Here are upcoming availabilities for Dr. Becky:
Monday, May 11th: 9:00 a.m. – 10:30 a.m. and 4:00 p.m. – 6:00 p.m.
Tuesday, May 12th: Not available.
Wednesday, May 13th: 3:30 p.m. – 6:00 p.m.
Thursday, May 14th: 10:30 a.m. – 11:30 a.m.
Friday, May 15th: Not available.

See you soon, have a great weekend!

One of my friends once said that every divorced person she knew could identify a moment in time when they knew their marriage was over; I was intrigued, checked around, and friends who’d divorced agreed; “My husband was always unmotivated, he’d lost his third job, it was many months later and he was barely looking for another one,” said Josie. “So as I was driving off to work one day, saw him walk out on the front porch in his bathrobe, stretch his arms out, yawn, pick up the paper and stroll back in the house. That’s when I knew I’d had enough.”

Fran couldn’t wait to share: “He knew I couldn’t stand how he didn’t value me, and how cheap he was, and he used a damn coupon in a restaurant while we were in a bad spot and trying to work things out,” she said. “In one act he showed me he didn’t get it and never would.”

Sure enough, when my turn came a few years later I was also able to identify a similar moment of clarity. That divorce in 1993 so blew my mind that it ignited a ferocious need for understanding and knowledge that still exists to this day. I simply could not understand how I could go from loving someone so much to wanting to get away from him so intensely in 8 short years.  What happened? How could it have been prevented?

I read every book I could find. Went to therapy, workshops, and seminars and became sort of a local relationship guru in San Antonio, where I lived at the time, writing and speaking about how to make wise relationship decisions and prevent divorce.

All of that helped, but it wasn’t until graduate school (2001-2006) that I began (seriously) researching the subject and found that similar to the four stages of cancer, marriages that end deteriorate in four distinctive and predictable stages, and once a marriage moves from stage one to two, it will ultimately die if nothing is done about it.*

Why hadn’t anyone told me that?

The madness is that couples could easily avoid the deterioration process by being aware of the stages and getting help as soon as they realize their relationship is in trouble.

This sounds easy, but one of the crazier things about this phenomenon of human behavior is that once a person becomes unhappy in the relationship, he or she usually keeps it to him or herself and processes it alone in an internal conversation until the secret is finally revealed in one devastating conversation.

So, here are the four stages that will allow you to immediately diagnose your marriage. Stages, that if they became common knowledge, could change the whole relational world.

Caution: What you find out my scare you, and if it does, perhaps it will motivate you to get off your butt and take your marital problems seriously. Getting the help that you need is always a good thing.

The Four Stages of a Dying Marriage:

1. Disillusionment. You become aware, “Uh oh, I may be unhappy in this relationship. I’ll just sit with it and see if it’s serious or just a phase.”

2. Erosion. You conclude, “It IS serious. This could lead to divorce … Oh wait, I am NOT going to divorce because (place your many reasons here). I’ll just have to accept it and keep going.” Your partner may begin to notice signs of your unhappiness via snide or sarcastic remarks or passive aggressive behaviors.

3. Detachment. “My discontentment is getting worse! I will find a way to survive and find some happiness for myself by detaching and involving myself in activities that take me away from him/her like (put your activity here … it may be an affair, going back to work or school, travel, working out, etc). Your discontentment may become obvious to outsiders as now you are likely to exhibit it around others.

4. Point of no return, also known as “The Straw.” (You know, the one that breaks the camel’s back, the one my friend described years ago?) It’s the moment of clarity that one day arrives … we don’t know when or how or whether it will be over something big or small, but it will happen … When your partner says or does one last thing that causes all fog to lift and a personal declaration of, “You know what? I won’t be married to someone who would do (or say) something like that!” In that moment the decision to let the marriage die is made, and the brutal truth is often revealed to the spouse then or very soon after.

Many individuals decide to divorce at this point, or if not a legal divorce, they become emotionally divorced. Far too many couples make it to this point, and far too many are on their way.

Treating relationship issues seriously and dealing with them quickly and directly could change the rate of divorce in the United States drastically, and that is my personal goal. I suggest bringing up issues with your partner as soon as you realize you are in stage two as a good place to start, and not being afraid of going to therapy and asking for help as another crucial piece.

*I researched and wrote my 2006 dissertation on how people in long-term marriages decide to divorce. The four stages were what I found during the course of the research.

Scholar Diane Vaughan, Ph.D., also described stages of marital deterioration in her 1986 research-based book, “Uncoupling.”

As an experienced Marriage & Family Therapist, I have seen many couples seeking premarital counseling, and they do it for two reasons: It’s either required by whoever is marrying them, or they’re seeking an assessment by a professional who might show them areas of strength and weakness, while also offering helpful suggestions on how to have a healthy relationship. Of those, two couples had what it takes to have a successful marriage and received my full endorsement, while the rest of them got married, even after being passionately discouraged not to.

I believe that choosing to marry the wrong partner is the primary reason for the high rate of divorce in the United States. No one can blame the American public for not knowing how to do it; while we are taught in school about the solar system, world history and how to give a speech, never is healthy family dynamics and communication discussed. What an egregious educational oversight.

So we grow up, usually in dysfunctional families, become attracted to people, commit, and begin a life with someone while not knowing a damn thing about how to do it ­ – never mind the divorce rate, the important question is how many married people are truly thriving and happy? No one knows for sure, but researchers estimate that only 8 to 17 percent of married people can be described as happy and satisfied – that’s pitiful.

Since my life goal is to change all of that, I decided that as a public service I would make a list of predictors of divorce. That way maybe someone will listen and think hard before getting into these sorts of situations. [1]

The most common characteristics predicting marital doom are:

• Age & education. The younger you are and the less education you have, the higher the divorce rate.[2]

• A sense of urgency to rush a wedding date. In this scenario, one person is unusually anxious to get the marriage date on the calendar despite the obvious wisdom of taking your time and allowing the relationship to have a longer history. The plea to the reluctant fiancé is often, “Well, we’re going to get married anyway so why not go ahead and do it now. The person rushing the issue usually has less-than-healthy motives for not waiting, such as an inability to be alone, being emotionally anxious, wanting to improve financial security, etc.

• A major power discrepancy that creates dominance of one person over the other. You’re rich, she’s not; she’s old, you’re not; you’re beautiful, he’s not, etc. (Think Anna Nicole Smith and J. Howard Smith II, married in 1994, they are the poster children for most predictors of divorce in one marriage. Unfortunately Marshall died after one year of marriage at age 90, but therapists had their money on it ending in divorce had he lived).[3]

• Insecurity & trust issues. A great relationship has to have a strong sense of trust and solidness with one another; otherwise it will be built on a fragile foundation that will lead to all sorts of cracks in the walls of the marriage in the years to come.

• Blending families. Most kids do not enjoy sharing their parent with outsiders, and if they had a say, the precious time they do have with their parent after a divorce would be to have quality time on their own. It can take up to five years – and sometimes it never happens – for a child to acclimate to a step parent and/or the new set of children that comes with that person. Add to that the refusal of most kids to treat a stepparent as an authoritarian figure, or even someone they like, and torn feelings the parents have between their new spouse and their children, and you can see why the divorce rate for blended families is so high – 60 percent or higher. Although it can occasionally be a good thing, I say avoid it if you can.

• Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. If criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (emotional or physical withdrawal from interacting) already exist in your relationship, your marriage will last an average of 5.6 years., says Dr. John Gottman’s research., so don’t do it.[4]

• Chronic immaturity. Putting self before others in the worst possible ways, i.e., thoughtlessness, lack of self-discipline and inability to control one’s self. Into immediate gratification, inability to accept responsibility, has an excuse for everything.

Preparing yourself individually to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit will prepare you for a healthy relationship in the future. Having two emotionally healthy, mature people who can take care of themselves if need be, but who value that needing and caring for a life partner will certainly enhance life, is the spirit required for a successful marriage. When you are healthy, you will attract healthy partners, and the ones who aren’t will slip away. This is the ground on which to choose a mate for life.

[1] Some of the best research on this subject comes from esteemed scholar Dr. John Gottman’s Love Lab at the University of Washington in Seattle. Gottman is famous for being able to predict whether a couple will divorce with 94% accuracy. For more info visit www.gottman.com

[2] Bureau of Labor Statistics. Marriage and divorce: patterns by gender, race, and educational attainment. October 2013.

http://www.bls.gov/opub/mlr/2013/article/marriage-and-divorce-patterns-by-gender-race-and-educational-attainment.htm

[3] For more information on this coupling go to http://www.biography.com/people/anna-nicole-smith-183547

[4] Gottman, John. www.gottman.com.