45 Things to Ask Before You Get Married: A marriage therapist’s questions for finding lasting love.

Here is my post on Medium – please go there and follow me for the latest relationship information!

To marry or not, and who to marry, are some the biggest decisions of your life. Why not take your time and do all you can to make sure it’s right?

 

Whether to get married or not is one of life’s biggest decisions, and in my opinion fewer people should do it. Why? Because too many men and women aren’t cut out for it, and their bad decision to do it anyway affects a lot of people in negative ways. The part that’s unforgivable is bringing children into it. Luckily, it seems like my wish of a more discerning singles population is coming true, a Pew Research analysis of 2019 census data tells us that four in 10 Americans (38%) between age 25 to 54 live alone without a partner, compared to 29 percent in 1990. (1) This is the best news I’ve had all year. Maybe watching your parent’s terrible union had a positive effect? Also, it is no longer true that one who does not get married is viewed as an undesirable as it was in my day. At long last the choice to remain single is respected.

Still, there is nothing as satisfying as a solid marriage, and nothing worse than a bad one. To have a great marriage, it takes two mature, mentally and emotionally healthy people who are prepared to do the give and take a great relationship takes. I find that people mature enough to do this are few and far between.

But you can change all that. To encourage partnership choices that have the best potential, I have created a list of important questions to consider. Hopefully this list is not like others you may have seen. As a marriage therapist and marriage crisis specialist, I have dealt with every issue imaginable, and a lot of the list of questions comes from subjects that couples I have worked with tangle over. In my opinion, the divorce rate would plummet if people would treat the marriage choice like their life depends on it. The decision should be made slowly and thoughtfully, and do I really need to explain that marrying someone you know isn’t right with the hope you can change them is a fool’s game? When I ask clients about this, they often admit they noticed at least one red flag before marriage, but threw themselves on the matrimony alter anyway, hoping the person might change. Hey, if you are planning to spend the rest of your life with someone, please spend more times vetting partners than you do selecting a box of cereal. The reasons people chose to marry the person they did are often the very reasons that set them up for future divorce; “She was hot.” “He had a great job.” “He was survivalist.” “She was going to move if I didn’t marry her.” “She got pregnant.”

Another consideration is the ticking biological clock that often creates a sense of urgency, especially in women. I would have hoped that in this age we could freeze eggs or go ahead and have a child without being married rather than settle for an incompatible man (or woman) to marry and have a child with. I have news for you, you can do better. The person you marry comes as is. You should not expect to control or change them, and that’s what dating is for, to see if you want to sign up with a person just the way they are. Of course, most people will grow and change over the life span, and we can’t predict in what ways, so make sure you are the type of person who can be flexible with your spouse’s inevitable metamorphosis. Now, as a public service, here is a list of 45 essential questions to explore before choosing a future spouse.

  1. Do you want to have children? If you do, don’t marry someone who doesn’t, and don’t tell yourself the lie that you can convert them into wanting to. When discussing the number of children, I suggest a ballpark number, because once you have kids and see how hard it is that number will probably go down. Is the number of children you hope to have flexible? If you are unable to have a biological child, would you be willing to undergo fertility treatments or adopt?
  2. Finances. Do each of you make enough money to support yourselves without a partner? This would be the healthiest financial stance for any potential couple. Why? It’s okay to have your spouse support you, but you need to able to support yourself without them just in case. One adult being dependent on another presents all sorts of problems. It takes super-solid individuals to be able to have one person stay at home while the other works without it causing power and control issues, and not that many people can pull that off. Other financial issues to consider are, would you be willing to purchase a substantial life insurance policy to protect your loved ones? Do you keep your bank account in the black? what’s your attitude about debt? Are you okay if your partner wants to handle their money completely differently? Will you be transparent in allowing your spouse to know your finances and will they be transparent with you? Will you combine money or keep separate accounts, each contributing to the household?
  3. Sex. You knew this was coming. What are your sexual preferences? Are you mostly vanilla or do you like a lot of sprinkles and syrups? What type of sexual relationship do you envision as ideal? Do you have the maturity to be okay on those days, weeks or months your spouse doesn’t feel like it? Can you be flexible over the lifespan as sexual interest ebbs and flows? Would you seek medical treatment and potentially take medications or undergo procedures if something physical came up that affect being sexual?
  4. Bio family. If you marry, would your partner put you first, over their extended family members? Does their family practice appropriate boundaries and mind their own business? Would they be supportive of your relationship? What are your biological family’s expectations of you as a couple? Are you willing to set firm boundaries with them if necessary?
  5. Career. Will one or both of you have a career? Have you discussed career goals? Will you stay in balance with your work, avoiding workaholism? Do you believe one person’s career is more important than the other? If one of you wants to quit work, to raise kids, go to school, take a break, would you be willing to support them? If you have children and must take them to the doctor, who will leave work to do so? Who will take the day off to nurse a sick child?
  6. Work ethic. If your family requires a two-person income to live a solid middle class lifestyle, are you willing to pull your weight to make it happen? If either one of you lose your job, will you find something, anything, to help until you can find something new?
  7. Tidiness. Is one of you obsessive about cleanliness and everything having a place? Will you be able to lovingly live with a partner who is not that way? Would you inflict your tidy and cleanliness needs on them? If you are messy, are you willing to be more mindful of who that affects others?
  8. Holidays. Some people have strong family traditions. Would you be willing to spend every major holiday with either you or your partner’s family? Would you be willing to take turns, or would you prefer to have your own holiday, just the two of you? What kind of birthday, holiday traditions are appointment to you? Are there any holiday or birthday traditions you reject?
  9. Spiritual practice. Religious beliefs are highly personal. Does either one of you have a strong spiritual or religious stance? Is it important for your spouse to practice the way you do? Would you want to raise children in your religion? Is it okay with you if you practice religion or spirituality while your spouse does not?
  10. Pets. Does one of you have, or want to have, pets? Anyone allergic to pets? Are you both okay with having indoor pets? Would you let your pet sleep in your bed? Do you believe in responsible pet ownership that includes medical care and not surrendering your animal for any reason? If you have pets, who will feed and take care of them?
  11. Politics. The nation has become viciously divided, and so have many couples and families who have different views on political issues. Do you have similar or opposing beliefs? Do you require a potential partner to have the same political beliefs as you? Can you be fine with a partner who dislikes almost everything you believe in?
  12. Sports. Does one of you like to watch or play sports anytime you can, including golf, football, tennis, soccer, hunting, fishing, etc. Do you believe you are balanced in your love of participating in or watching sports? If you are obsessed with watching or participating in sports, is your partner okay with that? If you are a hunter and feel you must be able to go away from your family every weekend during hunting season, does your spouse support that? Are you willing to compromise?
  13. Firearms. What are your beliefs about firearms? Would you have firearms in your home? Would they be loaded? What safety precautions would you take?
  14. Music. Do you share similar taste in music? Would you insist on playing your music even if your spouse abhors it? What kind of music drives you crazy? Can you find music that both of you enjoy?
  15. Health. Do you believe in taking care of yourself? Do you do it? Do you get regular health maintenance like checkups, dentist visits, vaccinations? Do you care if your spouse does? Do you think exercise and weight management is important? If you experience health problems would you do all you can to resolve them?
  16. Alcohol. Do you drink? If you do, do you do it in balance? Do you care if your partner drinks? If drinking becomes a problem in your life, would you get help?
  17. Birth Control. Do you believe both partners are responsible for birth control? As a spouse, would you be willing to use birth control? If you decide to not have any more children, would either of you be willing to take permanent measures to end fertility?
  18. Boundaries with exes. Do you have solid boundaries with the mother or father of your children, keeping your previous relationship all business concerning child wellbeing and logistics? Do you believe it is okay to remain friends and sometimes do things together? What about your former in-laws?
  19. Crazy exes. Crazy vindictive exes exist and can bring down a relationship that otherwise would have flourished. If your potential partner is constantly going back to court to battle and their former love enjoys making life miserable for them, you might think twice before signing up.
  20. Saving. Do you believe in setting a certain amount of money aside for retirement? Do you have a plan for that? Are you okay if you want to save and your spouse does not?
  21. Worry, anxiety and mental health. One of the biggest shocks I’ve experienced as a therapist is seeing how nervous, fearful, anxious, phobic, or paranoid so many people are. The constant obsessive thinking drains energy, breaks down health, and relationships. These things are highly fixable with trauma therapy and sometimes, medications. If you have this issue, would you be willing to do everything in your power to overcome it?
  22. Personality. One of the few things in life that can’t be changed. If you don’t like characteristics of your partner’s personality, decide if they are deal breakers. I am extroverted and a walking exclamation mark, my husband is introverted and loves quiet, and it works, mainly because he is incredibly accepting and tolerant. Can you be tolerant of your partner’s personality differences, or do you want them to be like you, or different than they are? Can you accept them as is, without hope for change?
  23. Growth and evolution. The world is full of seekers and non-seekers. Which one are you? Some people are endlessly curious and love learning, growing, and being better. Others are fine with how they are. I have had numerous conversations with distraught spouses married to people who care nothing about evolving. Would this be important to you?
  24. Eating out. Some people want to eat out almost every meal, and sometimes this means fast food. Is that okay with you? What kind of meal traditions are important to you? Do you care about healthy nutrition? Is it okay with you if your spouse does not?
  25. Food. What kinds of foods would you want to keep around the house? Who will be responsible for grocery shopping and cooking?
  26. TV habits. In the age of streaming, enticing television is always available, and it can become addicting. Do you love to spend most free time, in the evening after work, watching TV? Do you think television is a waste of time and should be minimized? Would you like a TV-free household? If you do enjoy watching TV together, does that count as quality time? Are you comfortable with your partner watching TV and knitting, painting, or playing on their phone or tablet?
  27. Phones, tablets, video games. Is your partner in love with their electronic devices? Are you comfortable with the amount of time they spend on these plug-in time consumers? It’s not fair to get married to someone who has a phone glued to their hand and ask them to put it down so you can be comfortable. Work it out prior to marriage.
  28. Past relationships and sexcapades. There are things that are simply asinine to discuss, and one of those is the number of sexual partners your love has had. I strongly suspect people who ask about these sorts of things don’t have good intentions, so unless you can hear a shocking answer and remain nonjudgmental, stay away from it. What you did, who was best, are not discussions any of us should be having. Human beings are sexual animals, and single people should exercise their sexuality however they see fit so long as they do so responsibly. That goes for men and women. If you want to have a lifelong monogamous pact with someone, that is what’s important. Yes, it is possible for someone who enjoyed a robust, single, sexual life to settle down.
  29. Retirement plans. A lot of people I know did not plan for the future and regret it today. If you want to have an adult marriage, you will both want to dedicate yourselves to putting back enough for your senior years. Don’t count on working until you die or inheriting a chunk from Grandmother. Live your lives as if your financial future depends on you, because often, it will.
  30. Emotional maturity. This is a biggie. One of the most common characteristics of emotional immaturity is blaming other people for your unhappiness. Short of things like getting punched in the nose unprovoked, blaming others for your plight in life is highly inappropriate. You are responsible for you and your happiness. People who are mature control and edit themselves and accept responsibility. for how they feel. Adults are willing to delay gratification for a higher reward. They are respectful and conduct themselves in a way that’s conducive to getting along with people. They are solid and grounded. For me, this is a requirement to sign up for a lifetime with someone.
  31. Attachment style. It’s important to know your and your partner’s attachment styles, and to decide whether you are comfortable with them. If not, you have the option to work for change, but it’s a tough journey. Here’s what they are: 1. Avoidant — Keeps people at arm’s length. Often emotionally unavailable. Too much closeness and they pull away while complaining of feeling smothered. 2. Anxious. Anxiety-filled and desperately seek closeness. May feel insecure and need regular reassurance and contact. When paired with an avoidant, they play a game of trying to pull their love closer, only to find they stay for a moment, and pull away. 3. Secure attached. The healthiest attachment style, the secure attached person can give their partner all the space they need or come close, whatever is called for. 4. Disorganized. Unpredictable and volatile in relationships, experience feelings of both avoidant and anxious attachment. If it was me, I would always choose a secure attached partner.
  32. Temperament. Oh, the misery a moody person brings to another. A bad mood can ruin precious moments, and the sad thing is, it’s controllable. Are you and your partner capable of controlling your moods? If not, would you go to a physician and therapist to sort it out? It is each person’s responsibility to bring their best self to the marriage.
  33. Sleep and energy levels. I was raised in a family where sleep was a precious thing, and it was always to be respected. If someone was tired, let them sleep. Other families are more regimented and perceive that sleeping late in the morning and taking naps is a sign of laziness and time-wasting. I personally disagree with this. What are you views on sleeping? Can you get up at the break of dawn and allow your spouse to sleep if they need with no negative repercussions? The healthy stance is to let people be who they are, practice self-care as they need, and to not control or judge them. When it comes to having enough energy to make it through a day, good sleep hygiene, nutrition, being mentally and emotionally healthy are all part of what creates it. Are you willing to arrange your life so that you have as much energy as you need to work and participate in family relationships?
  34. Expectations. Many of my clients expect certain things and raise hell when disappointed. It is not appropriate for any adult to have expectations of another without the other person’s agreement. It’s important for a couple to negotiate expectations in the marriage. You will find many subjects to address as far as that goes right here on this list. Go over it, and mutually agree on what you can. You may not get everything you desire, and if you don’t, you must take care yourself as you would a child who is let down.
  35. Loyalty. Potentially more important than anything else on this list, do you have one another’s back? If someone speaks ill of your love, will you correct them? Will you protect them from your family if your family steps on toes? Will you drop what you’re doing to be there for them if something major befalls? This is one of the biggest bond builders, and knowing your love is solidly in your corner come what may is one of the best feelings there is. Make sure your partner has it.
  36. Friendship. Would you still want to know and be close friends with your partner if they were a different gender? If your attraction is mainly physical, you’re putting your eggs in the wrong basket. It is friendship and the enjoyment of each other’s company that will carry you through to the finish line. All we need is a fondness that feels comfortable, warm, and fuzzy, that no one else but your partner can provide.
  37. Power differentials. Age, beauty, money, education, culture, religion, social background … all these dynamics have power. Marriage therapists know that the wider apart a couple is in power differentials, the more likely the relationship will falter. For example, you are young, they are old; you come from money, they’ve always been poor. You are beautiful, them not so much. He has a doctorate; you have a GED. You are Asian, they are African American. Any sort of discrepancies, differences in each person, will weigh against the relationship over the long term. Not always or in every case, but it should be considered.
  38. Work of marriage. Most people have heard that marriage is work, but they don’t know what that means. It means time, thoughtfulness, self-control, and sacrifice. The book The Five Love Languages (2) is the best book to explain what this means. Physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and gifts. Find out your partner’s love languages and practice them daily. Yes, I said daily.
  39. Sensibilities. Some people are picky and bothered by a lot of things, and others are extremely tolerant of people and their environment. Which do you think is easiest to live with?
  40. Social media. I can’t tell you how many clients complain about their spouse being addicted to their phone, tablet, and social media. And the video games! The question is, how much does your partner do it, and are they able to set these things aside and be there when you need them? If it’s a problem now, I’d take whether they are the person for you under serious consideration.
  41. Debt. My husband teasingly causes Amazon deliveries bankruptcy boxes. That’s funny, but credit cards and financial infidelity are a tremendous issue in marriages, and whether you plan to share cards or have one of your own, will you be transparent with how much unsecured debt you carry? Some spouses want zero credit card debt, would you be on board with that? What’s your philosophy of spending now, paying later?
  42. Vacations. Yes, some couples argue about vacations. Whether to take them, when to take them, how frugal, how fancy? Beach? Snow? The Grand Canyon? Burning Man? Others are homebodies and would prefer never to travel at all. Does your partner have any fears or phobias that prevent them from wanting to travel? What are your ideas and dreams about how family vacation time should be spent?
  43. Vax or no vax? This may have to do with politics, but I have seen a couple who separated because one spouse wouldn’t wear a mask or get vaccinated during the pandemic, and the wife found it so disrespectful that she kicked her husband out. How would you handle such a situation? If you are against vaccinations, can you accept your spouse having a different opinion? Can you respect your partner’s decisions when they are different from yours?
  44. Fighting style. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling are predictors of divorce. In marriages that happily last the long term, the couples tend to laugh things off. Most couples I see are in the first category. I teach couples daily how to settle arguments calmly and respectfully, and how to get to the point where they can laugh things off. It’s a learned skill and you must pay a trauma therapist to teach you how. Knowing what I know, I would insist on that.
  45. Boundaries. Adults have free will to live as they chose, and no one has the right to control them. That’s why I want you to understand that your marriage partner comes, as is. Marriage will involve negotiation, compromise, and sometimes sacrifice. If you have met someone who is controlling and have to have things a certain way, then you need to think long and hard about how that’s going to feel day after day, year after year. We all have the right to make reasonable and respectful requests of our spouses, but they have the right to say no. Also, boundaries include restraining and editing yourself, with friends and family. Is your partner good at that? Do they hold things inside and resent? If so, think again, my friend.

Marriage is tough, and though most of us promise to remain through good times and bad, not everyone really means it. I think you ought to select a mate who does. To me, the difference between marrying a man or woman, or boy or girl, is obvious. One is solid, the other is not. Choose a mate who is solid. Almost all couples who remain married go through droughts and blizzards, and occasionally white-knuckle it. In our throw-away culture, remember this.

The other thing to make note of is, marriage is supposed to enhance your life, not drag you down. If you’re satisfied with the answers to the discussions provided above, and the person you are considering follows up their talk by doing the walk, then, yeah, maybe you have a keeper. In the end, you need certainty that your life will be so much better with this person in it, so much so that you can look yourself in the mirror and say, “Pat, you’re crazy if you don’t marry this person.” The best way to make such a decision is to date a long time, a minimum of 2.5 years, see your partner in every situation. See if they are best friend material and show time and again they have your best interest at heart. Marriage lasts a long, long, long, long time, and by being willing to walk away if the match isn’t right, having an ability to be alone until the right person comes along, then you may well have set yourself up to be rewarded with a relationship that is marriage worthy. At the end of the day, it’s self-care.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas*, and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager® . Sh would love your support with a follow! She has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages, and is also co-host of the Call Your Mother relationship show on You Tube, and has a private practice in Little Rock, Arkansas, and as a life coach via teletherapy. To contact her check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com.

*For licensure verification check Becky Whetstone Cheairs.

(1) https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2021/10/05/rising-share-of-u-s-adults-are-living-without-a-spouse-or-partner/pst_10-05-21_unpartnered_adults-0-5/

(2) Chapman, G. D. (2010). The five love languages. Walker Large Print.

 

Who Had an Affair or Who Files For Divorce Reveals Nothing.

Blaming people in divorce is a fool’s game. No one knows what really happened but the couple themselves.

Placing fault in marriage and divorce is a fool’s game.
Your Marriage Won’t Survive Betrayal Without Therapy.

Thirteen excuses why people won’t seek help, and how to over come them.

Whether this heart stays broken or can be repaired is in your hands. The choices and decisions you make once betrayal is uncovered are the key.

by Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC, SEC

Life situations can be like getting hit by a car, so emotionally and physically painful that you might like to be put into a medically induced coma. Death of a loved one comes to mind, and divorce. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, though, the thing I see that is equally as painful is a partner’s betrayal in a long-term relationship. Sometimes couples come in before an extramarital affair is uncovered, and other times they come in just after, but witnessing such deep pain is not my favorite way to spend an afternoon. The betrayed partner usually feels and acts like someone who has just been in a wreck — in shock, wanting to run but don’t know where to run to. Feeling crazy, even though they aren’t, and entering a state of obsession, fury, injury, and feeling like a fool. Even crazier, the person who they desire comfort and reassurance from is the person who just skewered their heart. They don’t know what to do, but they know to come to marriage therapy.

It is there that hope for a healed marriage and reconciliation can begin. It’s not a short process, but when handled intelligently and finesse by someone who has experience and knows what they’re doing, we know that 75 percent of marriages survive and hopefully go on to a better marriage than they had before. You can’t hope to survive betrayal of trust without getting to the roots of the problems that caused one partner to stray in the first place. Knowing what I know, every marriage in crisis needs a therapist to manage the terrible experience, from start to finish.

Imagine being in that state and not going to a professional counselor. Plenty of people choose that route, and this article is for you. These do-it-yourselfers instead go an Internet search about what to do or rely on close friends or family to counsel them. Imagine going to your friends and family to also guide you through your serious health issues in life, like cancer, chronic illness, or broken bones. I would imagine that taking that route might make your health worse, and potentially life-ending. That’s how I view what’s likely to happen to couples who don’t get professional help during one of the most painful experiences of your life. I tell people who are thinking of managing it themselves that they might as well be having a cat driving them in a car going down a windy road near a cliff, it’s going to come to an ugly end.

Here are some of the reasons I hear from couples about why they didn’t go to a marriage counselor when they hit rock bottom in a marriage crisis:

  • My husband doesn’t believe in marriage counselors. Does he also not believe in the sun and the moon? Seriously, what does this mean? A note for the naysayers on our behalf … Most of us spent three to five years post-college studying relationship dynamics and mental and emotional health, then taking exams and thousands of hours practicing as interns before we were allowed to put our shingles out as a licensed therapist. God knows how many books and peer-reviewed research articles we’ve read on the subject. We also get close to 30 hours of continuing education every two years. If you studied anything for that much time, do you think you might be helpful in that area? I hope so.
  • Therapists are for white people. Yes, I have been told this, and I understand that people who have endured disenfranchisement and negative bias from Anglos have every reason to be skeptical. After all, the profession of psychology and mental health counseling was started by white men and was only available to wealthy people for many years. But today we have a lot of diversity in the counseling profession, insurance covers some or all of it, and more and more diversity is showing up in our client base. It’s becoming more accepted in the mainstream and at last losing some of the only crazy people go to counseling aspect. What I can tell you is to ask your friends who have tried counseling for their marriage what it was like. See if you can find a therapist you are comfortable with, whatever that means to you. There is no shame in asking for help, and I would rather you try marriage therapy before deciding it isn’t an option for your family.
  • It’s so expensive. If I told you that you could likely save your crumbling marriage for $3,000 to $5,000 (or less), would you do it? Have you checked the cost of divorce?
  • My mother majored in psychology so she’ll help us. Ladies and gentlemen, no one knows less about counseling, relationships, or marriage dynamics than a person with a bachelor’s in psychology. They also know little or nothing about psychology. Psychology has nothing to do with mental health counseling. If you think it does, you really do need a qualified marriage therapist to help you.
  • We think we can handle it on our own. Could you also do everything else that requires training, without training? I will say if you two can maintain a calm state and have a civil and calm conversation alone, and show compassion and empathy to one another continually, handle the extreme ups and downs, give each other the time and space to move through the process, not talk to anyone else about your problems unless both of you are there, and for the betrayer, be able to patiently answer 10,000 questions asked several times each over two or more years, maintain complete honesty, and have each answer cross-checked dozens of times, know how to handle the children, then maybe you could. Oh, do you know the questions which should never be answered? Do you know if you should be transparent with your phone records, emails, text messages, and physical location? And, just saying, if my husband or I cheated, I’d make sure we had a marriage crisis therapist to see us through it, even though I am one myself.
  • My spouse wants a Christian counselor. I see a lot of clients who have long become disillusioned with religion. If that’s not you, you may want to visit with your pastor, priest, rabbi or whomever is the leadership in your religion, or a Christian-based counselor. In my experience, when one spouse demands a Christian counselor, it is because they are afraid their partner will leave, and they want someone to read the scripture to shame them into staying. There are better ways to save a marriage, ones that work. Also, before risking your future with religious-based counseling, ask your pastor or Christian counselor what their training is in marriage crisis. Time and again, couples take this option first, then end up coming to see me.
  • She says it was an emotional affair and they never met in person. Do you have blind faith that everything your spouse tells you is true? Does the other person (OP) live within 100 miles of you? Do they work together? Does your spouse ever travel alone? Do you know a lie when you hear one? One thing a marriage therapist can tell you is, cheaters lie. This is another great thing about having a couples therapist trained in marriage crisis, they can smell lies and will work to get to the truth.
  • We’re going to read a book. It would be rare to find a book that would hit every aspect of what couples need to know and do to manage the revelation and pain of infidelity, how to handle the initial phase, how to know when separation is a good idea, how to conduct a separation so you avoid marriage crisis limbo, how to handle money, kids, family, and friends. I have written one recently, but it’s not published yet. Until then, you need to call someone like me to help you through. For Michelle Weiner-Davis fans, * I respect her greatly, but she is an idealist and never saw a marriage that couldn’t be saved. I don’t think that’s realistic. Your family’s future is on the line, belly up to the bar and get the individualized marriage help you need.
  • I’ll research what to do on the Internet. The information on the Internet is highly questionable. If the person is not a marriage-crisis trained therapist, take what they say with a grain of salt. In our world, the only research worth mentioning is peer-reviewed. That means, an academic did legitimate, ethical, research, wrote the article, and other academics approved it. That’s as legit as it gets. Articles by someone who got their spouse back, life coach gurus, psychics will lead you to divorce court. Relationships and cheating situations are complicated, and no couple is the same. The best course of action is, you know, an experienced marriage therapist.
  • My spouse says it’s over and they’ve had an epiphany. They want me to just let it go. And I have a beach house in Malibu I’ll sell you for $50,000. Don’t be conned by a person who may well believe the lies they tell you, but underneath the lies are just trying to avoid the painful work and recovery process that is necessary to create the new marriage you should both desire. Affair recovery counseling is tough, but if you did the crime, you need to do the time if you want your family to recover and be healthy. Face your demons, drop your pride and ego, and do what your injured partner needs to heal. Children want to avoid dealing with the hurt of affairs and breach of trust, adults will deal with it, even though they may have preferred not to.
  • My spouse says it’s my fault they had an affair, so I need to fix myself, then it won’t happen again. Oh my. Nice try at flipping the tables, but you will have a difficult time getting anywhere if your unfaithful spouse wants to start with the subject of how you drove them to it. A therapist will point out that humility, mortification with self and regret, a sincere desire to repair and do what it takes to meet the emotional needs of their betrayed spouse for as long as it takes are good predictors of whether your marriage can be saved. When I encounter finger-pointing cheaters I work with them to come down off their high-horse and change their perspective. It can and must be done.
  • We think a separation may be the answer. It might be, but also might be the worst thing you could do. I cringe when I see couples separate without a rhyme, reason, or plan, and without also working on themselves during their marital break. You may think you just need a cooling off period, but what you need is to cool off and commence an individual and relationship overhaul. Without the work to repair what got you in this situation in the first place, the odds are stacked high against your marriage working out.
  • We tried marriage therapy once and it didn’t work. Right. When I hear this one, I think to myself, “You tried marriage therapy, and YOU didn’t do the work.” Also, not all marriage therapists will be a fit for you. Don’t give up because of one therapist, you may have to visit a few to find one that’s a match. I’ve had couples that thought I was the worst therapist in the world, and others that think I can do no wrong. Neither is true, but you get the idea. Also, if you are expecting the therapist to carry you through the marathon recovery process of a post-affair, think again. We will be your tour guide, but you must do the walking. Marriage therapists lament that only about 5 percent of their clients take the suggestions and advice we offer seriously, but it’s true. Whether a couple is unwilling to put in the effort or aren’t aware of how much work a good marriage takes, and how much more work it takes to recover from an extramarital affair, a lot just drop out and go off into the ether to manage their dysfunctions themselves, usually disastrously. We can lead a horse to water …

There are so many reasons that a couple should seek professional help when in an unhappy relationship or marriage crisis, that I could talk about it all day. I will tell you that 30 years ago I ended up divorced from the father of my two children because in the 1990s, our counselor knew nothing about marriage crisis and sent us away to deal with it ourselves. I went into this work because of the horror I feel about it to this day. We all suffered, especially our young children. It lit a fire in my belly to understand it, and I spent years going to graduate school and researching the subject. Peer-reviewed research. I now see where we went wrong, and what we could have done. If we had had the proper help, I believe we would still be married today. I am not the only person who regrets how my marriage crisis played out. Millions of other have their regrets, too. Don’t be one of us.

Marriage crisis is one of life’s most traumatic events. The good thing is we know a lot about it now, and unhappy marriages can be turned around. Marriages can heal from a partner’s betrayal, and although the trust may never be totally the same as before, it can grow over time and become something that is rarely thought about. Another reason I didn’t mention above that you really need a professional counselor to help you through is, some marriage can’t and should not be saved. Some affairs are more damaging than others, for example. A long-term love affair is often more devastating that a one-night stand with a stranger, for example. Also, people have serious mental disorders known as personality disorders like narcissism, borderline personality disorder and more. These are chronic problems that don’t improve, and partners like this can be hopelessly abusive, and, dangerous. Addictions are a whole other huge topic that needs to be taken into consideration.

When a married couple goes through a terrible experience like infidelity, the important thing to remember is there is excellent help that can make a significant impact on whether you move on together or apart in a positive direction. Even when marriages don’t work out, we like to believe that it is an opportunity to for a person to grow, evolve, and travel new frontiers in personal well-being. Manage your marriage crisis so that you can say you did all you could do to repair and save the marriage, whether you were successful or not, knowing we did that gives us peace of mind.

  • Michelle Weiner-Davis has written books about saving marriages and is considered a solutions-focused Marriage and Family Therapist. To learn more about her and her work visit her Divorce Busting® web site.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas*, and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager® . She has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother relationship show on You Tube, and has a private practice in Little Rock, Arkansas, and as a life coach via teletherapy. To contact her check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

*For licensure verification find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.