relationships Archives

Becky Whetstone December 8, 2019

Your family is nuts and you still visit during the holidays?

Here’s how to manage, obnoxious, unkind, unfair and disrespectful kin.

by Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC

As the season for family get togethers approaches, numerous clients reach out to their therapists for an inoculation of protection, meant to shield them from the verbal and emotional land mines they will encounter when stepping into their extended family zones. A therapist can assure a client that if it isn’t safe, for whatever reason, it is perfectly OK not to go at all, but few back away and insist on running into the burning house anyway.

“I will never hear the end of it if I don’t go,” they insist. “And I can’t see the relatives I do like without seeing the ones I don’t.

Excellent boundaries will take care of all of it, but only a small percentage of clients practice them. Instead, justifications for electing to endure holiday family torture are many. People go, and what happens inside will most likely be as it usually is, a bombardment of unwanted questions, comments, actions and judgments that send the visitor’s autonomic nervous system on high alert. Here’s a few of the most common scenarios, and what to do about them:

1. Problem: Parents of adult children deem that everything their child does is their business and theirs to comment on, critique, control and correct. All advice is binding and if it isn’t taken, they will punish said child with a negative outcome such as the silent treatment, open disapproval, threat of disinheritance or criticism.

Healthy reality: Parents of adult children should stay out of a grown child’s business unless requested to enter into it. The only healthy stance for parents of adults is to love, accept, support, cheerlead and stand by as a wise consultant if asked. Here is how the math works when it goes the other way — the more the elder parents meddle, the more their adult child will dread seeing them, and the more the concept of estrangement becomes likely.

Appropriate Response: Let your family know that you are grown up now and therefore it is inappropriate to offer unsolicited advice. Request that they not offer up observations or critiques unless asked. If they don’t respect that request, it’s time to minimize the time you spend with them. Then, when they complain that they don’t see you as often, tell them it is because they did not respect your boundary. When it comes to inheritance, don’t sell yourself out to get family money. Live and prepare as if you will never get anything, as many families blow their fortunes or don’t leave what you think they will. Adopt a stance of, “If I get some money or property, great, but I’m not going to lose myself to get it.” Banking on inheritance and allowing abuse because of it is terrible self-care.

2. Problem: Adult child arrives with a friend, partner, spouse or child, and certain family members engage in a cruel form of entertainment by telling shameful and embarrassing stories from the family repertoire about the adult child, who played the starring role in a wide array of foolish debacles best forgotten. The family may laugh, but the embarrassed adult feels exposed and violated, because they are.

Healthy reality: Families should never tell stories about other family members when the theme is not uplifting, loving and/or kind. Throwing such a person under the story-telling bus is verbal and emotional abuse, and a form of bullying. If you even think of doing such a thing, ask your family member’s permission to tell the story first, in private, and if they say no, don’t do it.

Response: If your family is not diplomatic and political, meaning they are not kind and don’t consider the long-term ramifications of their actions, and they choose to abuse and control you, there is only one solution, spend your holidays elsewhere. If that is too harsh, you can first tell them if they ever do something like that again you will disappear for a very long time, then if they repeat the shaming stories, do that.

3. Problem: “They like other family members better than me.” Mom forms an alliance with her grown daughter against her second daughter, etc.

Healthy reality: I hear about this one every year, always from the excluded person. Most of us favor one parent over another, or one sibling or child over another, and that is just being human. The fact is some people are more likable or have more interests in common with us than others. Healthy people don’t make their preferences obvious in the interest of family well-being and harmony. In dysfunctional families, especially ones where at least one parent is a narcissist, there will be a golden child, and a black sheep or neglected child. They make it blatantly obvious which child is which, and they will rally gangs of family members to try and negatively control the errant sheep, a concept beloved by narcissists known as Divide and Conquer.

Response: Don’t give in to the attempts to control. These people are not trainable, it is what it is, and if it happens to you find people who treat you as the precious human you are.

4. Problem: Grandparents undermine young parents with the grandchildren.

Healthy reality. Young families are the rulers of their own domain, and the beliefs and values they follow are the law in their family unit, so young families get to choose how they raise their children. Grandparents in functional families respect these values and have conversations with their children about what boundaries they should follow regarding visits, roles, indulgences, and what they share.

Response: If you haven’t set clear understandings and boundaries with your parents about what you need regarding their relationship with your children, don’t delay in doing it. Each spouse should be the one who does this with their own parents. Breaches of these values or rules moving forward should be pointed out, and requests to respect them reiterated. If Grandparents don’t respect the young family’s wishes, it should not be ignored. Instead, a harsh reprimand and warning of losing access to the grandchildren should be put on the table. If they continue to do as they choose, minimize access or cut them off. Note: It is perfectly healthy and normal to allow some Grandparent indulgence and rule-breaking, that is part of the fun of Grandparents, but you get a say in what that is. For example: No TV at your house, but the kids can watch a couple of shows when with your parents.

One thing that is vitally important is to understand how important it is to speak out when someone crosses the line, whether family, friend, or co-worker. So many people feel the emotional pain of being breached, the raising of the heart rate and rising steam, but end up absorbing the negative energy and saying nothing. This is extremely damaging. Our souls need us to say something, to have a voice. This will allow us to discharge the negative energy of the moment instead of absorbing and storing it. This does not mean being unkind, disrespectful, or going on the attack, it means a calm response, like, “Wow, I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “That really hurts when you say or do things like that,” or “I wish you would respect my wishes.” If you find it difficult to do it in the moment, your soul will be OK with a response later, but make sure you do it. This is excellent self-care.

Filed Under: Blog, marriage advice, mental health, relationships Tagged: advice, control, family, holidays, relationships, self care

Becky Whetstone September 22, 2019

Why The Words Selfless and Selfish Need to be Removed from the English Language.

When you give to others without giving to yourself you will suffer.

They discourage self care and keep us from thriving.

The American culture has dysfunctional beliefs and values that affect and injure us all, and two that have especially limited people’s ability to thrive are the toxin-packed adjectives selfless and selfish. Our society perpetuates the idea that individuals of highest character are those who are selfless, doing absolutely nothing for themselves, and the lowest form, the selfish, because they do. Another word that can go away while we’re at it, is deserve.

As a therapist I see depressed, anxious, depleted clients every day. They weave stories of choices and decisions using terms like:

“This is going to sound really selfish, but I …”, or,

“I know I should just do X, but that’d be selfish/greedy (or put any guilt-provoking term here).”

To get a client to believe that doing for yourself, even being generous to yourself, and saying no to things you would really prefer not doing, is not selfish, but actually healthy and necessary self-care, is one of the steepest hills we’ll climb. Far too many people just won’t buy it because it has been drilled into their heads by numerous sources over many years that it’s wrong to do things just for you, and right to do all you can for others.

The brain-washing messages stream in from family, friends, religion, schools, the media … you should only get things you absolutely need, be pragmatic. Nothing indulgent for you unless you’ve toiled, suffered, sacrificed. “Oh, you took a vacation to Tahiti? Well, you worked so hard last semester with school, community service, nursing a sick family member, and a full time job, you deserve it.”

We’ve learned not to share news of good fortune and self-generosity unless we first mention the suffering that made us worthy of it.

Well, I have news for you — we all deserve trips to Tahiti whether we lift a finger or not, but society says it is pure narcissism, entitlement and self-indulgence to be wonderful to you unless you’ve earned a reward. We are told it is better to give than receive, and when you die, the goal is to be described by all who knew you as a selfless, sacrificing person who has earned an eternal break in heaven.

Emphatically, with all of the passion I can muster, I tell you that those ideas are hideously wrong and misguided. We all “deserve” everything good and wonderful, all the time.

The “suffer for others and give, but never receive” model is a guaranteed recipe for suffering. Self-care, my friends, is the most important thing any person can do, period. Nourishing yourself in mind, body and spirit is the only healthy way to live, keeping yourself filled with the things that bring you joy, pleasure and contentment. This will keep your emotional bank account in the black, leaving you energized and excited about life, and only then will you be able to bring your best self to others, in a moderate balance of playing, sitting, working, pondering, breathing — yes, help others if you can and really want to, then relax and nourish yourself again.

We have to teach ourselves that we were born to want and need things, it’s our nature, and it is OK and innate to want and need things when we’re grown. My rule of thumb is I can do whatever I want so long as it is respectful to myself and my marriage. I tell my clients how I traded in a perfectly good car recently for a tripped-out Jeep that features an electric fold-back roof. This new car makes my heart sing. I did not need the Jeep, I wanted it. It cost a lot, I could afford it and do not need to justify the purchase to anyone. People that attempt to rain on my Jeep parade get met with a, “I love it and it brings me joy,” and that’s all I have to say about it. This concept amazes most, and it’s not the only generous thing I’ll do for myself this year and in the future.

My self-care regime is so good that I end up running around with a sparkle in my eye and bounce in my step, all the result of being so good to myself. I exercise and feed myself healthy foods, that I cook, and my soul loves it. I say no to things that would take my peace away, unless it’s unavoidable like taxes and dental visits. My clients, on the other hand, are miserable because they are trying to be everything to everyone else, and nothing to themselves. They have become human pack mules carrying an impossible load, and give themselves the crumbs of life if there are any left. They don’t get physical checkups often if ever, and they throw filler-filled foods and snacks into their bodies, and quite a few drink, smoke or medicate their miseries away. When family and friend’s expectations and requests come in, they will be there, even if it’s a pain in the backside, they have to drop what they were doing, or costs them financially. They’ll do it even when tired and emotionally spent. Their friends and families know they can count on these people in this way and will take advantage of them and their inability and unwillingness to say no.

What the selfless are not telling you, but they tell me, is they took a day off of work where they are self-employed getting paid per client to accommodate you, then did not make enough to pay all their bills last month. You weren’t the only person they did that for. And why?

“I don’t want to disappoint anyone, people give me grief if I don’t do what they want or need me to do. They say things that make me feel guilty. It’s easier to just do the stuff and be broke and exhausted.”

Do they resent doing all of these things? Absolutely.

One client who couldn’t pay her bills because she was so dedicated to being there for people was told by me that this was her choice to manage her life this way, completely her fault, and not the fault of the people who ask and expect. People can ask for and expect lots of things from me, but they won’t get anything unless I agree, and I won’t agree if it is not healthy for me. Setting boundaries like I do for myself is a crucial part of self care, obviously, but my clients will say that saying no to anyone whether the person is demanding, needing, or wanting is mean, which is another dysfunctional concept that needs to be expunged from our thought processes. The fact is, other adults who can and should be handling their problems need to be, and we need not feel badly about saying no to anyone who is capable of taking care of things themselves.

The people in our lives who would use and abuse us know and use the words and phrases that will feel like a knife to the heart, and every therapist knows that a narcissist will always protest and squeal when their loved ones first set boundaries, but to be healthy and thrive we must do it.

So are there people who are self-oriented to the point of excluding everything and everyone else? Yes! They are probably the ones asking you to do things for them all the time. Enabling them perpetuates it, so just stop.

So, who do we call to expunge the words selfish, selfless and deserve from our language? I don’t know, but in my office it starts by calling my clients out every time they say them, forbidding them to utter them in my office, and talking about this subject in social and formal conversations whenever I can. My guess is that dedicating yourself to not using them will feel like the removal of handcuffs, and I can’t think of a better way to begin the practice of self care.