Why we need new ways to marry and divorce.
Old friends are getting together again after 30 years; what a tale my friend told about her 35-year unhappy marriage and her decision not to divorce. Photo: Becky Whetstone.
We’ve all heard of common-law marriage, a “legally recognized marriage between two people who have not purchased a marriage license or had their marriage solemnized by a ceremony.” [1] Eight states recognize this phenomenon in the United States, and if the couple breaks up, they have to go through a legal divorce like everyone else.

But have you ever heard of common law divorce? I hadn’t until my friend from San Antonio, Em, who has been married 35 years, told me she is in one …

“Thirty years ago, I coined that phrase,” she said. “I told Ryan I was going to move into a condo in Austin, and I was done with our marriage, but I didn’t have the energy to go through divorce because I was mentally depressed and exhausted. ‘You file if you want,’ I said, ‘I don’t care.’”

Ryan never filed for divorce, but he did protest, got angry, and even cried, she says. Em doesn’t know why he didn’t divorce her, but some people are so against it that they’ll endure the seemingly impossible to avoid it.

Or, they are happy enough the way they are and don’t want to divide up their stuff and go through one of life’s messiest experiences. Maybe they hope their spouse will come around one day. People’s reasons for staying in a marriage that provides them little satisfaction always amaze me, but what is acceptable for one person differs from the next.

They are still married in one of the most interesting marital situations I have ever heard of. They were separated for three years, living totally apart, then living together, sometimes romantically or sometimes not. They had a child 20 years ago, a long overdue dream for Em, and that has put them in the same location for years, for better or worse. Today, Em reports their relationship has been platonic for a long time, but they’re family and companions.

It caused me to ponder that maybe couples could be more creative in working through the highs and lows of their lives together. Maybe there are more than just three choices when a family is in crisis: either a broken marriage followed by divorce, working on a failing marriage, which takes a lot of dedication, time, and work, or separation and common-law divorce. To do it like Em and Ryan, it would take two special people who could give each other space and freedom to leave and come back throughout various stages over the years. Ryan’s ego had to have been such that it wasn’t defined by his wife going outside the marriage to get sexually satisfied, not to say it didn’t hurt. Could you do that?

During her fed-up and wandering years, Em considered herself divorced, even though she wasn’t. Her husband Ryan was a physician and workaholic who enjoyed his new-age Bible church and working out on weekends. It was his devotion to these things and marital neglect that drove them to common-law divorce in the first place. Though Em has no idea whether he has seen women on the side or not, they don’t talk about it.

“We’re still together because Ryan lets me do whatever the hell I want,” she says. ‘It’s trickier if you don’t have the luxury of two homes,” she says, acknowledging her husband’s high income. He also has been willing to support her separate lifestyle. She compares their situation to other, more common ones. “I’ve had several friends who have gotten divorced and then remarried the same spouse. We avoided the financial and emotional headaches and heartache of Texas law and the divorce process and just worked through it.”

Em has always done everything in her own way, and I hadn’t seen her in decades when she flew to Arkansas recently to see the eclipse. Em found out Arkansas would have clear skies when the moon crossed over the sun and caught a plane from cloudy Austin to see it. She messaged me to see if I was available to catch up.

That’s the kind of person she is—fun, spontaneous, and sort of a minor league jet setter who travels wherever on a moment’s notice. I remember 25 years ago when she flew to Florida and other places to hang out like a groupie with her favorite rock bands for months at a time, obviously during her common law divorce period. Whereas most people conform too much to our culture, Em doesn’t conform at all.

Memories of the past.

The last time I saw her and Ryan, I was on a sailboat in the Caribbean in 1993 with my kid’s dad and another couple. I recall all three wives looking out at the crystal blue waters and griping about their lonely marriages to busy surgeons who put close to zero effort into their relationships. For me, the only one with children, it was near the end of the line, and we’d part ways within months. Thirty years later, the other two couples are still together, though they’ve had to be creative to make it. There have been children born, affairs, and spouses looking the other way and doing their own thing, but never a formal divorce or legal document at all. I could never live that way, but I want to understand how some people can.

“I was already having affairs when we were on the trip,” said Em. “All Ryan cares about — then and now — is being Dr. Ryan, the surgeon. I begged, pleaded, for him to come to engage with me, and he never did.”

It always boils down to the unresponded-to angry and anguished pleas for a marriage to be different. Almost everyone in an unhappy marriage does it, and almost no one wakes up at that point and changes enough for the marital relationship to be saved or returned to health.

Momma said.

My mom used to tell me when I was young that a popular belief was that a lot of doctors’ wives were alcoholics because their husbands were never home, an old, inaccurate stereotype, of course. Knowing what I know now, I’d say it’d be more likely for spouses of physicians to medicate themselves because of how their partners act when they’re home.

A significant number of surgeons are egomaniacs who act like spoiled and entitled little boys and girls accustomed to the staff running around trying to please them, and add to that, they’re exhausted, mostly left-brained, invulnerable, and entirely unevolved relationally. The ones I have known personally and in my practice mostly allow their careers to dominate and prioritize every aspect of their lives while their families take second place and wait for a few crumbs of time. Em gave up waiting and did what many people do when they realize their partner won’t be relational: give up and focus on their own happiness.

Do we have to divorce?

I hate everything about divorce. It is a toxic reality that is rarely handled with maturity and decency. And this is what happens when one person in a couple says, “I don’t want to be with you anymore.” Isn’t there another way it can be done, a timeout taken, or the process slowed, so that people don’t suffer as much as they do now? I sincerely wonder.

When a couple doesn’t have children, it can be a good idea and the best way for two people who made a mistake to cut the line and go their separate ways, and I can see that, but it still doesn’t have to be nasty. How do we remove the nasty in all types of divorces? Has Em found a way? Is there another way we haven’t even thought of yet?

Those without children will likely recover from divorce and not feel the ongoing chronic pain and guilt that comes when couples with children split up. When it comes to those with children, though, dividing marital property, paying child support, dealing with child custody, and sometimes paying spousal support are the things that rip at a person’s primal survival instincts, exposing raw emotions and activated nervous systems that cause us to act as our worst selves.

Traditional marriage came about long ago, and its purpose wasn’t for love; it was more for two families joining in melding wealth, property, and other practical survival reasons. When the tide turned and people began to marry for love in the 18th and 19th centuries, they didn’t live as long as we do now, so the average marriage then might have lasted 20 to 30 years. I sometimes wonder if marriage itself doesn’t need a more realistic redesign or change in expectations because it is so hard to maintain love, respect, romance, desire, fidelity, and even friendship over 40, 50, 60, and more years together.

My former brother-in-law was a cynic and had an idea … he believed marriage licenses should be renewable every five years. At the end of five years, either person could walk away, no questions asked.

“Because renewal time is coming up, I’d bet each person would put in a lot of effort in the fourth and fifth years,” he laughed. Even then, decades ago, I knew he was right.

Looking for change.

Perhaps a marriage might work better if it became more of a commitment ceremony rather than the entangling legal business agreement it is. A couple would work out a general outline of property division and child custody agreements should they part before having children or acquiring things together in a more detailed prenuptial agreement when each person is full of positive regard for the other and eager to get along.

Em and Ryan are doing marriage their way, and it works for them, though I imagine neither one of them is getting exactly what they want … is it ever possible to get most of what you want in marriage over the lifespan? Maybe not.

Em says the messier part of their estrangement was years ago; now they’re companions, and though she threatens to leave again, “Once in a blue moon,” she says. They’re settled into life together as co-parents and an amicably estranged couple. Interesting.

“We are now common law divorced, divorced without the paperwork in my mind,” she says, even though they are back to living together. “We’re fine now, though, and I’m not looking for an out anymore.”

I mentioned the concept of common law divorce to a friend and colleague, a fellow marriage therapist who happens to be religious. He was adamantly opposed and very passionately against it; he’s been divorced twice and married three times, but he remains a traditionalist.

“What about family,” he said. “What happens to us without a legal marriage ceremony and a marriage certificate?”

My argument is that up until now, we have been a mess with it, and maybe we’d be a mess without it. Certainly, some common-law couples are fully committed but never legally married and seem to thrive that way. The percentage of truly happy couples who are legally married is very low, around 12 percent, so isn’t there something else we can devise that is more family-friendly, more amenable to happiness, something more flexible?

After seeing all the pain and suffering that comes with unhappy marriages, the misery of a traditional divorce, the ugliness that takes place in family court, the inability or unwillingness of divorce attorneys to think in terms of what is in the best interest of a family as a whole, and what it all does to children, I’d like to see some cultural shifts.

Let’s make it much more difficult to get married and create a process where a marriage license is earned by completing an associate’s college degree in marriage and family over a length of time, like a minimum of two years. During this time, couples would learn what it is to be a healthy adult and what it is to have a healthy relationship with a spouse, child, and their biological family. We could also make it much easier to divorce once a couple completes a managed waiting period and meets the qualifications for an amicable parting. Perhaps people going nasty in divorce would lose their rights for equal division of children and property. There has to be a price to pay, such as loss of legal rights, that would discourage any person from engaging in adversarial divorce tactics.

What we are doing now hurts families. Em’s unique marriage and way of ultimately keeping her family together are certainly not for everyone, and there aren’t that many Ryans out there who would allow a spouse such freedom while also underwriting their independent lifestyle. Had she been a career woman and supported herself, would it have been more acceptable to naysayers? I wonder.

The bottom line is that people can orchestrate whatever type of marriage or commitment they want. They can also legally separate or not, however they choose. I am for thinking outside the box and for removing the massive suffering that comes from an unhappy marriage and the ugly that often comes with breaking up domestic partnerships. Surely, we can find better, healthier ways to do all these things.

[1] https://www.ncsl.org/human-services/common-law-marriage-by-state

Check out my new ebook on marriage crisis and how to know if you need to separate. It also includes a plan for an amicable divorce.

We’ve got lots of news and exciting things going on in the relationship realm … so I’m preparing to send out a regular newsletter with the best relationship advice on the planet. To get on my email list, click here.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the YouTube Call Your Mother Relationship Show and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on the Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.

A relationship problem child says they’re never to blame.

When it comes to couples and family therapy, a therapist works hard to be fair. Still, as I often say, marital or family problems are sometimes primarily due to one person’s unreasonable outlook, inability to discern reality accurately, and immature thinking and behavior. Over the years, I have witnessed some pretty shameless, cringeworthy, verbal and emotional abuse and toxic behaviors from all sorts of family members — adult siblings, parents, grown children, and spouses, and in every single case, the person has felt their behavior toward others was reasonable and justified. It’s difficult to wrap your mind around the mind that sincerely thinks being snarky, sarcastic, cruel, and contemptuous is okay.

People perceive things completely differently. I hear different versions of stories and try to sort through the finger-pointing and blame game to get somewhere close to the truth. I care less about the details than the patterns of behavior. It really helps that sometimes a client will act nasty toward me or in front of me or say something that is impossibly outrageous, and then they’re busted; I’ve seen what they’re capable of, and they’re on my radar as a potentially unhealthy relationship problem child. In many cases, these types have a mental health condition that is finite and unfixable, like autism or intellectual disabilities. At least one in ten people is wired with one or more of these impossible-to-get-along-with conditions we call personality disorders, so unless you live in an isolated mountain cabin where no one is around, avoiding them in life won’t happen.

My personal life strategy utilizes self-protective defenses to get away from people like that as soon as I figure out what’s happening, but they’re unavoidable in my work. I will step in the ring and go toe-to-toe with these obnoxious folk if I have to, trying whatever way I can to get them to understand that their way of thinking and behaving in relationships doesn’t work, but the chances I’ll be successful are bleak. Every statement I or anyone else makes that hones in on a problem is seen as an attack or affront, as inaccurate, and the messenger is perceived as defective. It is beyond sad that there is a group of people out there who are incapable of having any humility about their part in dysfunction and cannot self-reflect in a way that sheds any negative light on any part of who they are.

As Dr. Phil said at least 10,000 times, you can’t change what you won’t acknowledge, and therein lies the rub with a relationship-problem child. I remember when it was a difficult thing to admit that there were things about me that were not ideal for myself or a relationship. I had personality quirks and dysfunctional behaviors that needed to be toned down or eliminated. My self-esteem and ability to set boundaries were on the floor; my critical inner voice was working overtime, and my entire perspective about who I was needed an overhaul. It was my toxic shame rearing its ugly head, the underlying belief that I was defective and something was wrong with me. The way it works is that the idea of outing myself as less than or flawed in any way gave me the urge to run and hide in a hole. In time and with encouragement from wonderful therapists, I took ownership of these things and could laugh about them instead of wanting to crawl away if anyone mentioned them. It’s a process of growing yourself up so you can face the things you need to face and even talk openly about them without shame. A person with narcissistic tendencies, like I had, and not the personality disorder itself, can correct and come out of it. People with the actual disorder cannot.

The Most Common Pattern Among Couples.

Criticism, defensiveness, speaking to another person with contempt, or shutting down and refusing to talk are all toxic traits and predictors of divorce, according to relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman (1), who is every marriage therapist’s go-to for information on what works in relationships and what doesn’t. These unhealthy behaviors are so destructive that no one should ever do them in any relationship of any kind. Yet, almost every romantic partner does at least a few until they learn not to.

Here’s an example of how these play out in a typical couple’s conversation:

Harry: Once again, you are late. You care nothing about anyone else. (criticism)

Sally: I might be on time if I didn’t have to do everything around here. You sit on your ass and do nothing and blame me for being late. (Criticism, plus, now we have a tit-for-tat pattern forming) .

Harry: I do nothing? What a joke! I bought the house you wanted. I work like a dog and pay for everything. (defensive).

Sally: So I don’t work? I don’t make money? (defensive)

Harry: (Now seething) You make such a little bit of dough that it almost doesn’t count. Why don’t you just shut up? You’re disgusting me with how you don’t appreciate anything I do, and frigging won’t be on time. (contempt)

Sally: (Showing a rageful facial expression, she storms out of the room. She won’t speak to and avoids Harry for two days. — stonewalling).

The first step to getting what you want in a relationship is to be kind, soft, gentle, and respectful in the way that you ask. I always tell clients, “Think spring breeze, not hurricane wind, kitten, not wildcat.” We have to control the intensity of our tone and voice and present a safe, non-threatening playing field for interaction. If you are the type of person who is a marital stormtrooper, who barnstorms conversations, accuses, throws back a tit for every tat, uses sarcasm, rolls your eyes, raises your voice, slams doors, punches walls, runs off, shuts down, pouts, or chases your partner when they’re trying to get away, then you may indeed be the relationship problem child.

I explain all this, describe the pattern of behaviors above to hundreds of couples, and teach them skills to respond in a healthier way that works, but not all of them will be able to do it. For the relationship problem child, once their blood pressure goes up and they go into the fight, flight, or freeze response, it’s off to the races … even though they know not to give in to their urge to do damage. They have been told to take a time out when their nervous system activates and to calm themselves down before engaging again. Making sure you are calm when interacting allows people to access their best, most functional selves, where adult conversations can occur.

If you go to a therapist who teaches you skills on how to communicate like adults, and for whatever reason, fail to begin implementing the new ideas and ways of doing things, and there is zero progress over a significant period of time, and we know you know better; then you may have mental problems that can’t be fixed, making you, most definitely, the relationship-problem child.

I can’t tell you how many texts I get from spouses who tell me their partner went off the rails again, and my heart sinks every time. A rocky relationship is fixable if neither partner has a personality disorder. If someone has the disorder, it doesn’t always end the marriage, but the partner who has to deal with it must learn iron-clad boundaries, have the patience of Job, and be very tolerant.

Do you blame others for your negative feelings when it is really about your poor relationship with yourself?

I listen to spouses blaming their partners for their unhappiness daily. Unless you are a truly innocent victim, like if someone came in and slugged you in the face for no reason, blaming is considered to be one of the most emotionally immature acts a human can engage in. We are responsible for our own needs and managing our happiness at the end of the day; our spouse will never be able to meet all the many things we want within the relationship. I can request that my husband change his behavior, but he has the right to say no. If requests are reasonable, we should all do them; however, that’s what marriage is. When any person says no to a request or doesn’t follow through, we must figure out how to attain inner peace and be content without the other person’s participation. Waiting around to be happy in romantic relationships until the day your partner changes is a fool’s game.

The pattern I showed you above happens because people have toxic shame, which I also mentioned above. This means that they don’t feel good enough and hide that underneath their persona and facade of pleasing, perfection, overachieving, or whatever it is. Until that is resolved, the person will likely take things personally and be unable to hear any complaints without activating their nervous system.

Couples coming in for the first time tell me they can’t communicate. I already know what’s going on … because if your partner explodes or has an extreme reaction when you broach sensitive subjects, it won’t be long until you decide not to bring things up anymore. Now you can’t communicate, nothing gets worked out or resolved, and the spouse who can’t get their needs met sits back and emotionally dies on the vine.

If human beings had solid ego strength and felt they were good enough and worthy as a starting point, they could better withstand the requests and complaints that always come when more than two people interact, work, or live together. Think about it: if you’re certain of your worth and accept that you’re imperfect, then you can better weather your partner’s requests for a change without taking it personally.

The good news is that almost everyone can heal their toxic shame, which may be the most worthwhile psychological endeavor an adult can engage in. I have worked on this in my own life and one day concluded that though I am human, flawed, and a mistake-maker, like everyone else, I am okay with and accept who I am. This is the healthy way to look at yourself. If you could do one thing to help you be a healthier communicator, friend, and family member, it would be getting to that place. If you’re okay with your flaws and all, you can also receive requests for behavior adjustments, complaints, and gripes without becoming defensive.

Thanks to something I learned at a conference about 15 years ago, I have found a way to respond to people’s complaints, criticisms, and things they are exasperated with about me and the ambiguous things that could be taken either way: I agree with them or tell my truth, whichever is needed. Notice there is not a shred of defensiveness involved.

“Becky, you work too much.” “Yes, I probably do. I really enjoy doing it.”

“Becky, your car is always a mess.” “Yes, I struggle with that.”

“Becky, did you see my text? I have been waiting to hear from you.” “No, I don’t look at my texts except every now and then.” (In this case, I am letting them know the kind of person I am and the kind of person I am is not glued to my phone. By the way, no one has to meet anyone’s expectations of how quickly a person should respond to a text.)

“Hey, lady, did you see how badly you parked your car?” “Wow, I sure did. Shame on me, that’s terrible. Thanks for pointing it out.”

We’d make rapid progress if I could get my clients to do that. It’s a good thing when a person can look within and take ownership of their part of their relational mess, but the defensive blamer can’t, or won’t, do that. These people will die on the hill of doing no wrong because their ego is so fragile that maintaining the facade of being good and perfect is what their identity is built on, and it’s fragile scaffolding, indeed. If a person’s self-worth is built on the quicksand of being seen as never wrong, the self will cease to exist if they are wrong, and they’ll mentally and emotionally disintegrate. If you or your partner are in the 10 percent of humans who cannot look within, who will blame another for their unhappiness, and cannot see it any other way, then your relationship problems won’t see real change, and the one who can’t be wrong is likely the relationship-problem child.

Bottomless buckets of need.

We’ve all heard of needy people and may have encountered a few along the way. These people have no problem telling you what they want and need, but the problem is that no matter how much you give, it won’t be enough.

I remember my dad frequently telling me that he didn’t feel loved, and being his teenage child, I would say, “But you are very loved. I love you very much.” And he’d say, “But I don’t feel it.” This “Yes-but-I-don’t-feel-it” conversation could have gone on for hours if I had stuck around. I soon realized that he could never feel topped off in his departments of need, and it wasn’t because he wasn’t loved; it was because he couldn’t feel the love. I wasn’t even a therapist then and I knew there was something wrong with him, and he was most definitely the chief relationship-problem child in our family.

Chronically empty people are obsessed with the search for their own happiness and finding complete, all-encompassing love. Also known as emotional vampires, they play several roles, says psychiatrist Judith Orloff. (2) The Victim, like my dad, evidenced by the hundreds of stories he told about how no one ever cared. The narcissistic it’s-all-about-me-person who demands to be the center of attention, The control freak who mows down others with their need to orchestrate everything, and the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde who gets that you love them one second, then switches channels to “But I don’t feel it.”

Any person who requires someone else’s actions to complete what and how they feel is a relationship-problem child.

You might be a relationship-problem child if …

Years ago, comedian Jeff Foxworthy came up with a hilarious bit called, “You might be a redneck if …” He would fill in the blanks with hilarious things rednecks do to save money, recycle things lying around the house to repurpose, and on and on. Borrowing from him, I have created my own list of red flags that will help you identify if you or your partner may be the relationship problem child:

You might be your relationship’s problem child if …

• You think you are the epitome of how people ought to be.
• You look down in a judgy stance toward others.
• You think you have the right to tell your partner how they should think, feel, and what they should do.
• You think your partner’s complaints about you are ridiculous and do not take them seriously.
• You think your relationship could be fixed if only your partner would do what you want,
• You think it’s all about you.
• You think you can figure out anything and everything yourself. You have difficulty asking for expert help, so you won’t go for marriage therapy when your partner asks you to.
• You worry about being taken advantage of in every personal, business, or romantic relationship.
• You believe that if you’ve never seen or experienced it, it doesn’t exist.
• You have trouble believing anyone has good intentions.
• You don’t trust your partner, even though they’ve done nothing you know of to betray your trust.
• You project who you are onto your partner. For example, if you lie and cheat, you assume they do, too.
• Whatever isn’t working in your relationship is your partner’s fault.
• You have been described as high maintenance.
• You put expectations on others without their agreement.
• You do not know why your partner is so angry with you.

I wish I had better news, but I am sad to report that many people out there deal with people like this, whether it is a partner, sibling, parent, child, or someone at work, and I want to validate how difficult it is. A good relationship with them is impossible; not all problems have solutions. A toxic relationship is tough to endure over the long haul, and an unhealthy partner or family member will wear anyone down over time.

If you see yourself in this conversation, you can learn skills to be better. Your perspective probably won’t change that much, but you can learn how to take care of yourself and minimize damage to others.

(1) Fowler, C., & Dillow, M. R. (2011). Attachment Dimensions and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Communication Research Reports, 28(1), 16–26. https://doi.org/10.1080/08824096.2010.518910

(2) Orloff, Judith. Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the YouTube Call Your Mother Relationship Show and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on the Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.