Dysfunctional dating abounds and I would like to end the insanity. Like you, I am worn out by the needless tears, heartache, and crazy ex stories, all because of people’s bad decision-making, so even though teaching singles to make wise choices will severely hurt my counseling practice, I am willing to take the hit.

Another reason I’m so motivated is that I know what it’s like to feel like a dating fool, and to be in a miserable marriage that I got myself into due to my own dreadful and misguided mate choices. So much so that I reformed myself, and it paid off. In short, I got real and grew up. Why wouldn’t anyone who has found peace want others to find it, too?

How did it happen? Well, before I married the male Hope Diamond in 2013, I was single a long time – back in my young adulthood, and then as a single mom from 1993 to 1998. Then I entered a disastrous, emotionally devastating three-year marriage, which served as the jackhammer over my hard head that I needed. Determined to change my life, I went to graduate school, became a therapist, and dedicated myself to working on me and figuring out what I was doing wrong so I could be happy as well as find lasting, healthy love. I became my own science experiment. I had to figure out how to select a compatible and healthy mate. I dated, but never had a boyfriend for nine long years. Why? Well I was going to fix me, but I had to be certain that my mate was mentally and emotionally healthy, he had to adore me with enthusiasm – no more one-sided business! Also, I was looking for a best friend, something I’d never had in a romantic partner. This, my friends, was exceedingly difficult to find. It took patience and a willingness to be alone.

One thing that also helped was a set of dating guideline that I had written in 1996 when I was a columnist for the San Antonio Express-News. They were inspired from when I was dumped by a man who went back with his former girlfriend (they had been broken up 4 months) a couple of months into dating me. When we first met he insisted he was relieved to be away from her and that he was safe to date – well, we know how that ended. I felt so duped and misled that I sat down and figured out some ways I could avoid flakes like that in the future.

Since then I have put even more thought into the concept. As I’ve always said, they look easy, but are not, and while they do not guarantee that you will never be hurt again, if you apply them they will significantly improve your chances:

Doctor Becky’s 4 Rules for Romantic Self-Protection

1. Do not date a man or woman who has not been out of a serious relationship for at least a year. This rule helps you avoid becoming a rebound victim – you know, the human band-aid we become as we’re used to help newly single folk through the dark days? It also ensures that you are not being used as bait to win the person’s former love back. (Yes, people do that.) Typically, the person coming out of a long term relationship or marriage are almost always temporarily insane and unstable for up to two years, and also their IQ temporarily drops by 20 points. This means that, except for criminal acts, they can’t be held responsible for what they say and do. That’s why it’s best to stay out of that sort of weather until the storm passes. Still, if you meet someone terrific who is just emerging from a relationship, it’s fine to become his or her friend and companion – sort of like staying nearby with a foot in the door, but not coming all the way in the house.

2. Do not have sex with a person unless commitment has been mutually expressed. I look forward to reading the negative messages I’ll receive over this one. First, I believe it would be best if we all started treating sex like it meant something more than a second cup of coffee. Indeed, the sex act is very powerful for many, and almost always changes everything about a relationship. So, to maintain your equilibrium or inner peace, and avoid anxiety, you must be able to say to yourself that, “I know for certain that he or she will continue to be in this relationship following our having sexual intercourse.” This especially holds true for those who get very attached once sex has entered the picture.
3. Avoid feelings described as “head over heels.” When you let your feelings and emotions get out of control, your body pumps brain chemicals equivalent to taking heroin or some other drug that brings about temporary euphoria.* During this state, we cannot make wise and rational decisions. Many times this feeling lures us into a relationship that is not healthy for us, because we get hooked in by the way it makes us feel, but when it becomes unhealthy we can’t get out of it, because we love the way it makes us feel. The cycle of love addiction is born. Healthy love feels comfortable and easy.

4. Do not even think of getting married until you have spent at least one year and four seasons with your new love. It is impossible to say if we love someone until our desire to be with him or her stands the test of time. Until then, it is just a feeling caused by brain chemicals that make us want to be near someone. Of course, you must feel attachment to the person you commit to, but real, mature and potentially life-lasting love is a commitment and choice that is best made after see the person in as many situations as possible … the holidays, cold weather, hot weather … You need to see how he or she acts when sick, when things aren’t going right, how money is handled, how the mom is treated, what their traditions and rituals are. You’ve got to ascertain whether they are honest and have integrity. Anyone can act nice for a short period of time … that’s why it’s imperative to take your time. Hey, would you buy a car you knew had to last a lifetime based on looks and how it made you feel when you first looked at it?

Another piece of this is a promise you must make with yourself – that you will walk away if a relationship doesn’t feel right. I always tell clients that a healthy relationship will not be difficult, it won’t provoke insecurity and make you anxious. You won’t have to wonder if the person is going to flake out on you tomorrow, next week, or 10 years from now. You’ll just be able to live your life, every day, with someone whose company you enjoy immensely, and who enjoys you, too.

*Read more about how the brain makes us high at:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/12/AR2007021201657.html-

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200909/the-plunge-pleasure

Note: I recently wrote a list of red-flag warnings for women about men, and I promised equal time to help men. Here it is …

Woman have brought men misery, ecstasy, and everything in between for millions of years, and that is not likely to change anytime soon. The only way men could possibly make it through the dating scene in one piece is to learn the art of how to choose a woman who is most likely to enhance his life over the long haul, avoid the ones who are purveyors of pain, and I am here to help.

Being a therapist and a woman, I have seen dysfunctional females in action, and I know what they do and how they think. The madness happens when some poor man enters the picture like a hungry fish in a lake. He swims up, bites the hook and ends up in the frying pan all in a very short period of time. The sad thing is it could all be prevented if guys would approach women differently – with a skeptical attitude where trust is gained over a significant period of time. What is significant? I think two years of dating will tell a person 90 percent of what they need to know.

Instead, what I see too often is a man falls head over heels in love and gets himself in too deep, too soon. Before his heart has palpitated a dozen times, the part of him that loves to rescue and fix kicks in and he makes plans to remodel her house, buy her a car, pay for some plastic surgery, and take her on some cool vacations. Men tell me it makes them feel good and needed to help a woman with her problems, but as soon as the paint is dry on the last room in the house the dream may well become a nightmare as he realizes Miss Wonderful is really a crazy train wreck – come on, you know it happens!

So DO NOT quickly move in, get married, make capital purchases for her, pay her bills, do more for her than change a light bulb or buy anything together including puppies, kittens and other items difficult to divide. If you do these types of things before a woman is attached to you, she will associate you with what you can do for her rather than who you are and how she feels about you.

So in my role as a public servant and educator, I am providing a list of red flag warnings that will help men sort out the women who aren’t sincere. To make things easier, I have divided the red flag issues into different departments … you can thank me later:

The Department of Immaturity, Shallowness and Dependency

1. Debbie P. Drunkerson. The P stands for party. Feels most comfortable in bars and loves staying out late with friends. Note: People who don’t party are “boring.”
2. Has never been independent. Has relied on parents, family, boyfriends, husbands or divorce settlements to get by. May work but hates it. Has little or no interest in education, training, or a career. Prays nightly for a man who believes a woman shouldn’t work. Sadly, at the core, it’s a confidence issue.
3. Gucci Vuitton Jacobs. You can see by her expensive presentation that she is into the finest material goods and experiences money can buy. Obsesses about fashion, vacations, and has her cosmetic dentist, skin specialist and plastic surgeon on speed dial. Being vain is her thing. Oh, and do you have a yacht?
4. Flashy Flo. If only her enormous boobs could talk. Her favorite pattern is leopard and her jewelry looks like it came from a fishing lure box. She’s charming as all get-out, and sex and attention are the bait. You’ll get it all for a very high price – including your bruised and damaged heart. Don’t be surprised if she’s texting 14 other guys while dating you, looking to see who will ante up the most. Wear a condom.
5. The rebel. Hell-raiser and non-conformist, no matter her age, she’s 17 for life.
6. Attention-seeker. Feels terrible about herself, so must do what she can to get validation that she’s worthy and desirable. When she feels you’re off your game you’ll find her talking with someone else.

The Department of Manipulation

1. The Fertile Financial Planner. These women can have a baby at the snap of a finger, love sex, preferably during ovulation, and just won’t use birth control. They’ll get pregnant and may want you to stick around and help raise the child, but most importantly, she’ll appreciate the child support you’ll be paying.
2. The Poor Soul. Counting on your soft heart, her story mirrors a Greek tragedy. Abandoned by her parents, she was raised in an orphanage where they forgot to feed her and boy is she hungry now – for you to support her. Oh, and did she tell you about her dancing job?
3. Rebound Reba. Can’t be alone so must have a relationship lined up at all times and at all cost. Will drop you when she finds “someone better,” even though we all know he’s much worse.
4. The Misleader. She’s not ready for a relationship … yet. Allows you to hang on, pay for things and keep your hopes up. If she isn’t all in, don’t you be in.

The Department of Mental Disorders

1. Personality Disorders Beware. At least one in 10 women has one, so educate yourself – the most common ones are Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissism, Sociopath, and Dependent Personality Disorder. http://psychcentral.com/personality/ Quick help guide: Look for abandonment and victim issues, extreme moods, lack of empathy, no conscience, know-it-all, self-absorption.
2. Drama Queen. See Personality disorders.
3. Chronically ill pill popper. Has more ailments than a monkey in a science lab and doctors can’t seem to pinpoint the cause. She definitely knows which docs are loose with the prescription pad and isn’t beyond buying pills on the street.

So there’s the short list, fellows – I truly hope it helps. It breaks my heart to see a man in my office who feels like a complete fool after having been duped by a woman who used and abused him in her own self interest. I wish all of us treated you like you deserve.

Note: This one is for the single women of the world – one for men will follow …

You’re a single, professional woman, and you’d like to find a long-term partner. On the surface, you’d think that finding a mutually rewarding and healthy relationship would be easy, but we all know it is not, and here’s why: The pool in which you’re fishing is shallow and poorly stocked, my friends. We’re looking for top quality fishing, and all we find are throwbacks … must we settle for less than we want and deserve? Of course not. There are ways to locate a person who’s a healthy fit – it takes time, patience, being deliberate and mindful in the process.

First, what is a great guy, and what is a throwback? We have to define the terms.

What a great guy is was defined by the cave woman millions of years ago. The most prized man in those days was strong and healthy, faithful, had a cave in a safe neighborhood, could protect her if needed and was great at hunting and gathering. Cave woman wanted to be safe, have healthy children and plenty to eat. She wanted to survive.

Things haven’t changed much, except for now we also throw love and personality into the equation. Today’s great guy is someone who is confident, kind, intelligent, consistent, commitment-oriented, secure, honest, healthy, smart, fun, funny, emotionally available, able to make you a priority, interested in life, and a hard-working provider. He digs you. These guys, by my estimate, are less than 5 percent of the available male population.

Where did I get that number? Personal and professional experience, and uh, statistics … the type of guy you want exists, he’s just found in the 17% of the population whose IQ is above average – 110 or above*­– and even more important, is capable of objective, abstract and critical thinking and processing – with that addition we need to whittle the number down to 5 percent.**

The others are throwbacks by professional woman standards. They may be good people, but they aren’t good partners. Throwbacks haven’t honed their brain – literally – they haven’t maximized their human potential. Perhaps they’ve taken the easy path in life, haven’t applied themselves, feel a bit entitled, maybe even stunted their brain’s potential with chemicals or not continuing their education … in a word, they’re immature. Note to throwbacks: No need to take this personally or send hate mail, that would prove my point. Simply begin developing yourself so you can reach your relational potential. It’s about time, don’t you think?

Now, as a public service I have prepared a list of throwback red flags you need to look out for:

1. Still tethered to mom and/or birth family after age 35 – If they tell you their family comes first, you never will.
2. Over age 45 and having had either one (usually) short marriage and/or very few or no long term relationships. Don’t fret over not being able to grab this one, despite his age, this person, who physically looks like a man, is still a boy, and chances are he has a secret that only the liquor store knows for sure.
3. Hangs with a bunch of guys who fall into # 2 listed above or are terrible husbands.

4. Brags about how his children will always come first, and he’s an empty-nester. See explanation in #1 listed above. They’re well meaning, but terribly misguided.
5. You’re not sure what he does for a living. Sometimes he’s working, sometimes not, but whatever it is he does, there’s no name for it, when he talks about it you don’t understand it, and no one has ever seen him do it.
6. 
He wistfully talks about the good old days when he used to be successful. When times were good, he bought his women expensive jewelry and cars like they were a penny a pound, he traveled the world and had his picture taken with Mother Teresa and Nelson Mandela and they asked for his advice. But today, all he can give you is a toothpick after you pay for dinner. Don’t worry, he says, the good days shall return … in the meantime, can you loan him a hundred bucks?
7. Never ignores a short skirt, pretty leg, ample booty or boobs size B cup and above. No explanation necessary.
8. 
Misunderstands or doesn’t understand most of what you say. Sorry, but there are a ton of men out there who look and dress well but just don’t have many kilowatts upstairs. If you say, “I am looking for a man who is capable of emotional intimacy,” and his defense is, “I am very emotional,” run!
9. 
Smokes pot, uses drugs. Those of us who are still alive and lively appreciate men who are present, motivated, energized, and healthy. Pot suspends your ability to tune into other people. Need I say more?
10. 
Hates his job. If you don’t like what you’re doing, make a plan to do something else, then do it. Stagnation is a turn-off, and the top 5 percent wouldn’t dream of it.
11. Doesn’t monitor his health. He’s sick and a tooth is loose but he won’t go to the doctor or the dentist. Girls, if he doesn’t get check ups, doesn’t floss, and avoids doctors you’ll be dating a ticking time bomb with no teeth, and worse, he’s the type who won’t get Viagra or Cialis when the day comes.
12. Unemployed trust fund kid. These guys have the bucks, but are as boring as freeze-dried hamburger and have the maturity of a 15-year-old.
13. 
Personalito Nondevelopmento. Speaking of boring …
14. Not curious. You’re together and he never (or barely) asks you anything about you – good Lord the minutes will tick by slowly with this one – and if not you, what is he interested in, anyway?
15. Wants final say over what you think, feel, believe, do and where you go? No thanks, dude.
16. Poor provider. A mutual decision for him to stay home with the kids is OK, but there’s no bigger turn-off than a man who is unwilling to be a provider.

Although that’s a long list, unfortunately it is not a complete list. I’m sure you will help me to think of some more. But the good news is that although 95 percent of men are like the ones listed above, we still have that allusive 5 percent we can choose from. Where are they? Most are in relationships, because they are commitment-oriented, but sometimes women stupidly kick them out, and occasionally, as horrible as it is, their partners pass away, so there’s always a new crop coming in. Your job is to be patient, ready and aware so you will recognize a jewel when he shows up.

* http://www.mind-development.eu/stages-development.html#piaget

** Ibid.