Old men, young women
Only work in the beginning
She’s the past in summer dress
He’s a ride in a red Corvette
She’s a prize, he’s winning
She thinks it is what it isn’t.

And neither one can change what’s missing.

Old men, young women.

“Old Men, Young Women,” by Lori McKenna

Maybe I’m stating the obvious, but who you choose to spend your life with matters more than just about any decision a person could make. In my fantasies, I am the sole purveyor of marriage licenses, and no one can marry without my approval. Why do I want to control people’s choices? Most individuals who have married, left to their own free will, have done a disastrous job. So, what can we do to change that?

It’d be helpful if people put more than a little thought into it. When a person is 22 and focusing on hot guys, hot women, and those who can party down, the odds of the marital deal working out are slim to none. To me, the most important thing you can do is 1. Allow yourself to get past your 20s and get to know yourself and what matters to you. Who you are at 20 or 25 is not remotely who you will be at 35 or 45. 2. Focus on finding someone solid. This means they are healthy mentally and emotionally, free of addictions, do what they say they will do, are who they say they are, and you can count on them in all the different ways that matter. 3. Be able to tell yourself, “Man, this person enhances my life so much that I’d be a fool to let them go.”

Another thing is that although opposites can and do attract, that is not the best way to select a mate. Over the long haul of a life spent together, you’ll want someone who can be your best friend and cherished companion, who is flexible, who goes with the flow, and who is kind and capable of the back-and-forth giving and taking of relationships. If you knew you’d have one car to see you through your entire life, wouldn’t you choose something solid and reliable that could see you through all stages of life, from youth to parenthood to old age?

What a fickle audience Bachelor Nation can be. No sooner had American reality show fans embraced 72-year-old Gerry Turner as the breath of fresh air women needed to see on ABC’s hugely popular Golden Bachelor, which features older singles in the 60s to 70s range, they tore him down. Gerry’s stock dropped faster than Enron’s in 2001 after the season finale and a Nov 29 gotcha piece by Suzanne O’Malley and Barbara Lippert in the Hollywood Reporter, where they pointed out several discrepancies in the story Gerry told about himself during the show, and ABC’s producers had created about him. In addition, Golden Bachelor fans didn’t appreciate Gerry telling more than one woman he loved her, even though everyone knows the format is that he begins with 22 women, narrows the numbers down until he is left with two, and feelings often do develop. Heaven forbid, gracious and gentlemanly Gerry is an imperfect and flawed man. As a therapist and former newspaper reporter, I have a few things to say about Gerry, the Hollywood Reporter article, and how quickly Bachelor fans turned on the man.

Where Golden Bachelor fans got it wrong:

1. Gerry insinuated he hadn’t seriously dated anyone. He said on Entertainment Tonight, “I mean, I haven’t dated in 45 years.” Apparently, on the show, he said he hadn’t kissed in six years. Then Hollywood Reporter dragged out an old girlfriend who said she had dated Gerry starting about a month after his wife of 43 years, Toni, passed away. The woman, who remained anonymous in the piece, said she dated Gerry for almost three years, living with him for almost two. He is also known to have dated at least a couple of other women since his late wife passed away six years ago.

Therapist/journalist explanation: When I was a journalist, anonymous sources weren’t acceptable or used. If you’re going to stand up and trash someone, you need to have the guts to attach your name to it or the information you tell should be viewed highly suspiciously and never printed. It is unethical and unprofessional for the Hollywood Reporter to give the woman the cover of anonymity in a negative hit piece, especially when not offering Gerry the chance to defend himself. As a therapist and human…