It may be your fault that your life and relationships aren’t working.

Although we all do our best to live in a world of equality and hearing both sides of a story before making a conclusion, as a couple’s therapist I have a very important announcement to make: Sometimes, after hearing all the complaints and experiencing how each person operates with my own eyes and ears, I can say that the cause of marital problems are sometimes, OK often, not equally divided between the two spouses. Indeed, sometimes it is primarily one person who causes the vast majority of issues in the relationship.

So there, I said it. Sometimes it is primarily one person’s fault for a relationship not working. (Note: I did not say all the time). But I also know that the person who I pinpoint as the dysfunctional one will fight to the death to not be seen as such. This is why we marriage therapists earn what we are paid. We wrestle alligators, we get slammed, and people call us names we wouldn’t want our family to hear.

When couples come in, I do my best to try and figure out what is going on that creates the dysfunction. My thoughts are a blank slate. Usually, the two people are nervous, and especially fearful that I will blame them — husbands seem especially concerned about this one.

So, I proceed into the sensitive waters of their marital story to try and get to the bottom of what’s not working, and many times, I quickly hit a roadblock: One person is so afraid of being seen as the only one to blame that he can’t even bear for me to ask him questions.

“Why are you focusing on me?” Bob says.

“Because I am curious about some things, and I am trying to get clarity and understanding so I can help you,” I say.

“Why aren’t you talking to my wife? It seems like you think I am the main problem, here.”

Bam! “Here we go”, I am thinking as I sense what I need to know is on display before me. I feel like a fisherman with a nibble on his line.

“Because I can’t question or talk to both of you at the same time. I have to talk to one, then the other. What makes you think I believe you are the main one to blame?”

“Because you’re focusing on me.”

Right. That little interaction has told me several things that will be helpful moving along:

1. His reality is off. He makes up negative meanings where I meant nothing negative.

2. He is extremely sensitive to the possibility of being seen as wrong or bad.

3. His self-esteem is very low. He takes things personally.

4. He is defensive as way to protect himself from harm.

This is not to say that I won’t hit dysfunctional gold when I speak with the other spouse, I might, and if I do I will have a messy cocktail on my hands. But so many times it is that one person who is so difficult to have a conversation with that I have to believe my personal experience with them is a microcosm for how they are with others. You can’t have a two-way, back-and-forth conversation with someone whose alarm bells of threat start going off the minute you ask them the first or second question. It prevents relationship, period.

The cliché “You can’t have a healthy relationship with others until you have one with yourself,” is true, and should not really be thrown aside as just a cliché. It is so important, in fact, that it is the point I make to couples very early in the process of marital therapy: You have to get healthy and confident about who you are, so you can have a back-and-forth, give-and-take relationship with someone else. Without that, it is not possible. And the really bad news is, a huge portion of our population do not feel that way about themselves.

So, what to do? I really feel that these sorts of things — how to converse in a healthy way with other human beings, how to have a good relationship with yourself — need to be taught starting in elementary school and continue all the way through high school. We teach so many subjects during these years that will be of no use, so why not prioritize something that could change family functioning and the world for years to come?

It takes courage to face the ugly or dysfunctional things about us as individuals that need to be faced. We need to start a cultural conversation that speaks to the fact that doing this is a sign of strength, not weakness, and that if your life or relationship is not working, it is best to look in the mirror instead of pointing to others as the cause.

I started off in life with what might have been the lowest self-esteem ever recorded, and through education, counseling, and diligent determination to not be unhealthy I turned myself into a confident woman who has a very good, compassionate relationship with herself. I have learned how to be relational with others, and it has changed everything. If I can do this, I truly believe anyone can, but therapy is expensive and so many people will never have access to it. If I couldn’t have afforded it, I would still be that dysfunctional, floundering woman I once was. That is why we need a better plan to provide this information to everyone, for free.

I know why Congress is the most dysfunctional family in the USA — I was there.

Before I married a man who would become a Democratic United States Congressman in 1998, (from Texas’s 20th Congressional District), I only knew what I’d learned in eighth grade civics class about the United States House of Representatives. When we got to Washington in January 1999, the Republican impeachment managers were trying to bring down Bill Clinton, though before that Democrats and Republicans had been locked in a bitter divide over other things. Ever hopeful that one day we would all be able to get along, I quickly learned why that could never be.

In our first weeks there, we both went to orientations for incoming congressmen and their families, where we learned all the ethical rules, the dos and don’ts, tips on how to manage two households and how to get the absolute cheapest airline tickets without breaking any rules. We traveled to the John F. Kennedy School of Government in Boston to be schooled in issues of the day, and about a year later, we went on a Bipartisan Congressional Retreat hosted every non-election year by the Congressional Institute, a nonprofit organization created in 1987 to encourage members of Congress to discuss issues in a civil manner. Who wouldn’t want to go on an almost all-expenses paid luxury vacation with your kids, be protected the entire time by Capitol Police in a Hotel Resort that had been blockaded by police so the public and press could not get in. We were in Hershey, Pennsylvania, and our kids got to run the halls of the entire place in total safety. Young, dynamic college kids were watching after them, there was free candy piled everywhere and so many entertaining things for them to do — pinball and arcade games, karaoke booths, sports competitions … that my son exclaimed, “This is the most fun I have ever had in my life!”

While the kids played, what did the adults do? We were hauled off to do group therapy with members of the other party. There were about 10 democrats and 10 republicans and their spouses sitting in a circle in each room. We were given the rules of engagement for the conversations, and then a facilitator brought up the topics. Those topics, by the way, totally ignored the true issues of the day that divided the parties, and stayed on more benign subjects. I just kept thinking, “What a waste of time this is.”

So, within a year of arriving there, I learned that any sort of reconciliation or future compromising behavior would not be in the cards now, or most probably, ever.

Some of the lawmakers in our group had served a long time, and they reported that there was a lot of history of mistreatment by each party to the other over the years. One Republican said he would never forgive the many years of Democratic leadership of the past. In the past 100 years, for example, Democrats have had the majority 65 of those years. “You would never compromise with us, you bullied us, forced unwanted policies down our throats, wouldn’t give us a voice on any issue, and now that we have control you are squealing cry-babies because you’re getting a dose of your own medicine. We know that if we worked with you, that it wouldn’t make a difference in the future. if you ever got control again, you’d go back to being bullies all over again, so forget it.”

Wow, I was stunned. And then the bickering intensified, the facilitator tried to calm everyone down, and nothing meaningful was ever achieved. Spouses sat quietly. It was obvious from the start that the lawmakers didn’t want to be hearing comments from the peanut gallery.

I was thankful for this moment, because I really do think that the republican Congressman explained it all in a nutshell. You treated us badly for years, so now we will, and that is what goes down in the House of Representatives. Exactly like a crazy and dysfunctional family who won’t cooperate on principal, there was too much wounded pride and ego on both sides to just drop the needless standoffs and say, “You know what, we’re hurting America, why don’t we work together for a change?”

Every time there is a new majority in the House, new wounds are piled on top of the old. The immaturity exhibited by each side, the abuse, disrespect, manipulation, have become an endless circle of spoiled brats forcing their wishes on the underdog. It will never end.

I ended up only being in Washington for three years. The Congressman and I got a divorce, and the political adventures ended for me. I did get just enough of a taste to see how it works, to see how fundraising and lobby money spoils the true reason everyone is there, how the leadership of each party tells their little minions (the Congressional flock) what to do, and if they don’t do it, they’ll run people against them in the primary. I saw what a ridiculous and hopeless system it is altogether.

After this, I went to graduate school, studied Marriage and Family Therapy, and learned how to read and analyze families, their communications, and then to teach them how to do it in a healthier way. I realized in this process that not only is the House of Representatives behaving in a dysfunctional and immature way, so is the United States in dealing with other countries, as are many people and institutions we rely on in our world. What would be a solution to change the negative patterns, and have a Congress that can communicate and compromise in a healthy way?

The only solution I see is to vote every single one of them out so that there is no past history or bad blood, bring in new strategies for party leadership that are not dictator-like and punitive when the lawmakers don’t “go along.” Allow members to be who they are, and fight for what they believe in, regardless of what party leaders say or want. Is it a pipe dream? Maybe, but I keep telling myself that if the families I work with can do it, so can our lawmakers.

(Don’t Hate me For Saying) You Need to Give More to Your Relationship

“This one thinks being dependent or having needs is weak,” she said, as she pushed herself forward on the couch, pointing toward her husband. “Because of this, I’m not supposed to ask him for anything. Is this really true? It just doesn’t make sense to me. If that’s what it is, then what is marriage?”

“No, it’s not true,” I said. “It is completely normal and healthy to be in a relationship and have wants and needs from your partner, and to depend on that person in many ways. To not be that way is a huge problem.”

She sat back against the couch and glanced at her husband as he looked away.

Deciding what is too much dependence, or independence, in adult romantic relationships is a huge issue, and most couples are lost when it comes to understanding it. Mention to some that they need to give more to their partner, to … dare I say, have a servant’s heart in their marriage, and they will become defiant, indignant, and reject the idea, saying, “Are you crazy? What kind of a therapist would say something like that? I will be no one’s servant, I only do what I want to do!” (I sigh.)

Tell another they need to be more independent and learn how to get their own needs met when their partner is unable to do so, and they look at you like, “How the heck do I do that?” (I am amazed.)

A therapist’s job can be like dodging bullets, especially when we present healthy ideas that our clients have previously thought were dysfunctional ideas. People often will buck, resist and seem to be ready for a fight. What disgruntled partners usually want when they come in for therapy is for the other person to change themselves to meet their needs or requirements, whether those are healthy, reasonable or not.

When this happens, all we can do is educate and present our case for what a healthy functioning relationship looks like, and hope they’re open to new thinking. Some people aren’t, so if a client rejects the new information and becomes defiant about what they will and will not do, I feel dark clouds rolling in. Why? Because it is a humble attitude, a, “What can I do to serve this relationship,” mentality that research and experience tell us makes the greatest, most fulfilling marriages. What never works is being on your high horse and drawing lines in the sand of possibilities; an open heart and attitude is critical.

When it comes to give and take, depending on another, and being independent, what is healthy in romantic relationships? Interdependence is considered to be the model for couples in the new millennium, and if you aren’t practicing it or aren’t interested in learning what healthy dependency in relationships looks like in adulthood, then proceed in relationships at your own peril. It is of vital importance and a major cog in the wheel of healthy relationships, and it’s a subject much like how to figure a square root or bake a pie, if you guess at how to do it on your own, you’re probably going to mess it up, so learn it we must.

The idea of interdependence is that you begin with two adults who are both able to be independent and take care of themselves — financially, emotionally, and physically. This is where so many adults fall off the rails — they lack the ability to be solid in one or all of these areas, which sets the relationship up for certain, predictable problems. Examples: Grown-ups who are dependent on other adults financially, people who can’t be alone, people who can’t take care of their basic daily needs on their own, people afraid to make decisions on their own or to even advocate for themselves when faced with an injustice …

You also have to have a person who is able to give and receive physically and emotionally, and who is not walled off and emotionally unavailable. If someone won’t share with you who they are, and be open and vulnerable, it’s a warning sign that you won’t find emotional intimacy with them.

If you do have two people who are solid in these areas, they can come together to create a more powerful unit of helping, sharing, contributing, supporting and leaning on one another. If either one falters, becomes sick, or just needs to lean on someone, the other can hold them up — what a great idea of being truly better together, with someone you can count on!

Most couples do not have this, and what I see time and again is dysfunctional dependency ranging from completely dependent on other adults in whatever way, or anti-dependent, with no needs or wants to receive from, lean on or depend on another adult in any way. Either extreme will lead to relational troubles, and often I have one of each in any given relationship I am working with.

I can always tell when someone is needless or want-less in counseling session, because one spouse will be giving me a laundry list of his or her needs and wants in the marriage, and when I turn to the other spouse and ask them what they need or want, they say, “I don’t need or want anything, I just want (put spouse’s name here) to be happy.”

People who are anti-dependent got there one of two ways: In childhood they were neglected and never got their needs or wants met, so they adapted to live without them, or they were shamed whenever they spoke of wanting or needing something, so they stopped wanting and needing. One client told me that he always wanted to wear the latest shoes, jeans or t-shirts that guys at his high school were wearing, but his dad shamed him for wanting to fit in, refused to contribute to it, and made him buy any new clothes at WalMart. To avoid the hurt and disappointment of wanting and needing and not getting, he turned off his needing and wanting valve, and evolved into a man who did not care about getting things for himself from others, and never turned it back on.

When I think of the dependent adult, I think of someone who is needy in a way that they want other adults to do for them what they could or should do for themselves. The anti-dependent adult is like an island within themselves, allergic to connection and needing anything from others. “I don’t need anyone, I can do it all myself,” they might say.

But grown adults do need other adults, and since we are born with needs and wants, that is the nature of human beings. If we don’t have that, we lost it. If we can’t take care of ourselves now that we’re grown, then it’s as if we never grew up. What we have to find when we become adults is the balance of getting enough of what we need or want, without being overly needy and expecting others to do things for you, or too frugal and denying with ourselves in a way that makes us uncomfortable asking for things from others or unable to feel needs and wants at all. Adults can tune in once again to what they want and need, and wake up that part of their humanity, and it’s well worth the effort.

So many adults in our culture spend much of their time helping and taking care of other people, including other grownups, and in this time-consuming process they put themselves last on the list. This is not a good recipe, and when people like this come to see me, I give them the healthy rules for being able to take care of themselves and for helping and taking care of other adults:

1. Avoid asking for help when you can take care of the need or want yourself. This keeps you from being too dependent.
2. Decline helping if you think you will be resentful (victim anger). This avoids overextending yourself.
3. Decline helping if you will enable the other adult to be dependent.

When it comes to children and teaching them to have healthy dependency, our job is to teach them how to care for themselves, to be able to be alone if need be, and to be with others in interdependent give-and-take relationships. We must nurture them continually as children, and then lovingly push them out of the nest on an age-appropriate level. This means letting them do things themselves, solve their own problems, figuring out solutions, all while you standby as a loving support if needed. This teaches the concept of people helping people, and the power of community, and discourages them from becoming an adult who can’t function on their own.