If you read my work on divorce, you already know that I discourage individuals from considering a new life and relationship with someone who has small or young children and shared child custody with their ex. Life and marriage with a new partner are hard enough without adding a spouse’s ex and children, who probably want little or nothing to do with you. Still, evidence shows that few people listen to me and go ahead and dive head first into blending a family, telling themselves the lie that it will be a love fest complete with rainbows and butterflies, but stepfamily fantasies are just that, fantasies. Now that you’re in it, you find yourself dealing with an uncooperative, unreliable, nasty, vindictive, toxic ex, and you want me to tell you what to do about it. Other than to say, “I told you not to do it,” I will do my best to help you navigate the land mines that co-parenting and remarriage almost always bring.

If your relationship began as an affair …

If you are now married to a person you had an affair with, dealing with the ex and parent of your stepchildren will likely be a hellacious experience loaded with negative feelings. Even the most mature and healthy former partner will likely view you with contempt, and justifiably so. Yes, your new partner is equally guilty, but they won’t receive one-tenth of the ire you will; that’s human nature. The bottom line is there is no fairness to be found when perceived as a home wrecker. Are you mature enough to face the harsh judgment that comes from having a romance with a married person? Is your love for your new partner and their children worth the possible verbal and emotional abuse you will likely face from a bitter ex wife or husband, mutual friends, family? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t condone nasty behavior between humans, but as I said, people don’t often take my relationship counsel to heart. In the end, people do what they want based on their own mental and emotional development at that point in time. I can only make you see or do something if you are ready to receive it. Just like a pastor on Sunday mornings, I preach healthy behavior and look to inspire people to raise the level of their interactions, and then the congregation goes home and sweeps the things I said under the rug or uses bits and pieces of the message, and often only for a few days.

The only way to handle your situation is to accept your position as a villain or bad guy to the ex, not fight it, facing it with humility. In other words, take ownership of your part in breaking apart a family with children and the raw and bitter feelings that those who were negatively affected by it likely feel. You don’t need to explain or defend your actions, like cough medicine; it wouldn’t go down well. If you choose to face the judgment with a nasty attitude and protect your fragile ego with snarky 14-year-old behaviors, then you will underline and bold what the ex already believes about you, that you are a heartless, self-centered person worth holding in contempt. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not; the ex will think it is, and this will poison interactions with you until the end of time. Turn to your empathy here, realizing that even though the couple may have had a terrible marriage that should have ended, and this person is simply a jealous ex-wife or husband, you will be forever known as the person who broke up a family. The best way to handle it is not to run from it. Don’t defend or justify; just take ownership of the idea, “I did something that was wrong,” and leave it at that.

If you met your spouse after their divorce …

If you were not part of an affair, you might have an easier time, but that does not mean it will be an easy time. Think of it this way: there was an original family unit with two parents and their children. You are the new kid in town, the square cog that faces long-established round holes. Your arrival will take getting used to, which will take a long time and may never happen. Ask yourself now what stance you could take in this situation that gives your new relationship a fighting chance and does the most to create an atmosphere of peace among the group. Laying low and standing back might be a smart way to do it.

I remember reading about Hillary Clinton in 2000 when she was elected to the United States Senate. When she arrived, she was one of the most famous women in the world. She had also been America’s First Lady and Arkansas’s First Lady. She had achieved many wonderful things in both of those roles, as well as on her own as a policy influencer, advocate for children, and as a primary breadwinner and lawyer. Imagine had she arrived among some of the most arrogant and powerful people in the world, United States Senators, and had an attitude? What if she had demanded an equal voice and place at the table from day one? Hillary is a politician, if nothing else, and political people consider the long-term ramifications of their actions. She knew the only way she might ever be taken seriously and accepted was to lay low, like a student who needed to learn from more experienced teachers. She might have been smart enough to teach the Senate’s old guard herself, but she knew that was not in anyone’s interest. She sat back, learned, paid her dues, and then earned her seat at the table through hard work and respect for others. This is a good example of how the stepparent should approach their new life as an outsider in a previously formed family. Outsiders must practice diplomacy, earning stripes over time through kindness, respect, and a sincere wish for the newly formed family to succeed. The divorced parent who has great potential to be a thorn in your back side is part of a package deal as a member of your new family, for better or worse.

I have told new stepparents, who cried on my shoulder at the unfairness of it all, that I believe the only stance that works in that role is that of an always loving, agreeable, diplomatic, accepting super-human who never goes low. Go low with angry feelings once in a new blended family, whether with the children or the ex-spouse, and your fate of not being accepted will be sealed. It is an impossible feat at best, but it is what is needed. My children’s dad remarried not long after our divorce, and my stance was that I wanted us to all get along for the sake of the children. I appreciated that now the children were coming home clean and with their hair combed; I saw her positive influence. However, I wanted to interact with my former spouse, not the stepmom when it came to the children. She would only earn my full respect and appreciation if she were kind and generous to my children. She wasn’t always, but her role was impossible at best, and I felt sorry for her in many ways. She did a lot of the work that children require, being driven around, doctor’s appointments, and meals, but she got little of the parental credit. I wouldn’t want that gig. When our son was killed in Afghanistan at age 24 in 2011, only the biological parents were included in the planning and the ceremonial aspects guided by the military, and she had to sit off by herself while we were comforted, honored, and treated with caring and dignity. I’m sure that hurt her very much.

Dealing with the ex.

You can’t control anyone but yourself, so understand that you cannot repair, fix, or change an ex who doesn’t respect you as a member of their extended family. I would hope that you would have seen the ex was difficult before you decided to sign up to be in their family and made your marital decision accordingly. Any way to look at it, you’re in a tough situation. My best advice is to do everything you can for yourself to get through it in one piece. Get professional help, they will give you all the sympathy, empathy, and emotional support you could ever need. Ask your partner to deal with their ex wife or husband directly, and leave you out of it as much as possible. Trouble may lie for you in how you and your new spouse agree or disagree on handling the relationship with the father or mother of their children, and the children themselves. I have seen this one issue take down a couple who loved each other very much. Once again, I encourage you not to count on your spouse handling things in the way you would hope. Look at it from their point-of-view: they are also in a tough situation, riding the line between keeping you happy and trying to have a decent co-parenting relationship with their ex. They also want their children to do well after a very tough family situation. The more you interfere or try to control any of it, the worse things will be. The mental and emotional health of the former couple’s children is at stake. If a spouse has to choose between you and their children because of demands you make, prepare to pack your bags. Even though the saying happy wife, happy life is somewhat true, most parents will not sacrifice their children so their new spouse can be happy. It’s part of the second-class citizenry that comes with the role of stepparent. After divorce, kids must come first over everything else until they are grown. Hopefully, you are patient and can understand your time will come, eventually. Also, hopefully, your spouse will be mindful of how difficult your role is and will put you first when the children aren’t around. Even in this impossible role, you still should have enough love and attention to get you through the tough times.

If your spouse is too accommodating to their ex.

​Most people who divorce still care about each other on some level. A lot of people who remarry understand that physical and emotional boundaries must be put in place once they have a new spouse. There can be no hanging out without your new spouse present, and your spouse should not jump every time their children’s parent beckons. If this is happening in your life, I am so sorry. You can complain to your spouse, but clearly, they are torn between what is best for their children and what is best for you, and guilt may be causing them to engage in all sorts of unhealthy boundaries. You will probably have a hard, if not impossible time, convincing them to do the hard work that boundary setting involves. This is why it is crucial that you visit a family therapist together and let the professional lay out the reasons why what they are doing is not healthy for anyone in the family. It always angers clients when their spouse’s will listen to me, and not listen to them, when we both are saying the same thing, but it’s true that an experienced professional’s opinion often carries more weight. It also helps that the errant spouse knows that the therapist has no skin in the game and simply wants what’s best for the family.

If your spouse refuses to set the boundaries, then you will have problems, indeed. It is situations like these, involving a previous marriage, that account for the 75 percent divorce rate of second marriages.

The Disarming Technique — the way to stop jerks in their tracks.

One of the most profound things I ever learned as a therapist was from psychiatrist Dr. David Burns, who came to Texas to teach a workshop to the Texas Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. He had just written a book full of important things for helping couples called Better Together. Burns is a prolific researcher and adjunct clinical professor Emeritus of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine. To say he is respected in the therapy world would be an understatement. During the workshop, he told us two things that have stuck with me … you cannot do couples therapy unless both parties agree to approach it with an attitude of humility, without pride or being better than, (which literally almost never happens), and two, there is a way to deal with difficult people that works every time he calls the disarming technique.

As far as the humility question, Burns said he asks couples if they could throw their pride and egos out the window in order to do marriage therapy, and if they said no, the session would end right there or they’d talk about something else, like football. Although the story is kind of humorous, it really underscores how relational compromise is impossible to achieve between two people, married or not, if not approached with an attitude of “I am here to listen, learn, grow, and ready to take ownership of my part in what’s not working.” The same is true when you’re dealing with a manipulative ex-wife or husband.

If I haven’t made the point clearly enough, I am asking spouses who are stepparents to approach their spouse’s ex with humility; that is what this whole blog is about. It’s the only thing that works when you have a bone to pick with someone that you can’t remove from your life for whatever reason. For any chance of success, you must be the better person and focus on the removal of your ego, any temptation to have a bad attitude, and a need to be right. Just control your side of it, be respectful, and in time, you might be accepted. You do this for the higher good of all parties. Taking the high road and admitting when you’re wrong all work in your favor in life, trust me.

If your spouse’s ex is a royal pain, the best thing you can do is let your husband or wife deal with them exclusively, as I said above. Don’t complain with how they do it, or judge if they are too nice or too nasty. Let them handle it their way. If you must have direct contact with your spouse’s ex, and they are not always on their best behavior, the Disarming Technique will come in handy. Here’s how it works:

No matter what negative junk the ex-spouse says to you or about you, whether meaning to cause harm or not, you will agree with all or a part of whatever it is they are saying, even if you don’t agree with it. I use it all the time, and think of it as a game. Example: My husband comments that I have a tendency to be messy, I overrule the instinct to be defensive or throw him a tit-for-tat response, and instead say, “Yes, I do have a tendency to be messy. It’s not my favorite thing about myself.” When this happens, the tension that was building toward a confrontation immediately deflates and the whole thing becomes a nothing burger. That’s how it works.

I used it on a rustic walking trail not long after the conference in Texas. Normally, I could take my dogs out there, unleash them, and let them do what dogs do, without ever running into another person over the course of 60 minutes. But one day, I did encounter a gentleman who had his dogs on a leash, and of course, my dogs started barking and being obnoxious. The man raised his eyebrows, his body stiffened, and I could see the whites of his eyes, “You are supposed to have your dogs on a leash!” he said aggressively. “You are breaking the park rules!” The average person would say something nasty back, but I was ready with the disarming technique and wanted to try it out.

“You are right,” I said. “I am breaking the rules, and I will put my dogs on their leashes immediately. I am so sorry that I caused you any distress. Please forgive me.”

As Burns promised, the man disarmed immediately. His body loosened, his face softened, and he smiled and waved. “No problem at all, have a great day!” As Burns said in the workshop, when the person first confronts, they think you’re an asshole, after the disarming technique is implemented, their viewpoint completely changes to a positive one. I love it.

If what I have recommended still doesn’t satisfy you …

​I can hear the voices of clients past saying, “But Becky, she tells everyone she sees that I’m a bitch and a whore. She works to get the children to hate me. How can I get her to stop?” I understand. But there really isn’t anything you can do. If you let her know you hate it, she will probably be pleased. The role of a stepmother, or stepfather, is to focus on what is in the best interest of the children, and keep your new marriage intact. She can tell her children you are a witch, but don’t be a witch at home with your new family. Be kind and generous. If what the mom says about you is never witnessed by them, and you relentlessly treat them with respect and foster an amicable relationship, they eventually won’t give what their mother says much value. You have to hang in there and be the last (good) person standing. The most important thing you can do is control your side of the relationship with a difficult ex-spouse and never go negative. It’s hard, I wouldn’t want to do it, but it’s the only thing that works.

One last thing.

​I’ve had hundreds of clients tell me they had a wonderful stepparent who enhanced their life beyond words. They tell me how much they loved and appreciated these angels in disguise, who came into someone else’s children’s lives and treated them with love, respect, and caring. Sometimes they felt more loved by the stepparent than their biological parents. These stories help me find hope in the possibilities of what a stepparent can be and mean to a child. You can be a good friend, someone who is nonjudgmental they can count on, you can show them first-hand what a good relationship is. Mutual caring and respect. Kindness. Grace.

You may have signed up for one of the hardest jobs there is within a family, and there will be hard times. Calm communication, love, generosity. They will see it, remember it, and cherish it. Healthy relationships are possible, if we take the high road.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.

Recently, several clients talked about the frustration they felt in the bedroom, not due to no sexual activity or that their intimate relationship is no longer a garden of sexual delight, but because of how their partners react to them when 1. They do not orgasm, and 2. When they aren’t in the mood or do not feel like having intimate sexual relations. This subject has come up week after week in my sessions for almost 20 years. Finally, I realized that ignorance of healthy relationship dynamics is ruining life for everyone else and that it has to stop. Why our culture does not talk about what is healthy and appropriate when it comes to sexual and intimacy boundaries, I do not know. So, I’m going to explain it today, and then hopefully, this blog will end up in every adult’s inbox throughout North America and beyond. We could change the world if people would allow themselves to learn these easy concepts.

The first rule of thumb in any boundary setting is that adults’ free will is to be treated like a holy grail. No one has any right to tell another adult what to do or how to do it, even when that adult is making enormous mistakes. Appropriate personal boundaries mean never telling anyone how to feel, think, what to do, or anything else. We may do so if invited, or we can ask for permission to tell them what we’re seeing, but if they don’t care to hear it, we must back off. Also, physical boundaries are equally as important as the personal ones. Don’t touch, hug, sit, or lean on, anyone without their permission or invitation. Don’t go through their stuff and stay on your own side of the street boundary-wise. Now, you know that adults are free to do as they please, but that does not mean they won’t have to face the consequences of inconsiderate or bad actions.

My family and I discussed this subject at one of our holiday meals a few years back. My niece’s best friend since childhood had ghosted her after forty years of friendship. My niece asked me why I thought she had, and I said, well, has she told you what you do that irritates her? Niece: “Shouldn’t I speak to her when I see her believing and thinking stupidly? If what she is doing is obviously wrong or misguided?” My response: What makes you the all-knowing human who decides what is right or best for someone else? Your stance is violating her intellectual boundaries. With this line of thinking, you are showing me that you are arrogant and think you know better and should tell everyone if their actions don’t align with your beliefs. Niece: “So I should just stay silent and not try to show her a better way?” Me: Correct. In all of mankind, not one person has appreciated having uninvited adults to try to fix them. People will learn their life lessons the hard way or not at all.

Knowing my niece and her strident belief system, which she has also attempted to inflict on me with zero success, she’s probably lost a lot of friendships over the years. That’s why trying to force people to do things that don’t fit who they are is a great way to cause them to seek friendship elsewhere. Let people be who they are, people.

My niece was astonished at the idea that she shouldn’t be telling others how to live their lives better. Of course, what is better for her may not be better for anyone else. Ironically, my niece’s life is not a testament to healthy living and functioning, but this is the way of the world. Dysfunctional people are giving advice to dysfunctional people, and in the end, the whole world is a mess. That may be why so many people are confused about how to conduct themselves. I propose to change that by at least presenting what healthy adult behavior looks and sounds like, and then I can sleep at night.

Sexual Boundaries 101

Do I have to have sex if I don’t feel like it? People have the right to have sex or not, depending on what’s going on with them at the time. Demanding sex is an egregious boundary violation that should never take place. Likewise, forcing yourself to have sex when you don’t want to is terrible self-care and says, in essence, “What you want is more important than what I want.” I feel that too many people throw themselves under the bus to make others happy — a recipe for resentment, and just so you know, those who are healthy emotionally won’t allow that to happen. Sexual behaviors and frequency between committed couples usually ebb and flow over the lifespan. Sexual jackrabbits in their 20s will usually discover that changes as they complicate their lives with children, careers, responsibilities, and all the stress that comes with that. The ability to be sexually flexible and understanding of all the ebbs, flows, and fluidity of human sexuality is what will be required for the relationship to continue thriving. This is also known as being an adult, and part of that is creating the space for others to be who they are at any given moment, whether it’s what you want or not.

Many of my clients tell me that when they do not want to have sex for whatever reason, their spouse will often punish them in some way. I have heard about the silent treatment, pouting, huffing, and puffing, being accused of being frigid, having an affair, are you sure about your sexual orientation questions, and on and on. Nothing good will come from giving your unwilling partner negative feedback and commentary about their lack of sexual desire, and it certainly won’t influence them to jump your bones.

I once had a multimillionaire client, I’ll call Roger, haul his wife into my office, and tell me to fix her because she was frigid. He had searched the nation for sexual dysfunction clinics where they could magically return her to her former passionate self. After several sessions and many questions answered by Roger’s wife, who usually sat with her arms crossed, foot tapping, and looking furious, it was obvious that Roger was a narcissistic asshole, and she was sexually shut down because of that. Indeed, he criticized her relentlessly, and in my experience of visiting with them, I had not sensed one compassionate or empathetic bone in his body. Any meaningful conversation about his ownership of their intimacy issues was not going to be on the table. He was all about entitlement and contempt for the woman who wasn’t giving him what he wanted and deserved, and he could only see her part of the breakdown of their sexual relationship. As Dr. Phil says, “You can’t fix what you won’t acknowledge.” Roger wasn’t going to change. In a session alone with his wife, she shared that she is a very sexual and passionate woman who does not want to have relations with her harsh and judgmental husband. I completely understood. When I told Roger he needed to change more than his wife needed to change, he fired me.

Sexual pressure, negative judgment, and comments kill sexual desire. It takes away any chance that sexual intimacy can be a safe place to express romantic love with a trusted friend. The more a partner acts nasty after a rejection, the more their partner will not want to have sex with them. It’s relationship math. If you want to solve the problem, and you are emotionally mature and really do love and care about your partner, you will not take it personally when they don’t feel like engaging in sexual intimacy and will even be happy that they are confident in themselves and the relationship enough that they are comfortable practicing self-care in setting boundaries that way, because that is what it is at the end, self-care.

A partner can be wildly in love and attracted to you and still not always want to have sex with you. Yet, my husband tells me that 99 percent of men take sexual rejection personally, and being rejected even one time is so emotionally devastating that some may not ever initiate it again with that person. This blew my mind, and I hope it’s not true. So, I thought, a man’s ego is so wrapped up in women desiring them 100 percent of the time that they will never initiate sex again if rejected once, really? Guys, if this is true, get over yourselves. One rejection does not equal total rejection — another relationship math equation. Don’t punish women because of your own sexual insecurities. Chances are, if your partner chooses to spend their life with you rather than the other several billion humans on this earth, they are probably very into you mentally, emotionally, and sexually. If a man decides never to initiate sex again after only one rejection, we will have even bigger problems than just sexual rejection.

It’s important to note here that this is why therapists say you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone else unless you have one with yourself. It will trickle down to every other part of your relationship if you are insecure. and it is wrong to make your insecurities someone else’s problem. Deal with them, build a strong sense of self, and learn to keep your inner peace and confidence as a human, no matter the state of your relationship. Most of us aren’t uber-confident in the bedroom, and that should probably be normalized, but at the same time, most of us don’t expect a lights and fireworks show every time we engage in sexual intimacy, or sometimes, ever. Good sex is subjective, anyway. What is great for one person is not for another, and that’s okay.

Couples with strong relationships who practice healthy sexual boundaries.​

Here are the characteristics of couples who practice healthy sexual boundaries:

1. They understand and respect that their partner may not want sexual relations as often as they do.

2. They are happy that their partner feels comfortable enough to beg off when not feeling up for sexual intimacy, and they see it as a form of self-care.

3. They would not want their partner to feel pressured to have sex when they don’t want to.

4. They would never react negatively when their partner communicates that they are not wanting sexual intimacy at any given time.

5. They know how to take care of themselves in the event that their partner is not wanting to have sex and don’t allow it to harm the relationship.

One more thing: marriages can become sexless over time, and if both partners are fine with that, great. However, if one partner cannot accept this, then the one who has lost interest, for whatever reason, should do all they can to find out what is going on and get themselves back on the sexual track. This could mean having a physical exam that includes bloodwork and having hormones tested, pelvic physical therapy; marriage itself insinuates a long-term, monogamous sexual relationship, and since sexual relations is a normal human need, if that’s what you signed up for, then you need to do what you can to meet your partner’s needs in this area. Don’t expect your still sexually interested partner to give up their sex life for good.

Here are frequent questions and issues that come up in therapy sessions concerning sexual boundaries.

Wear sexy lingerie and send me dirty pics and messages or else. This one comes up in therapy occasionally, and once again, human beings need to leave room and space for their partners to grow, mature, or be different throughout the years they are together, whether personally, professionally, or sexually. It is okay if a person was once comfortable doing these things and no longer is. In most cases, human beings can’t have everything they want, even in the bedroom and in the context of marriage. When we don’t get what we want, we must nurture and take care of that disappointed little girl or boy that lives within us. It is never right to tell your partner there is something wrong with them because they changed. People will change; it’s inevitable, and nothing ever stays the same. Anyway, if you want to break up your family over sexy lingerie and dirty pics, you probably should not have married in the first place.

I think the swinging lifestyle will improve our sexual intimacy, but my partner refuses. For most partners, this is a bridge too far. I have seen numerous couples who destroyed their marriages completely by trying out the swinging lifestyle and have never seen one where it improved their relationship, though I am sure some exist. Guess what usually happens? One partner gets attached to a lover, and now it becomes a love affair, bringing a whole new problem into the relationship. Please don’t do this. If your partner says no, acknowledge with grace their sexual boundary and accept their sexual limits.

They never orgasm during sexual intimacy. Oh my. Actually, 65 percent of women never orgasm during sexual intercourse. These women still enjoy sexual intimacy and penetration and find other ways to orgasm, which is great. Most men find it hard to understand that a woman can completely enjoy sexual intercourse without the orgasmic finish, but they can and do. It is narcissistic and arrogant to think that every person is like you or something is wrong with them if they aren’t. Remember my niece? If your partner tells you they are fine having an orgasm in other ways, then roll with it. Why create a problem where there isn’t one? In other instances, men will blame themselves for not being able to lead their female partner into orgasm during sexual activities. This is usually not the man’s fault or something to make a big deal about. Sure, tell her of your self-doubt and allow her to reassure you. Women’s anatomy can be complicated, surely you know this, and I feel certain they think you are enough, as they have chosen you as their mate. If your woman tells you she is fine, believe her.

I have also talked to men who go through periods where they do not orgasm during sex. Everyone I have talked to who has this issue tells me it bothers their partner more than it bothers them. Again, get a physical checkup to ensure your arteries and chemistry are healthy, and maybe talk to a therapist who can check and see if you have any stressors or problems in the relationship that distract you from the task at hand. If a partner insists they are okay, then accept they are okay, and don’t blame yourself or take it personally if they do not orgasm during sex. If they have any problem with you, we must trust that they’ll tell you about it.

Women’s dirty little secret. A neighbor of mine is in his 70s and talks about sex and his sexual encounters all the time. He is married, and his wife told him 25 years ago that she would never have sex with him again. They moved to separate bedrooms, and he has cheated on her ever since — neither has the desire to divorce. He comes to our resort town on weekends without her, of course, and tells story after story of his sexual conquests with numerous women in various sexual situations. In every story, his female sexual partners told him they’d never had better sex, and they all orgasm numerous times during intercourse. Including his wife! He even turned a lesbian straight — at least for one night — with his sexual gifts, all tales that build on the idea that he is some sexual King Kong that has unlocked the secrets of the female orgasm. He has not, I assure you.

I would bet my life that many of these women are lying to him about how good he is, about how gay they are, and also about how many orgasms they are having. Why? For several reasons. First, he is so sex-obsessed that he has probably told them in advance of his talent and prowess in the bedroom and how women typically respond to him, queuing them in on what is expected. They also probably know that when a man expects or needs her to have more than one orgasm on his watch and that he values that to the extreme, they will oblige by faking an orgasm as the path of least resistance and as a sexual act of kindness. No need for them to tell him the truth, that they probably either have one or no orgasms during sex, because if they do, he will make up that there is something wrong with them, and they don’t want to deal with it. So, they fake it as a defense mechanism not to have to go through judgment or scrutiny of any kind, and so that he can still be King Kong, at least in his own mind. So. what I am saying is that if men make a big deal out of women not having orgasms, women have been known to fake them. When they reveal it, your reaction to who they are will dictate whether they will share all of who they really are.

They want me to do things I am not comfortable with in the bedroom. I once had a male client who was going to divorce his wife if she didn’t engage in frequent anal sex. The wife was distraught over the pressure this demand put on her, and for good reason. First, anal sex is not for everyone, and certainly not for the majority of people, and second, he never mentioned it all when they were dating. In her view, it was sprung on her, and though she wanted to make him happy, she did not want to do it that way. I doubt they are still together because for him, it was do it or I’m gone, a complete violation of sexual boundaries.

I’ve had others who wanted to cross-dress with their spouse, to their spouse’s extreme distress, and still, others want to bring a friend or ex into the picture for a three-way sexcapade. What people do in their bedrooms is their business, but if one partner does not feel comfortable doing something out-of-the-ordinary, then it should never be forced on them through the threat of leaving or anything else. To get along with others, we cannot and must not force our will or pressure anyone to go outside their comfort zone, and if you truly care about your partner, you wouldn’t try to make them. Also, the rule of thumb in boundaries is never to agree to do anything that will cause you to resent the person who is asking you. If your partner asks you to do something you don’t want to, and you would resent doing it, then give them a firm no. It’s definitely okay to say no in the bedroom or anywhere else. Never be afraid to impart a clear message about what you are and are not comfortable with. If a person would leave you over something like that, then it’s probably in your best interest anyway.

My husband watches porn, and I consider it cheating. Men are visually stimulated and typically look at porn at one time or another. Based on evidence from my practice, it is a fairly frequent activity for most men. I remember my dad’s pile of Playboy magazines, which he insisted he read “just for the articles.” Sorry, Dad, you’re busted.

In a research examination of the subject, of 8040 individuals (71.3% men) between the ages of 12 and 85 between 2016 and 2019, over 85 percent reported that their use of pornography, specifically the viewing of different sex couples engaged in sexual intercourse, or (this is my addition) same-sex females, was prevalent. (1) Therefore, we can say that looking at pornography is normal for the heterosexual male population, and I am sure the same is true for the homosexual community. Although researchers have attempted to divide pornography into different classifications, there is still no agreed-upon, research-based formula available for doing that, but there is no doubt that certain types of pornography are more concerning than others. Sexually violent pornography and pornography depicting minors are considered to be far more concerning (and often illegal) than those that depict run-of-the-mill heterosexual sexual activity. These sorts of activities should never be tolerated. But is looking at adult porn a violation of sexual boundaries? I don’t think so.

I work to get women to understand that a man might look at run-of-the-mill pornography that is tape-recorded and still be considered a normal, healthy man, and in my view, that is not cheating. If a person is viewing pornography online that is live, where interaction takes place, I have another view, and that is that it is a terrible violation of trust and boundaries and out of line with healthy marital behaviors. If pornography viewing tips into addiction territory, it means that someone is obsessing and spending inordinate amounts of time watching pornography in a way that affects other aspects of their personal, professional, and sexual lives. This is also not okay and should be dealt with by love and sex addiction professionals. This subject is complicated and has many aspects to consider. For more information on this subject see the work of Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. If what your partner is doing concerns you, or you still have questions, go to a mental health professional and discuss it with them. The more rigid we are in marriage, trying to make rules for our partner and watching them like a hawk are all boundary violations. Don’t be your spouse’s parent, be their partner.

Sexual activity is a big deal in most American marriages and relationships. Yet it is something that requires some level of vulnerability, which leaves us all open to potential injury. One of the most important things about a healthy sexual relationship is that we are kind, accepting, and generous in the processing of the physical piece that most of us value so much. We play a role in our partner’s sexual health and well-being by not damaging them emotionally and helping them to learn to trust people sexually. Never criticize a person’s physical appearance or performance in the bedroom. Telling them what you enjoy and don’t enjoy is part of getting to know one another and that’s fine. Respect their comfort level at all costs. At the end of the day, what is being shared sexually between two people is precious, and we should treat it that way.

1. Ballester-Arnal, R., García-Barba, M., Castro-Calvo, J. et al. Pornography Consumption in People of Different Age Groups: an Analysis Based on Gender, Contents, and Consequences. Sex Res Soc Policy 20, 766–779 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1007/s13178-022-00720-z

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs

It took me decades to realize how weird my upbringing was. The amazing thing is that growing up, I thought my family was the absolute best. Except for the sister I had who was closest in age to me and dedicated herself to making my life miserable, I really thought I had hit the family jackpot. That’s the thing with kids; they tend to idealize their parents and family and see them through rose-colored glasses. Some people grow up and still do. My dad was a lawyer, my mom stayed at home, and their five children ranged in age from 17 to 1 — I was the baby. We went to the Methodist church on Sunday, attended public schools, and played for hours with the kids in the neighborhood, always with a pack of neighborhood dogs joining in the fun.

Where and how I learned to sell myself out.

I grew up in a small southern Arkansas town, the population was around 10,000. In 1964, when I started public school, the town was segregated. It was a city of haves and have-nots divided into several categories: billionaires … Murphy Oil Company was headquartered there, and the Murphys and their many cousins and extended family went to the same public schools we did, though they were delivered by chauffeurs, the middle class, rednecks — we called them hicks back then, and the “colored” people. Yes, that’s what we called the African American population in the 1960s in our town. Even as a child, I was aware of the caste system that existed. Somehow, my family passed on the message of who I was supposed to be friends with and who to avoid, but I don’t remember being told that outright. It was just understood.

Because the different groups in town were so delineated, anyone in the Murphy family was the most acceptable group to be friends with. If someone in the family palled around with a Murphy family member or anyone who was wealthy from oil money, and there were many, they would get a standing ovation from the others. If someone brought home a middle-class friend like we were, my parents wouldn’t be against it but would show no interest in them. If we brought home a prominent friend, my parents would pull out all the stops. I still remember my mom rushing me to the department store to buy a new nightgown when one of the wealthy kids invited me to spend the night. If it had been anyone else, my old gown covered in pills and breakfast stains would have sufficed.

I learned early on to play the family game. Up your station in life by hanging with wealthy or powerful people. All five children in my family learned this pattern of behavior, and most of us played it very well. Just like most children, we did the things that pleased our parents. My parents didn’t press us for good grades, to be athletes, religious, or beauty queens. Instead, they pressed us to make a better life for ourselves by attaching ourselves like sycophantic leeches to those who had more power or money than we did. This pattern of behavior nearly destroyed me in the end, but in my 40s, as I was recovering from my third divorce, and had an epiphany that told me that if I kept choosing mates who were prominent or powerful, who were not good mates, it would eventually kill me. As it was, my third divorce from a United States Congressman had me on my knees. I was so beat-up, broken-hearted, and crushed from the end of that marriage, from how my children and I were treated in the marriage itself, and the cruel way in which he dispensed of us, that it took me five years to feel like myself again. I knew I could never go through another situation like that, and if I exposed my children to something like that again, I would have only myself to blame.

A clear message: Change or die.

One day, I sat down and pressed myself, “Becky, you are a good person. You are smart. You have to get brutally honest about how you have married men who were not good marital partners and plug that leak; otherwise, it will be your destruction.” I knew that voice was right. I pondered it. What were the common denominators — 1. successful, prominent men who I thought were better than I was. 2. In the background of my mind, I told myself could have a better, more interesting life financially, experience-wise, and be accepted by others by being the partner of these men. 3. Since I perceived I couldn’t attain money or prominence on my own, I had to follow the family plan, attain respect and even awe from others, by who I partnered with. The family edict was killing me. I was mortified with the egomania and lack of belief in myself when I realized the ugly truth about what I was doing. I had loved all three men I married dearly, don’t get me wrong. But they could not love in return. They were self or ambition-obsessed and not into or capable of equal partnerships. They were not safe harbors for my heart.

I was determined to change everything, so one of the many books I explored was The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He described how the ego would destroy us if we let it take over our lives, and I had plenty of evidence that this was happening to me. When I read the book, I was attempting to claw my way back into prominence again. Without a man’s coattails to ride on, I tried to get old media jobs back, wrote a book about being married to the Congressman, tried unsuccessfully to sell it, and created a website called “The Congressman’s Wife” that called him out for all his abusive and cruel behavior during our marriage and divorce, but no one gave a damn.

Not hearing the messages the universe was sending me to stop clawing and learn to be happy in the now with what is, I overruled reason and eventually filed to run against him. I had had no success in attaining the jobs or notoriety I sought following the divorce; decision-makers blew me off. So, running against my ex was sure to get the attention I needed and, hopefully, opportunities to get a paid media position, and boy, did it. I got zero paid media opportunities but received notoriety in spades. I was inundated with national media attention as soon as word got out that I had filed my intention to run. I was on every major network, interviewed by Diane Sawyer (she and ABC were awful to me), a Dateline segment and interview with Hoda Kotb (super kind and fair reporting), CNN, Joe Scarborough (understanding and respectful), and many more. I was featured in People Magazine (I will never forget the awful way they told my story), the Washington Post, the Chicago Times, the Los Angeles Times, and more, and in all but a few, I was depicted as the stereotypical crazy, vengeful ex. It broke me. I became a pariah. Most of my family turned their back on me; I lost all my friends, found out some of my friends had betrayed my trust and allowed themselves to be interviewed by reporters so long as their names weren’t identified, and in the end, sat alone asking myself, “What the hell just happened?” That is when I got real, explored the brutal truth about me, and concluded I had to kill my ego, and so I did. When the Texas Secretary of State called me to say that I was 47 signatures short of getting on the ballot after an audit, I was curled up in a ball in my bed, wallowing in my misery. She told me it was over; I put the phone down and was thankful the negative attention would soon end.

Turning life around.

There isn’t a day that I am not thankful for realizing what I was doing to myself to guarantee self-destruction. The people who truly loved me stuck around; the rest did not. I saw it as a long overdue weeding of people who used me like I had been using others. The people who don’t have your best interest at heart will run for the hills when you hit rock bottom, and that’s not a bad thing. I stopped clawing for prominence, learned to be still and let the universe take me toward my purpose. Instead of fighting against the current of life toward things that wouldn’t serve me well, I turned around and went with the flow. I was in graduate school learning to be a therapist. I spent five years soaking up every piece of information I could to become a deeper and more authentic person. I went to therapy and numerous meetings and workshops designed to get my self-esteem and confidence where they needed to be. I have studied research and read endless books (and still do) to prepare myself for life as a healthy adult. It has been an incredible journey all the way around.

Do I beat the Becky up who did all those crazy things? No. I send her love and compassion. She learned what she did from her family and tried to win their approval, but it didn’t work, and I learned that lesson. I must love and accept all the versions of Becky I have been, as she was my most excellent teacher. Thankfully, egomaniac Becky is dead and buried, and Becky, who loves the simple life, the real me, has at long last arrived. Actually, she was there, waiting underneath the ego all along. My life’s work today is to help others who were lost like I was and show them a way to peace and contentment.

Accepting that some never learn the lessons life presents.

Sadly, three of my older siblings, two much older than I am and one now deceased, never did stop the coattails approach we were so deftly programmed to follow. My oldest sister, who passed away years ago, married a successful and controlling multimillionaire, but she had a waterfront house in Florida and everything her material heart could desire. She hung out with the super-rich, one her husband described as the “Meanest woman in town.” I met the woman, and to this day, she is the most openly racist, horrible, and boundary-less person I have ever encountered, and we almost came to blows. Seriously. My sister valued being with these people over those who sincerely cared about her. It was sad to see, but I understood it. When she was dying, I asked her if she had experienced any revelations about her life, and she said no, she lived her life exactly the way she had wanted, so that’s where she was on this lifetime’s journey.

The sister who bullied me as a child is a 70-year-old groupie and “friend” to world-known celebrities in California and the USA, name-dropping every person who comes into her proximity and posting photographs of herself with them on social media and all over her house. These relationships become her obsession, and if they beckon, she will drop anyone and everything to run to their aid. In college, she was a cling-on to our state’s sports heroes. After college, she nannied for one of the most famous families in America. She later moved to California, got involved in organizations that attracted the powerful and famous, and quickly befriended these people. What did she have to offer? She asks nothing of them, fawns to show them her best self, and gives everything she has to them 100 percent of her time, something she would do for no one else. When her children were small, she left them with their dad for months at a time while she trekked around on tour with one of her idol’s organizations. Interestingly, my 81-year-old brother does the same in Arkansas. Are they groupies? I don’t know, but the culture of our small town in Arkansas taught my parents that if we couldn’t rise to the top on our own, we would divert to Plan B and do it through others. It was a losing plan for us all, but those who aren’t self-reflective will never see the futility of it or how pathetic and desperate it is.

Getting it right.

There is nothing wrong with having prominent friends and marrying successful people. But when these relationships mean casting your true self aside, are one-sided, mostly give and little received, you bend for them and they rarely or never bend for you, you’re in a deal with the devil, and you will suffer. The wise are unwilling to sell themselves out or become sycophants so they can have things or opportunities they can’t get on their own.

If your sense of self and identity comes through others, and you lose those relationships, where does that leave you? I can tell you — when I lost it all after my ridiculous and failed attempt to run against my ex-husband for Congress, I lost who I thought was myself. But it wasn’t myself; it was an opportunity to finally see what my ego was doing to take me down and to learn to stop feeding it once and for all. The only way to attain true peace is to find out who you are authentically and create a life for yourself that fits that. When you fall into that flow, things happen for you rather than to you.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.