See the article where it was originally posted on Medium …

https://medium.com/@doctorbecky/what-control-is-and-how-to-stop-it-cb884cb421a1

How to take your life back from a control freak.

Taking your life back from a control freak requires self care and understanding your worth as an adult.

One day long ago, someone decided it was the right thing to tell another person what to do, and in that moment a precedent was set that would make millions of people miserable. Unfortunately, the person who enjoys being controlled by another has yet to be born, but that hasn’t stopped anyone from trying. The good news is I’m going to tell you where controlling behavior comes from, why people do it, and how to stop it once and for all. Old habits die hard, of course, but with hard work and determination you can take back your life and live it the way you choose. Let’s get started.

Where it comes from. It begins with self-esteem, boundary, and trust issues.

The concepts I am about to describe were created by Pia Mellody, a humble nurse who in the 1970s and 80s worked with her husband at The Meadows Behavioral Health Center in Wickenburg, Arizona. She was tasked to figure out how patients there became addicts, as it wasn’t understood at the time. As she began to unlock the puzzle, she realized that even non-addicted people had the same issues the addicts did. In 1989 she published the book Facing Codependence, which should be mandatory reading for all adults, and a movement for treating childhood developmental trauma was born. In all my education and research, no one’s work comes close to Pia’s for explaining how we became dysfunctional, and what being a healthy adult is. I studied with Pia from 2010 to 2013 and learned how to help people using her model. To say that it has transformed my practice is an understatement.

It all begins at ground zero, with our caretakers. Children have no knowledge of how to survive, so our parents are supposed to lovingly protect, guide and nurture us until we can take the reins of life and take care of our own needs. A child is dependent and has no impulse control, and they love to test boundaries, so they would not survive without the appropriate intervention of well-meaning adults. All too often, though our parents fail us, even ones with good intentions. As we grow, we’re supposed to be given enough freedom and autonomy, on an age-appropriate level, to gain the self-esteem and confidence we’ll need to one day fly the nest. If they fail, by being too strict, overprotective, and controlling, or too lenient and not teaching us how to protect ourselves, we will either end up with no self-esteem — thinking we are less than most others, or with too much self-esteem, thinking we are better than most others.

Parents who show through word or action that children are less-than or second-class citizens, compare children to others, push them to be perfect, teach them that being accepted is earned by some sort of action, achievement, or is conditional on external things being true (job, money, beauty, etc.) set them up to have low self-esteem. Parents who teach their children through word or action to find fault with others, and/or teach them that they are special or superior to others, fail to correct them when they do wrong, set them up to believe they are better than most others. In my family I was taught that we were better than some people, and less than others. This is how we are all set up as young adults to have dysfunctional self-esteem.

Had our families not failed somewhere along the way, our self-esteem would be healthy, and we’d could understand that just because we are human beings, we are all equally precious and valuable. Self-esteem isn’t earned, it is a feeling of worth and value that comes from within. Nothing anyone might say or do could change that. Parents should teach us that human beings are flawed and imperfect by design, and when we do make mistakes, it’s not the end of the world. In my experience, 99 percent of adults are either toxic-shame filled and feeling less-than and not good enough, or arrogant or grandiose, and feeling better than. I have never met anyone (yet) who came out with healthy self-esteem, though I understand they exist.

Boundaries are the security system for human beings that 1. Keep others from coming into our space and abusing us, 2. Keep us from doing that to others (self-control), and 3. Give us a way to embody a sense of who we are. We must protect our bodies from others, restrain ourselves from harming others physically, and to be able to be who we are as far as how we think, feel, and what we choose to do. Once grown and independent, no other adult has the right to control these things.

Since babies are born with no ability to protect themselves, our parents are supposed to teach us how. They are to teach us not to abuse others, nor to allow others to abuse us. But most of us come from homes with impaired boundaries, and we either not protected enough, or were too protected. Our external boundaries have to do with our physical body, and internal boundaries have to do with how we think, feel, and what we do. People with healthy boundaries know how to protect themselves physically, to restrain themselves and respect other’s wishes concerning space and being touched. People with healthy internal boundaries don’t tell others how to think, feel, or what they should do, and they take responsibility for how they think, feel, and what they do. They also know they are only responsible for their own internal boundary system, and not that of others.

One more aspect to people who try to control others, is a lack of trust in our fellow human beings. If your parents had a fundamental distrust of people, you likely learned at an early age not to trust people, too. Another way to learn distrust is if you had family members who weren’t trustworthy. If your past experiences tell you that can’t count on mom or dad, then you likely came to believe you can’t count on anyone. Now armed with toxic shame or grandiosity, an inability to set boundaries, and a distrust of people, the die is cast to either control or be controlled.

How control works in real time.

Ron set on the couch in my office and smirked at his wife, Sonja. He had told her over and over what he wanted her to do, and she refused to do it, and felt she was being unreasonable. He had brought her in to get me to persuade her that what he was telling her was the right thing to do, but he was in for a rude awakening. He would not be the first person to come for marriage therapy wanting me to straighten out their spouse, when it was the complainer themself that mostly needed to learn a thing or two. Ron was grandiose and sincerely thought he was an authority on how others should live their lives. An only child, he’d been raised as his parent’s golden boy, and believed he was especially gifted. He didn’t trust his wife to know what was best for her own life. I asked, “Where did you get the idea that you are an authority on how one should live, and should be telling others how to live their lives?” He looked stunned. “I don’t really know.” “Right,” I said. “Well sit down while I teach you about the healthy way to have relationships with others.” He slinked back into the cushion for the lesson you are now learning. My feeling is, until the day you have mastered perfection in your own life, which will never happen, you have no business telling others how to live theirs.

As I said before, people who are controlling do not trust others. My personal stance on trust is a healthy one. I neither trust nor distrust anyone when we become acquainted. Trust is earned over time, when what you tell me turns out to be true, or what you said you would do was done. If you lie or mislead me or promise to do something and don’t one or two times, that’s it. I won’t trust you, and our friendship will end. That’s a far different stance from the people who have never trusted anyone in their lives. Quite a few married individuals have told me they trust no one, including their spouse. You can imagine all the terrible ways that not trusting your spouse might play out.

People with low self-esteem and those who have falsely high self-esteem (grandiosity) may feel the need to control others. The idea is, I don’t trust people, and I don’t feel comfortable with you going out into the world without my awareness and control of your life. I want to know where you go, who you are with, how long you were there, why you were there, and if I don’t like any of it you must stop doing it. Better yet, why don’t you stay at home where I can feel comfortable and know that you’re behaving the way that makes me feel comfortable? When a family member is out in the world and the controller doesn’t know what they’re doing, it creates enormous anxiety. The antidote for the unbearable anxious feelings is to control. The grandiose person may feel entitled do this since they know better. The toxic-shame person may internally say, “Well, you’re better than I am, and it’s a matter of time before you figure that I’m not worthy of you. So, if I sequester and control you, I can make sure that doesn’t happen.”

The person who gets controlled.

Enter the person who has no boundaries. This is the person who will be compliant when they meet a person who wants to control them. These are the people who say things like, “My husband won’t let me …”

We typically have the same boundary system our families had. If your family was boundary-less and said exactly what was on their mind unfiltered, you may well have learned that this is healthy, but it isn’t. If your mother and father or siblings didn’t control themselves, and invaded your privacy, touched your body at will, took your things, asked you inappropriate questions, offered unbridled opinions, mostly let you do what you wanted to do when you wanted to do it, didn’t set healthy guidelines like bedtimes, didn’t teach you how to protect yourself from others, then you may be like that today, or at least think it’s just how people are. If you learned that you must not speak out and complain when someone is doing something you don’t desire, and you must engage in people-pleasing behaviors to be liked and approved of, you didn’t learn how to protect yourself. I was raised by a classic southern belle, born in 1919, and she scolded me when I didn’t do what others wanted me to do, or if I complained to anyone about anything. If the room was too cold, don’t speak out. If someone’s smoke was nauseating me in a car, endure it. If dad wanted to hug and kiss me every morning with his nasty whiskers scraping my face, even though I begged him not to — he also smelled! — I was the one with the problem. I became a world-class pleaser, a toxic dynamic that took me years to overcome. It also set me up to tolerate too much from men for a very long time.

A person who does not believe they have the right to set boundaries is catnip for a controlling person. You may not like what is happening, and you might resent others to high heaven, but you allow yourself to be controlled and victimized because you don’t realize you are valuable and have the right to live your life the way you want. You may wrongly feel that what others want is more important than what you want. If your caretakers didn’t encourage autonomy and authenticity, you may not have developed a strong sense of self and rely on other adults to direct you. Clients frequently tell me their compass for living is not what they want, but what others want them to do. This is why they end up as adults who have no idea who they are or what they want. Boundary offenders can sense people who lack boundaries. Put five hundred people in a room, and the boundary offender will find the person with no boundaries every time.

Healthy boundaries look like this: Every adult has the right to free will. No one else has the right to control you in any way. No one may tell another adult what is true for them, how to think, feel, or what to do. Unsolicited advice and trying to fix people without their permission is a boundary violation. Physically, we have the right to not be touched, and people should always ask permission to touch or hug another. We do not have to have sexual relations with anyone if we don’t want to, even our spouse. We get to live life our own way, regardless of other people’s opinions. Of course, if we are married, we should be considerate and sensitive to our partner’s needs and wants, and make important decisions together, but no one has the right to control us, even our romantic partners. How we live our life in long-term relationships is negotiated.

When I married my children’s dad back in the 1980s, he was a young physician. He had achieved so much in 30 years that I was in awe of him and internally concluded that he was smarter and wiser than I was. I stepped aside and let him make important decisions for us. I would tell him what I wanted, but I was often overruled, and I wrote it off that he knew better. In many ways it was a parent/child dynamic, until I started having depression and anxiety. I went to a therapist, and slowly began to figure out what it is to be a healthy adult. I realized I had no power in the relationship because I gave the power away. My belief that he was better than I was gave way to understanding that I was as valuable as my husband in every way. What I wanted was as important as what he wanted. I started to speak out, set boundaries, and have strong opinions. One day he said, “What the hell has happened? I paid for you to go to a therapist, and you basically came home and told me to go to hell.” I guess that’s what it felt like to him when I began to stand up for myself. When I began to be true to myself, I stopped having depression and anxiety. Once you experience the freedom of advocating for yourself, you won’t want to go back.

While someone who allows themselves to be controlled needs to attain healthy self-esteem and boundaries, the person who controls needs to learn that they are better than no one and have no right to tell another what to think, feel, or do. In healthy relationships we have two individuals with a solid sense of self, and an ability to set boundaries when needed. This is not an impossible task and can be learned. Of course, there are those who have personality disorders such as narcissism that are unable to change their perspective. These people will not change.

If you have children, you may now question how you are raising them. Overprotection is nothing to brag about. The good news is that if you change, they will change. Learn healthy self-esteem and boundaries and role model how it’s done. It’s never too late to change your own behavior, and when you do, it’ll change the family. Learn who your true self is. You find out by tasting life — take you for a spin and see what you enjoy and what you don’t. Do more of what makes your heart sing, and less of what drags you down. A healthier relationship with yourself will make you a happier person. A happier person leads to better health overall.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas*, and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager® . Sh would love your support with a follow and appreciates you sharing her work! She has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages, and is also co-host of the Call Your Mother relationship show on You Tube, and has a private practice in Little Rock, Arkansas, and as a life coach via teletherapy. To contact her check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com.

*For licensure verification check Becky Whetstone Cheairs.

Self improvement, growth mindset, positive attitude to learn new knowledge improvement for business problem concept, smart businessman learner using watering can to water growing seedling on his head.

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To marry or not, and who to marry, are some the biggest decisions of your life. Why not take your time and do all you can to make sure it’s right?

Whether to get married or not is one of life’s biggest decisions, and in my opinion fewer people should do it. Why? Because too many men and women aren’t cut out for it, and their bad decision to do it anyway affects a lot of people in negative ways. The part that’s unforgivable is bringing children into it. Luckily, it seems like my wish of a more discerning singles population is coming true, a Pew Research analysis of 2019 census data tells us that four in 10 Americans (38%) between age 25 to 54 live alone without a partner, compared to 29 percent in 1990. (1) This is the best news I’ve had all year. Maybe watching your parent’s terrible union had a positive effect? Also, it is no longer true that one who does not get married is viewed as an undesirable as it was in my day. At long last the choice to remain single is respected.

Still, there is nothing as satisfying as a solid marriage, and nothing worse than a bad one. To have a great marriage, it takes two mature, mentally and emotionally healthy people who are prepared to do the give and take a great relationship takes. I find that people mature enough to do this are few and far between.

But you can change all that. To encourage partnership choices that have the best potential, I have created a list of important questions to consider. Hopefully this list is not like others you may have seen. As a marriage therapist and marriage crisis specialist, I have dealt with every issue imaginable, and a lot of the list of questions comes from subjects that couples I have worked with tangle over. In my opinion, the divorce rate would plummet if people would treat the marriage choice like their life depends on it. The decision should be made slowly and thoughtfully, and do I really need to explain that marrying someone you know isn’t right with the hope you can change them is a fool’s game? When I ask clients about this, they often admit they noticed at least one red flag before marriage, but threw themselves on the matrimony alter anyway, hoping the person might change. Hey, if you are planning to spend the rest of your life with someone, please spend more times vetting partners than you do selecting a box of cereal. The reasons people chose to marry the person they did are often the very reasons that set them up for future divorce; “She was hot.” “He had a great job.” “He was survivalist.” “She was going to move if I didn’t marry her.” “She got pregnant.”

Another consideration is the ticking biological clock that often creates a sense of urgency, especially in women. I would have hoped that in this age we could freeze eggs or go ahead and have a child without being married rather than settle for an incompatible man (or woman) to marry and have a child with. I have news for you, you can do better. The person you marry comes as is. You should not expect to control or change them, and that’s what dating is for, to see if you want to sign up with a person just the way they are. Of course, most people will grow and change over the life span, and we can’t predict in what ways, so make sure you are the type of person who can be flexible with your spouse’s inevitable metamorphosis. Now, as a public service, here is a list of 45 essential questions to explore before choosing a future spouse.

1. Do you want to have children? If you do, don’t marry someone who doesn’t, and don’t tell yourself the lie that you can convert them into wanting to. When discussing the number of children, I suggest a ballpark number, because once you have kids and see how hard it is that number will probably go down. Is the number of children you hope to have flexible? If you are unable to have a biological child, would you be willing to undergo fertility treatments or adopt?
2. Finances. Do each of you make enough money to support yourselves without a partner? This would be the healthiest financial stance for any potential couple. Why? It’s okay to have your spouse support you, but you need to able to support yourself without them just in case. One adult being dependent on another presents all sorts of problems. It takes super-solid individuals to be able to have one person stay at home while the other works without it causing power and control issues, and not that many people can pull that off. Other financial issues to consider are, would you be willing to purchase a substantial life insurance policy to protect your loved ones? Do you keep your bank account in the black? what’s your attitude about debt? Are you okay if your partner wants to handle their money completely differently? Will you be transparent in allowing your spouse to know your finances and will they be transparent with you? Will you combine money or keep separate accounts, each contributing to the household?
3. Sex. You knew this was coming. What are your sexual preferences? Are you mostly vanilla or do you like a lot of sprinkles and syrups? What type of sexual relationship do you envision as ideal? Do you have the maturity to be okay on those days, weeks or months your spouse doesn’t feel like it? Can you be flexible over the lifespan as sexual interest ebbs and flows? Would you seek medical treatment and potentially take medications or undergo procedures if something physical came up that affect being sexual?
4. Bio family. If you marry, would your partner put you first, over their extended family members? Does their family practice appropriate boundaries and mind their own business? Would they be supportive of your relationship? What are your biological family’s expectations of you as a couple? Are you willing to set firm boundaries with them if necessary?
5. Career. Will one or both of you have a career? Have you discussed career goals? Will you stay in balance with your work, avoiding workaholism? Do you believe one person’s career is more important than the other? If one of you wants to quit work, to raise kids, go to school, take a break, would you be willing to support them? If you have children and must take them to the doctor, who will leave work to do so? Who will take the day off to nurse a sick child?
6. Work ethic. If your family requires a two-person income to live a solid middle class lifestyle, are you willing to pull your weight to make it happen? If either one of you lose your job, will you find something, anything, to help until you can find something new?
7. Tidiness. Is one of you obsessive about cleanliness and everything having a place? Will you be able to lovingly live with a partner who is not that way? Would you inflict your tidy and cleanliness needs on them? If you are messy, are you willing to be more mindful of who that affects others?
8. Holidays. Some people have strong family traditions. Would you be willing to spend every major holiday with either you or your partner’s family? Would you be willing to take turns, or would you prefer to have your own holiday, just the two of you? What kind of birthday, holiday traditions are appointment to you? Are there any holiday or birthday traditions you reject?
9. Spiritual practice. Religious beliefs are highly personal. Does either one of you have a strong spiritual or religious stance? Is it important for your spouse to practice the way you do? Would you want to raise children in your religion? Is it okay with you if you practice religion or spirituality while your spouse does not?
10. Pets. Does one of you have, or want to have, pets? Anyone allergic to pets? Are you both okay with having indoor pets? Would you let your pet sleep in your bed? Do you believe in responsible pet ownership that includes medical care and not surrendering your animal for any reason? If you have pets, who will feed and take care of them?
11. Politics. The nation has become viciously divided, and so have many couples and families who have different views on political issues. Do you have similar or opposing beliefs? Do you require a potential partner to have the same political beliefs as you? Can you be fine with a partner who dislikes almost everything you believe in?
12. Sports. Does one of you like to watch or play sports anytime you can, including golf, football, tennis, soccer, hunting, fishing, etc. Do you believe you are balanced in your love of participating in or watching sports? If you are obsessed with watching or participating in sports, is your partner okay with that? If you are a hunter and feel you must be able to go away from your family every weekend during hunting season, does your spouse support that? Are you willing to compromise?
13. Firearms. What are your beliefs about firearms? Would you have firearms in your home? Would they be loaded? What safety precautions would you take?
14. Music. Do you share similar taste in music? Would you insist on playing your music even if your spouse abhors it? What kind of music drives you crazy? Can you find music that both of you enjoy?
15. Health. Do you believe in taking care of yourself? Do you do it? Do you get regular health maintenance like checkups, dentist visits, vaccinations? Do you care if your spouse does? Do you think exercise and weight management is important? If you experience health problems would you do all you can to resolve them?
16. Alcohol. Do you drink? If you do, do you do it in balance? Do you care if your partner drinks? If drinking becomes a problem in your life, would you get help?
17. Birth Control. Do you believe both partners are responsible for birth control? As a spouse, would you be willing to use birth control? If you decide to not have any more children, would either of you be willing to take permanent measures to end fertility?
18. Boundaries with exes. Do you have solid boundaries with the mother or father of your children, keeping your previous relationship all business concerning child wellbeing and logistics? Do you believe it is okay to remain friends and sometimes do things together? What about your former in-laws?
19. Crazy exes. Crazy vindictive exes exist and can bring down a relationship that otherwise would have flourished. If your potential partner is constantly going back to court to battle and their former love enjoys making life miserable for them, you might think twice before signing up.
20. Saving. Do you believe in setting a certain amount of money aside for retirement? Do you have a plan for that? Are you okay if you want to save and your spouse does not?
21. Worry, anxiety and mental health. One of the biggest shocks I’ve experienced as a therapist is seeing how nervous, fearful, anxious, phobic, or paranoid so many people are. The constant obsessive thinking drains energy, breaks down health, and relationships. These things are highly fixable with trauma therapy and sometimes, medications. If you have this issue, would you be willing to do everything in your power to overcome it?
22. Personality. One of the few things in life that can’t be changed. If you don’t like characteristics of your partner’s personality, decide if they are deal breakers. I am extroverted and a walking exclamation mark, my husband is introverted and loves quiet, and it works, mainly because he is incredibly accepting and tolerant. Can you be tolerant of your partner’s personality differences, or do you want them to be like you, or different than they are? Can you accept them as is, without hope for change?
23. Growth and evolution. The world is full of seekers and non-seekers. Which one are you? Some people are endlessly curious and love learning, growing, and being better. Others are fine with how they are. I have had numerous conversations with distraught spouses married to people who care nothing about evolving. Would this be important to you?
24. Eating out. Some people want to eat out almost every meal, and sometimes this means fast food. Is that okay with you? What kind of meal traditions are important to you? Do you care about healthy nutrition? Is it okay with you if your spouse does not?
25. Food. What kinds of foods would you want to keep around the house? Who will be responsible for grocery shopping and cooking?
26. TV habits. In the age of streaming, enticing television is always available, and it can become addicting. Do you love to spend most free time, in the evening after work, watching TV? Do you think television is a waste of time and should be minimized? Would you like a TV-free household? If you do enjoy watching TV together, does that count as quality time? Are you comfortable with your partner watching TV and knitting, painting, or playing on their phone or tablet?
27. Phones, tablets, video games. Is your partner in love with their electronic devices? Are you comfortable with the amount of time they spend on these plug-in time consumers? It’s not fair to get married to someone who has a phone glued to their hand and ask them to put it down so you can be comfortable. Work it out prior to marriage.
28. Past relationships and sexcapades. There are things that are simply asinine to discuss, and one of those is the number of sexual partners your love has had. I strongly suspect people who ask about these sorts of things don’t have good intentions, so unless you can hear a shocking answer and remain nonjudgmental, stay away from it. What you did, who was best, are not discussions any of us should be having. Human beings are sexual animals, and single people should exercise their sexuality however they see fit so long as they do so responsibly. That goes for men and women. If you want to have a lifelong monogamous pact with someone, that is what’s important. Yes, it is possible for someone who enjoyed a robust, single, sexual life to settle down.
29. Retirement plans. A lot of people I know did not plan for the future and regret it today. If you want to have an adult marriage, you will both want to dedicate yourselves to putting back enough for your senior years. Don’t count on working until you die or inheriting a chunk from Grandmother. Live your lives as if your financial future depends on you, because often, it will.
30. Emotional maturity. This is a biggie. One of the most common characteristics of emotional immaturity is blaming other people for your unhappiness. Short of things like getting punched in the nose unprovoked, blaming others for your plight in life is highly inappropriate. You are responsible for you and your happiness. People who are mature control and edit themselves and accept responsibility. for how they feel. Adults are willing to delay gratification for a higher reward. They are respectful and conduct themselves in a way that’s conducive to getting along with people. They are solid and grounded. For me, this is a requirement to sign up for a lifetime with someone.
31. Attachment style. It’s important to know your and your partner’s attachment styles, and to decide whether you are comfortable with them. If not, you have the option to work for change, but it’s a tough journey. Here’s what they are: 1. Avoidant — Keeps people at arm’s length. Often emotionally unavailable. Too much closeness and they pull away while complaining of feeling smothered. 2. Anxious. Anxiety-filled and desperately seek closeness. May feel insecure and need regular reassurance and contact. When paired with an avoidant, they play a game of trying to pull their love closer, only to find they stay for a moment, and pull away. 3. Secure attached. The healthiest attachment style, the secure attached person can give their partner all the space they need or come close, whatever is called for. 4. Disorganized. Unpredictable and volatile in relationships, experience feelings of both avoidant and anxious attachment. If it was me, I would always choose a secure attached partner.
32. Temperament. Oh, the misery a moody person brings to another. A bad mood can ruin precious moments, and the sad thing is, it’s controllable. Are you and your partner capable of controlling your moods? If not, would you go to a physician and therapist to sort it out? It is each person’s responsibility to bring their best self to the marriage.
33. Sleep and energy levels. I was raised in a family where sleep was a precious thing, and it was always to be respected. If someone was tired, let them sleep. Other families are more regimented and perceive that sleeping late in the morning and taking naps is a sign of laziness and time-wasting. I personally disagree with this. What are you views on sleeping? Can you get up at the break of dawn and allow your spouse to sleep if they need with no negative repercussions? The healthy stance is to let people be who they are, practice self-care as they need, and to not control or judge them. When it comes to having enough energy to make it through a day, good sleep hygiene, nutrition, being mentally and emotionally healthy are all part of what creates it. Are you willing to arrange your life so that you have as much energy as you need to work and participate in family relationships?
34. Expectations. Many of my clients expect certain things and raise hell when disappointed. It is not appropriate for any adult to have expectations of another without the other person’s agreement. It’s important for a couple to negotiate expectations in the marriage. You will find many subjects to address as far as that goes right here on this list. Go over it, and mutually agree on what you can. You may not get everything you desire, and if you don’t, you must take care yourself as you would a child who is let down.
35. Loyalty. Potentially more important than anything else on this list, do you have one another’s back? If someone speaks ill of your love, will you correct them? Will you protect them from your family if your family steps on toes? Will you drop what you’re doing to be there for them if something major befalls? This is one of the biggest bond builders, and knowing your love is solidly in your corner come what may is one of the best feelings there is. Make sure your partner has it.
36. Friendship. Would you still want to know and be close friends with your partner if they were a different gender? If your attraction is mainly physical, you’re putting your eggs in the wrong basket. It is friendship and the enjoyment of each other’s company that will carry you through to the finish line. All we need is a fondness that feels comfortable, warm, and fuzzy, that no one else but your partner can provide.
37. Power differentials. Age, beauty, money, education, culture, religion, social background … all these dynamics have power. Marriage therapists know that the wider apart a couple is in power differentials, the more likely the relationship will falter. For example, you are young, they are old; you come from money, they’ve always been poor. You are beautiful, them not so much. He has a doctorate; you have a GED. You are Asian, they are African American. Any sort of discrepancies, differences in each person, will weigh against the relationship over the long term. Not always or in every case, but it should be considered.
38. Work of marriage. Most people have heard that marriage is work, but they don’t know what that means. It means time, thoughtfulness, self-control, and sacrifice. The book The Five Love Languages (2) is the best book to explain what this means. Physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and gifts. Find out your partner’s love languages and practice them daily. Yes, I said daily.
39. Sensibilities. Some people are picky and bothered by a lot of things, and others are extremely tolerant of people and their environment. Which do you think is easiest to live with?
40. Social media. I can’t tell you how many clients complain about their spouse being addicted to their phone, tablet, and social media. And the video games! The question is, how much does your partner do it, and are they able to set these things aside and be there when you need them? If it’s a problem now, I’d take whether they are the person for you under serious consideration.
41. Debt. My husband teasingly causes Amazon deliveries bankruptcy boxes. That’s funny, but credit cards and financial infidelity are a tremendous issue in marriages, and whether you plan to share cards or have one of your own, will you be transparent with how much unsecured debt you carry? Some spouses want zero credit card debt, would you be on board with that? What’s your philosophy of spending now, paying later?
42. Vacations. Yes, some couples argue about vacations. Whether to take them, when to take them, how frugal, how fancy? Beach? Snow? The Grand Canyon? Burning Man? Others are homebodies and would prefer never to travel at all. Does your partner have any fears or phobias that prevent them from wanting to travel? What are your ideas and dreams about how family vacation time should be spent?
43. Vax or no vax? This may have to do with politics, but I have seen a couple who separated because one spouse wouldn’t wear a mask or get vaccinated during the pandemic, and the wife found it so disrespectful that she kicked her husband out. How would you handle such a situation? If you are against vaccinations, can you accept your spouse having a different opinion? Can you respect your partner’s decisions when they are different from yours?
44. Fighting style. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling are predictors of divorce. In marriages that happily last the long term, the couples tend to laugh things off. Most couples I see are in the first category. I teach couples daily how to settle arguments calmly and respectfully, and how to get to the point where they can laugh things off. It’s a learned skill and you must pay a trauma therapist to teach you how. Knowing what I know, I would insist on that.
45. Boundaries. Adults have free will to live as they chose, and no one has the right to control them. That’s why I want you to understand that your marriage partner comes, as is. Marriage will involve negotiation, compromise, and sometimes sacrifice. If you have met someone who is controlling and have to have things a certain way, then you need to think long and hard about how that’s going to feel day after day, year after year. We all have the right to make reasonable and respectful requests of our spouses, but they have the right to say no. Also, boundaries include restraining and editing yourself, with friends and family. Is your partner good at that? Do they hold things inside and resent? If so, think again, my friend.

Marriage is tough, and though most of us promise to remain through good times and bad, not everyone really means it. I think you ought to select a mate who does. To me, the difference between marrying a man or woman, or boy or girl, is obvious. One is solid, the other is not. Choose a mate who is solid. Almost all couples who remain married go through droughts and blizzards, and occasionally white-knuckle it. In our throw-away culture, remember this.

The other thing to make note of is, marriage is supposed to enhance your life, not drag you down. If you’re satisfied with the answers to the discussions provided above, and the person you are considering follows up their talk by doing the walk, then, yeah, maybe you have a keeper. In the end, you need certainty that your life will be so much better with this person in it, so much so that you can look yourself in the mirror and say, “Pat, you’re crazy if you don’t marry this person.” The best way to make such a decision is to date a long time, a minimum of 2.5 years, see your partner in every situation. See if they are best friend material and show time and again they have your best interest at heart. Marriage lasts a long, long, long, long time, and by being willing to walk away if the match isn’t right, having an ability to be alone until the right person comes along, then you may well have set yourself up to be rewarded with a relationship that is marriage worthy. At the end of the day, it’s self-care.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas*, and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager® . Sh would love your support with a follow! She has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages, and is also co-host of the Call Your Mother relationship show on You Tube, and has a private practice in Little Rock, Arkansas, and as a life coach via teletherapy. To contact her check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com.

*For licensure verification check Becky Whetstone Cheairs.

(1) https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2021/10/05/rising-share-of-u-s-adults-are-living-without-a-spouse-or-partner/pst_10-05-21_unpartnered_adults-0-5/

(2) Chapman, G. D. (2010). The five love languages. Walker Large Print.