Recently, several clients talked about the frustration they felt in the bedroom, not due to no sexual activity or that their intimate relationship is no longer a garden of sexual delight, but because of how their partners react to them when 1. They do not orgasm, and 2. When they aren’t in the mood or do not feel like having intimate sexual relations. This subject has come up week after week in my sessions for almost 20 years. Finally, I realized that ignorance of healthy relationship dynamics is ruining life for everyone else and that it has to stop. Why our culture does not talk about what is healthy and appropriate when it comes to sexual and intimacy boundaries, I do not know. So, I’m going to explain it today, and then hopefully, this blog will end up in every adult’s inbox throughout North America and beyond. We could change the world if people would allow themselves to learn these easy concepts.

The first rule of thumb in any boundary setting is that adults’ free will is to be treated like a holy grail. No one has any right to tell another adult what to do or how to do it, even when that adult is making enormous mistakes. Appropriate personal boundaries mean never telling anyone how to feel, think, what to do, or anything else. We may do so if invited, or we can ask for permission to tell them what we’re seeing, but if they don’t care to hear it, we must back off. Also, physical boundaries are equally as important as the personal ones. Don’t touch, hug, sit, or lean on, anyone without their permission or invitation. Don’t go through their stuff and stay on your own side of the street boundary-wise. Now, you know that adults are free to do as they please, but that does not mean they won’t have to face the consequences of inconsiderate or bad actions.

My family and I discussed this subject at one of our holiday meals a few years back. My niece’s best friend since childhood had ghosted her after forty years of friendship. My niece asked me why I thought she had, and I said, well, has she told you what you do that irritates her? Niece: “Shouldn’t I speak to her when I see her believing and thinking stupidly? If what she is doing is obviously wrong or misguided?” My response: What makes you the all-knowing human who decides what is right or best for someone else? Your stance is violating her intellectual boundaries. With this line of thinking, you are showing me that you are arrogant and think you know better and should tell everyone if their actions don’t align with your beliefs. Niece: “So I should just stay silent and not try to show her a better way?” Me: Correct. In all of mankind, not one person has appreciated having uninvited adults to try to fix them. People will learn their life lessons the hard way or not at all.

Knowing my niece and her strident belief system, which she has also attempted to inflict on me with zero success, she’s probably lost a lot of friendships over the years. That’s why trying to force people to do things that don’t fit who they are is a great way to cause them to seek friendship elsewhere. Let people be who they are, people.

My niece was astonished at the idea that she shouldn’t be telling others how to live their lives better. Of course, what is better for her may not be better for anyone else. Ironically, my niece’s life is not a testament to healthy living and functioning, but this is the way of the world. Dysfunctional people are giving advice to dysfunctional people, and in the end, the whole world is a mess. That may be why so many people are confused about how to conduct themselves. I propose to change that by at least presenting what healthy adult behavior looks and sounds like, and then I can sleep at night.

Sexual Boundaries 101

Do I have to have sex if I don’t feel like it? People have the right to have sex or not, depending on what’s going on with them at the time. Demanding sex is an egregious boundary violation that should never take place. Likewise, forcing yourself to have sex when you don’t want to is terrible self-care and says, in essence, “What you want is more important than what I want.” I feel that too many people throw themselves under the bus to make others happy — a recipe for resentment, and just so you know, those who are healthy emotionally won’t allow that to happen. Sexual behaviors and frequency between committed couples usually ebb and flow over the lifespan. Sexual jackrabbits in their 20s will usually discover that changes as they complicate their lives with children, careers, responsibilities, and all the stress that comes with that. The ability to be sexually flexible and understanding of all the ebbs, flows, and fluidity of human sexuality is what will be required for the relationship to continue thriving. This is also known as being an adult, and part of that is creating the space for others to be who they are at any given moment, whether it’s what you want or not.

Many of my clients tell me that when they do not want to have sex for whatever reason, their spouse will often punish them in some way. I have heard about the silent treatment, pouting, huffing, and puffing, being accused of being frigid, having an affair, are you sure about your sexual orientation questions, and on and on. Nothing good will come from giving your unwilling partner negative feedback and commentary about their lack of sexual desire, and it certainly won’t influence them to jump your bones.

I once had a multimillionaire client, I’ll call Roger, haul his wife into my office, and tell me to fix her because she was frigid. He had searched the nation for sexual dysfunction clinics where they could magically return her to her former passionate self. After several sessions and many questions answered by Roger’s wife, who usually sat with her arms crossed, foot tapping, and looking furious, it was obvious that Roger was a narcissistic asshole, and she was sexually shut down because of that. Indeed, he criticized her relentlessly, and in my experience of visiting with them, I had not sensed one compassionate or empathetic bone in his body. Any meaningful conversation about his ownership of their intimacy issues was not going to be on the table. He was all about entitlement and contempt for the woman who wasn’t giving him what he wanted and deserved, and he could only see her part of the breakdown of their sexual relationship. As Dr. Phil says, “You can’t fix what you won’t acknowledge.” Roger wasn’t going to change. In a session alone with his wife, she shared that she is a very sexual and passionate woman who does not want to have relations with her harsh and judgmental husband. I completely understood. When I told Roger he needed to change more than his wife needed to change, he fired me.

Sexual pressure, negative judgment, and comments kill sexual desire. It takes away any chance that sexual intimacy can be a safe place to express romantic love with a trusted friend. The more a partner acts nasty after a rejection, the more their partner will not want to have sex with them. It’s relationship math. If you want to solve the problem, and you are emotionally mature and really do love and care about your partner, you will not take it personally when they don’t feel like engaging in sexual intimacy and will even be happy that they are confident in themselves and the relationship enough that they are comfortable practicing self-care in setting boundaries that way, because that is what it is at the end, self-care.

A partner can be wildly in love and attracted to you and still not always want to have sex with you. Yet, my husband tells me that 99 percent of men take sexual rejection personally, and being rejected even one time is so emotionally devastating that some may not ever initiate it again with that person. This blew my mind, and I hope it’s not true. So, I thought, a man’s ego is so wrapped up in women desiring them 100 percent of the time that they will never initiate sex again if rejected once, really? Guys, if this is true, get over yourselves. One rejection does not equal total rejection — another relationship math equation. Don’t punish women because of your own sexual insecurities. Chances are, if your partner chooses to spend their life with you rather than the other several billion humans on this earth, they are probably very into you mentally, emotionally, and sexually. If a man decides never to initiate sex again after only one rejection, we will have even bigger problems than just sexual rejection.

It’s important to note here that this is why therapists say you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone else unless you have one with yourself. It will trickle down to every other part of your relationship if you are insecure. and it is wrong to make your insecurities someone else’s problem. Deal with them, build a strong sense of self, and learn to keep your inner peace and confidence as a human, no matter the state of your relationship. Most of us aren’t uber-confident in the bedroom, and that should probably be normalized, but at the same time, most of us don’t expect a lights and fireworks show every time we engage in sexual intimacy, or sometimes, ever. Good sex is subjective, anyway. What is great for one person is not for another, and that’s okay.

Couples with strong relationships who practice healthy sexual boundaries.​

Here are the characteristics of couples who practice healthy sexual boundaries:

1. They understand and respect that their partner may not want sexual relations as often as they do.

2. They are happy that their partner feels comfortable enough to beg off when not feeling up for sexual intimacy, and they see it as a form of self-care.

3. They would not want their partner to feel pressured to have sex when they don’t want to.

4. They would never react negatively when their partner communicates that they are not wanting sexual intimacy at any given time.

5. They know how to take care of themselves in the event that their partner is not wanting to have sex and don’t allow it to harm the relationship.

One more thing: marriages can become sexless over time, and if both partners are fine with that, great. However, if one partner cannot accept this, then the one who has lost interest, for whatever reason, should do all they can to find out what is going on and get themselves back on the sexual track. This could mean having a physical exam that includes bloodwork and having hormones tested, pelvic physical therapy; marriage itself insinuates a long-term, monogamous sexual relationship, and since sexual relations is a normal human need, if that’s what you signed up for, then you need to do what you can to meet your partner’s needs in this area. Don’t expect your still sexually interested partner to give up their sex life for good.

Here are frequent questions and issues that come up in therapy sessions concerning sexual boundaries.

Wear sexy lingerie and send me dirty pics and messages or else. This one comes up in therapy occasionally, and once again, human beings need to leave room and space for their partners to grow, mature, or be different throughout the years they are together, whether personally, professionally, or sexually. It is okay if a person was once comfortable doing these things and no longer is. In most cases, human beings can’t have everything they want, even in the bedroom and in the context of marriage. When we don’t get what we want, we must nurture and take care of that disappointed little girl or boy that lives within us. It is never right to tell your partner there is something wrong with them because they changed. People will change; it’s inevitable, and nothing ever stays the same. Anyway, if you want to break up your family over sexy lingerie and dirty pics, you probably should not have married in the first place.

I think the swinging lifestyle will improve our sexual intimacy, but my partner refuses. For most partners, this is a bridge too far. I have seen numerous couples who destroyed their marriages completely by trying out the swinging lifestyle and have never seen one where it improved their relationship, though I am sure some exist. Guess what usually happens? One partner gets attached to a lover, and now it becomes a love affair, bringing a whole new problem into the relationship. Please don’t do this. If your partner says no, acknowledge with grace their sexual boundary and accept their sexual limits.

They never orgasm during sexual intimacy. Oh my. Actually, 65 percent of women never orgasm during sexual intercourse. These women still enjoy sexual intimacy and penetration and find other ways to orgasm, which is great. Most men find it hard to understand that a woman can completely enjoy sexual intercourse without the orgasmic finish, but they can and do. It is narcissistic and arrogant to think that every person is like you or something is wrong with them if they aren’t. Remember my niece? If your partner tells you they are fine having an orgasm in other ways, then roll with it. Why create a problem where there isn’t one? In other instances, men will blame themselves for not being able to lead their female partner into orgasm during sexual activities. This is usually not the man’s fault or something to make a big deal about. Sure, tell her of your self-doubt and allow her to reassure you. Women’s anatomy can be complicated, surely you know this, and I feel certain they think you are enough, as they have chosen you as their mate. If your woman tells you she is fine, believe her.

I have also talked to men who go through periods where they do not orgasm during sex. Everyone I have talked to who has this issue tells me it bothers their partner more than it bothers them. Again, get a physical checkup to ensure your arteries and chemistry are healthy, and maybe talk to a therapist who can check and see if you have any stressors or problems in the relationship that distract you from the task at hand. If a partner insists they are okay, then accept they are okay, and don’t blame yourself or take it personally if they do not orgasm during sex. If they have any problem with you, we must trust that they’ll tell you about it.

Women’s dirty little secret. A neighbor of mine is in his 70s and talks about sex and his sexual encounters all the time. He is married, and his wife told him 25 years ago that she would never have sex with him again. They moved to separate bedrooms, and he has cheated on her ever since — neither has the desire to divorce. He comes to our resort town on weekends without her, of course, and tells story after story of his sexual conquests with numerous women in various sexual situations. In every story, his female sexual partners told him they’d never had better sex, and they all orgasm numerous times during intercourse. Including his wife! He even turned a lesbian straight — at least for one night — with his sexual gifts, all tales that build on the idea that he is some sexual King Kong that has unlocked the secrets of the female orgasm. He has not, I assure you.

I would bet my life that many of these women are lying to him about how good he is, about how gay they are, and also about how many orgasms they are having. Why? For several reasons. First, he is so sex-obsessed that he has probably told them in advance of his talent and prowess in the bedroom and how women typically respond to him, queuing them in on what is expected. They also probably know that when a man expects or needs her to have more than one orgasm on his watch and that he values that to the extreme, they will oblige by faking an orgasm as the path of least resistance and as a sexual act of kindness. No need for them to tell him the truth, that they probably either have one or no orgasms during sex, because if they do, he will make up that there is something wrong with them, and they don’t want to deal with it. So, they fake it as a defense mechanism not to have to go through judgment or scrutiny of any kind, and so that he can still be King Kong, at least in his own mind. So. what I am saying is that if men make a big deal out of women not having orgasms, women have been known to fake them. When they reveal it, your reaction to who they are will dictate whether they will share all of who they really are.

They want me to do things I am not comfortable with in the bedroom. I once had a male client who was going to divorce his wife if she didn’t engage in frequent anal sex. The wife was distraught over the pressure this demand put on her, and for good reason. First, anal sex is not for everyone, and certainly not for the majority of people, and second, he never mentioned it all when they were dating. In her view, it was sprung on her, and though she wanted to make him happy, she did not want to do it that way. I doubt they are still together because for him, it was do it or I’m gone, a complete violation of sexual boundaries.

I’ve had others who wanted to cross-dress with their spouse, to their spouse’s extreme distress, and still, others want to bring a friend or ex into the picture for a three-way sexcapade. What people do in their bedrooms is their business, but if one partner does not feel comfortable doing something out-of-the-ordinary, then it should never be forced on them through the threat of leaving or anything else. To get along with others, we cannot and must not force our will or pressure anyone to go outside their comfort zone, and if you truly care about your partner, you wouldn’t try to make them. Also, the rule of thumb in boundaries is never to agree to do anything that will cause you to resent the person who is asking you. If your partner asks you to do something you don’t want to, and you would resent doing it, then give them a firm no. It’s definitely okay to say no in the bedroom or anywhere else. Never be afraid to impart a clear message about what you are and are not comfortable with. If a person would leave you over something like that, then it’s probably in your best interest anyway.

My husband watches porn, and I consider it cheating. Men are visually stimulated and typically look at porn at one time or another. Based on evidence from my practice, it is a fairly frequent activity for most men. I remember my dad’s pile of Playboy magazines, which he insisted he read “just for the articles.” Sorry, Dad, you’re busted.

In a research examination of the subject, of 8040 individuals (71.3% men) between the ages of 12 and 85 between 2016 and 2019, over 85 percent reported that their use of pornography, specifically the viewing of different sex couples engaged in sexual intercourse, or (this is my addition) same-sex females, was prevalent. (1) Therefore, we can say that looking at pornography is normal for the heterosexual male population, and I am sure the same is true for the homosexual community. Although researchers have attempted to divide pornography into different classifications, there is still no agreed-upon, research-based formula available for doing that, but there is no doubt that certain types of pornography are more concerning than others. Sexually violent pornography and pornography depicting minors are considered to be far more concerning (and often illegal) than those that depict run-of-the-mill heterosexual sexual activity. These sorts of activities should never be tolerated. But is looking at adult porn a violation of sexual boundaries? I don’t think so.

I work to get women to understand that a man might look at run-of-the-mill pornography that is tape-recorded and still be considered a normal, healthy man, and in my view, that is not cheating. If a person is viewing pornography online that is live, where interaction takes place, I have another view, and that is that it is a terrible violation of trust and boundaries and out of line with healthy marital behaviors. If pornography viewing tips into addiction territory, it means that someone is obsessing and spending inordinate amounts of time watching pornography in a way that affects other aspects of their personal, professional, and sexual lives. This is also not okay and should be dealt with by love and sex addiction professionals. This subject is complicated and has many aspects to consider. For more information on this subject see the work of Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. If what your partner is doing concerns you, or you still have questions, go to a mental health professional and discuss it with them. The more rigid we are in marriage, trying to make rules for our partner and watching them like a hawk are all boundary violations. Don’t be your spouse’s parent, be their partner.

Sexual activity is a big deal in most American marriages and relationships. Yet it is something that requires some level of vulnerability, which leaves us all open to potential injury. One of the most important things about a healthy sexual relationship is that we are kind, accepting, and generous in the processing of the physical piece that most of us value so much. We play a role in our partner’s sexual health and well-being by not damaging them emotionally and helping them to learn to trust people sexually. Never criticize a person’s physical appearance or performance in the bedroom. Telling them what you enjoy and don’t enjoy is part of getting to know one another and that’s fine. Respect their comfort level at all costs. At the end of the day, what is being shared sexually between two people is precious, and we should treat it that way.

1. Ballester-Arnal, R., García-Barba, M., Castro-Calvo, J. et al. Pornography Consumption in People of Different Age Groups: an Analysis Based on Gender, Contents, and Consequences. Sex Res Soc Policy 20, 766–779 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1007/s13178-022-00720-z

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs

It took me decades to realize how weird my upbringing was. The amazing thing is that growing up, I thought my family was the absolute best. Except for the sister I had who was closest in age to me and dedicated herself to making my life miserable, I really thought I had hit the family jackpot. That’s the thing with kids; they tend to idealize their parents and family and see them through rose-colored glasses. Some people grow up and still do. My dad was a lawyer, my mom stayed at home, and their five children ranged in age from 17 to 1 — I was the baby. We went to the Methodist church on Sunday, attended public schools, and played for hours with the kids in the neighborhood, always with a pack of neighborhood dogs joining in the fun.

Where and how I learned to sell myself out.

I grew up in a small southern Arkansas town, the population was around 10,000. In 1964, when I started public school, the town was segregated. It was a city of haves and have-nots divided into several categories: billionaires … Murphy Oil Company was headquartered there, and the Murphys and their many cousins and extended family went to the same public schools we did, though they were delivered by chauffeurs, the middle class, rednecks — we called them hicks back then, and the “colored” people. Yes, that’s what we called the African American population in the 1960s in our town. Even as a child, I was aware of the caste system that existed. Somehow, my family passed on the message of who I was supposed to be friends with and who to avoid, but I don’t remember being told that outright. It was just understood.

Because the different groups in town were so delineated, anyone in the Murphy family was the most acceptable group to be friends with. If someone in the family palled around with a Murphy family member or anyone who was wealthy from oil money, and there were many, they would get a standing ovation from the others. If someone brought home a middle-class friend like we were, my parents wouldn’t be against it but would show no interest in them. If we brought home a prominent friend, my parents would pull out all the stops. I still remember my mom rushing me to the department store to buy a new nightgown when one of the wealthy kids invited me to spend the night. If it had been anyone else, my old gown covered in pills and breakfast stains would have sufficed.

I learned early on to play the family game. Up your station in life by hanging with wealthy or powerful people. All five children in my family learned this pattern of behavior, and most of us played it very well. Just like most children, we did the things that pleased our parents. My parents didn’t press us for good grades, to be athletes, religious, or beauty queens. Instead, they pressed us to make a better life for ourselves by attaching ourselves like sycophantic leeches to those who had more power or money than we did. This pattern of behavior nearly destroyed me in the end, but in my 40s, as I was recovering from my third divorce, and had an epiphany that told me that if I kept choosing mates who were prominent or powerful, who were not good mates, it would eventually kill me. As it was, my third divorce from a United States Congressman had me on my knees. I was so beat-up, broken-hearted, and crushed from the end of that marriage, from how my children and I were treated in the marriage itself, and the cruel way in which he dispensed of us, that it took me five years to feel like myself again. I knew I could never go through another situation like that, and if I exposed my children to something like that again, I would have only myself to blame.

A clear message: Change or die.

One day, I sat down and pressed myself, “Becky, you are a good person. You are smart. You have to get brutally honest about how you have married men who were not good marital partners and plug that leak; otherwise, it will be your destruction.” I knew that voice was right. I pondered it. What were the common denominators — 1. successful, prominent men who I thought were better than I was. 2. In the background of my mind, I told myself could have a better, more interesting life financially, experience-wise, and be accepted by others by being the partner of these men. 3. Since I perceived I couldn’t attain money or prominence on my own, I had to follow the family plan, attain respect and even awe from others, by who I partnered with. The family edict was killing me. I was mortified with the egomania and lack of belief in myself when I realized the ugly truth about what I was doing. I had loved all three men I married dearly, don’t get me wrong. But they could not love in return. They were self or ambition-obsessed and not into or capable of equal partnerships. They were not safe harbors for my heart.

I was determined to change everything, so one of the many books I explored was The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He described how the ego would destroy us if we let it take over our lives, and I had plenty of evidence that this was happening to me. When I read the book, I was attempting to claw my way back into prominence again. Without a man’s coattails to ride on, I tried to get old media jobs back, wrote a book about being married to the Congressman, tried unsuccessfully to sell it, and created a website called “The Congressman’s Wife” that called him out for all his abusive and cruel behavior during our marriage and divorce, but no one gave a damn.

Not hearing the messages the universe was sending me to stop clawing and learn to be happy in the now with what is, I overruled reason and eventually filed to run against him. I had had no success in attaining the jobs or notoriety I sought following the divorce; decision-makers blew me off. So, running against my ex was sure to get the attention I needed and, hopefully, opportunities to get a paid media position, and boy, did it. I got zero paid media opportunities but received notoriety in spades. I was inundated with national media attention as soon as word got out that I had filed my intention to run. I was on every major network, interviewed by Diane Sawyer (she and ABC were awful to me), a Dateline segment and interview with Hoda Kotb (super kind and fair reporting), CNN, Joe Scarborough (understanding and respectful), and many more. I was featured in People Magazine (I will never forget the awful way they told my story), the Washington Post, the Chicago Times, the Los Angeles Times, and more, and in all but a few, I was depicted as the stereotypical crazy, vengeful ex. It broke me. I became a pariah. Most of my family turned their back on me; I lost all my friends, found out some of my friends had betrayed my trust and allowed themselves to be interviewed by reporters so long as their names weren’t identified, and in the end, sat alone asking myself, “What the hell just happened?” That is when I got real, explored the brutal truth about me, and concluded I had to kill my ego, and so I did. When the Texas Secretary of State called me to say that I was 47 signatures short of getting on the ballot after an audit, I was curled up in a ball in my bed, wallowing in my misery. She told me it was over; I put the phone down and was thankful the negative attention would soon end.

Turning life around.

There isn’t a day that I am not thankful for realizing what I was doing to myself to guarantee self-destruction. The people who truly loved me stuck around; the rest did not. I saw it as a long overdue weeding of people who used me like I had been using others. The people who don’t have your best interest at heart will run for the hills when you hit rock bottom, and that’s not a bad thing. I stopped clawing for prominence, learned to be still and let the universe take me toward my purpose. Instead of fighting against the current of life toward things that wouldn’t serve me well, I turned around and went with the flow. I was in graduate school learning to be a therapist. I spent five years soaking up every piece of information I could to become a deeper and more authentic person. I went to therapy and numerous meetings and workshops designed to get my self-esteem and confidence where they needed to be. I have studied research and read endless books (and still do) to prepare myself for life as a healthy adult. It has been an incredible journey all the way around.

Do I beat the Becky up who did all those crazy things? No. I send her love and compassion. She learned what she did from her family and tried to win their approval, but it didn’t work, and I learned that lesson. I must love and accept all the versions of Becky I have been, as she was my most excellent teacher. Thankfully, egomaniac Becky is dead and buried, and Becky, who loves the simple life, the real me, has at long last arrived. Actually, she was there, waiting underneath the ego all along. My life’s work today is to help others who were lost like I was and show them a way to peace and contentment.

Accepting that some never learn the lessons life presents.

Sadly, three of my older siblings, two much older than I am and one now deceased, never did stop the coattails approach we were so deftly programmed to follow. My oldest sister, who passed away years ago, married a successful and controlling multimillionaire, but she had a waterfront house in Florida and everything her material heart could desire. She hung out with the super-rich, one her husband described as the “Meanest woman in town.” I met the woman, and to this day, she is the most openly racist, horrible, and boundary-less person I have ever encountered, and we almost came to blows. Seriously. My sister valued being with these people over those who sincerely cared about her. It was sad to see, but I understood it. When she was dying, I asked her if she had experienced any revelations about her life, and she said no, she lived her life exactly the way she had wanted, so that’s where she was on this lifetime’s journey.

The sister who bullied me as a child is a 70-year-old groupie and “friend” to world-known celebrities in California and the USA, name-dropping every person who comes into her proximity and posting photographs of herself with them on social media and all over her house. These relationships become her obsession, and if they beckon, she will drop anyone and everything to run to their aid. In college, she was a cling-on to our state’s sports heroes. After college, she nannied for one of the most famous families in America. She later moved to California, got involved in organizations that attracted the powerful and famous, and quickly befriended these people. What did she have to offer? She asks nothing of them, fawns to show them her best self, and gives everything she has to them 100 percent of her time, something she would do for no one else. When her children were small, she left them with their dad for months at a time while she trekked around on tour with one of her idol’s organizations. Interestingly, my 81-year-old brother does the same in Arkansas. Are they groupies? I don’t know, but the culture of our small town in Arkansas taught my parents that if we couldn’t rise to the top on our own, we would divert to Plan B and do it through others. It was a losing plan for us all, but those who aren’t self-reflective will never see the futility of it or how pathetic and desperate it is.

Getting it right.

There is nothing wrong with having prominent friends and marrying successful people. But when these relationships mean casting your true self aside, are one-sided, mostly give and little received, you bend for them and they rarely or never bend for you, you’re in a deal with the devil, and you will suffer. The wise are unwilling to sell themselves out or become sycophants so they can have things or opportunities they can’t get on their own.

If your sense of self and identity comes through others, and you lose those relationships, where does that leave you? I can tell you — when I lost it all after my ridiculous and failed attempt to run against my ex-husband for Congress, I lost who I thought was myself. But it wasn’t myself; it was an opportunity to finally see what my ego was doing to take me down and to learn to stop feeding it once and for all. The only way to attain true peace is to find out who you are authentically and create a life for yourself that fits that. When you fall into that flow, things happen for you rather than to you.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.

Almost twenty years ago, I became a marriage therapist, and by the time I got my license, I was already working on and designing marriage crisis education and interventions for couples. I did this because there was such a need for it. There is literally no place for couples in high relationship stress to go when at least one person isn’t motivated to do marriage therapy and/or sitting on a fence of ambivalence, tilting toward a divorce decision. In the past, couples were sent home to fend for themselves. Now, there is a place in the middle, between marriage therapy and divorce, where couples can go to ensure they are making wise decisions for their family while getting the mental and emotional support a person needs when their lives are on the brink of enormous change. Almost every person I’ve talked to over the years who had children told me they didn’t want to divorce unless they knew they had done everything they could to save their marriage. Knowing that you did brings a person peace of mind moving forward.

My divorce story educated me about what couples need (and don’t need) and gave me direction.

Back in the 1990s, my kid’s dad and I would go to a marriage therapist in San Antonio who was very well respected. I was a housewife, he was a physician, we had two young children, and neither one of us knew anything about healthy relationships much less know how to handle our marital problems. The therapist wore a suit and was very stiff and formal. I can’t remember him saying anything very helpful concerning our relationship issues. He certainly never took a deep dive in trying to understand us. We’d go, nothing changed, and then we’d stop going. When I got fed up again, and we’d return …

How our marriage began.

When we fell in love and married, my husband was as loving and supportive as a person could be. He was openly enthusiastic about us, physically affectionate, and I could not believe how fortunate I was. I still remember us sitting together on the floor of the little house he rented the day we got married by a justice of the peace. We leaned on each other, we had to touch. My new husband said, “When we have children, and they’re older, we will be the envy of all the other parents. Our love will stay this way our entire lives.” That’s exactly what I wanted, but this amazing emotional connection and idealistic romantic relationship lasted less than six months. A few weeks after we married, we left the United States for six months in Sydney, Australia, and six more in New Zealand, where he was going for a knee surgery fellowship. The doctor he would train with found an amazing beachfront apartment for us in Balmoral Beach, one of Sydney’s most beautiful and desirable areas. When we got to the apartment, the bedroom had twin beds. The first thing my husband did was scoot them together, tying the legs with twine.

We were happy there in the beginning. Dave went to work while I explored the area and found different cooking recipes using the wonderful local fish markets and small shops in the suburb of Mossman. This was 1985, before the Internet, computers, cell phones, and inexpensive phone calls. Only one television channel came on the air every day around 10 am, playing a Richard Simmons exercise show, followed by hours and hours of American soap operas that were about five years behind. I would write long letters to my family members and try to keep engaged with life down under, but it wasn’t long before I became lonely and depressed. I lived for the moment Dave would come home from work, and we could be together again in our beautiful little safe space with the ocean view.

I’ll never understand how or why, but one day, his enthusiasm for me switched off like a light, and the negative patterns that would eventually kill us flooded in. He rejected my affection, pushing away and turning cold. Our sex life almost disappeared, and when I began to poke around with questions about what was going on, he would make me regret it with short, nasty responses. Our healthy communication and his supportiveness completely disappeared, and now I found myself with a man I was deeply in love with and attracted to, disappearing into his own little world behind an ironclad wall, shutting me out. I stuffed all my feelings. I began to have panic attacks, severe lower back pain, and carpal tunnel syndrome. My body was breaking down as my mind freaked out. I had already been married once, and I couldn’t bear the humiliation and shame of a second divorce. I did not want a divorce; I wanted my loving husband and happy marriage back. I began to eat my emotions and gained about 15 pounds, causing my husband to tell me once that he was embarrassed by my physical appearance when our friends invited us to go sailing in Sydney Harbor, and we all wore swimsuits. I remember feeling angry and humiliated by his comment.

I was relieved when we returned to the United States where I at least had a supportive environment, but I never told my family that my dreamy new marriage and happy relationship had changed for reasons I didn’t understand. We stumbled along with communication problems and unresolved issues; who can resolve issues when, anytime you bring them up, your spouse shuts down and leaves the house? Things worsened as my husband reneged on his promise to take me out of his home state of Texas. He never outright said we couldn’t move; his most common tactic was to delay and put me off until I finally figured out that he never intended to do it in the first place. The same thing occurred when I said, okay if we are staying in Texas, let’s at least move to Austin; “Sure, he said, go find me an office.” I did all that, but nothing was ever satisfactory. Ah, I get it. We aren’t ever leaving San Antonio — resentment built as I realized that I had been duped. Everything I thought my marriage was, it was not. All the promises he made during his super-loving seduction stage never came to pass. It was time for relationship counseling to hopefully bring back the emotional intimacy we had shared for a few short months. I never saw that again, of course.

Enter Dr. Milktoast.

I don’t remember much about the counseling; had it been remarkable, I would have. I have vague memories of the marriage counselor trying to normalize our situation, and who was I to question this? He was the one with the doctorate degree and experience. He was flat, soft, boring, and I called him Dr. Milktoast. We had two children when we first started going to therapy, about two and four years old by this time. The last thing I wanted was to be a single mom. Luckily, when we returned home from New Zealand, I felt better and almost immediately lost all the weight I had gained in Australia. Whatever physical intimacy we ever had, though, I was always the initiator. No matter how much weight I gained or lost, Dave wasn’t interested as far as I knew.

You may have heard that orthopedic surgeons work long hours. Indeed, they do. But in addition to all that, my husband started actively seeking to become the team doctor for local high schools, colleges, and eventually the NBA team, the San Antonio Spurs. When I left him, he attended forty-plus Spurs games a year, the games of a couple of high schools, and one or two colleges every weekend. As if that wasn’t enough, he joined the San Antonio Sports Foundation, which was a group of city leaders who worked to get major sports events to come to the Alamo city. In a very short period, he moved up to the top spot, President, a position previously held by a man who did it as a full-time job. He also went to Colorado Springs for a few weeks to be trained as an Olympic doctor. He never told me of his dreams and ambitions; he kept adding things to his roster, even though he knew I wanted more quality time and each of these things guaranteed I wouldn’t get it. To say that my children and I almost never saw him is not an exaggeration. I got used to being alone and considered myself sort of a single mom who couldn’t date.

I remember telling the marriage therapist that Dave woke up and left in the mornings around 4 am before we got up and would return around 7 or 8 pm, eat something, and go straight to bed. I asked if he could be home one day a week to have breakfast with us, and he agreed. It happened two times, then never again. In Texas, having a family ranch is not uncommon. Dave grew up on a ranch and wanted one of his own. One day, he said he wanted to look at some properties, and if we found one, he would spend every weekend with me and the children. I was ecstatic. We found the perfect place and began renovating it. I painted walls and hung wallpaper, and he hired workers every weekend and would go out with them to clear the land. He’d come in at sundown, ready to eat and go to bed. Dear Lord, I thought, I still never see the man. And then I began to experience surprises … I remember driving up there one day and finding that one of the ranch’s dilapidated shacks on our land had been completely renovated and furnished. I was never told a thing about it. If a successful marriage requires communication, I wasn’t getting it. I loved our ranch and the nature and good times it provided for me and the children, but at the end of the day, I felt duped again.

Things got worse when my husband took the time to criticize me for my political interests and for not having a career. “It makes me sick to see you wasting your life,” he’d say. “You’re just plain lazy.” Anyone who didn’t work as hard as he did was lazy, which meant everyone was. When we went back to the therapist, I remember passivity from the man in the tan suit who was supposed to have all the answers for family therapy and relationship problems. He was supposed to turn unhappy couples back into happy couples. In my mind, I wanted to scream at him in desperation, “What you are doing is not helping us! Please help us!” Our marriage problems and relationship needed a hammer over the head, not quiet, ineffective, and passive professional help. Why did people tell us he was a skilled therapist at helping marriages? How can any marriage be helped when a person just sits in a chair and says you aren’t crazy, your marriage problems are normal, and come back to see me when you’re more motivated? Couldn’t he have done something to help us become more motivated? Why did he keep sending us away when we had so many unresolved conflicts?

Dave never changed. He knew what I needed and wanted, as it wasn’t me who had a lack of communication, but he didn’t take them seriously. (He told me that years later.) The final straw for me was when I voted for the Democratic Presidential candidate in 1992, who was from Arkansas and happened to be a family friend. My husband was happy to go to the Inauguration and see Barbra Streisand sing Evergreen, hobnob with the powerful, and have a bunch of other once-in-a-lifetime amazing experiences, but when we got home, he said he was docking my allowance by six percent since Bill Clinton wanted to raise taxes by that much. Bill Clinton never did raise taxes by 6 percent, but my allowance got lowered, and that was when I knew our marriage could no longer sustain itself. Making more money each year by huge amounts, it made no sense to me that he would punish me for voting for who I did. I saw it as pure control and meanness. Within a few months, I met my husband at the door, and after eight years of marriage, I told him I was done.

Marriage Crisis Begins.

I was done at that moment, but deep inside I wanted my loving, attentive 1985 husband to return magically. Was it possible? As happens in a marriage crisis, the one who is about to get left wakes up from their marital coma and will do anything to save the marriage. Dave insisted we return to Dr. Milktoast, and when he asked us how motivated we were (again), my number was zero, and my husband’s number was 100, so he sent us home. “I can’t help you until you are both very motivated,” he said. “But I do think a separation would be beneficial.” I guess he went out on that limb because I told him that I might have to jump off a cliff if I had to be in Dave’s presence during those days. I didn’t know it then, but this sealed our fate as a married couple who would be divorced within a matter of months. We mismanaged everything about our separation, and I am not exaggerating. My husband was mean to me during the crisis, saying ugly and awful things. I told Dr. Milktoast that I needed that to stop. Milktoast looked at Dave. “I can’t stop,” he responded. It occurred to me at that moment that the only emotion my husband ever experienced was anger. Milktoast said, “So be it,” and sent us away again.

Yes, as a doctoral-level family therapist, Milktoast failed us. I wonder how many other mental health professionals fail their clients due to poor training or ignorance. He should have hammered us and been more direct and forceful when we were initially in marriage therapy and in the crisis. He should never have normalized our issues and minimized what was going on. He should have warned us how marriages die and that we were in a deterioration process that could only end one way. Now that our marriage was on the brink, it was going to die without serious help and intervention, and he needed to watch over us and coach us to avoid making matters worse. He should have told Dave that if he continued berating me and showering me with verbal abuse for wanting to leave, I would surely fall off the fence of ambivalence and decide to divorce. He should have told Dave that his behavior was completely unacceptable. Of course, I know now that Dave did not have to abuse me verbally. I would never allow that to continue with my clients. Instead, Milktoast affirmed whatever dysfunctional thinking and actions each of us was doing at the time, and because we were not in a place to do marital repair at that moment, he sent us away to meet our fate.

The truth is, Milktoast was a one-trick pony. Marriage therapy or come back later. No motivation? Come back when you are. Dave can’t stop verbally abusing Becky? Becky, you must accept that. I believe a marriage therapist should do all they can to put a stop to unhealthy behaviors and create motivation when a marriage with children is on the brink. We were failed by our relationship therapist, as are millions of other Americans.

The lesson.

Now, here is the bad news. Thirty years later, too many marriage therapists and professional counselors are passive in their marriage therapy sessions, just like Dr. Milktoast. Passive-type marriage therapy is a loser. Marriage therapy isn’t for sissies and those afraid to confront; to be successful, you must look at it like being in the trenches, trying to save a family. When a house is on fire, the fireman doesn’t just sit there and look at the fire. When I became a marriage therapist myself, I vowed to be a warrior for couples and families and not a namby-pamby snowflake who tries worn-out, non-useful interventions like trying to get a couple to hold hands and look into each other’s eyes when at least one of them is looking for where to put their bullets. The only way to help a couple in the marital deterioration process is to send them to Marital Deterioration School, which is taught by me, of course, and teach them candidly about what is going on and how they got there, and draw up a plan for change. Just seeing what a bad place they are in can sometimes jolt couples out of complacency and into action. There is an art to managing couples in crisis; marriage therapists must learn what it is. It must be taught in graduate school, and marriage crisis counselors must be commonplace. As it is, we take a divorce and reconciliation class and are made to buy 5 or 10 academic-level books on the subject, but no one reads every one; they are on our shelves for reference.

To overcome the soft pudding way that so many marriage therapists use, I have created a type of dynamic marriage therapy that is diagnostic; I tell couples what is going on and why their relationship isn’t working. We pinpoint the trauma issues that are obstacles to having a healthy relationship. We work on these issues. I push and nudge individuals and couples toward healthy change and making marriage work. We implement what they’re learning in their daily lives from the first day. Couples need to be taught, told, and directed. It’s their choice to use what they learn or not.

When it comes to a marriage crisis, one person says they are unhappy or want out and are not motivated to work on the marriage; that’s what creates the crisis. The therapist needs to do what they can to create motivation. Things are dire when a person turns their back on their marriage, but sometimes, with a little time and skill, we can get them to see things differently and in new ways.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a telehealth private practice as a theapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.