On this page:
Encouragement
4 Rules for Romantic Self-Protection
Guys – Don’t Touch Her Before She Touches You
Think Long and Hard Before You Decide to Marry
Got questions? You can email Becky here: becky@doctorbecky.com.
Advice, Information, and Encouragement for Singles
It’s great to be in a relationship when you can be yourself, and the one you love cherishes you just the way you are. Until you find that – STAY SINGLE!!
by Becky Whetstone
No matter who you are or what your circumstances, being single is difficult, and a person needs to be armed with all of the information and and inspiration possible to keep from … well … just to keep sane amidst the insanity.
So, to get started at doctorbecky.com, we’ll talk about the ground rules for singles that we hope will start here and spread throughout Texas, the United States, and then the Universe.
Singles should not accept behavior from fellow singles that is not decent, kind, honest and integrity-filled. From this moment on, I urge all single individuals not to tolerate flakes, jerks, losers, dumpers, liars, cheaters, or any type of negative behavior such as arrogance, selfishness, insecurity … you get the idea.
So with that in mind, let’s get started … with rules based on something I wrote a long time ago when I had the privilege of writing a column for the San Antonio newspaper that often explored the subject of relationships … the information is as good as gold, and I call them “Becky’s Four Rules for Romantic Self Protection.”
Becky’s Rules for Romantic Self-Protection
written & conceived by Becky Whetstone
These rules were written back in the mid 1990’s when I was a single mom (I’m still a single mom, but that’s another story), and they still hold true today. I had re-entered the dating world and could not believe how badly singles treated one another and how much hurt and pain was being experienced due to the many self-centered, insincere, immature singles who dated and dumped with abandon. To help avoid this, I wrote the following four rules. They are not a guarantee that you will never be hurt, but they significantly improve your chances.
Here they are separately, then find explanations below:
1. Do not date a man or woman who has not been out of a serious relationship for at least a year.
2. Do not have sex with a person unless commitment has been MUTUALLY expressed.
3. Avoid feelings described as “head over heels.”
4. Do not even think of getting married until you have spent at least one year and four seasons with your new love.
NOW, let me explain …
1. Do not date a man or woman who has not been out of a serious relationship for at least a year. This rule helps you avoid becoming a rebound victim and also ensures that you are not dumped after being used as bait to win the person’s former love back. (Yes, people do that.) Typically, the person coming out of a long term relationship or marriage (I’m talking one that lasted for years) is almost always temporarily insane for up to two years after it ends. This means they will say and do things that they can’t be held responsible for: “Forgive them for they know not what they do!” Because of this it’s just best to stay out of that sort of cyclone. Still, if you meet someone terrific who is just emerging from such a relationship, it’s fine to become his or her friend and companion while not becoming romantic. Romance should always be a rational decision, and with these folks, it almost never is.
2. Do not have sex with a person unless commitment has been MUTUALLY expressed. If you have sex with a person and you don’t know him well enough to know for certain that he will call you the next day, you are having sex too soon. Women especially get attached to a man after having sex, and if she has it too soon she is at risk of being hurt when she finds out the relationship meant nothing more than a roll in the hay. Also, women need to know that a man’s respect for her typically freeze frames at the point where it was when they first had sex. If he didn’t have to work to get to know you and earn your trust before you agreed to such an intimate act as sex, you will have him stuck at a very low respect level – in a word, wait.
3. Avoid feelings described as “head over heels.” When you let your feelings and emotions get out of control, your body pumps adrenaline equivalent to a shot of heroin or other drug that brings about temporary euporia. During this state, we cannot make wise and rational decisions – need I say more?
4. Do not even think of getting married until you have spent at least one year or four seasons with your new love. It is impossible to say if we love someone until our desire to be with him or her stands the test of time. We need to see the person in as many situations as possible … Christmas, cold weather, hot weather … You need to see how he acts when he is sick, when things aren’t going right, how he handles money, how he treats his mother, what his traditions and rituals are, if he is honest and integrity-filled, etc. Anyone can “act” nice for a short period of time … that’s why we need to see how they are over a long period of time.
Listen up guys: Don’t Touch Her Until She Touches You!
Women Don’t Appreciate Romantic Touches Until They’re Ready.
by Becky Whetstone
Somebody’s got to tell guys what women are thinking, and since no one is stepping up, I guess it’ll have to be me.
For some reason, a whole lot of men have gotten the idea that when a woman accepts the offer of a date that it is also a lowering of boundaries that allows them free reign to touch, fondle, grab, kiss, hold hands, feel her back, touch a leg, and a bunch of other stuff that women don’t like.
In the age of Internet dating, an enormous amount of singles are meeting and having dates with individuals they have never met in person. Just like the blind date, it’s an awkward and weird experience that people do because every now and then it pays off and a wonderful person enters your world.
Hopeful men and women meet, and the object SHOULD be: Getting to know one another to see IF there is interest to proceed in getting to know one another even better. Talking, visiting, and maybe some laughing – that’s the goal. What men may not realize is, it usually takes many get togethers before a woman becomes comfortable with a man she doesn’t know. Not the first meeting, and not the second one. Maybe three or four, or even five or six. Men should not take this personally. It simply is unnatural for a woman when a man she does not yet feel comfortable with makes romantic advances. Women hate it, and if stays relatively innocent many times they’ll tolerate it and say nothing, but inside they’re steaming red hot mad. Getting women to speak up when they’re uncomfortable is another article that needs to be written, but solving the problem can begin with men understanding that it is the woman who needs to give the cue that touching her is welcomed. And if a man gives her time to grow fond of him, she will make it more than clear that her boundary has lifted and she wants him to touch her. She’ll do that by touching him – and we’re not talking about accidental stumbles or slapping him on the back when he has a piece of meat stuck in his throat. We’re talking soft, intentional, touching. When it happens, it’ll send electrical charges up both spines.
So guys, take Becky’s advice, get to know a woman, give her time to feel comfortable, and never ever touch her until she touches you.
Deciding whether or not to marry? Well, marriage lasts a
long, long, long, long, long time, so think before you leap!
by Becky Whetstone
You can maximize your joy in marriage by planning for it.
If you ask me, the number one cause of unsuccessful marriages is that either the husband, wife, or both, settled for less than what they wanted in a spouse.
That’s right, I recently interviewed 11 participants for my dissertation extensively about what attracted them to their spouse, how they decided to marry, and then decided to divorce, and the news was enlightening. All participants had been in marriages of 10 years or longer, and not ONE participant mentioned that he or she married for love. The reasons they told me they married were: “He was attractive,” “I felt pressured by (MY family or society) to marry,” “All of my friends were getting married,” “She said she would move out of town if we didn’t marry,” and “I married to have regular sex.” Those reasons for marrying, folks, do not create a solid foundation for the difficulties that a couple will ultimately face. A majority of the participants told me they were already feeling discomfort in the relationship when they said their marriage vows.
Other divorced individuals who were not in my study have told me that they married their spouse even though they knew they were probably incompatible because they were tired of being single and alone, hated dating, and were ready to settle down with the first likely person to come along.
Isn’t that sad? Because the truth is, if you were content with yourself and your life, you wouldn’t feel the urgency to hook up into a relationship that you already have doubts about.
Most people I have observed date one or two people between relationships and then settle into a commitment. This is not realistic! My theory is that we probably have to date a lot more people than we think to finally come across a person who is extremely compatible.
So the problem is, people don’t want to wait … they want love and companionship NOW … they want instant gratification, so they settle for a person who is merely … “okay” or “pretty close” or somewhere in the right vicinity when it comes to education and looks.
Yes, dating is not that fun, but neither is a marriage with an incompatible person. We all must be PATIENT about meeting soneone who is a great match. And trust me, if you don’t take this advice, YOU WILL PAY THE PRICE.
It is my belief that the divorce rate would plummet if we spent more time and thought looking for a person who is highly compatible, rather than jump into marriage with the wrong person for all of the wrong reasons.
To choose the “right” person, we MUST put a lot of thought into what the person will be like BEFORE we meet. We need to know his values and beliefs, whether she smokes, is spiritual, how he or she feels about animals and children, if she’s modest or conservative, if she is outspoken or quiet, what her education and ambition levels are, what she likes to do in her spare time, and whatever else you think is important and much more.
I recommend making a list of things the person absolutely must have, and a list of things the person absolutely must NOT have. Keep the list on hand, and when you meet someone, take out the list and remind yourself of these things BEFORE allowing chemistry to take over. Remember, once chemistry kicks in your body has a similar reaction to being on the drug HEROIN, and you will be encapable of making rational decisions.
When you make your lists, you will be able to know your future love before you meet her. Then as you meet women or men who do not meet those expectations, you will know not to settle because you are lonely or bored.
Couples pay a high price for not waiting to meet the right person. Ask yourself if you are willing to wait for a relationship that will be as satisfying and fulfilling as possible and reap the incredible rewards of real love and respect when it arrives.
I often tell people that if we knew we could only buy one car and it would have to last us a lifetime, we would spend a heck of a lot more time researching the model, make, the cost of maintenance, and how well it will stand the test of time. If that is so, why don’t we do this when choosing a life’s partner? So slow down and get to know people … fill your life with great friends and activities. ENJOY being single while you are single.
Becky Whetstone is an Arkansas native and has a Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Therapy from St. Mary’s University in San Antonio, Texas. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in Texas and Arkansas. 
