lives that I’ll do whatever I can to get people to stay together in a healthy way. Still, there are times when there just any fuel left to work on remaining together, and couples decided to divorce. Usually, both people in this situation are emotionally worn out, fearful and anxiety-filled – change is full of unknowns, it can be earthshakingly scary.

Even though divorcing couples don’t feel their best, most start off saying they don’t want things to be nasty, and certainly most reasonable people want to end their marriage in as peaceful way as possible, and that’s how they begin the process. Then the lawyers get involved and the being reasonable mojo is lost. Here’s an example of what is likely to happen:

A. Jim files for divorce. Sue gets a letter and copy of the filing from Jim’s lawyer. She reads it sees that they will be asking for full custody of their children, he wants all of his business he has built, and she will receive no financial support.
B. Sue freaks out and yells at Jim with Mama Bear ferocity.
C. Sue’s lawyer writes Jim’s lawyer and says Sue wants half of the business, 100 percent of her retirement, and wants alimony of more than half his salary and full custody of the children. The lawyer also says that if Jim is not forthcoming with the requests that all of the texts he has been sending to their child’s school teacher will be released to the school, their family, and their friends.
D. Jim freaks out and calls Sue and calls her names she’s never heard him say before.
E. The divorce nightmare begins.

Because I have experienced this personally and have seen it unfold hundreds of times in my work, it has become obvious that something needs to be done to prevent it. Toward that end, here are some ways a divorcing couple can save themselves from all the unnecessary misery:

1. Promise yourself you won’t take the low road. You can’t control your spouse but you can control yourself. Stay as rational, reasonable and respectful as you possibly can no matter what. If you need anti-depressants to help you through, get them.
2. Hire a counselor to lean on. You’re going to need someone to vent to, lean on, coach and help you process things that will be happening and have it be 100 percent safe.
3. Hire a collaborative lawyer and/or mediator. Most lawyers are trained to be adversarial attack dogs with no concern for how their dirty tactics will affect the family who will be living with the aftermath. They want to win at all cost. Collaborative lawyers and mediators are compromise and settlement-minded. They agree from the start to negotiate and work it out, and to not take any of it to the court house.
4. Control and oversee your lawyer. Have a clear understanding with your lawyer or whoever you’re working with that nastiness and aggression will not be tolerated and that you are to approve every message and document that is sent to your spouse or their representative before is sent.
5. Continue to see and communicate with each other in divorce counseling. Hire a family counselor who can provide a safe place for you to communicate and tie up loose ends concerning your lives, children, property and settlement issues. If you have children you will be working together on some level for life, and you owe it to them to get along and be cooperative.

Divorce brings out the worst in people. It strikes us at a core level of primal fears involving safety and survival. It takes a lot of awareness, mindfulness and self-discipline to get through it without creating self and collateral damage, but I am here to tell you that it absolutely can be done. If you ask me, it’s worth it.

Raw Pain: When a Marriage Ends that You Don’t Want to End

I am fascinated by the words and metaphors poets and writers use to describe human emotion. Since college I have been a huge Bob Dylan fan, mainly because I love to get lost in the images he paints in his ballads, which so often are about sad characters telling tales of raw pain and regret. One of my favorites is found in the song, “You’re a Big Girl Now,” from the 1975 Blood on the Tracks album. To me, no words better describe a person’s feelings of helplessness, despair and yes, I’ll say it again, raw pain, of when a spouse of many years decides to pull the plug on a marriage.

When Bob sings, “I’m going out of mind, oh, oh, with a pain that stops and starts, like a corkscrew to my heart,” I can say that I know what he’s talking about, and many of the men and women who come into my office facing similar situations do, too.

As a therapist, I often sit with these people as they feel that corkscrew through their heart, and wish that somehow I could reach over and surgically remove that pain, although I know I can’t. What I know is that people who are feeling like that are passing through a doorway that will take them to the five stages of grief, and over the next (at least) two years they will randomly pass through denial, bargaining, sadness and depression, anger and acceptance. And acceptance doesn’t mean you don’t feel the pain and hurt anymore, it just means you accept that the person is out of your life and isn’t coming back, so it’s going to be a tough road.

The only good thing I know about going through that process is that this sort of grief is what creates empathy and compassion. There is no way any of us can go through that sort of situation and not come out the other side a deeper, wiser, and more caring individual. I know in my case, after having gone through it, when I hear that anyone I know is getting a divorce, I always call the person frequently and invite him or her to get together – let’s go out, hang out, do something – even if it is just an acquaintance. I offer a safe place where they can talk about what they’re going through, and will never tell them to shut up, change the subject, let it go, or get over it. I do that because no one knows like someone who has been there that a person whose spouse has left the marriage is experiencing loneliness to the 10th degree, and would be the first to let it go and get over it if only he or she could. These people need angels to reach out to them, and who don’t judge them for the sad state in which they find themselves.

Although I believe Bob Dylan is the master of describing the phenomenon we go through when a spouse leaves, I am wondering how those of you who have been through it would describe it. I also wonder how you got through it, and what words of wisdom you would say to those who will be entering through that doorway in the days, weeks, and months to come.

Here are the lyrics to Dylan’s song … what would be your lyrics?

You’re a Big Girl Now
by Bob Dylan

Our conversation was short and sweet.
It nearly swept me off-a my feet.
And I’m back in the rain, oh, oh,
And you are on dry land.
You made it there somehow
You’re a big girl now.

Bird on the horizon, sittin’ on a fence,
He’s singin’ his song for me at his own expense.
And I’m just like that bird, oh, oh,
Singin’ just for you.
I hope that you can hear,
Hear me singin’ through these tears.

Time is a jet plane, it moves too fast
Oh, but what a shame if all we’ve shared can’t last.
I can change, I swear, oh, oh,
See what you can do.
I can make it through,
You can make it too.

Love is so simple, to quote a phrase,
You’ve known it all the time, I’m learnin’ it these days.
Oh, I know where I can find you, oh, oh,
In somebody’s room.
It’s a price I have to pay
You’re a big girl all the way.

A change in the weather is known to be extreme
But what’s the sense of changing horses in midstream?
I’m going out of my mind, oh, oh,
With a pain that stops and starts
Like a corkscrew to my heart
Ever since we’ve been apart.