Therapy for Couples, Families & Individuals in Little Rock

How moronic exes can destroy the lives of their kids …

Another question from www.allexperts.com from a woman named Wendy. Poor Wendy … read on … and DO tell me what YOU think …

Subject: The children’s relationship with a soon-to-be ex

Question: Dear Doctor Becky,

My ex and I have two daughters they are now 7 and 9. Our divorce has been final for over two years, my ex was married again in November of 2008, he is now going through another divorce and planning on marrying again as soon as his divorce is final. His new fiance lives on the other side of the country and an old high school friend. The girls have met her a few times in the past and have had a full day play date with his new fiance recently. That aside he is demanding an absolute cut off of contact with his soon to be ex. She loves the girls and they love her. She was their mother for over a year. At the advice of a child psychologist I agreed to assist in slowly "weaning" them off step-mom time, and that the visits would be supervised by me for a while and then the only contact would be e-mail or phone and then eventually no contact. After one supervised visit I felt like the odd man out, there was not negative talk about the girls dad…there was so many other things talk about, and the girls soon to be ex step mom (STBESM) is a child psychologist, doctor level. So a month later, after the girls cried themselves to sleep and called their STBESM saying they wanted a play date; I scheduled a play date I stayed for about 10-15 minutes and then they all went off to CPK for lunch. Two hours later I met them and we sat for 20 more minutes then off we went. The girls were happy and everything was fine. Once they got to their dad’s and told him he went ballistic and has now forbid them from ever talking to their STBESM when they are with him again. I understand he wishes to get on with his life and start his next marriage but I worry terribly about what this will do to the girls. I think they need time to end their ties to their STBESM. I feel like we are dealing with two separate issues here and he just can’t see that. What do I do now? How do I proceed to allow the girls closure, respect their dad, not build abandonment issues, anxiety and just to do the right thing?

Signed,

The Mom!

Answer: Hi Wendy,

My how divorce can weave a tangled mess … what could be a neatly wound up ball of yarn ends up hopelessly snarled, snagged and stuck. And who does it hurt? The kids, of course.

I feel badly that you have to co-parent with this moron of a dad. If I was working with your husband I would instruct him to stop being so selfish and fearful, and to step up and do what it is loving — which is to allow his children the space to love their (former) step mom. What do we teach our kids when we "wean" them off of people who are important to them and who cause them no harm? (It’s so awful to ponder that I think I won’t do it.) Because of geography, I would imagine that in time the kids will wean naturally from the step mom … if so, fine, if not, let them stay in touch for goodness’ sake.

But, from reading your letter, I imagine selfishness is part of who this man is. Why else would he march so many women through his girl’s lives? This, and not allowing them to stay in contact with his ex, will teach them not to attach to important people who come along. By the time they start hanging with the newest one they’ll have the attitude, "Why bother?" It’s all so sad.

If I were you, I would throw out what the psychologist said about weaning them — that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard — as if they are animals or objects and not humans. When the kids are with you, allow them "normal" contact with STBESM … unsupervised visits, phone calls, etc. When they are with their dad, he unfortunately may screw them up any way he likes, so long as it is not considered child abuse. Thankfully he has no say over what the kids do when they are with you, so long as it is not harmful to them.

In an ideal world you and your ex could negotiate and work this out, but he doesn’t sound like someone who compromises. All this acrimony will certainly damage the kids, and for that, shame on him. Your children need as much love, support, and caring as they can get, and should not have to feel guilty about who they love.

I hope this helps — good luck!

Doctor Becky

Help! My husband does nothing when his friend makes prejudiced comments about who I am!

Hello everyone … I got this question on the web site "All Experts" from a woman named Martha … let me know if you think I gave her the right advice … here goes:

Name: Martha

Subject: Problems in marriage

Question: Hi Becky,

I have a question about relationships and especially marriage. When one spouse has a friend that does not like the other spouse and behaves in a very disrespectful manner towards that spouse and they will not behave, is it appropriate to expect that the other spouse discontinue his/her relationship with that friend?

I grew up with a mother who had many, many friends. She also was friends with the parents of kids who were very prejudiced and were mean and hateful towards kids they did not like because of their national origin. It is common knowledge that this family feels this way. I went through a lot of suffering in school due to these types of people. I found that my mother would never expect her friends to treat her kids with respect. She would rather keep her friends than sacrifice any friendship. I wonder what you see when people are married and this sort of situation occurs. Is it appropriate that the other spouse terminate a friendship with someone who who is mean and disrespectful towards the other spouse due to race, nationality or religion?

Look forward to hearing from you.

Martha

Answer: Hi Martha,

I was really sad to read about what you have been going through. Although you don’t say, it sounds like you are of mixed race, or part of some cultural or religious group that is often subject to discrimination. I can see that from your childhood that this issue is a real hot-button for you.

I must tell you, Martha, my friends would never do what you write about because I select my friends very carefully, and those who discriminate are not welcome in my world. Those from the past who did that are no longer around, and my belief is that to associate with people like that lowers me and the positive energy I fight to have. I recommend you watch the movie, "Gentleman’s Agreement," with Gregory Peck … made in 1949, it won the Academy Award because of its theme of social justice … it underlines that if you stand around, grin and bear it, back slap, and wonk when people denigrate others of different colors, race, etc., you are equally as guilty of prejudice as those who are open about it.

If your husband loved himself (and you) in a healthy manner, he would not allow people to be unkind and disrespectful to you or in front of you. He would correct these people, and if the crimes continued, he would end the friendship. You asked should you expect this? That is a tricky and complicated question, as I don’t think you can "expect" things of others without their agreement. In other words, if your husband promised not to do it again, I think you can have an expectation, but not until then. I think you can look at it as what is the right or proper or loving thing to do, and tell your husband about how this situation causes you to feel. Any husband/spouse who would not take your feelings into consideration and empathize with you might be one you need to reconsider being married to, as it is most unloving when a spouse tells her husband she is uncomfortable in a situation, and then for him to ignore, minimize, or diminish her feelings.

You guys would benefit from some counseling — a counselor will help him understand the ramifications of what he is doing, and how much damage he does when he doesn’t validate you, and then minimizes how you feel. These kinds of situations do untold damage to relationships and he needs to understand that. A therapist would be a better bearer of this news than you, I suspect.

I hope this information helps — good luck!

Doctor Becky

Diana asks: Is it OK to hang out with my boyfriend’s young children?

Man, the people who peruse the "All Experts" site have lots of questions and I can barely keep up. Here is the latest … oh, and don’t forget to tell me what YOU think …

Question: So my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months which is a short time but we have been great friends for many years. He is legally separated and is wanting a divorce with his wife. They have 3 kids a 3 yr old and 2 yr old twins. I have spent time with them only once because they live in another state and his wife pretty much hates me. He sees them once a month and I always get sad when they come down and I can’t spend time with them because he says its too soon for me to be hanging out with him and the kids because the ex wife is there also and it would be a slap in her face if we both were there together. Is it selfish of me to make a fuss about it? I mean he makes his kids sound like such a big deal so i mentally prepared myself to be around his kids and now when they come around I feel left out since I’m not allowed to be
around. 🙁

Answer: Hi Diana.

Thanks for writing and asking me this question.

Basically, your boyfriend is right on. What I consider in this situation is not so much what is healthy for you, but what is healthy for his children, which must be the top priority in such a situation. I tell my divorcing clients not to expose their very young children to their dates, even if committed as boyfriend or girlfriend, until such a point as you are engaged to be married or have specific and immediate plans to pursue a permanent life together. This is because children get attached to people who come along in their lives, and many times the relationships, while serious or well-intentioned, don’t make it for the long haul, and so begins a parade of men and women in and out of the children’s lives. This causes a wide array of problems including a sense of "Why care about her (my dad’s latest girlfriend), she’ll just be leaving anyway," to something even more problematic, "Why care about people, they always leave anyway." In these cases the children may end up emotionally disconnected.

Another issue is that the children are going through a major life change with their parent’s divorce and their comfort level during this time is of utmost importance. The divorce and separation itself no doubt is already causing significant anxiety for them. Bringing new people into their lives creates an even greater level of discomfort or anxiety no matter how well-intentioned and loving someone like you is. Research shows that it takes about 5 years for children to become comfortable and at ease having a "new" person in the family. That’s a long time to not feel comfortable in your own family or home.

Right now the kid’s need a close and loving relationship primarily with their dad and mom. Your boyfriend is right to make this his focus for now. They need and will greatly benefit from a lot of his undivided love and affection.

One more thing, divorcing people can be very flaky and not certain of what they want for up to two years following a divorce. For them this is a crazy and disconcerting time. I would consider dating someone during this volatile and unpredictable time a high risk proposition, and if it were me, I would keep it a fond friendship until he has more recovery time under his belt.

I wish you the best and hope this answer was helpful to you!

Doctor Becky