You can be the most intelligent, successful, or prosperous person in the room, and I’ll bet you 25 cents you know very little about how to have a healthy relationship with yourself or anyone else. How do I know? I have worked with thousands of men and women in therapy for over 20 years, and I’ve seen it. Bright people with education and training who are superstars in their professional lives and at the toddler stage of development in self-care and interpersonal relationships. Like a cardiologist with heart disease smoking filter-less cigarettes and throwing down cheesy fries, they probably know they are in unhealthy relationships and could do better. Still, they choose not to do anything until that moment comes when they have no choice. Full disclaimer: I used to be the same way, but luckily, I had an older good friend tell me when I was in my early 20s that since I was having a hard time and had depression and anxiety, I would probably get worse as I got older and end up being pretty crazy. As I stood there, a voice in my head said, “Oh no, Becky, this isn’t how it will be. You’ll figure out what’s happening here and get yourself straightened out.” And so began my journey to healing.

For most human beings, change doesn’t happen that way. Only about 5 percent of the population gets sick of themselves and seeks change and actively seeks to heal and learn healthy behaviors, as I did. Unfortunately, the other 95 percent go along in life feeling comfortably uncomfortable for long periods, often forever. They will need a hammer to hit them on the head to create motivation to fix themselves. That hammer happens when your spouse looks at you and says, “You know what? I want a divorce.” Or, if you’re single, you mismanage your life to the point that you lose things you care about and have an emotional and mental breakdown and collapse or can’t get out of bed. It can and does happen. These moments are wake-up calls to do something to change your life, and people will do it or won’t. If they choose the dysfunctional status quo, they will lose their functional life as they knew it. People who don’t deal with emotional injuries will find it manifests into poor mental health and bodily disorders, often chronic pain. I…

If you want to learn a lot about humankind, become a therapist. Most of us do the job because we care about people, we’re fascinated by relationship dynamics, and helping people is gratifying. It doesn’t hurt that what we learn helps us understand our own lives and relationships along the way.

Part of my experience has been astonishment at how many people will not advocate for themselves when doing so would change everything for the better. They will gripe, complain, wish things were different, expend tons of negative energy, and send stress levels through the stratosphere, but by golly, they won’t go straight to the person who bugs them and have a conversation. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, as the number one complaint couples bring to me is communication problems.

Some situations are relatively simple to solve, others more complicated. But the number one obstacle that gets in the way of good results is the clients themselves and the stories and excuses they weave for not wanting to do the healthy thing that would free them of their anguish. Are human beings cowards? In many cases, they are, but a better phrase is emotionally immature. The only healthy stance I can take in these cases is to continue visiting and hope they will change their mind. Here’s an example:

A female client, I’ll call Mrs. Jackson, came in recently and told me she wanted to divorce her husband of 19 years but wanted to do it without hurting him or their two children.

“She must think I have magical powers,” I thought. The mere fact that we are humans means there will be emotional pain along the way, surely, she understands that. But she was serious, and it was time for me to gently educate her about life, feelings, and emotional pain. Only after a short lesson might she be…