Five ways our Childhood Screws Us Up

In counseling I show clients how what happened to them in childhood causes them to be dysfunctional today. There is no need to be afraid or ashamed of this truth, it is something that happened to all of us, with few exceptions, no matter what type of family and/or life experiences we had. Our childhood is a delicate period of human development, and it is highly likely every child will be traumatized in some way, even with caretakers who have the best intentions.

The goal of parenting is to come out at the end with a human who is grown up and capable of taking care of themselves in every way, has solid will, drive, motivation and self-worth, as well as able to have healthy adult relationships that involve emotional and physical intimacy, sharing and give-and-take. If we are struggling in our adult years, chances are it is due to childhood trauma.

How do we get damaged? When we are born our brain needs certain things to be able to thrive and progress developmentally. Common causes of childhood trauma are neglect and lack of nurturing. Babies and young children need a large amount of attention and nurturing, and most of us didn’t get near enough. Blatant abuse, too rigid or too lenient upbringing, and parental and cultural control and expectations will also do the trick. [1]

Even if we somehow made it through the above with a solid sense of self, most of us will take on shame at some point, or the feeling that we aren’t good enough or don’t measure up, which is another major cause of childhood trauma. This happens as we realize we can’t be what our family and culture want and need us to be, and then we injure our psyche by comparing our self to others. Add to that the energy that our parent’s and caretakers projected — anger, sadness, negativity, fear, pain — children cannot protect themselves from other people’s emotional energy, and they absorb it as if were their own. Now the child is carrying a load of heavy emotions that isn’t even theirs. All of these are traumatizing to a child emotionally and will cause Developmental Immaturity (DI), which means that our bodies grow into adults, but our emotions remain immature and childlike, in the most negative sense. DI will persist until we go into recovery and grow ourselves up.

Childhood trauma damages us emotionally in five core areas:

1. Self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem is an understanding of inherent value, despite imperfections, and not feeling better than or less than anyone else. The developmentally immature person will exhibit one of two types of self-esteem, and both are dysfunctional — shame and grandiosity. Shame is one of life’s most painful emotions and causes us to have contempt for ourselves. Grandiosity is a feeling of being better than and having contempt for others. A common dysfunctional belief related to self-esteem is that is that value is based on external things such as appearance, achievement, work ethic, etc.

2. Boundaries. Boundaries are how we protect ourselves, and also how we contain ourselves. The idea is; “Protection of self so you don’t injure me physically or emotionally, and controlling myself so I won’t harm you.” Boundaries can involve the body or the psyche. DI means a person will either be unable to protect themselves from others and therefore will be frequently abused or victimized. The other end of the dysfunctional boundary spectrum is being so physically and/or emotionally walled off, as if living in a bank vault, that they can’t have a functional intimate relationship with another person.

3. Reality. This is how we perceive the information that we see, hear and feel every day. Our perception becomes our reality. Information comes into our awareness, and we attach a meaning to it. Developmentally immature people do not process what they see, hear and feel accurately concerning themselves and others. They make up meanings that aren’t true, they assume and jump to conclusions, put people on pedestal or look down on them instead of seeing the as the flawed and imperfect humans we all are.

4. Dependency. A healthy adult is capable of a truly interdependent[2] relationship with another person. When dysfunctional in this category, an adult is completely dependent on others — they can’t be alone or function emotionally, or financially without the assistance of others. The other end of the spectrum is someone who is anti-dependent, without needs and wants from others — I call these people “an island unto themselves.”

5. Moderation. Children have difficulty controlling themselves, and some adults have this issue, also. Think of those who don’t control their spending, eating, schedule, etc. On the other end of the spectrum is the person who is out of control with being in control; a control freak who will not be spontaneous. In the middle is healthy moderation of self. An example of the three is that rather than eating the whole cake, or never allowing oneself to indulge in sweets at all, the moderate person would eat one piece.

This was a brief overview of what happens to us that keeps us from growing up and being able to live and relate as mature adults. People don’t magically grow up and start being functional and mature, it is a skill that must be learned and practiced, and a lot of people who start doing that will need to do some level of trauma work. It is an endeavor that is worthwhile and life-changing.

To get you started on your journey I recommend you read the work of Pia Mellody, especially her books Facing Codependence, Breaking Free, which is the workbook to Facing Codependence, and The Intimacy Factor. Her model for going into recovery from developmental immaturity is used and respected throughout the world. Pia Mellody-trained therapists know this model well. It is also worthwhile to attend workshops led by Pia Mellody trained therapists, or at the world renowned Meadows Behavioral Health and Rehabilitation Center in Wickenburg, Arizona, where Mellody first developed her model.

[1] List of Types of trauma.

[2] Interdependent: Mutually reliant. Two adults capable of taking care of themselves physically, emotionally and financially coming together in relationship and creating a more powerful union of helping and assisting one another.

Women need to wake up and recognize that they have all the power in budding relationships.

A blog reader recently sent me this:

“I read about your Rules for Romantic Self-Protection advice on your web site’s section for singles, and one of the rules was; “No sex before commitment is mutually expressed”.

 When I express this concept to guys I’m dating, they often say “Sex is a very important part in a relationship. And I can’t give you the commitment of a relationship unless I know I am sexually compatible with my partner.”

 When I explained that waiting gives us more time to build up love and respect, they say, “I have so much respect for you, and I do not calculate or keep track of when, how soon, or how many dates it takes for you to have sex with me, and then use that to measure how much respect I have for you. Women do that. That is just not how men think”.

 I don’t know what to think or do this situation. I feel like if I don’t give in, then I am halting the relationship to go any further.”

Signed, Anonymous

Here is what I said:

Dear Anonymous,

Let’s discuss the subject of having sexual intercourse with a man early in a relationship, and my six concepts that go along with that:

1. Stick to your boundaries. Ask yourself, what do I want to do? If you are not ready for sex for whatever reason, don’t do it. When being true to yourself, use yourself and your feelings as the compass, not what other people want. If a man won’t respect your sexual boundary (I intentionally use the word won’t instead of can’t), then what he is telling you is: My sex life is more important than the sexual boundary you have set for yourself.” That is a huge red flag, my dear. A man who truly respects and cares about you as the human being you are, as opposed to a sexual object he would like to conquer, will do whatever it takes to win a commitment of steady dating from you. Don’t allow yourself to be pushed or pressured.
2. Dating is no big deal. A dating commitment that designates romantic exclusivity does not mean we will marry that      person, so dating someone for a while is not the big deal some women seem to make of it. All it means is – let ‘s test drive us for a bit to see if we are compatible. Sex can come sooner, later or never in that scenario, it’s your decision. If a man is serious about you, he will allow you to set your own rhythm and pace in the relationship.
3. Be in your power in relationships. When you say, “I feel like if I don’t give in, then I am halting the relationship to go any further,” it tells me that you do not value yourself, as you are considering betraying you so that a man can have his sex in the timeframe he wants it, and with most men, that timeframe is very short. I have news for you, women are the power in the relationship, we are the ones who decide if it will proceed. Without us, there is no relationship. No need to change for, or sell yourself to, a man. Just be you, be out there, and you will meet men who will desire you. I would much rather you adopt an attitude of, “Hey men, sell yourself to me. Show me what you have that I want.” Let him prove to you that he is worthy of having you in his life.
4. Men will mislead. I have had hundreds if not thousands of single men in my office over the years, and you know what they have told me? That they are dirty dogs!!! They have told me that they will say or do anything for sex, especially on the front end of a relationship when they are not emotionally involved. They have also told me that if women knew how filthy they are with their thoughts and desires, they wouldn’t have anything to do with men. They literally clean themselves up behaviorally in order to attain a woman. (When I read this answer to my husband, he nodded his head in agreement.)
5. Create a policy for yourself to be healthy in dating relationships. The reason I wrote the Rules for Romantic Self-Protection back in 1996 was because of my many dating failures. I kept getting dumped, shed many tears, and decided I needed a game plan to stay healthy while dating. Upon analysis of my relationship patterns, I found that if I had sex with a man too soon, before the relationship had legs, I would get emotionally involved, connect, and start forming a bond. Then, when he decided it was a no-go it would take me three months to recover from it. To avoid needless emotional turmoil, I decided that it was not wise for me to have sex until I knew for sure that we’d be seeing each other for a while. If you are the type that gets attached when you have sexual intercourse, then you might want to wait to have sex with people who are solid and respectful, and who won’t disappear the next day. This is emotional and sexual self-care. So take a look at your patterns, figure out what doesn’t work, and fix it.
6. The Law of Most Effort. In 1997 I interviewed Men are from Mars guru, John Gray about being single, and what he said helped a lot in the development of my stance on women, sex, and dating. He had just released a book for singles in 1997 called, “Venus and Mars on a Date,” and explained that if women give men sex without having to do much work for it, such as very little romance and wooing and time put in to attaining her affection, then the woman is teaching him that he will also have to put in little effort in the relationship overall. “If a man has to earn his way into a woman’s heart and bed, then he will know he has to work to keep the woman in his life,” he said. I found that to be profound.

I hope answering this question helped Ms. Anonymous. Where there is a woman asking a question like that, there are millions more just like her, who believe that they must go outside their value system and do things they don’t really want to do in order to have a relationship, and to that, I say, hell no. In our culture, too many women do not use their immense power to attract and orchestrate the type of relationship they long for – one where the man adores and respects her and makes her a priority.

Fear of losing the guy syndrome: Should I have sex if I am really not ready to?

A blog reader recently sent me this:

“I read about your Rules for Romantic Self-Protection advice on your web site’s section for singles, and one of the rules was; “No sex before commitment is mutually expressed”.

When I express this concept to guys I’m dating, they often say “Sex is a very important part in a relationship. And I can’t give you the commitment of a relationship unless I know I am sexually compatible with my partner.”

When I explained that waiting gives us more time to build up love and respect, they say, “I have so much respect for you, and I do not calculate or keep track of when, how soon, or how many dates it takes for you to have sex with me, and then use that to measure how much respect I have for you. Women do that. That is just not how men think”.

I don’t know what to think or do this situation. I feel like if I don’t give in, then I am halting the relationship to go any further.”

Signed, Anonymous

Here is what I said:

Dear Anonymous,

Let’s discuss the subject of having sexual intercourse with a man early in a relationship, and my six concepts that go along with that:

1. Stick to your boundaries. Ask yourself, what do I want to do? If you are not ready for sex for whatever reason, don’t do it. When being true to yourself, use yourself and your feelings as the compass, not what other people want. If a man won’t respect your sexual boundary (I intentionally use the word won’t instead of can’t), then what he is telling you is: My sex life is more important than the sexual boundary you have set for yourself.” That is a huge red flag, my dear. A man who truly respects and cares about you as the human being you are, as opposed to a sexual object he would like to conquer, will do whatever it takes to win a commitment of steady dating from you. Don’t allow yourself to be pushed or pressured.

2. Dating is no big deal. A dating commitment that designates romantic exclusivity does not mean we will marry that person, so dating someone for a while is not the big deal some women seem to make of it. All it means is — let ‘s test drive us for a bit to see if we are compatible. Sex can come sooner, later or never in that scenario, it’s your decision. If a man is serious about you, he will allow you to set your own rhythm and pace in the relationship.

3. Be in your power in relationships. When you say, “I feel like if I don’t give in, then I am halting the relationship to go any further,” it tells me that you do not value yourself, as you are considering betraying you so that a man can have his sex in the timeframe he wants it, and with most men, that timeframe is very short. I have news for you, women are the power in the relationship, we are the ones who decide if it will proceed. Without us, there is no relationship. No need to change for, or sell yourself to, a man. Just be you, be out there, and you will meet men who will desire you without having to bend and morph into who they want you to be. I would much rather you adopt an attitude of, “Hey men, sell yourself to me. Show me what you have that I want.” Let him prove to you that he is worthy of having you in his life.

4. Men will mislead. I have had hundreds if not thousands of single men in my office over the years, and you know what they have told me? That they are dirty dogs!!! They have told me that they will say or do anything for sex, especially on the front end of a relationship when they are not emotionally involved. They have also told me that if women knew how filthy they are with their thoughts and desires, they wouldn’t have anything to do with men. They literally clean themselves up behaviorally in order to attain a woman. (When I read this answer to my husband, he nodded his head in agreement.)

5. Create a policy for yourself to be healthy in dating relationships. The reason I wrote the Rules for Romantic Self-Protection back in 1996 was because of my many dating failures. I kept getting dumped, shed many tears, and decided I needed a game plan to stay healthy while dating. Upon analysis of my relationship patterns, I found that if I had sex with a man too soon, before the relationship had legs, I would get emotionally involved, connect, and start forming a bond. Then, when he decided it was a no-go it would take me three months to recover from it. To avoid needless emotional turmoil, I decided that it was not wise for me to have sex until I knew for sure that we’d be seeing each other for a while. If you are the type that gets attached when you have sexual intercourse, then you might want to wait to have sex with people who are solid and respectful, and who won’t disappear the next day. This is emotional and sexual self-care. Take a look at your patterns, figure out what doesn’t work, and fix it.

6. The Law of Most Effort. In 1997 I interviewed Men are from Mars guru, John Gray about being single, and what he said helped a lot in the development of my stance on women, sex, and dating. He had just released a book for singles in 1997 called, “Venus and Mars on a Date,” and explained that if women give men sex without having to do much work for it, such as very little romance and wooing and time put in to attaining her affection, then the woman is teaching him that he will also have to put in little effort in the relationship overall. “If a man has to earn his way into a woman’s heart and bed, then he will know he has to work to keep the woman in his life,” he said. I found that to be profound.

I hope answering this question helped Ms. Anonymous. Where there is a woman asking a question like that, there are millions more just like her, who believe that they must go outside their value system and do things they don’t really want to do in order to have a relationship, and to that, I say, hell no. In our culture, too many women do not use their immense power to attract and orchestrate the type of relationship they long for — one where the man adores and respects her and makes her a priority, just the way she is.