Done the right way, separation can save marriages. Haphazard separations, with no time frame or guidance from an experienced family therapist, and a couple ends up playing Russian Roulette with their family. I know for a fact that couples end up divorced who shouldn’t have, and my career is dedicated to preventing that from happening. To that end, I’ve managed many separations over the years and created a plan for how to do it mindfully and with a purpose. It’s called a Managed Separation Agreement and is designed specifically so a struggling couple has the best chance for success. I define success as healthy reconciliation, where kinks have been worked out, root issues dealt with, healing and understanding have taken place, and things are forever different and positive moving forward. The more I’ve used it, the more I’ve tweaked and refined it, to the point that it may offer couples who separate the perfect next option before throwing in the towel. Still, I don’t want people to use it if they don’t need it, and there are certain things that must be going on for it to be appropriate.

Why should a couple separate, anyway? I’ve had couples come in wanting to separate who shouldn’t and couples who needed to separate who wouldn’t. My number one goal every time is to diagnose the marriage issues, stabilize whatever marriage crisis is going on, and decide if separation is appropriate in their situation. We also want to stop couples from doing even more damage to their marriages than already exists, which is likely to happen with two people who are emotionally freaking out and relying on what friends, family members, and non-therapist-endorsed Internet searches tell them to do. Separation is a big step. It is serious business, and if we decide to go that route, it will be done for the right reasons, in the right way, and it will be one of the hardest things a couple has ever done.

The dynamics of a couple who need to separate.

When a couple is in crisis, there is almost always one person who is leaning out of the marriage while the other spouse is desperately leaning in. The unhappy spouse has made an announcement of their unhappiness or wish to divorce, or they have been caught communicating…

Recently, I was traumatized by former President Donald Trump, and it wasn’t the first time. My son, Marine LCpl Benjamin Whetstone Schmidt, a proud scout sniper, was killed in Afghanistan on October 6, 2011, almost 12 years ago, becoming a war hero and breaking our hearts. Benjamin’s family members are now part of a group no one wants to be in — Gold Star Families. During World War I, families of fallen war heroes began wearing black armbands with a gold star on them, hanging banners and flags with a gold star in their windows and yards, and ever since, family members of fallen heroes have been referred to as a Gold Star Family. One of the loveliest things about being a Gold Star Mother is the warm embrace from so many from all across America. We receive cards, coins, blankets, medals, banners, flags, and more, all from private citizens who never met us but who care. Most of the American public respects and honors what we have been through and seems to understand our devastating loss and the sacrifice it is, not only for us but for the friends and soldiers themselves. The loving support and continued honoring acts we receive over the years help our hearts. Kindness helps.

And then, for the first time in anyone’s memory, a dark cloud descends on those of us who sacrificed. And it arrived in the form of the former President, Mr. Trump. People tend to report widely the crazy things this man says. Most I can brush off. But every few months, Mr. Trump is quoted saying denigrating things about America’s precious heroes who lost their lives and U.S. service members who were wounded or captured. This is from a man who, after his divorce from his former wife, Ivana, saw his three young children once a week and never took care of them himself. This has never happened before by a United States President, past or present. In fact, it’s been unimaginable. Since the rumors and stories about things Mr. Trump says have been leaked, my heart gets ripped open repeatedly. I can’t unhear it, and each time, I am propelled backward to my original pain and rage. I have met my son’s buddies who survived, all disabled in some way, some amputees, deaf, limping, gut pain, PTSD, and more deeply thoughtful, incredible men you will…