couples counseling Archives

If divorce is unavoidable, here’s how to do it right.

I hate divorce. It’s extremely painful for everyone and leaves many lifelong ugly footprints in so many lives that I’ll do whatever I can to get people to stay together in a healthy way. Still, there are times when there just any fuel left to work on remaining together, and couples decided to divorce. Usually, both people in this situation are emotionally worn out, fearful and anxiety-filled – change is full of unknowns, it can be earthshakingly scary.

Even though divorcing couples don’t feel their best, most start off saying they don’t want things to be nasty, and certainly most reasonable people want to end their marriage in as peaceful way as possible, and that’s how they begin the process. Then the lawyers get involved and the being reasonable mojo is lost. Here’s an example of what is likely to happen:

A. Jim files for divorce. Sue gets a letter and copy of the filing from Jim’s lawyer. She reads it sees that they will be asking for full custody of their children, he wants all of his business he has built, and she will receive no financial support.
B. Sue freaks out and yells at Jim with Mama Bear ferocity.
C. Sue’s lawyer writes Jim’s lawyer and says Sue wants half of the business, 100 percent of her retirement, and wants alimony of more than half his salary and full custody of the children. The lawyer also says that if Jim is not forthcoming with the requests that all of the texts he has been sending to their child’s school teacher will be released to the school, their family, and their friends.
D. Jim freaks out and calls Sue and calls her names she’s never heard him say before.
E. The divorce nightmare begins.

Because I have experienced this personally and have seen it unfold hundreds of times in my work, it has become obvious that something needs to be done to prevent it. Toward that end, here are some ways a divorcing couple can save themselves from all the unnecessary misery:

1. Promise yourself you won’t take the low road. You can’t control your spouse but you can control yourself. Stay as rational, reasonable and respectful as you possibly can no matter what. If you need anti-depressants to help you through, get them.
2. Hire a counselor to lean on. You’re going to need someone to vent to, lean on, coach and help you process things that will be happening and have it be 100 percent safe.
3. Hire a collaborative lawyer and/or mediator. Most lawyers are trained to be adversarial attack dogs with no concern for how their dirty tactics will affect the family who will be living with the aftermath. They want to win at all cost. Collaborative lawyers and mediators are compromise and settlement-minded. They agree from the start to negotiate and work it out, and to not take any of it to the court house.
4. Control and oversee your lawyer. Have a clear understanding with your lawyer or whoever you’re working with that nastiness and aggression will not be tolerated and that you are to approve every message and document that is sent to your spouse or their representative before is sent.
5. Continue to see and communicate with each other in divorce counseling. Hire a family counselor who can provide a safe place for you to communicate and tie up loose ends concerning your lives, children, property and settlement issues. If you have children you will be working together on some level for life, and you owe it to them to get along and be cooperative.

Divorce brings out the worst in people. It strikes us at a core level of primal fears involving safety and survival. It takes a lot of awareness, mindfulness and self-discipline to get through it without creating self and collateral damage, but I am here to tell you that it absolutely can be done. If you ask me, it’s worth it.

Would you advise a couple about to marry, NOT to marry?

Oh the complicated job we therapists have!! Today I’d like to take a break from all of the complicated challenges I have with my job, so I’ll put you in my chair … watch out, it may turn your hair curly … here’s your case for the day …

A couple comes in for premarital counseling and the initial meeting is 90 minutes long. You listen to their story, address their concerns, and pretty soon into it you’ve found enough red flags and land mines to know that there is no way the couple should be planning on sealing a lifelong deal, at least anytime soon. Yet, you inwardly turn green when told that the nuptials are imminent … so, what would you do?

A.    Ignore the troubles. Offer them your blessing and predict a bright future of love and happiness.
B.    Tell them you are worried about them making such a permanent commitment in the light of so many issues and ask about the possibility of marriage postponement, including counseling to work through things.
C.    Tell them their relationship is a train wreck and unless something drastic changes their marriage is certain to be miserable and will most likely end in divorce. P.S. Please don’t have kids.
D.    Run screaming out of the room.

So, what did you decide??

Obviously a therapist wants to be somewhat subtle in passing along the idea that the relationship needs reworking and tuning before signing up for such an important commitment as marriage. But when a ceremony is weeks as opposed to months away, I will be more direct, as in, “In my opinion, your relationship is already showing signs of imbalance and you are likely to have serious marital problems if you marry now, so I would advise you to work out your major issues prior to making a marriage commitment.”

Then the conversation typically goes like this …

“What? Are you talking about postponing the wedding?” Her eyes are wide, her mouth is open.

“It’s probably something you ought to consider.” I reach for my tea.

“Oh my God! My parents have already made their plane reservations. We’ve spent thousands on deposits …”

“I know but …”

“Do you know what you’re saying?” She looks at me from the side, her eyes narrow.

“Yes.”

“He may not want to marry me in six months if we postpone it now …”

“Isn’t it good to not get married if that is the case?”

“What will be people say? It will be so embarrassing!!”

“I was suggesting postponing the wedding, not canceling it.”

“Why can’t we just marry and do the counseling and repairing later?”

“You can. It’s just that will you do it? Will you see it through? Will you have the motivation? And what if the counseling causes you to recognize your incompatibilities, but now you’re married?”

“That won’t happen. We love each other. We are meant for each other. We will make it work.”

“OK, that’s fine, but I work with a lot of couples who have been in a similar place to where you are now, and who ultimately couldn’t work it out and divorced. Divorce is exceedingly painful, but in the end, it’s your decision.”

“Wow. We didn’t expect to hear this today.”

“Would you want me to not tell you what I see? I thought that’s why you came here today.”

“It is, but … “

After a conversation like this, couples typically take it hard, and never come back. I totally understand this, but at least I can sleep at night knowing that I didn’t mislead them about the possibility of their relationship being a happily-ever-after one. My hope, of course, is that they get help and work through their issues, past and present, and it doesn’t bother me one bit that the work won’t be done with me. I imagine that if they don’t, months or years later, when the relationship falls apart, one or the other will say, “You know, years ago that therapist Doctor-whoever-it-was tried to tell us we needed to work through our issues, but we wouldn’t listen.”

So, armchair therapists, what do YOU think??