Why men don’t understand them, and ways they still can.

Men have joked about not understanding women for a long time. When I talk to my fellow women about this, we laugh, because our point of view is that we’re very easy to understand. Maybe the simple truths lie somewhere in between, but there is research that answers questions about gender differences and what women want in romantic relationships, and most people are probably able to guess what a few of them are. As most men know, women don’t usually have difficulty telling men what they want and need, so is there a communication gap between the genders? Are we from different worlds? Are the things women asking of their men too much, or are men simply unable to give a woman what she asks for emotionally? Do we have thought processes that are so different from one another that women should never expect to get what they really want and need?

I’m about to tell men what they need to know to understand women, but my question is, once you know what it is, are you up to the task? A lot of women will tell you that we don’t think we ask for a lot, but I’m hoping men will tell me what they think. If we ask too much, what are you able to do that is listed below? I’ve spoken to enough men to know that most have good intentions for their relationships, but women will tell you few are consistent with following through. Guys, please help us understand where it all falls to pieces.

It’s no accident that erotica for women is found in grocery store romance novels and books like, Nicholas Spark’s, The Notebook. Mention this to any female friend and they will nod their head vigorously. In each case, the male lead passionately loves his woman and demonstrates it repeatedly and over time in all sorts of extreme scenarios. No matter what calamities fall in the story, the male hero never waivers. He will fight a dragon, swim seven seas, climbs mountains, all to protect or return to the woman he loves. In a romance novel you won’t see the heroine begging her man to put down his phone and come talk to her. She doesn’t need to, because his focus is on her and doing things that make her feel happy and desired. We know this is pure fantasy, but can’t men take the indirect messages of all that and understand that what turns a woman on in literature, literally turns…

Clients in couples therapy bring with them a story. The same story could be told 100 different ways by 100 different people, as we all have our own point-of-view, but the story a client tells, the way they tell it, and the meaning they give it is all very important information. For the therapist, these stories can be like a puzzle to solve, as if we are untangling some sort of mystery. We must figure out what is making two people so unhappy, what each is capable of or willing to do about it, where are the land mines or deal breakers, and how to turn a toxic relationship into a happy relationship. In the middle of this are wounds, trauma, and intense feelings. At the end of the day, it’s the therapist’s job to guide the couple through and around the obstacles.

Some of the most eye-opening things I have heard in couple’s therapy are often found in how far some spouses are willing to push one another. By push, I mean pressure their partner to do things they don’t feel comfortable with. In therapy, ordinarily, couples ask for more quality time, date nights, physical touch, and affection, or more of a romantic relationship. These are the easy things. But the things some spouses pressure their partner to do… oh my, it’d make your head spin.

My favorite thing to impart to any client is that no one has the right to tell another adult what to do, but I tell clients we all have the right to make a request. The tricky part is that the requests you make of your partner must be reasonable. But who decides what is reasonable? For instance, “I’d like to request that you tell me why you did not come home last night,” might seem like a reasonable request, while “I need you to text me every hour we’re apart to let me know you’re OK,” may sound unreasonable. What is unreasonable to one person may seem very reasonable to another. The face of a spouse who is insecure and anxious is heartbreaking when I tell them they should not expect constant texting throughout the day, but what she’s asking isn’t healthy. A therapist will tell a client that when you don’t get what you want in life, you must practice self-care. Soothe that hurt little child within.​

For many reasons, some adults don’t grow up. Emotionally stuck at ages 5, 8, 14, 16 … they live in a world of dependency, social anxiety, lack of boundaries, and/or low self-esteem. In the most extreme cases, these overgrown Peter Pans reject the idea of sticking their neck out and taking a stab at much of anything …. life experiences such as higher education, career training, or having a serious cause or career, have been dismissed as not in the cards for them; they’ve concluded that if they tried anything of substance, they would fail. Those who do work often have had the job delivered to them via a helpful relative or friend, and there they will stay until hell freezes over. Their idea of the perfect life is never making themselves uncomfortable.

Almost always there is an enabling factor, someone who provides sustenance, shelter, and sometimes, coddling. Just like a crutch used to help a person with a bum leg walk, their assistance allows the emotionally immature person to survive without growing up. Ironically, the enabler is an emotionally immature person as well, just in different ways.

In Pia Mellody’s book Facing Codependence, an owner’s (1) manual for every person with childhood developmental trauma (CDT), which is virtually all of us, she explains that because of things that happened and didn’t happen in childhood, we become stunted at an emotionally young age. It is frighteningly easy for a child to be traumatized, even by little things that, to an outside observer, would not look traumatizing. This is why most of us have thousands of trauma wounds over the course of our childhoods.

The way an emotionally immature adult acts today can help us know at what age they are stuck, obviously, some end up more functional than others. For example, black and white thinkers are stunted at around age 9, before they reached the abstract thinking stage, which happens at around age 11. Children need to meet certain developmental goals throughout their young lives so that when they reach the age to launch, they will have the will, drive, and motivation to do so. Some people with CDT have enough drive to go to college and have a career but their emotional development in…