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April 12, 2009

Last night I went to the wedding of a 51-year-old friend who married for the first time. It was an extremely joyful event for everyone there, especially his mother, who was proud that her son had waited patiently until he found the right woman.

As I scanned the crowd at the outdoor garden event, I noted many who have been married several times, some who have given up on relationships altogether, a few confirmed singles, those going through divorce, couples married for decades, others in new relationships, and of course, a variety of singles who’d like nothing more than to meet someone special. With all of those many experiences and life stories, I wondered what collective wisdom they might offer to our friend as he embarks on this new chapter in his life …

What advice would you offer, and how can my friend ensure that life with his lovely new bride is the best it can be? While I wait to hear what you have to say, I have a few nuggets of wisdom to offer  …

Think We instead of Me. The happiest couples have a strong sense of us.

Make the relationship a priority. A relationship has to be nurtured along … you can’t just marry, forget about tending to it, and then expect it to grow and stay healthy. Many couples I see woo and adore each other while dating, and then drop the ball after the wedding or when children arrive. Bad idea. If careers, hobbies, parents, kids, or anything is put before your relationship, then you may well be writing the beginning of the end to your once hopeful love story.

Cherish and appreciate. Time and time again couples in my office complain that this aspect of their relationship has been lost, so take it from them, don’t let this happen to you and keep this ever-present in your mind … a woman who feels like her man values her will be thrilled to return the favor, and needless to say, he does this through his actions.  Likewise, men tell me repeatedly that they want to feel appreciated and valued by their wives – if you have a relationship consider yourself fortunate and treat it like the precious thing that it is. Find out what makes your spouse feel treasured and do it as often as you can.

Learn to fight healthy. Yes, there are ways to rip each other apart and destroy your marriage, and there are other ways to disagree and make your concerns known without drawing blood. Learn how to argue fairly, maturely, and respectfully. Research shows that healthy marriages have 5 positive interactions to every negative one – keep that in mind as you communicate with the one you love.

Getting to know you. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you know all there is to know about your spouse. When you learn as much as you can about your beloved, respect and admiration will build. Shhh… here’s a secret that marriage therapists know … knowing and understanding your spouse builds a foundation of caring, and when couples truly care about each other it affects everything and a sound marital house is built.

Mesh your dreams. Couples can work with each other to make their dreams come true, and when they do it strengthens the fabric of the relationship.

Touch and kiss. Keep the affection you brought to the marriage. Hold hands, hug and kiss each other romantically every day – how about locking lips for at least 10 seconds?

OK, so there is my starter package of advice and wisdom for my newly married friend … do you have anything to add?? Any life lessons learned about relationships, marriage, and romance you’d like to share?

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March 18, 2009

How do you get a teen to do his homework, go to school, or do whatever it is you want him or her to do?

This is an issue that I see a lot, and it typically goes like this – frustrated parent brings in unmotivated child who has been grounded and punished into oblivion for not doing (insert issue here), and guess what – the punishment doesn’t work … that’s right, even with all the negative repercussions, the problem not only doesn’t improve, it usually gets worse.

So what should a parent do?

First, a personal note to fellow moms and dads … I am the mother of two (age 21 and 19) and raising them has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I’ve screwed up and still make mistakes, but thankfully my kids (and yours) are forgiving and resilient, especially when we parents are flexible with can admit when we’re wrong — can you?

Now, back to business …

Of course, when a teen won’t cooperate, frustrated parents blame the child. They drag their resistant son or daughter in to see me, point and say, “Fix this person!!” Unwittingly the message to the teen is, "There is something defective about you."

What I know is that this is not a kid problem, it’s a family problem. You see, teens are stuck in a dreadful neutral zone between child and adult. Part of them is a child with all of the emotions, playfulness and emotions, while the other part is an adult who wants all the things that adults want. This creates a lethal parental cocktail causing the teen to be dedicated to doing the opposite of what mom or dad wants. The reason is that the half child/half adult wants to be independent, but also must test whether the folks love him or her for what is achieved or who they are. When parents start forcing the issue of grades and things like how well they do in sports, talent, or other activities, the teen will conclude that the parent values achievement. This is depressing to them, so they decide to stop achieving and wait for the parent to show that their love and caring is unconditional. The parent continues attempts to force the child into achievement, horns lock, and the battle is on. In the end, the teen inwardly says, “I will not let dad or mom win.”

Parents need to understand that lasting responsibility and motivation comes from within, not from being controlled and policed … and anyway, teens are smart and know what they’re supposed to be doing. Most of them are not mentally disordered, just in need of acceptance. Pressure and high expectations from you, perceived by your child as "what can you achieve," or "do you measure up?" will likely be counterproductive – think about it – when your parents were nagging and riding you as a teen did it help you to become motivated?

So, mom and dad, this is one tough lesson, but when it comes to your teen, let go … release … and allow your child the space to create his or her own success. Forget the idea that you can make your teen do things … yes, you may succeed in the short term, but you’ll be creating a whole new set of problems that resentment is likely to bring. Now comes the part where you can go to your teen and tell him or her that you have been wrong in your decision to severely punish, and that you will now be allowing them the power to decide their future.

If you release the need to police, your teen may fall on la butt. In this case, take a chill pill and know that there’s nothing like hitting rock bottom or the fear of being known as a loser to create the motivation to succeed.  No, its not fun for a parent to watch, but it’ll be one of the greatest lessons your child will ever learn.

One other thing … when I’m working with teens who aren’t motivated, won’t sleep, go to school or do school work, I will ask for a medical evaluation to make certain that no biological issues are the cause.  If this checks out and the child is healthy, I want to know also if they are motivated in other areas of their life. i.e. they hate school, but love their social life. If they are, then depression is not likely to be the issue. Still, parents should get their child assessed by a licensed therapist, and any interventions such as the  "release and let go" are best done under a therapist’s watchful eye.

I’d love to hear from other therapists and individuals about how they successfully or unsuccessfully handled similar issues with their teens … what did you learn?? Do you disagree? Cone on, let me have it!

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March 17, 2009

Oh the complicated job we therapists have!! Today I’d like to take a break from all of the complicated challenges I have with my job, so I’ll put you in my chair … watch out, it may turn your hair curly … here’s your case for the day …

A couple comes in for premarital counseling and the initial meeting is 90 minutes long.  You listen to their story, address their concerns, and pretty soon into it you’ve found enough red flags and land mines to know that there is no way the couple should be planning on sealing a lifelong deal, at least anytime soon. Yet, you inwardly turn green when told that the nuptials are imminent … so, what would you do?

A.    Ignore the troubles. Offer them your blessing and predict a bright future of love and happiness.
B.    Tell them you are worried about them making such a permanent commitment in the light of so many issues and ask about the possibility of marriage postponement, including counseling to work through things.
C.    Tell them their relationship is a train wreck and unless something drastic changes their marriage is certain to be miserable and will most likely end in divorce. P.S. Please don’t have kids.
D.    Run screaming out of the room.

So, what did you decide??

Obviously a therapist wants to be somewhat subtle in passing along the idea that the relationship needs reworking and tuning before signing up for such an important commitment as marriage. But when a ceremony is weeks as opposed to months away, I will be more direct, as in, “In my opinion, your relationship is already showing signs of imbalance and you are likely to have serious marital problems if you marry now, so I would advise you to work out your major issues prior to making a marriage commitment.”

Then the conversation typically goes like this …

“What? Are you talking about postponing the wedding?” Her eyes are wide, her mouth is open.

“It’s probably something you ought to consider.” I reach for my tea.

“Oh my God! My parents have already made their plane reservations. We’ve spent thousands on deposits …”

“I know but …”

“Do you know what you’re saying?” She looks at me from the side, her eyes narrow.

“Yes.”

“He may not want to marry me in six months if we postpone it now …”

“Isn’t it good to not get married if that is the case?”

“What will be people say? It will be so embarrassing!!”

“I was suggesting postponing the wedding, not canceling it.”

“Why can’t we just marry and do the counseling and repairing later?”

“You can. It’s just that will you do it? Will you see it through? Will you have the motivation? And what if the counseling causes you to recognize your incompatibilities, but now you’re married?”

“That won’t happen. We love each other. We are meant for each other. We will make it work.”

“OK, that’s fine, but I work with a lot of couples who have been in a similar place to where you are now, and who ultimately couldn’t work it out and divorced. Divorce is exceedingly painful, but in the end, it’s your decision.”

“Wow. We didn’t expect to hear this today.”

“Would you want me to not tell you what I see?  I thought that’s why you came here today.”

“It is, but … “

After a conversation like this, couples typically take it hard, and never come back. I totally understand this, but at least I can sleep at night knowing that I didn’t mislead them about the possibility of their relationship being a happily-ever-after one. My hope, of course, is that they get help and work through their issues, past and present, and it doesn’t bother me one bit that the work won’t be done with me. I imagine that if they don’t, months or years later, when the relationship falls apart, one or the other will say, “You know, years ago that therapist Doctor-whoever-it-was tried to tell us we needed to work through our issues, but we wouldn’t listen.”

So, armchair therapists, what do YOU think??

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