Power struggles: What to do if one spouse is more successful than the other.

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Put two people in a room and they’re going to compare themselves to one another other — that’s what humans do. The same is true of two people who are married, each looks at the other and decides who’s the best, the strongest, smartest, nicest, who does the most — ugh — power struggles are inevitable. That’s why marriage therapists know that the more evenly balanced a couple is in the beginning, the more likely their marriage is to succeed.

We therapists think of these areas where couples compete or compare as areas of power. For example, beauty is power. So is money. And who has the most of any of these things is likely to be perceived as having more power. Here are a few more areas where power struggles show up:

• Age • Education * Family of origin • Health • Success • Intelligence • Energy level • Confidence

• Bowling score (Just kidding, but if you are way better at one skill than your spouse, it conceivably could be an issue).

Being as evenly balanced as possible is important because then we won’t have to deal with things like fear, envy, jealously and resentment … all because of what your spouse has that you don’t. Example: If Suzette is prettier than I am and has more money and success, I might feel envious of her and worry that she’ll leave me for what I consider to be a higher quality mate. I also might resent her for the positive strokes she gets in her life while I get little or no acknowledgement at all. This is how power trouble starts in relationships.

Success is a common area where couples experience an imbalance of power. Here’s a few common combos that put relationships at risk:

• One-sided. He has it and she doesn’t. • Flip-flop. They both had it but one person loses it. The other person gets it.

• One-sided shifts to balance. He has it, she eventually gets it, and he can’t cope with her new-found success.

The real problem for the couple at the end of the day is lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. If they had it they would be able to deal with anything. For those that don’t have it and feel lesser than, what are you waiting for? I implore you to dig in and do what it takes to feel good about you and your life. If you don’t have something that you feel passionate about, find it. What intrigues you? Go to school, start a business, become a writer or photographer, mechanic, cosmetician or whatever you find interesting and satisfying. Feeling good about yourself and having something you’re excited about is the antidote to comparing yourself negatively to others.

Now, a word to the successful spouse, the one who may feel better than …

The biggest issue I see with successful spouses versus the spouse who either stays at home or makes less income, is that they get territorial about the fruits of their success … some tend to refer to the money in the bank account as “my money,” or make comments such as, “Who do you think bought this nice house we’re living in?” Another destructive doozy is, “If we get divorced you’ll have to go back to living in a cheap apartment” or “Without me you’d still be living with your parents.” These sorts of remarks show up too often in my marriage therapy practice and I assure you they will have no positive outcome and should never be said.

Anytime you say something to your partner that is even a smidge demeaning, threatening or dominating, it will not help them feel good about themselves and it will make you look like an overlord and bully, so don’t do it. Once said, these sorts of ugly words are never forgotten and will sow major seeds of resentment.

If you are the more successful partner in your relationship, take the Stedman and Oprah approach: Stedman has his own successful career and must know he will never make as much money as Oprah, but he has enough self-confidence to be OK with himself and what he does to not to be threatened by her success. As for O, you can bet she doesn’t rub his nose in it and never thinks of herself as better than or more worthy of a person than he is. I think it takes a special person to be in Stedman’s position, but it takes a classy, not-defined-by-her success, humble person to still see a guy like Stedman as her equal and to treat him as such. Those two types of comfortable-in-their-own-skin, OK-as-is personalities are hard to find.

The bottom line of dealing with the I-am-more-successful-than-you situation in marriage is to never use your power against your partner; always treat them as your equal; understand that your worth is inherent, comes from the inside and not from what you do, have or who you know; and to always support and cheer your partner on in whatever they choose to make of their life. Love who you love, as is.

Originally published at marriagecrisismanager.com on August 30, 2016.

Doing couples therapy with a narcissist

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Coming back from Los Angeles and Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy training earlier this year, I mulled over what I learned. One of the things Real specializes in is treating couples where one person is a narcissist. Every therapist knows how hard it is to work with individuals with a personality disorder, and the narcissist is no exception. Unfortunately for us and the world, they exist in plentiful supply. Imagine: A person who thinks he* knows more than anyone and looks at others in a “looking-down-at-them and I-know-better-than-you” position, with a steel-reinforced defense mechanism and/or boundary-less offender. Add to that a strong resistance to change and learning new things and ideas … if it sounds like it would be difficult to help them, you’d be right.

I feel I must say that for couple’s therapy to be truly successful, we need each person to enter the arena with a humble heart — open to admitting what they may be doing wrong, seeing the other person’s perspective, and eager to make things right. Narcissists simply cannot do that, and most often when the therapist hits resistance from them and their steel defense mechanism, (and they will!), the narcissist will refuse to return to therapy. Heaven forbid that their sensibilities get offended. They often refuse to return to the therapy, with while telling their spouse later that the therapist was a “quack” or “idiot.”

So how to break the code and get the narcissist to play ball in the therapy arena? It involves first, educating them about the details of what their personality really says about them — never using the word narcissist unless you really think it would make a positive difference; that they have come out of childhood with a very damaged ego system, that at the bottom of it is a belief that they aren’t good enough, and the puffed up arrogance that has resulted is really a false self-created long ago to get them through life. The problem with that is …

1. They aren’t being genuine and authentic, and it takes a lot of energy to keep supporting a false self by putting on an act every day. 2. It is not relational. People simply cannot have a healthy relationship with a person who looks down at others and either has an iron wall up or has no boundaries at all.

3. The false self, defensive walls or boundary-less behavior are a result of toxic shame taken on in childhood. Toxic shame is the underlying belief that a person is defective or not good enough.

So after educating them about their personality traits and how those traits are not conducive to relationships, we introduce a strategy of joining with them through a little dose of the truth: “How you are behaving is not a good thing … is this who you really want to be?” “Do you really want to be this person to your children?”

We know that underneath all the puffed-up-ness is a real human being that is functional and able to give and take and love deeply. The arrogance and defenses or boundary-less behavior can be controlled because we have evidence that in some circumstances, say in the workplace or with friends, he does control himself and act reasonably. We simply have to get him to access his better, more kind and gentler self, the one that Pia Mellody-trained therapists call “The Functional Adult,” and the Christian religion refers to as the Holy Spirit. We want him to use it instead of his ugly side. If he succeeds he has a chance at having healthy relationships with the people he loves the most.

Another important part of this is to show couples the Relationship Grid graphic. This way they will know absolutely that their stance is not conducive to having a healthy relationship, creating a visual that makes it impossible to deny that a person is not functional enough to be relational. If you’re personality falls into the green area, something isn’t working.

Here it is:

The Relationship Grid graphic shows us that dysfunctional people’s self-esteem is either openly grandiose or shame-filled, meaning their behavior exhibits they think they are better than others, or less than others; and emotionally and boundary-wise they either hide behind a wall (walled-off) or have endless need for their partner’s connection (boundary-less). Find out which combination you and your partner have, and you’ll find out why your relationship doesn’t work.

It is probably important to understand that in the center of the grid is the healthy person, who has neither walls nor endless needs and is available and able to connect and be close or to give space, and neither thinks they are better or less than anyone else. These people have a basic respect and love for themselves and other human beings.

A narcissistic person is going to be on the grandiose end of the spectrum, and they will either be walled off or boundary-less. Show them this and there will no doubt that their stance will not work within a romantic relationship. Of course, if the partner is a one-down person and walled off or boundary-less, we will need to work on them to have healthy self-esteem, to strengthen their spine when it comes to dealing with their “I know best” partner, and to exhibit moderation in their need for connection.

* Narcissists come in both genders, of course. I use the pronoun he here for ease of communication.

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Originally published at marriagecrisismanager.com on June 17, 2016.