When a person begins their journey to get healthy, the first step is to learn what healthy self-esteem and boundaries are, and to implement these components into their daily life. Get these two areas on board and working as they should, and your life will transform. Your mental well-being and personal relationships will improve, and then you can move on to deepen your awareness in the other three core areas that will send you into recovery from Childhood Developmental Trauma (CDT), perception (seeing and processing information accurately), dependency, and moderation. It’s a journey that is well-worth the time and effort.

Self-Esteem.

When a person has healthy self-esteem, they value themselves every day, all the time. They know that because they are a human being, they were born precious and valuable. It is an acceptance and appreciation of oneself that is constant and cannot be lost or taken away. It is not dependent on how smart or beautiful you are, how hard you work, how clean your house is, what others think of you, or anything else. If you see someone who has this, you may notice they practice self-care, they make sure their own needs are met, they get physical check ups, take care of their mind and body, get help when needed, they know who they are, and work to live their life authentically, knowing that is what one must do to thrive though the lifespan.

The person with healthy self-esteem avoids comparing themselves to others and harshly judging themself, they learn how to control the negative voice in their head and foster a warm and compassionate relationship with themself. For example, I started adult life as dysfunctional as it gets. I shamed myself for every mistake and bad decision, undervalued my talents and gifts, and kept myself from sticking my neck out to create opportunities because I figured I’d be rejected anyway. I did all these things until I learned not to do them. Now I have nothing but love and compassion for the mistake making woman I am. I look back at 25-year-old clueless Becky who sabotaged herself more times than I can count, and send her only love, understanding, and compassion. The journey of personal growth and…

It’s Probably Not What You Think.

Men and women in relationships are being sexually rejected and they’re extremely frustrated. Their spouse’s lack of interest is ego-crushing and in the end, a big deal. “Is my partner having physiological problems such as erectile dysfunction, low testosterone or hormone levels, is there no more sexual attraction toward me, has my weight gain turned them off?”

“Sandy never initiates sex,” says Bruce, who has been married for 15 years and sits on my couch with his arms locked in front of his chest. “She seems to dread having sex, I don’t even feel like she likes me.”

I look toward Sandy, hoping she doesn’t miss this golden opportunity to have an honest conversation and reassure him. “Of course I like you,” she says. “I am still attracted to you. I do love you. There are reasons for all of this, some I can pinpoint, others, I can’t.”

The reasons Sandy is aware of are: “I am tired, or just not in the mood.” She’s a busy woman, enjoying a fulfilling career and doing most of the managing of two pre-teen children and all their activities. She says life is so full of chores and duties, she just doesn’t think about sex that much.

Later that afternoon, another couple, Sue and husband Jorge have the same issue. Sue points at Jorge and says he has become a sexual slug. “He never comes for me, I feel like I have to beg him to have sex. I feel unattractive and undesired.”

Jorge looks down at his lap and says, “You are attractive and desired, I don’t know what’s wrong with me,”

Sexual frequency and apathy are common marital issues. Lack of sex is a sensitive topic and if it’s ever brought up, it will usually be one person blaming it on themselves and not the other, mainly because the subject of low libido in marriage is so sensitive that most individuals tread very carefully so as not to hurt the other — “We aren’t having sex like we did, it must be me. Something is wrong with me.”

Is it true some things are better left unsaid? If it’s cruel or mean, always, but sometimes difficult truths must come out in the most diplomatic and considerate way. A good way to know if you need to address your lack of intimacy is if it…

Jenny was 18 years old, and my heart ached to see her cry over the loss of her first love. Who doesn’t know the traumatic experience this bestows? It was one year after it had ended, and her father was so worried about her continuing withdrawal and isolation from friends and activities that he asked me to see if I could help. In our first session, Jenny admitted that she didn’t want to come to counseling because she felt she already knew what to do, and that was to not trust people. To her, opening her heart up to anyone, but especially to potential romantic partners, was ground zero for all her past wounds.

“It’s not worth the risk,” she said. “I don’t want to hurt again, and professional help won’t change that.”

No one wants to hurt again, but professional insight can help. All humans get hurt, many of us withdraw, but the day will come when you wake up and feel that tingle once again and know that you are ready to pursue the feeling that only intimate relationships can bring. But to have a romantic relationship that works, or any close relationship, you will have to take a risk, but it can be an intelligent risk. At only 18, Jenny’s plan for moving forward was not the plan I would choose for her. To me, one of the most tragic decisions a person can make is to never allow themselves to love and trust a partner a second time like they did the first time. There must be a way to vet friends and potential mates and end up with the type of trusting relationship we all long to have. The type of trust that allows you to take your walls down, keep them down, and enjoy the fulfillment that solid interpersonal relationships bring.

The most important thing you can do to set yourself up trusting future relationships is to choose friends or lovers who are solid human beings. I’d like to assume everyone knows what that is, but judging by my therapy practice, I see that people either don’t know, or don’t give it much consideration. A solid person is healthy, confident, self-assured, knows who they are, practices self-care and has compassion and empathy for others. They are emotional adults, not children. This does not mean they can’t have a darn good time; it just means that they are a person of agency, and you can count…