Therapy for Couples, Families & Individuals in Little Rock

Aging your way and making age-related decisions for yourself

Before a bit of work on my face, and six weeks after — the same filter was used on both pics, the decision to spend time, money, and pain to look younger is personal, and sometimes there are very good reasons for it. Picture: BeckyWhetstone

Should people do all they can cosmetically and otherwise to feel and appear young? As we age, people face changes and will experience the benefits and costs of it all. We have choices, and there are different ways we can travel through the aging process; to me, it’s a fight to thrive or pack it in. Not that all aging people want to pack it in, but if we don’t consciously fight it, our bodies and minds will do it for us.

When we’re younger adults, it’s much easier. Some of us are naturally in shape for much of our lives. (I was not — I started fighting my weight in high school). As you age, that gift often disappears, and you must fight for the abilities you once had. If you do nothing when nature lets you know the glory days are over, the decline will be shocking and fast. It’s an exceedingly strange experience, and your cognitive abilities, health, and longevity are at stake. Fighting against ourselves on the aging journey is one thing, but if you want to keep going and make a difference, fighting societal stereotypes and ageism is another. For example, I might be fine to let my hair go gray and to allow my body to thicken up in the middle, but in our culture, I’ll become more invisible and maybe even perceived as irrelevant or not as informed as my younger peers. In graduate school, we were told that there was research on how therapists who age naturally without any enhancements are likely to lose credibility and business. So, whether you color your hair, get injections to fill in your deepening facial crevices, or fight to keep your weight stable can be one of your most crucial personal and financial decisions.

I’m in that developmental life stage known as aging, almost in the last quarter of my life, and although I’d prefer not to ponder it, it is impossible to ignore. The subject of age effects is discussed in the news regularly, regarding what politician looks and acts old, what model or star looks great or has “let themselves go,” whatever that means. I’m still haunted by tabloids in the grocery line, outing stars on the beach, or shopping at the grocery store who no longer had the physical beauty they were known for. What’s the point of showing that if not to insinuate that we’d…

Ask what you can do for your relationship.

Committed, adult relationships mean time, work, and focus. It isn’t for everyone. Photo: Becky Whetstone/Canva

f people knew how much time, effort, and giving a successful marriage takes, they might not sign up for it. When I was a child, I watched my mom serve my dad relentlessly and nervously. Both were born before 1920 and if he were standing next to a faucet with a glass in his hand, he would still holler for my mother to come from whatever part of the house she was in to fix him a glass of water. No wonder she associated marriage with slavery, and when he died after 62 years of meeting his needs, she had no desire ever to do it again. “I don’t want to wait on anybody anymore,” she’d say.

Can we have expectations in marriage?

Although times have changed, I still see couples where one or both people have high needs and expectations of the other, and not too different from my father’s expectations of my mother. Marriage in the 21st century does not mean you now have someone who will be at your beck and call to tend to your every need. Instead, it’s a partnership where each person maintains themself individually and then has a relational piece of land they take care of together, called The Marriage. How the marriage is handled is negotiated between the two, and each person gets an equal say. Expectations cannot be created unilaterally.

Choosing a partner who can care for themselves emotionally is important for a healthy relationship. Those who can’t take care of their own needs and maintain their peace and equilibrium without constant contact with their significant people, like close friends and partners, become a burden to those people. In marriage, our partner is supposed to enhance our life, not drag us down.

Q: Sue wants her husband to text her throughout his workday to say he is thinking of her. He says he is busy and having that hanging over his head all day is unnecessary. He says he loves her dearly but is in another zone of concentration when working and doesn’t want to be distracted. Is Sue asking too much?

A: Yes, she is asking too much and has unrealistic expectations. She has an insecure attachment issue, and she wants her husband to jump through hoops throughout the day so she can still feel loved by him. When we’re infants, we are…