Emergency Advice for Cheaters Who Just Got Caught

As a Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship crisis manager, I’ve dealt with hundreds of couples in the throes of infidelity, maybe more. What I’ve learned is that without knowledgeable and experienced guidance, most duos manage to make a more painful and bigger mess of their lives than was necessary. Of course, this lessens the likelihood of the usual desired outcome ­ — complete recovery and a stronger and better marriage than existed before. Instead, they bumble their way to relationship breakdown, and too often, divorce.

Counseling with friends and family almost never helps. It’s a matter of the biased and clueless coaching the biased and clueless, and it ruins relationships moving forward — how can I break bread and ha-ha again with a mother-in-law who has been telling her daughter, and my wife, that she should cut her losses and dump me? If I had my way, families and friends wouldn’t be told about the matter until long after the situation has been managed and settled down, or never.

The first thing to understand is that when a human is in a life crisis, they are activated in the same way as any mammal who is sensing a threat to its life. Sure, you and your spouse aren’t being faced down by rabid dogs, but your brain thinks you are. It ascertains that the threat is serious, and sends you both into fight, flight or freeze. Most injured spouses go into fight mode, and it lasts much longer than average, so get ready. The cheaters can do all three, or only one or two, it just depends. What you need to know about this is that when couples are activated, they can’t make intelligent decisions, so no major decisions should be made at this time. What you need is to manage the crisis and not do more damage, and that’s where I come in.

Note for serial cheaters: Some men and women live by a creed that says there is no harm in cheating, only in the carelessness of getting caught, and perhaps they feel entitled to do whatever they want whenever they want. If this is you, chances are you have a personality that is not conducive to marriage and committed relationships. I strongly urge people like this to either devote themselves to going into recovery much like an alcoholic would through the 12-step treatment program Sex and Love Sex Addicts Anonymous, or return to being single and stop making people miserable. Only learning to feel badly about hurting others and immersive, intense, life-changing and decisive action will end this type of behavior. Trying to behave won’t cut it.

For all of the others who have strayed, the following information is for you:

1. Don’t do this alone — get marriage crisis help. The first thing you must do when you reveal your affair, or your spouse has discovered it: Seek professional help for your marriage with a Marriage and Family Therapist. Think: If you were vomiting blood would you manage it yourself? This is the relational equivalent. Don’t mess around, find someone who knows what they’re doing with marriage crisis, and take their wise advice. Can you afford it? Instead ask, can you afford divorce?

2. Get help for you. In addition to individual and couple’s therapy, you need to look far and wide for ways to become a better person moving forward. Yes, get therapy, but also look for support groups, seminars and workshops dedicated to being emotionally healthy and living a life of integrity. Some I recommend are the Omega Institute, The Work by Byron Katie, Onsite, Tony Robbins’s Date with Destiny, Landmark Forum.

3. Get rid of the other person. I have no tolerance of people who cheat with married men and women, and if you came to see me to talk about your situation I would point out all of the negative character traits that these types of people have — like being predatory, lying, lack of integrity. They make terrible future life partners because they’re shameless and have no problem taking what they want when they want. People that marry affair partners will find that neither partner will ever trust the other — want to know why? Because you already know that when the relationship’s stock drops, and it will, the other person will cheat. Cheaters often say to this, “Well you could say that about me.” Yes, but you are going to do all you can to be a better person and end outcomes like this, right?

4. Understand post-affair dynamics. Your spouse will be obsessing about your affair for months to come, maybe longer. This is what they do when activated. This is normal for a relationship crisis. He or she will ask thousands of questions and want every last detail, and you will not like it, but you must engage with them to an extent, for the foreseeable future. Here’s how to do it right: Answer basics like, where you met, how many times you met, where you rendezvoused, whether there was an emotional connection, why you did it, etc., but absolutely do not answer questions about sexual details such as what you did and how, did you like it. Do not engage in comparisons like, “Who is physically superior?” “Who is better in bed?” Comparisons and details like that create indelible images in your spouse’s head they will never forget and may never let you forget.

5. Express clearly and sincerely that what you have done is a big damn deal. You need to be mortified with yourself, show remorse and express this clearly to your spouse. To heal, your spouse will need to see that you “get” that this breach of trust is gigantic and has caused them great pain. You must be humble, accept responsibility, and do not blame your spouse for what you have done. Sure, their actions may have played a role in your straying, but there is no excuse for cheating, so don’t even go there. You will have to give them a nutshell answer for now about why you did it, and eventually you must be able to offer more insight into what led you to make such a wrong decision, but not when your spouse is activated. Minimizing the enormousness of what you have done, or saying things like, “I apologized so let’s move on,” will leave your spouse chronically thirsty and stall forward progress. You did the crime, now take ownership of it like any person of integrity would do. If you find that you are on your attitude high horse and can’t get over finger pointing, deflecting, and lying, then you might look into whether you may be a narcissist.

6. If your friends and/or family know and aren’t encouraging you to work things out or aren’t staying neutral, they aren’t friends of the marriage and should be disregarded. If your spouse is less than great or hopelessly dysfunctional you don’t need other people to reiterate this point, do you? Avoid negative influences, especially if the marriage has legs and can likely be worked out. You must work this out on your own with professional help. Only you and your partner know the complete story and if it’s worth working through.

7. Pondering what it would be like to be single. When marriage gets tough lots of people think about what it would be like to be single. I spent many years single in my adult life, and I work with single people daily. My report is, it’s tough out there, and there are not a lot of functional people to find romance with. Your spouse has faults, but so will any new partner. Know that once people have had children with others it complicates relationships enormously and increases the chance of a second divorce by 25 percent. Being on your own has its benefits, but humans are wired to be in relationship with another. That is where we thrive. If you can fix what you have, and most especially if you have children together, do all you can to work it out.

8. If I leave might I regret it? A landmark study of people who divorced their partners, 10 years later looking back at how everything has played out, found that 90 percent wished they had worked harder to save the marriage they were in.

One more thing: What do you do if your dysfunctional spouse won’t seek help to attain change and growth? We all have three choices at any given time:

1. Accept the status quo.

2. Change ourself, and request that our partners change, or

3. Eliminate the relationship.

Personally, I’d never consider №1 if it meant continued unhappiness. Either your relationship will grow and evolve from this crisis or it will get worse than it ever was. Then you’ll know exactly what to do.

Visit Doctor Becky’s website at www.doctorbecky.com. Email becky@doctorbecky.com.

https://doctorbecky.com/2019/09/07/emergency-advice-for-cheaters-who-just-got-caught-a15d6a4183b2/

Stop Bitching and Tell People What You Need.

The plight of the marriage therapist is to watch couples brawl — they bark, bray, hiss and throw lobs — all at the person they vowed to love, honor and cherish. If you know what you’re doing as a therapist, you won’t let that go on for long.

Therapists know nothing good will come from a back-and-forth heated discussion between two people. Pulses are up, and studies show that if pulse rates are over 100 beats per minute that it is impossible to retain information and interact.(1) Such intensity often leads a person into their most toxic self, where they’re likely to do more damage to the relationship, perhaps by hurling inaccuracies and exaggerations at the other person. This will escalate the madness into behaviors that are known to predict divorce.(2)

What is interesting about blistering arguments is that they can be stopped. Clients don’t know how to, but they need to learn. The process begins by stopping the spat and asking a couple of questions to yourself and to the other person:

1. What’s going on with you right now? (This asks you to focus on the feelings you’re having that are driving your distress.) i.e. “I’m mad that …” “I am scared that …”
2. What do you need?

Instead of, “You’re a workaholic!” or “You’re never home!” try, “I am feeling alone and in of need some quality time with you.”

Instead of, “I do everything with the house and family, and no one helps me!” try, “I am overwhelmed with all I do, and I need your help.”

Instead of “You can be such a bitch/asshole!” try, “It frightens me when your moods/emotions/words/anger are so intense. I need you to be soft and kind. What’s going on with you, what do you need?”

Anytime you feel chilly, grumpy, angry, tired, afraid, disgusted or want to withdraw or isolate, there is a reason why. This is the time for inquiry with yourself: “What’s going on with me? Why do I want to (Fill in blank here … get away, clobber, etc.,) from my spouse right now?”

When you figure out what is driving your mood, then ask yourself what you need. When I do the inquiry with myself, the thing I need is often something I can do for myself. For example, if I am exhausted, I may need to clear some space for rest. The important thing is, once you figure out what it is, create an action plan to take care of it. If it has to do with something that my partner is doing or not doing, I find a good time to talk with him, and then proceed with the questions (see below). This process is called self-care, and it’s the most important thing there is. It is the front door to mental and emotional health.

Mind, body, spirit health and teaching people how to attain it is my life passion, and not everyone is as mindful about it as I am, I get it. In the case of my partner, if I see he has fallen into a mood, I know he probably won’t be doing an inquiry, and it’s not my job to fix or instruct him or anyone without their permission. However, if he has fallen into a mood, that negatively affects <em>us</em>, it is appropriate for me to step in. So, I do the inquiry with him. I find a good time when he is relaxed, and come to him and say, “I have noticed you have been in a mood for a few days, what’s going on with you?” He is always able to tell me, as are almost all of the clients I ask, they’ll say, “I am crabby because … I am unhappy because … I am distant because … I have isolated myself because …” people can generally access the answers. The next question is, “Tell me what you need.”

Examples:

“I am crabby because of so many financial obligations right now, and what I need is for us to not spend any money on things we don’t absolutely need for a couple of months.”

“I am isolating because my husband has to have an answer to whatever it is right now, and he pursues me until I feel backed into a corner.”

Now we have something to work with. Most partners are eager to help with their partner’s needs and wants, I know I am. We love our partners and don’t want them to be in distress, and if we can help alleviate any negative feelings, most people would be all in. Of course, there may be some relational skills you need to learn in order to know how to handle situations peacefully, and that’s what marriage therapists are for.

For example, what do you do about a pursuing spouse?

I would tell the pursuer not to chase after someone who is flooded with negative emotion. You have to give them space to calm down so they can come back and speak to you when they are calm. The flooded person must then work to calm themselves down so they can return. The default time frame is 20 minutes, then return. If you are not able to achieve that, tell your partner, “I am having difficulty calming down. I promise to come back to discuss this within 24 hours.” Then, do it.

These are the sorts of things that no lay person would ever know, but they can learn it in marriage therapy. That is why I highly recommend that you learn basic marriage skills from a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, because they’re armed with many research-based arrows in their quiver that will help couples behave in functional ways as opposed to dysfunctional ones.

What is great about the inquiry technique is that it eliminates ugliness and brings two people together to have an adult conversation that is respectful. It helps them understand each other and make adjustments that will help them maintain their loving relationship in the days and weeks ahead. This process is bond building.

One more thing to watch out for is those who outwardly criticize things or people in the household or workplace that have little or nothing to do with what is really going on with them. Doing the inquiry is perfect for this.

Examples:

“I’m griping about my boss’s demands, but really I am just overwhelmed because I have put too much on my plate across the board.”

“I’m blaming the kids and my spouse for every little thing, when in fact I created this bad mood by procrastinating on doing things I needed to do and now I’m behind.”

It is really important that we stop blaming others for how we feel, and instead turn to ourselves and figure out what we need to do to be content. We are responsible for how our life is going. If the situation involves your partner and they won’t be there with and for you during your inquiry, and they aren’t open to negotiation and won’t be understanding or helpful, then you do indeed have a problem. In this case, see if a marriage therapist can help create a breakthrough. Not everyone has the maturity to do the inquiry, but most do, and that is great news.

(1) “The fact that your heart rate is elevated at or above around 100 BPM means that you simply cannot process social interaction.” Gottman Institute.

(2) The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse of marriage — criticism, defensiveness, contempt & stonewalling. Gottman Institute.

https://doctorbecky.com/2019/02/14/stop-bitching-and-tell-people-what-you-need-f600a8d3ebab/