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June 11, 2014

Here is a letter from a man named Fred who has had it with 25 years of marriage and a wife who promises to do better when it comes to sexual intimacy, but never follows through. Sometimes getting tough is the only answer, and so here goes:
Dear Doctor Becky,

My wife and I have been married for 25 years, with no children.  She does not work. About 15 years ago, she developed some medical issues that made intercourse painful for her. She has undergone numerous treatments with minimal improvement. Over the last 5 years, she has totally given up and our minimal sex life has gone to zero. We used to try to be intimate about once a month.  Now, it is down to once a year. I try to be understanding that this is not her fault.

On rare occasions, I have asked her for some level of physical intimacy that does not involve intercourse.  While she will usually indulge me, her demeanor / comments make it clear that she wants none of this and I feel like I am being punished for asking.  I end up feeling worthless and totally undesired.

I have read countless articles on sexless marriages and everything says to be understanding, romantic, and helpful around the home and over time the intimacy will return. Well, I have tried this repeatedly with absolutely NO improvement.

When I have attempted to have a discussion with her, she dismisses me with a promise that she will do better, only nothing ever changes.  I have begged her to return to the physician, go to an individual counselor, a marriage counselor, anything to help the situation with no avail.

She says she is afraid that I am going to leave over this.  I have never threatened her, but over the last few months, my frustration has started to grow into a rage.  I have totally kept this bottled up but feel that I am about to explode.  I feel guilty for feeling this way but I just do not feel like she is being fair with me.  I understand her not wanting intercourse but feel totally starved for any physical intimacy.

Is there anything I can do to salvage my marriage?

 

Hi Fred,

Thanks for writing. I feel really badly for you as you sound like a very loyal husband who is trying his darnedest to stay the course in this marriage. It is no surprise that you feel the enormous resentment you say you now feel. After all, your wife is passive aggressively delaying any response to your need for sexual intimacy by saying she’ll try to do better, but then does nothing. You have every right to feel angry, as the implication in marriage is that two people enter into an exclusive lifelong sexual partnership.

So, what to do? There is only one solution as I see it … That is to take drastic action to shake up the status quo and force change. I mean, come on, you’ve already tried requesting and pleading with no results. One thing that comes to mind is to tell her you want to separate until she tells you once and for all if she can be regularly, happily, sexual. If you do separate, you must not come home until the change is solidly in place over a significant period of time.

Unfortunately many people don’t change or work hard on an issue unless forced to. When drastic action is taken you will find out if she ever really had any intention to be the sexual wife you need her to be. If she won’t do it, then you have a very important decision to make about your future.

I hope this helps,

Doctor Becky
Filed Under: Uncategorized
June 11, 2014

We ain’t ashamed to say it — families are traveling and kids are out of school, so most therapist offices have slower traffic than usual in the summer. To encourage you to come in and do the work you know you need, try this:

  • Book three 55-minute sessions in 30 days and your 4th session is free: $480.*
  • Book every-other-week sessions for 10 weeks (5 sessions total) and get your last session free:  $640.*

*If you are a new client the initial intake is required in addition to the 55-minute sessions. With the summer discount, the initial individual and couple’s intakes are 10% off – $225 and $270 respectively. Also, sessions, including the intake,100_angerpic must be taken within the time period specified or discount does not apply.

Help-you-out discount: Available all year long – Becky believes every therapist should offer lower cost options for clients. Some offer sliding scale fees, but Becky does it another way so that every person has access to it. The lower-cost appointments are on Wednesdays, on a first-come, first-served basis and by request only. The appointment must begin between 10am and 2 pm. 90 minute intakes: $200, two-hour couples’ sessions are $250. Individual, couples, and families’ 55-minute sessions $140. See you on Wednesdays!

QUANTITY DISCOUNTS – Some clients like to pay for sessions in advance to reassure themselves, and/or hold themselves accountable to a continuing therapeutic process. For this, Becky offers two options:

10 sessions – Ten 55-minute sessions for everyone — $1500. Advance non-refundable payment required.

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized
She’s baaack! New Web site, new blog …
May 13, 2013

It’s been quite a while since I’ve written in this space, and I’ve missed it.  Though the time seems right to return, it’s not as easy to do it as I’d hoped – I guess I’m rusty, but that’s part of The Struggle of life, right? The happy news is that although I walked away from blogging for a long while, I have returned to this medium that I love, which makes me wonder, what things have YOU put aside that YOU truly enjoy?

So here I am, having learned a lot in the last four years, both professionally and personally. Changes and challenges have occupied my heart, mind, and time, and to show you what I mean, here’s a look at just a few: I’ve closed my thriving San Antonio, Texas therapy practice and moved to my home state of Arkansas to be near my family and boyfriend. Moving, of course, meant applying for a Marriage & Family Therapy license in Arkansas, and that was a demanding 14-month process – ugh!

And a move … even when a happy choice, is stressful and expensive. I went from years of owning a comfortable single mom home in Texas to storing most of my belongings and living alone in a rental property in Little Rock … this limbo period brought a feeling of being unsettled.

Add to that the tragic death of my beloved and adored Marine scout sniper son, Benjamin, in Afghanistan in October 2011. This is the most profound life-changing event that words cannot adequately describe. It is heartbreaking and something I think about and process every day. I’m learning to live with the constant ache in my heart, but add to that the differences between factions in the family about my son’s legacy, and The Struggle continues.

I often tell my clients, you can let the events of life bring you down, or you can feel that stress and pain and keep going. In the end, the strong truly do survive and thrive. Many times it helps me to recall one evening in graduate school when a professor talking about Buddhism told our class that when life’s inevitable obstacles present themselves, a Buddhist embraces them with an attitude of thankfulness for all the rich lessons, wisdom, compassion and growth that will surely come from them. I’m working on this one.

So that’s the last few years in a nutshell, and as seasons change so does life.  The boyfriend I talked about above is now my fiance, and I am so happy about it. He is so perfectly matched for me that I feel he was made to order – no, he’s not perfect, just perfect for me. The lessons I’ve learned in 11 years of being single – and patiently alone – I hope to pass on to you. In the months to come he and I will wed and move into a home and life will become settled again, life comes full circle.

My next challenges will be to be the best wife a woman could hope to be, and to keep learning and growing as a therapist so I can bring my clients every possible tool to help them in their own growth process.  Watch here for how this unfolds over the coming months.

And while I passionately love writing about The Struggle, I also love reading and learning from what YOU have to say. I encourage you to share your own Struggles and I will comment if I feel there is something to add.

I really look forward to connecting and growing along with you.

 

Filed Under: News