One of my dreams as a Marriage and Family Therapist is to work with an architect to design a home conducive to healthy and happy family living. This concept is so fantastic that it will be incorporated as the new template for modern home building.  As a result couples looking for a new home will demand the Happy Family Home Plan, and middle class America will change (for the better!) as we know it.

Sounds great, but the problem is that when I describe the actual characteristics that the house will have many people tend to resist. I know some folks have strong ideas about the way things ought to be, and it’s too bad so many are so quick to bat the idea down because I know what I’m talking about is a damn good idea.

So, without further ado, here are the qualities I feel the perfect family home must have …

1.    His and her master suites. The idea is to maintain some sense of privacy and mystery. That’s right, each partner gets his or her own bedroom, closet, and bathroom. Marriage is based on the assumption that two people create a legal “business” or contract together, and are also supposed to be affectionate, loving and, hopefully, have sex. To me, it’s not healthy for couples who are supposed to find some sort of romantic and intimate connection over the long haul to be around each other all the time. Yes, Ralph and Marie, watching your partner go to the bathroom, attempt to squeeze into pants or pick at their face is not conducive to the sort of lifetime romance I’m talking about. Each person having space and the option to connect is a healthy thing.

Which means that next I am calling for …

2.    A neutral and kid-free zone for adult hanging out together. Call it a den, date room, or whatever you want, but this is the central hangout for the couple. It can have a huge couch or even a bed to lay around, read, watch TV, or snuggle, but whatever you use it for, it teaches children and adults about the importance of maintaining boundaries and separate spaces. Note to those who desperately cling to your kids: Sorry, the little ones need to know and respect that parents have lives and needs, too.

So just for the kids … their own lair …

3.    A kid’s wing. In another part of the house there will be a magical place where kids will work and play. Ideally, the central room of the kid’s wing is a den especially for them with TV, computer, and a table big enough for board games and spreading out homework papers or science projects.  Doors on the walls of this central room will lead straight into their bedrooms. Kids can either have a club or individual bath. With this plan kids can congregate or hibernate …

4.    Toy/stuff closet. One room off the kid’s central room will be a closet where kid paraphernalia such as sports equipment, games, and arts and crafts projects can be organized and stored.

5.    Kitchen/family room combo for family gathering and congregation. A nice-sized room that combines the kitchen and family room for  family meals and general togetherness. I recommend at least 30 minutes of quality family time be spent here a day. That means being totally present and attentive with no TV, computer or cell phone interruptions.

6.    Media Room with comfortable seating for all. Movies, concerts, TV, music … a family media gathering place.

7.    Utility room.  The place for dirty shoes, hanging coats, etc. Each person in the family will have his or her own large cubby space by the door to keep backpacks, books, purses, and briefcases ready to grab on the way out to work or school.

8.    Library. Healthy families read, so we need a place to store books and reference materials as well as DVD’s and CD’s.

9.    His and her office.  In the old days dad got his own office and workspace in which to do his work – now mom and dad get it. This means work is done here and not anywhere else when at home.

OK, so beat me up for creating so many places for people to get away, but you must admit I also offer lots of space for togetherness as well. The important point is that each person in a healthy family needs his or her own space, and couples need individual and together space.  A mature couple (and you have to be mature if you want a healthy family life) will be able to negotiate when to be or not to be without taking it personally.

I am very aware that the Happy Family Home Plan will cost quite a few bucks to build, so if you can’t afford it may I suggest another option – buying two homes side-by-side and living next door to one another. Oops – that’s the suggestion that gets me in the most trouble.

What do you think?

How is the recession affecting the mental health of Americans? What I am seeing is that either people have plenty of money and haven’t been hurt that much, or they have virtually no money and they’re hurt a lot. The ones hurting a lot can’t sleep, they are depressed, anxious … and amazingly the ones with no money are usually making a good living … $50,000 a year and often much more, but they report that money doesn’t go far these days and, yes, they’ll admit that they’ve bought more house, car and clothes than they can afford, among other things. (Parade magazine today defines America’s middle class as those making between $40,000 and $200,000).

I’m not a social worker, and my practice is geared toward high-functioning people who typically make a good living … but it is interesting to me that so many with good incomes are barely making it, which causes me to conclude that in America the middle class has almost ceased to exist — probably due to a lack of self control combined with the assistance of greedy credit card companies. Wouldn’t it be great to see the middle class return and experience some of the things our parents did – savings accounts, trips, a new car every few years? So what’s keeping people who should be in the middle class so darn broke? And can’t we come up with another term besides middle class since it just doesn’t feel the same as it used to?

Sandra is a 46-year-old banker with a six-figure income. She is about to be laid off and is terrified of losing it all … she blames herself and others …

“I am drowning in credit card debt and I make a good living,” she says "I did all the stuff like buy a big house and car, then I wanted clothes and TV’s and whatnot, and before I knew it I had $50,000 in credit card debt.  One slow payment and the rate got hiked WAY up, and I just don’t think it’s fair.”

I agree. Back in the late 1990’s I got to spend some time on Capitol Hill with lawmakers, and at many of the after work cocktail parties there were lobbyists from Master Card, Discover and Visa standing around like snake oil salesmen at a circus, and what they were selling was getting congressmen to sympathize with their need to gouge the public. If you ask me, these companies are some of the greediest in America – Discover charging up to 31% interest for consumers who exceed their limit twice in a year or miss a payment, and other cards charging up to 32%. This is why Americans are sinking downward and unable to get ahead.

“I want to pay for what I have bought,” says Sandra. “But with a credit card interest rate of 32% all I can do is service the debt, and not pay it down. It is so depressing, and then sometimes I absolutely must charge to get groceries or pay a medical bill, so it keeps adding up.”

What can Americans do? In the age of bailouts for corporations, I think Americans themselves should receive a consumer debt bailout that allows them to pay off their debts at a reasonable rate, and not at the insatiably greedy rates of 20% and above. I work from the idea that we want to pay what we owe, but for heaven’s sake let’s not allow loan shark-like credit card companies to hold us hostage – the current situation  is a recipe for depression and anxiety if ever there was one. Perhaps we need a rebellion — let’s raise hell until Congress gets it done.

I’m not an economist, but I have a friend who is. When I told him of my idea to have Congress put a seal on how high credit card companies could raise interest rates, to say 10 percent, he said it was a good idea.

“But it should be tied to the prime lending rate,” says Jim, my CFO friend. “Not just a random and concrete rate. Three percent over the prime rate should be about right. Anything over that is greed.”

So, Americans, what will you do to demand that credit card companies be reasonable?

Sandra is 52 and has a lot to say about relationships…

“When I was younger, marriage sounded appealing. Of course I had seen plenty of Disney movies where a man entered some forlorn girl’s world and turned it around to glitter, crowns, and lifelong love and adoration, but to me, partnering up with a man and experiencing life, love, family and maybe even growing spiritually and financially together seemed like an adventure I wanted to go on, and so I did. Three times! (long pause and a sigh) And so I’ve been single 10 years, and I want to hook up and commit, but I can’t go through another divorce financially, legally, or emotionally, and yet living with a man without some protection doesn’t seem like a fit either. I guess I want more and some sense of safety … so I’m in limbo …”

But you don’t have to be in limbo, Sandra, because Doctor Becky has an idea for men and women who believe they are through with marriage, yet want more, and the answer has been in front of our faces for a long time – the commitment ceremony.

Yes, friends, the perfect answer for those of us who don’t want to have kids but probably do have kids and want to keep what we’ve managed to scrape together so far, but still want to share with a partner on some level, is to borrow an idea from our gay friends and scream it to the world that we’re totally committed to the one we love, but for whatever reason, we don’t want to legally wed.

“Commitment ceremonies mean many different things to different people. A commitment ceremony can look just like a wedding, complete with church, wedding gown, and hundreds of guests — but no marriage license. Or, a commitment ceremony can be the most alternative event imaginable: a ritual to bless your relationship, or just a big party to celebrate your love. A commitment ceremony can be a huge bash with all your friends and relatives in attendance, an intimate exchange between you and your partner, or a family rite of passage to strengthen the bonds between parents and children in a new unmarried stepfamily. You can call it a commitment ceremony, a wedding, a ceremony of union, or anything else you like!”

Source: http://www.unmarried.org/commitment-ceremonies.html

Unmarried.org sells books and ideas for people straight and gay who are interested in this sort of non legal commitment. I think it is time for society to offer all men and women alternative ways of being committed together without having to involve the county clerk and assumed legal entanglements that come with marriage – is there something wrong with specifically mutually agreeing about what we will and will not be committing ourselves to? To me, this is one way to create the safety some of us need to commit. And if a couple want to legally entangle and buy real estate – or anything – together, they can work out contracts as a brother or sister or friend and friend might do. What’s wrong with that?