As an experienced Marriage & Family Therapist, I have seen many couples seeking premarital counseling, and they do it for two reasons: It’s either required by whoever is marrying them, or they’re seeking an assessment by a professional who might show them areas of strength and weakness, while also offering helpful suggestions on how to have a healthy relationship. Of those, two couples had what it takes to have a successful marriage and received my full endorsement, while the rest of them got married, even after being passionately discouraged not to.

I believe that choosing to marry the wrong partner is the primary reason for the high rate of divorce in the United States. No one can blame the American public for not knowing how to do it; while we are taught in school about the solar system, world history and how to give a speech, never is healthy family dynamics and communication discussed. What an egregious educational oversight.

So we grow up, usually in dysfunctional families, become attracted to people, commit, and begin a life with someone while not knowing a damn thing about how to do it ­ – never mind the divorce rate, the important question is how many married people are truly thriving and happy? No one knows for sure, but researchers estimate that only 8 to 17 percent of married people can be described as happy and satisfied – that’s pitiful.

Since my life goal is to change all of that, I decided that as a public service I would make a list of predictors of divorce. That way maybe someone will listen and think hard before getting into these sorts of situations. [1]

The most common characteristics predicting marital doom are:

• Age & education. The younger you are and the less education you have, the higher the divorce rate.[2]

• A sense of urgency to rush a wedding date. In this scenario, one person is unusually anxious to get the marriage date on the calendar despite the obvious wisdom of taking your time and allowing the relationship to have a longer history. The plea to the reluctant fiancé is often, “Well, we’re going to get married anyway so why not go ahead and do it now. The person rushing the issue usually has less-than-healthy motives for not waiting, such as an inability to be alone, being emotionally anxious, wanting to improve financial security, etc.

• A major power discrepancy that creates dominance of one person over the other. You’re rich, she’s not; she’s old, you’re not; you’re beautiful, he’s not, etc. (Think Anna Nicole Smith and J. Howard Smith II, married in 1994, they are the poster children for most predictors of divorce in one marriage. Unfortunately Marshall died after one year of marriage at age 90, but therapists had their money on it ending in divorce had he lived).[3]

• Insecurity & trust issues. A great relationship has to have a strong sense of trust and solidness with one another; otherwise it will be built on a fragile foundation that will lead to all sorts of cracks in the walls of the marriage in the years to come.

• Blending families. Most kids do not enjoy sharing their parent with outsiders, and if they had a say, the precious time they do have with their parent after a divorce would be to have quality time on their own. It can take up to five years – and sometimes it never happens – for a child to acclimate to a step parent and/or the new set of children that comes with that person. Add to that the refusal of most kids to treat a stepparent as an authoritarian figure, or even someone they like, and torn feelings the parents have between their new spouse and their children, and you can see why the divorce rate for blended families is so high – 60 percent or higher. Although it can occasionally be a good thing, I say avoid it if you can.

• Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. If criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (emotional or physical withdrawal from interacting) already exist in your relationship, your marriage will last an average of 5.6 years., says Dr. John Gottman’s research., so don’t do it.[4]

• Chronic immaturity. Putting self before others in the worst possible ways, i.e., thoughtlessness, lack of self-discipline and inability to control one’s self. Into immediate gratification, inability to accept responsibility, has an excuse for everything.

Preparing yourself individually to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit will prepare you for a healthy relationship in the future. Having two emotionally healthy, mature people who can take care of themselves if need be, but who value that needing and caring for a life partner will certainly enhance life, is the spirit required for a successful marriage. When you are healthy, you will attract healthy partners, and the ones who aren’t will slip away. This is the ground on which to choose a mate for life.

[1] Some of the best research on this subject comes from esteemed scholar Dr. John Gottman’s Love Lab at the University of Washington in Seattle. Gottman is famous for being able to predict whether a couple will divorce with 94% accuracy. For more info visit www.gottman.com

[2] Bureau of Labor Statistics. Marriage and divorce: patterns by gender, race, and educational attainment. October 2013.

http://www.bls.gov/opub/mlr/2013/article/marriage-and-divorce-patterns-by-gender-race-and-educational-attainment.htm

[3] For more information on this coupling go to http://www.biography.com/people/anna-nicole-smith-183547

[4] Gottman, John. www.gottman.com.

People looking for a marriage therapist sometimes call and ask what my success rate is. Even if it was possible to answer that question, the results would reveal very little about my, or any therapist’s, capabilities. What couples need to know is that whether a marriage can be saved lies in a multitude of considerations that the two individuals in the marriage bring to counseling. If they’ve got what it takes, we can expect a good result.

The hard part is that few couples have what it takes.

One issue that makes healing a marriage difficult is that most people come in much later than they should have and a lot of serious damage has already been done. The individuals have been silently disgruntled, usually for years, not even telling their spouse how they feel, until one fateful day the truth comes out with a) one or both can’t stand the sight of the other, b) an affair has been revealed, or c) one person announces that they want a separation or divorce. It almost always takes a major episode or announcement for most couples to take their problems seriously and make that first marriage counseling appointment.

With a marriage in that sort of condition, it should be obvious that teaching communication skills and asking them to have more date nights is not going to do the trick. Instead, the couple has a stage four (metastasized) marital cancer and they’re bringing their relationship in nanoseconds before it takes its last breath. One or both people are not in the mood to be nice to each other or receive that niceness, so it takes a skilled therapist to help manage the crisis to make sure that they don’t make a bigger mess than has already been made.

The first order of business is to stabilize the situation – the marital house is on fire and we need to put out the flames. Read this: No important decisions should be made in the foreseeable future, at least until there are calmer and wiser heads in charge. While working on stabilization, I evaluate each individual ranging from mental and physical health to beliefs, values and family history. I feel them out for the type of people they are, what their goals is and exploring each person’s motivation level. Usually, at the end of that first 2-hour session I can tell if the couple has what it takes to heal their marriage.

What I’m looking for is:

• Basic intelligence. Can you, and are you, willing to learn new things. Are you capable of abstract thinking and ideas?
• Humility. Can you release the need to be right, own your marital crimes and misdemeanors, accept responsibility for areas in which you have fallen short and avoid blaming? Can and will you accept insights and advice from someone experienced and knowledgeable about mental health, relationships and crisis recovery?
• Can you go-with-the flow of what life presents you? Can and will you bend?
• Integrity and honesty. Are you a person who values commitment, keeping your word, telling the truth, and being transparent?
• Empathetic. Are you able to put yourself in other’s shoes and see and feel what they may be feeling? Can you understand what effect your actions (and lack of action) have on others and accept responsibility for it?
• Mentally balanced. If you suffer from common mental disorders such as depression, anxiety; attention-deficit, adjustment, personality disorders or addictions, you are actively treating and managing them.
• Person of action and follow-through.
• Calmly & securely attached to those you care about? You’re attachment style is peaceful as opposed to needy and grasping, you are emotionally available when needed, and give space when asked.
• Understand and practice the concept of delayed gratification and being thoughtful and mindful about what you say and do. You do not have the need to control outcomes or others.
• Commitment-oriented. You value sticking with people and situations in a solid, thoughtful way.

This list of characteristics may sound easy, or may seem impossible to attain. But they are what they are ­– the qualities of smart and reasonable people who have healthy self-esteem, of people who can work through things in a moderate way, and to an outcome that is in the mutual best interest of all. If you don’t have many of those qualities, I suggest you start working on them as soon as possible.

Marriage therapy is not for sissies. It takes hard work, determination, and a willingness to take one for the team. Some of my therapist friends have agreed over a cup of coffee that only about 5 percent of their clients see therapy through to a successful outcome. I think that speaks to the fact that talking about being willing to fight and do anything to save your relationship is easier said than done.

Please see below for our upcoming appointment availability:

For Dr. Becky:
Monday, February 23rd: 9:00 a.m. – 10:30 a.m.
Tuesday, February 24th: 3:30 p.m. – 5:00 p.m.
Wednesday, February 25th: 9:00 a.m. – 11:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. – 6:00 p.m.
Thursday, February 26th: Not Available.
Friday, February 27th: Not Available.
Saturday, February 28th: By Request

For Candice:
Monday, February 23rd: 10:00 a.m. – 11:00 a.m.
Tuesday, February 24th: 1:00 p.m. – 3:30 p.m.
Wednesday, February 25th: 9:00 a.m. – 3:00 p.m.
Thursday, February 26th: 9:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m.
Friday, February 27th: Not Available.