Fear of losing the guy syndrome: Should I have sex if I am really not ready to?

A blog reader recently sent me this:

“I read about your Rules for Romantic Self-Protection advice on your web site’s section for singles, and one of the rules was; “No sex before commitment is mutually expressed”.

When I express this concept to guys I’m dating, they often say “Sex is a very important part in a relationship. And I can’t give you the commitment of a relationship unless I know I am sexually compatible with my partner.”

When I explained that waiting gives us more time to build up love and respect, they say, “I have so much respect for you, and I do not calculate or keep track of when, how soon, or how many dates it takes for you to have sex with me, and then use that to measure how much respect I have for you. Women do that. That is just not how men think”.

I don’t know what to think or do this situation. I feel like if I don’t give in, then I am halting the relationship to go any further.”

Signed, Anonymous

Here is what I said:

Dear Anonymous,

Let’s discuss the subject of having sexual intercourse with a man early in a relationship, and my six concepts that go along with that:

1. Stick to your boundaries. Ask yourself, what do I want to do? If you are not ready for sex for whatever reason, don’t do it. When being true to yourself, use yourself and your feelings as the compass, not what other people want. If a man won’t respect your sexual boundary (I intentionally use the word won’t instead of can’t), then what he is telling you is: My sex life is more important than the sexual boundary you have set for yourself.” That is a huge red flag, my dear. A man who truly respects and cares about you as the human being you are, as opposed to a sexual object he would like to conquer, will do whatever it takes to win a commitment of steady dating from you. Don’t allow yourself to be pushed or pressured.

2. Dating is no big deal. A dating commitment that designates romantic exclusivity does not mean we will marry that person, so dating someone for a while is not the big deal some women seem to make of it. All it means is — let ‘s test drive us for a bit to see if we are compatible. Sex can come sooner, later or never in that scenario, it’s your decision. If a man is serious about you, he will allow you to set your own rhythm and pace in the relationship.

3. Be in your power in relationships. When you say, “I feel like if I don’t give in, then I am halting the relationship to go any further,” it tells me that you do not value yourself, as you are considering betraying you so that a man can have his sex in the timeframe he wants it, and with most men, that timeframe is very short. I have news for you, women are the power in the relationship, we are the ones who decide if it will proceed. Without us, there is no relationship. No need to change for, or sell yourself to, a man. Just be you, be out there, and you will meet men who will desire you without having to bend and morph into who they want you to be. I would much rather you adopt an attitude of, “Hey men, sell yourself to me. Show me what you have that I want.” Let him prove to you that he is worthy of having you in his life.

4. Men will mislead. I have had hundreds if not thousands of single men in my office over the years, and you know what they have told me? That they are dirty dogs!!! They have told me that they will say or do anything for sex, especially on the front end of a relationship when they are not emotionally involved. They have also told me that if women knew how filthy they are with their thoughts and desires, they wouldn’t have anything to do with men. They literally clean themselves up behaviorally in order to attain a woman. (When I read this answer to my husband, he nodded his head in agreement.)

5. Create a policy for yourself to be healthy in dating relationships. The reason I wrote the Rules for Romantic Self-Protection back in 1996 was because of my many dating failures. I kept getting dumped, shed many tears, and decided I needed a game plan to stay healthy while dating. Upon analysis of my relationship patterns, I found that if I had sex with a man too soon, before the relationship had legs, I would get emotionally involved, connect, and start forming a bond. Then, when he decided it was a no-go it would take me three months to recover from it. To avoid needless emotional turmoil, I decided that it was not wise for me to have sex until I knew for sure that we’d be seeing each other for a while. If you are the type that gets attached when you have sexual intercourse, then you might want to wait to have sex with people who are solid and respectful, and who won’t disappear the next day. This is emotional and sexual self-care. Take a look at your patterns, figure out what doesn’t work, and fix it.

6. The Law of Most Effort. In 1997 I interviewed Men are from Mars guru, John Gray about being single, and what he said helped a lot in the development of my stance on women, sex, and dating. He had just released a book for singles in 1997 called, “Venus and Mars on a Date,” and explained that if women give men sex without having to do much work for it, such as very little romance and wooing and time put in to attaining her affection, then the woman is teaching him that he will also have to put in little effort in the relationship overall. “If a man has to earn his way into a woman’s heart and bed, then he will know he has to work to keep the woman in his life,” he said. I found that to be profound.

I hope answering this question helped Ms. Anonymous. Where there is a woman asking a question like that, there are millions more just like her, who believe that they must go outside their value system and do things they don’t really want to do in order to have a relationship, and to that, I say, hell no. In our culture, too many women do not use their immense power to attract and orchestrate the type of relationship they long for — one where the man adores and respects her and makes her a priority, just the way she is.

It may be your fault that your life and relationships aren’t working.

Although we all do our best to live in a world of equality and hearing both sides of a story before making a conclusion, as a couple’s therapist I have a very important announcement to make: Sometimes, after hearing all the complaints and experiencing how each person operates with my own eyes and ears, I can say that the cause of marital problems are sometimes, OK often, not equally divided between the two spouses. Indeed, sometimes it is primarily one person who causes the vast majority of issues in the relationship.

So there, I said it. Sometimes it is primarily one person’s fault for a relationship not working. (Note: I did not say all the time). But I also know that the person who I pinpoint as the dysfunctional one will fight to the death to not be seen as such. This is why we marriage therapists earn what we are paid. We wrestle alligators, we get slammed, and people call us names we wouldn’t want our family to hear.

When couples come in, I do my best to try and figure out what is going on that creates the dysfunction. My thoughts are a blank slate. Usually, the two people are nervous, and especially fearful that I will blame them — husbands seem especially concerned about this one.

So, I proceed into the sensitive waters of their marital story to try and get to the bottom of what’s not working, and many times, I quickly hit a roadblock: One person is so afraid of being seen as the only one to blame that he can’t even bear for me to ask him questions.

“Why are you focusing on me?” Bob says.

“Because I am curious about some things, and I am trying to get clarity and understanding so I can help you,” I say.

“Why aren’t you talking to my wife? It seems like you think I am the main problem, here.”

Bam! “Here we go”, I am thinking as I sense what I need to know is on display before me. I feel like a fisherman with a nibble on his line.

“Because I can’t question or talk to both of you at the same time. I have to talk to one, then the other. What makes you think I believe you are the main one to blame?”

“Because you’re focusing on me.”

Right. That little interaction has told me several things that will be helpful moving along:

1. His reality is off. He makes up negative meanings where I meant nothing negative.

2. He is extremely sensitive to the possibility of being seen as wrong or bad.

3. His self-esteem is very low. He takes things personally.

4. He is defensive as way to protect himself from harm.

This is not to say that I won’t hit dysfunctional gold when I speak with the other spouse, I might, and if I do I will have a messy cocktail on my hands. But so many times it is that one person who is so difficult to have a conversation with that I have to believe my personal experience with them is a microcosm for how they are with others. You can’t have a two-way, back-and-forth conversation with someone whose alarm bells of threat start going off the minute you ask them the first or second question. It prevents relationship, period.

The cliché “You can’t have a healthy relationship with others until you have one with yourself,” is true, and should not really be thrown aside as just a cliché. It is so important, in fact, that it is the point I make to couples very early in the process of marital therapy: You have to get healthy and confident about who you are, so you can have a back-and-forth, give-and-take relationship with someone else. Without that, it is not possible. And the really bad news is, a huge portion of our population do not feel that way about themselves.

So, what to do? I really feel that these sorts of things — how to converse in a healthy way with other human beings, how to have a good relationship with yourself — need to be taught starting in elementary school and continue all the way through high school. We teach so many subjects during these years that will be of no use, so why not prioritize something that could change family functioning and the world for years to come?

It takes courage to face the ugly or dysfunctional things about us as individuals that need to be faced. We need to start a cultural conversation that speaks to the fact that doing this is a sign of strength, not weakness, and that if your life or relationship is not working, it is best to look in the mirror instead of pointing to others as the cause.

I started off in life with what might have been the lowest self-esteem ever recorded, and through education, counseling, and diligent determination to not be unhealthy I turned myself into a confident woman who has a very good, compassionate relationship with herself. I have learned how to be relational with others, and it has changed everything. If I can do this, I truly believe anyone can, but therapy is expensive and so many people will never have access to it. If I couldn’t have afforded it, I would still be that dysfunctional, floundering woman I once was. That is why we need a better plan to provide this information to everyone, for free.

Before I married a man who would become a Democratic United States Congressman in 1998, (from Texas’s 20th Congressional District), I only knew about the United States House of Representatives what I’d learned in eighth grade civics class. When we got to Washington in January 1999, the Republican impeachment managers were trying to bring down Bill Clinton, though before that Democrats and Republicans had been locked in a bitter divide over other things. Ever hopeful that one day we would all be able to get along, I quickly learned why that could never be.

In our first weeks there, we both went to orientations for incoming congressmen and their families, where we learned all the ethical rules, the dos and don’ts, tips on how to manage two households and how to get the absolute cheapest airline tickets without breaking any rules. We traveled to the John F. Kennedy School of Government in Boston to be schooled in issues of the day, and about a year later, we went on a Bipartisan Congressional Retreat hosted every non-election year by the Congressional Institute, a nonprofit organization created in 1987 to encourage members of Congress to discuss issues in a civil manner. Who wouldn’t want to go on an almost all-expenses paid luxury vacation with your kids, be protected the entire time by Capitol Police in a Hotel Resort that had been blockaded by police so the public and press could not get in. We were in Hershey, Pennsylvania, and our kids got to run the halls of the entire place in total safety. Young, dynamic college kids were watching after them, there was free candy piled everywhere and so many entertaining things for them to do – pinball and arcade games, karaoke booths, sports competitions … that my son exclaimed, “This is the most fun I have ever had in my life!”

While the kids played, what did the adults do? We were hauled off to do group therapy with members of the other party. There were about 10 democrats and 10 republicans and their spouses sitting in a circle in each room. We were given the rules of engagement for the conversations, and then a facilitator brought up the topics. Those topics, by the way, totally ignored the true issues of the day that divided the parties, and stayed on more benign subjects. I just kept thinking, “What a waste of time this is.”

So, within a year of arriving there, I learned that any sort of reconciliation or future compromising behavior would not be in the cards now, or most probably, ever.

Some of the lawmakers in our group had served a long time, and they reported that there was a lot of history of mistreatment by each party to the other over the years. One Republican said he would never forgive the many years of Democratic leadership of the past. In the past 100 years, for example, Democrats have had the majority 65 of those years. “You would never compromise with us, you bullied us, forced unwanted policies down our throats, wouldn’t give us a voice on any issue, and now that we have control you are squealing cry-babies because you’re getting a dose of your own medicine. We know that if we worked with you, that it wouldn’t make a difference in the future. if you ever got control again, you’d go back to being bullies all over again, so forget it.”

Wow, I was stunned. And then the bickering intensified, the facilitator tried to calm everyone down, and nothing meaningful was ever achieved. Spouses sat quietly. It was obvious from the start that the lawmakers didn’t want to be hearing comments from the peanut gallery.

I was thankful for this moment, because I really do think that the republican Congressman explained it all in a nutshell. You treated us badly for years, so now we will, and that is what goes down in the House of Representatives. Exactly like a crazy and dysfunctional family who won’t cooperate on principal, there was too much wounded pride and ego on both sides to just drop the needless standoffs and say, “You know what, we’re hurting America, why don’t we work together for a change?”

Every time there is a new majority in the House, new wounds are piled on top of the old. The immaturity exhibited by each side, the abuse, disrespect, manipulation, have become an endless circle of spoiled brats forcing their wishes on the underdog. It will never end.

I ended up only being in Washington for three years. The Congressman and I got a divorce, and the political adventures ended for me. I did get just enough of a taste to see how it works, to see how fundraising and lobby money spoils the true reason everyone is there, how the leadership of each party tells their little minions (the Congressional flock) what to do, and if they don’t do it, they’ll run people against them in the primary. I saw what a ridiculous and hopeless system it is altogether.

After this, I went to graduate school, studied Marriage and Family Therapy, and learned how to read and analyze families, their communications, and then to teach them how to do it in a healthier way. I realized in this process that not only is the House of Representatives behaving in a dysfunctional and immature way, so is the United States in dealing with other countries, as are many people and institutions we rely on in our world. What would be a solution to change the negative patterns, and have a Congress that can communicate and compromise in a healthy way?

The only solution I see is to vote every single one of them out so that there is no past history or bad blood, bring in new strategies for party leadership that are not dictator-like and punitive when the lawmakers don’t “go along.” Allow members to be who they are, and fight for what they believe in, regardless of what party leaders say or want. Is it a pipe dream? Maybe, but I keep telling myself that if the families I work with can do it, so can our lawmakers.

Congressional fighting has been going on forever, and probably always will.