Hi Martin,

Thanks for responding to my comment. I am looking at this from a therapist’s point-of-view, no doubt. One of the biggest problems I see in my practice is people not accurately interpreting and perceiving information, and also putting a meaning about something together without a shred of evidence to prove their story. This phenomenon is rampant, and close to 90%+ of people have this issue, I’d guess-timate. So when you say “everyone else said it happened to them,” I am skeptical of their reality and meaning making, in addition to the author’s. I also know from my work that people will deny having any part of a situation that didn’t turn out well for them, and afterward concoct a story where they are the hero, the offender is the villain, of course, and the story dictates that the hero was treated cruelly and without cause. (Surely you have heard your friends give you the short version of their divorce.) So I am skeptical of this story, and had I read all of the comments, I would also have been skeptical of theirs.

I feel certain that this action, by Air BNB, did not occur out-of-the blue. Many of the commenters say they will not use Air BNB after reading about such nasty treatment. If you knew how many people are nutty and difficult out there, you might better understand their death penalty policy. They aren’t wanting to deal with the nutty and difficult people, so they accept the sacrifice of losing some of the ones who were truly ill-treated. Who has the time and resources to investigate every cases? I am imagining they are taking the path that saves them the most time, erring on the side of the reporter or hosts, as without our beautiful places and helpful hosting, they would not exist.

One sign that someone might very well be nutty and difficult is watching them in the aftermath — protesting from the rooftops in a punitive way to anyone who will listen — negative reviews, blog articles, blah, blah. This isn’t a deadly shooting or anything of such import, it’s just the loss of something that can easily be replaced with other apps and organizations. Making a huge damn deal of a little damn deal says a lot, in my opinion. Still I don’t know the truth, so I can’t say the blog author is wrong, I can just say I am skeptical of the story.

If it happened to me, I would write it off as a learning experience and find another place to stay.

Becky

https://doctorbecky.com/2018/07/18/hi-martin-15f633640083/

Hi, for what it’s worth, I’m an Air BNB Super Host, so I’m familiar with the whole way it works.

There is no way a person reading your article can know the truth, as your story is yours, and the other sides to the tale aren’t told (by them). What catches my attention, however, is the many ways, and the tremendous effort you have put into telling your side, to achieve what? Injury to the other parties, perhaps? Revenge?

I have had great experiences with my guests, and have written only one negative review, and he too claimed to be clueless as to how he’d been a less than great guest. I gave him a long list; half-eaten food and bulging trash bags left piled around, no beds stripped as requested, no towels put in one place like we ask (it helps us find every towel, every sheet). Dirty dishes in the sink. it took us three times longer to clean after he left than any other guest. My thought about guests are, they need to treat your place as if they are staying at a good friend’s house, with extraordinary respect and care.

So your host made a mistake, why couldn’t you just be gracious and respectful and move on? I’m a therapist in my day job, and clients tell me stories all the time. I’ve learned that if the story doesn’t make sense, they’re leaving something out. Your story doesn’t make sense. Air BNB kicked you out because of no good reason?

What would make sense is if your reaction and response to your host was too intense, your protesting done in a scary way, which the host would report, and probably suggest that Air BNB not risk having you stay in their venues anymore. What would make sense is that Air BNB saw you as high-risk, a potential troublemaker.

I think the fact that you took your case to other web sites and posted the story again and again speaks to the fact that there is something in you that has to be right, and you have to be the victim here. You will not, or cannot see their point-of-view, and that in itself is dangerous.

There is a very common defense mechanism we see in the therapy room, it’s called, “Offending from the victim position.” This is when someone, who has clearly done something wrong, somehow manages to turn the tables on the person they wronged, while playing victim at the same time. I think that may be what’s going on here.

https://doctorbecky.com/2018/07/15/hi-for-what-it-s-worth-i-m-an-air-bnb-super-host-so-i-m-familiar-with-the-whole-way-it-works-e9a1b485d9/

What’s reasonable to ask of your spouse? Sometimes a therapist must be the judge.

Clients in couple’s therapy bring with them a story. The same story could be told 100 different ways by 100 different people, but the story a client tells, the way they tell it, and the meaning they give it is all very important information. For the therapist these stories can be like watching a movie, reality show, sit com, or reading a compelling book, provoking feelings such as anger at life’s injustices, sadness at the losses, and laughter at how ridiculous people can sometimes be.

Some of the most eye-opening things I have heard in couple’s therapy are often found in how far some spouses are willing to push another, and the requests that one spouse makes of the other. For instance, “Why did you not come home last night?” or, “I need you to text me every hour we’re apart and let me know you’re OK.” What may sound absolutely unreasonable to you and me may seem very reasonable to another.

One thing I’ve learned over the years in couple’s therapy is that when a spouse faces a behavior that could lead them straight to the marital dog house, and his or her explanation doesn’t make sense, it is because the person is leaving out important details, or just flat-out lying. When I first started out as a therapist, I’d blame myself for not being smart enough to figure out what I was missing, but now I know it’s not me, it’s them, and I am highly likely to tell them so.

Another thing I’ve learned is that occasionally I might as well be a judge with a black robe and gavel, as I must occasionally make rulings about what is reasonable in a marriage, and what is not. It is a very common scenario when one spouse really wants their partner to do something the other person really does not want to do. Where do we spouses draw the line between making a stand for what we’re comfortable with versus being a loving, supportive and accommodating spouse?

Luckily, I have a great sense of what is reasonable and what isn’t, and with that in mind, I’ll share a few rulings I have had to make during couple’s therapy:

1. Husband says to wife of many years, who has stated she is terrified of divorce and going it alone: “OK then, I want you to let me keep my girlfriend, and we will stay married and be like we always have been, and then we won’t have to get divorced, and we won’t have to change our lives.”

Ruling: Request denied. Never ask your spouse to give up their inner peace so you can have it. It is immature to bring your ideal-world fantasies into your marriage and seriously propose it to your partner, especially when you’re smart enough to know that your request would be a bitter pill for any person to swallow.

2. Husband says: “OK, OK, I have kept my master/slave needs from you all these years, but now that you know, let me be your slave! I would be the happiest man on earth if you would just let me be your slave and order me around, and then occasionally let me dress as a French maid and serve you tea while you abuse me.”

Ruling: I didn’t have to deny this one. The wife quickly said, “If you want this to be a part of our marriage, and if you continue on this path, I will not respect you and will not stay married to you, period.” I felt her response was very reasonable, and applauded her for being true to herself and stating her stance clearly and firmly.

3. Wife says: I know I have cheated on you with my work colleague, and now you want to tell my boss, my colleague’s wife, and for me to quit my job, but that’ll destroy two families instead of just one. I will behave, I promise. I will never be romantic with my friend again. Ever. Just keep this all in our family, and don’t make me leave the job I love.

Ruling: Request denied. I am a firm believer that spouses who cheat should imagine all the things that might occur as a result before they take the plunge into infidelity. Asking for mercy and forgiveness after-the-fact does not sit well with spouses who have been traumatized by betrayal. Many times, for there to be any chance of recovery, the traumatized spouse will need for the cheater to take drastic, sometimes difficult, painful and embarrassing action to win back the trust and confidence that the relationship will need moving forward. I think having to leave a beloved job where the betrayal took place is a reasonable request if a marriage is to survive. Another important point is that a request like this is quite manipulative, attempting to lay guilt on the devastated spouse should he or she be so cruel as to make them pay a heavy price for their marital crime. Don’t fall for it. Caveat: I would recommend you do call the spouse, don’t tell the boss. It could affect your spouse’s ability to get re-employed, which could hurt you/your family. If it ever happens again, though, tell whomever you choose, then leave.

4. Wife says: “You are more attached and devoted to your secretary than you are to me. Your closeness is totally inappropriate! I want her gone! It’s her or me!”

Ruling: It depends. If this is paranoia-based, meaning there are no solid facts to back up the argument, then of course the secretary should stay. But if the accusations are based in provable facts, then of course, the secretary needs to go. I have seen both situations in my practice. This is very common and occurs when spouses allow themselves to share their personal life details with their assistants and co-workers, which builds a bond of caring and closeness. Solid, professional boundaries are the best prevention.

5. Spouse says, “I have a fantasy that we will will bring other people into our bedroom and/or join a club where couples switch partners. I would like for us to try this.”

Ruling: Ugh. I see couples whose relationships are in trouble. In the history of my practice I have never seen bringing third parties into the bedroom work out in a positive way, although I am told, and have read, that it can work for some people. If it was to work, there would have to be clear rules, boundaries and communication, and my concern is not that many people are good at that.

Why do I encounter so many people who ask their partners to do what most of us would think are unreasonable things? Part of it is, when Rome is falling, one strategy might be to make a Hail Mary pass and see if against all odds, the other person catches the ball. Another part is that a certain percentage of our population are absolutely shameless, feel no guilt or remorse, and will shamelessly pursue any goal they have in mind without regard for other people’s feelings. There are many bona fide mental disorders where this is the case, but if you glob them all together, we could be looking at 20 percent of the population, or more — one in five people. Wish I had better news.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. is a Marriage and Family Therapist and blogger and works in private practice in Little Rock, Arkansas. www.doctorbecky.com