What Creates A Relationship That Will Last the Long-Term?

Every Marriage and Family Therapist is familiar with Dr. John Gottman’s theory of the Sound Relationship House, the seven things that fortify a relationship and make a marriage strong. Gottman has done so much research on what makes great marriages and what predicts divorce, by studying, testing and interviewing thousands of couples over many decades, that therapists know it’s extremely worthwhile and teach it to clients routinely.

When it comes to questions a person should be able to answer about their partner before getting married, it’s wise to look at the foundation issue of the Sound Marital House, which Gottman calls, Building Love Maps. This involves being curious and knowledgeable about the history, hopes, desires and interests of your partner. I often tell clients that if you’re successful at building love maps, you would be able to take a multiple-choice test about your partner’s life, hopes and dreams, and you’d get a high score. The way we get there is by being curious, asking questions, listening and absorbing. If you’re truly interested in who your partner is and where they’ve been and where they want to go, this should not be difficult.

We date a person to figure out if they are right for us, but a relationship won’t have legs to weather storms until the couple solidly bonds over time. The bonds will be the healthy foundation on which the relationship stands. Bonds are built by building love maps through many conversations and experiences together. These conversations and experiences lead to mutual admiration and affection. Now we have enough stock in the relationship to be able to weather the inevitable bumps and potholes that come with long term relationships. Once the foundation is formed and the bonds built, you must continue building love maps as people will change and grow in a multitude of ways.

I do have to mention difficulties you may encounter, however. I have always been a curious and interested person, and when I started dating my children’s dad years ago, I’d ask him about his life, past girlfriends, what life was like on his dad’s farm, “Hey, what was your former stepmother like?” His response: “I don’t want to talk about it.” He avoided any conversation about his life for all the years we were together, and what I did learn his sister told me. I was not a therapist then, and I wrote it off as, “He must be a private person,” and I respected that.

I wasn’t a counselor then, but if I was, I would have seen his closed-off behavior as a huge red flag. I would have known this is a man who won’t let me know who he is, who only reveals the parts of himself he chooses for me to see. There will not be emotional intimacy and deep connection because he won’t allow it. Although in the beginning of the relationship he took his wall down long enough for me to fall in love, he soon slammed the door shut and would never open it again. I had been seduced into the relationship, then left standing by myself. This pattern is not unusual in relationships.

These sorts of experiences are how we learn about life and people, and I learned a lot from that. Our eventual divorce led me to seek answers about what went wrong, what does a healthy relationship look like, because I never wanted to go through an experience like that again. That is how I ended up becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist, so all that experience and education has taught me that what Gottman writes about is true and worth knowing. It also helped me to understand what needed to be present if I was ever to have a healthy relationship.

I do have a healthy relationship today, and this knowledge is a vital part of that. If I was back in the dating scene the things I’d need to know before committing for a life-long relationship would be:

* If you become disillusioned with our relationship and the feeling lingers, will you tell speak up so we can address it right away?
* If we get into trouble we can’t resolve, will you go with me to get professional help?
* Will you work hard to bring your best self to the marriage?
* Will you be open and transparent to me, and show up as your true self?
* Will you be my best friend, and put our relationship first, above your biological family and our children?
* Will you be loyal and dependable? Will you be there for me?
* Will you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, learn my Love Languages and fill my needs in these areas on an ongoing basis?
* Will you be balanced in the time you spend on your career, hobbies, family, friends, making sure that our relationship has been fed and nourished as a priority before filling up free time with other interests?

This list may be eye-opening and seem like a lot, and it’s meant to be. We often hear that having a good marriage takes a lot of work, and these things are part of the work that is involved. Work is a verb and implies action. Good marriages take lots of action. As I go down the list, I am also keeping in mind the things couples who come see me complain about. They wouldn’t have most of these complaints if they were working on these very important areas in the relationship. The bottom line is, marriage is for big boys and girls, who are able to stay aware, mindful and tuned in to themselves and their partners. When there’s an issue, they take care of it immediately.

Traveling with your partner for the first time.

While being your authentic self and showing up as the real you in relationships is the only way to find true contentment, that does not mean we get carte blanche to be unfiltered, self-centered and obnoxious. Why? Because if you want to have a healthy and thriving relationship while also being you, you have to practice a certain amount of relationship etiquette in order to get along and keep people in your life.

In the early stages of a relationship, we tread on fragile ground because the new duo hasn’t developed enough of a history of positive experiences, or legs, to weather a lot of mess ups. Most of us know this intuitively, and present our best selves in the beginning, and that is as it should be. Just make sure when you do this, your best self presents what you really think, feel and believe, presented gently, and considerately.

Ultimately new relationships will be tested, like when we travel together for the first time. I can’t count the times I have heard my single clients in budding relationships say something like, “Well, we’re going on our first trip this week, so we’ll see how that turns out.” Yes, traveling together is likely to present a microcosm of who the person really is — if they aren’t patient or if they’re moody or a slob, you’ll see it.

So, if you’re planning a trip with your new love and don’t want to blow it, here are some helpful tips:

1. Go with a humble attitude. When I think of humility in relationships, I think of a “What can I do for you?” attitude, as opposed to the “What can you do for me?” stance. If you really care about the person you are with, you really should desire to do all you can do to accommodate them and see that their needs are met. P.S. This is a stance that should be maintained throughout the relationship, whether traveling or not.
2. Go with the flow. If you want to wake at the crack of dawn and get going on a packed agenda and your partner wants to sleep in and take it easy, then be OK with you doing your thing, and them doing theirs while weaving in time together when it works. The worst thing you can do is negatively judge or scrutinize your new love because they aren’t like you. Relaxing and sleeping or packed agendas are just preferences and should not be viewed as bad things.
3. Forget about relationship mathematics. If you’re the type that sits around and counts how many accommodations you’ve made for your partner compared to how many they’ve made for you, and concluded that you are on the short end of the stick, forget about seething in resentment. Instead, adopt that servant’s attitude (See #1) and be happy that you could be such generous and loving partner. If you really need your partner to do more for you, simply ask them, gently and respectively, like, “Honey, may I make a request? Can we not go to that restaurant you picked tonight and just grab a sandwich somewhere? I’m kind of burned out on the big meals.” Think: Requests — not complaints or criticism.
4. Be aware of yourself. If you know you are a slob, be mindful of how that will affect another person’s sensibilities. Pay attention to your suitcase, your toiletries … don’t hog the counter, closet or floor space. Make sure you leave plenty of areas clear and clean for your partner. Wipe the counter after you make your mess, don’t leave gross things hanging around. And for those that are anal retentive and feel horror when one little thing is out of place, forget the idea that others will ever meet your standards. If you really need it to be a certain way, have a sense of humor about it, and make it that way so long as it’s OK with your partner, without resentment.
5. Control your mood. Yes, moods can be controlled most of the time. If you tend to have dark or stormy moods, just say it: “I am in a dark or stormy mood-mode. Please forgive me.” Then do everything in your power to return your best self back to the relationship — as soon as you can! In my own life, I give myself an hour. What you must not do is let it drag on for many hours or days.
6. Do not expect your partner to mind read. So many partners tell me their love “should know” what they need, and this is simply ridiculous. We have to train our loves how to love us by telling them what makes our heart sing. Over time, they catch on and become more intuitive, but in the beginning, you really need to spell out in detail what makes you feel loved and cared about, or if you have a want or need.

Couple’s therapists often use the term, “Being Relational.” Being relational means you are a person who knows how to bring your best self to a relationship consistently, who can speak up about their wants and needs respectfully, can receive requests and corrections gracefully, and who maintains an atmosphere of solidness and safety when it comes to commitment and communication, such as; “You can count on me to accept who you really are without fear of contempt or criticism.” This will free you up to be the real you. That’s how solid relationships are built.