Although times have changed, I still see couples where one or both people have high needs and expectations of the other, and not too different from my father’s expectations of my mother. Marriage in the 21st century does not mean you now have someone who will be at your beck and call to tend to your every need. Instead, it’s a partnership where each person maintains themself individually and then has a relational piece of land they take care of together, called The Marriage. How the marriage is handled is negotiated between the two, and each person gets an equal say. Expectations cannot be created unilaterally.

Choosing a partner who can care for themselves emotionally is important for a healthy relationship. Those who can’t take care of their own needs and maintain their peace and equilibrium without constant contact with their significant people, like close friends and partners, become a burden to those people. In marriage, our partner is supposed to enhance our life, not drag us down.

Q: Sue wants her husband to text her throughout his workday to say he is thinking of her. He says he is busy and having that hanging over his head all day is unnecessary. He says he loves her dearly but is in another zone of concentration when working and doesn’t want to be distracted. Is Sue asking too much?

A: Yes, she is asking too much and has unrealistic expectations. She has an insecure attachment issue, and she wants her husband to jump through hoops throughout the day so she can still feel loved by him. When we’re infants, we are…

If you had a billion dollars or more, would you use it to help the world? Amazon billionaire MacKenzie Scott and other super-rich folk like Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates say they will donate most of what they have to assist people and programs in need. I’d do that if I could, but since I’m not wealthy enough to throw extra cash around, what riches do I have that I can leave behind?

Philanthropy and legacies don’t have to be about money. The great thing about humans is we all have gifts that could benefit the world in some way. The most valuable thing I have is my knowledge of how to have healthy relationships. Since I’ve been obsessing over healthy relationships since I was a child, reading Dr. Joyce Brothers, Ann Landers, and Ladies Home Journal’s Can This Marriage Be Saved? and still haven’t gotten sick of the topic, it must be the gift I have that can be shared with the world. Being healthy as an individual, in love life and romantic relationships, in a family, and out in the world with friends and co-workers is a learned skill, and how to do it can be shared in relationship therapy, an online course, and many other ways.

People need good information.

In my 20s, I realized I didn’t know anything about relationships. In my 40s, I realized that no one else did, either. This was a major epiphany and tipping point, “Why isn’t this stuff taught to everyone?” I thought. “People should know about this!” I always thought adults knew what they were doing; they don’t. As I hungrily learned about relationship problems and successful relationships, I longed to implant the invaluable information I learned into everyone else’s awareness. How to do it? The world would change if we all had a good relationship with ourselves and knew how to conduct ourselves with others in a way that works. I sincerely believe this. Our schools teach us about everything else but relationships, relationship issues, and family dynamics. I learned to cook and sew in middle school, but no one ever mentioned what healthy self-esteem is. People don’t know what they are shooting for in relationships or how to be an adult. When I tell clients that self-care is the most important thing…