The Number One Reason Your Spouse Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With You.

It’s Probably Not What You Think.

Men and women in relationships are being sexually rejected and they’re extremely frustrated.

“Sandy never initiates sex,” says Bruce, who has been married for 15 years and sits on my couch with his arms locked in front of his chest. “She seems to dread having sex, I don’t even feel like she likes me.”

I look toward Sandy, hoping she doesn’t miss this golden opportunity to reassure him. “Of course I like you,” she says. “I am still attracted to you. I do love you. There are reasons for all of this, some I can pinpoint, others, I can’t.”

The reasons Sandy is aware of are: “I am tired, or just not in the mood.” She’s a busy woman, enjoying a fulfilling career and doing most of the managing of two pre-teen children and all their activities. She says life is so full of chores and duties, she just doesn’t think about sex that much.

Later that afternoon, another couple, Sue and husband Jorge have the same issue. Sue points at Jorge and says he has become a sexual slug. “He never comes for me, I feel like I have to beg him to have sex. I feel unattractive and undesired.”

Jorge looks down at his lap and says, “You are attractive and desired, I don’t know what’s wrong with me,”

These are common marital intimacy and sexual apathy issues. If the subject is ever brought up, it will usually be one person blaming it on themselves and not the other, mainly because the subject of sex in marriage is so sensitive that most individuals tread very carefully so as not to hurt the other — “We aren’t having sex like we did, it must be me.” Is it true some things are better left unsaid? Sometimes, but if it weighs on your ability to enjoy the marriage, and resentment is seeping in, you must bring up your concerns in a loving, compassionate, respectful and diplomatic way.

Most people get that overwhelmed and anxious people probably don’t think about sex that much, it’s understandable, but it must be temporary. Get your life in balance and turn back to your relationship.

But there is another, very important reason sexual relations slow or stop, and that’s because couples stopped doing the things they once did that got their mate to think of them in that way, the romantic way. When relationships are new, it’s easy. Both sides obsess about each other and make time for each other. We present our best self to our mate, we are kind, thoughtful and attentive. This is what keeps the romantic fires stoked. But by the time couples like Bruce and Sandy, Sue and Jorge come in, they have stopped all that, and they’ve romantically drifted apart. The longer you don’t think and act romantically about your mate, the harder it is to return to it, but it can be done.

Bruce’s romantic flame isn’t totally out, of course, that’s almost never the case with anyone. Like most, he can be kind and thoughtful, but not nearly enough to put him on Sandy’s sexual radar with regularity. Women need more than fumes to keep them sexually engaged with someone, they need continual wooing, flirting, generosity and kindness. This is the work of marriage. Men need focused attention, too.

With women, most know they need to be revved up to get to the same place of desire where most men start off, and can’t get “there” 5 minutes before the target sex time. Bruce admits his idea of foreplay is to walk in the room a few minutes before bedtime and say something like, “What are the chances I can get laid tonight?” That sort of crude engagement will leave a woman cold, and if she does agree to sex, it will take place in a state of resignation and awareness that this decision is seen as a duty performed to placate a partner’s urges, rather than the moment of emotional intimacy and romantic fun it was meant to be. The man will feel this, of course, and wrongly make up a meaning that he is sexually unappealing to her, then fall into his toxic shame and resentment where he will tell himself terrible things and needlessly allow the relationship’s stock to drop. Just like Bruce. In my experience, what is usually going on is that the rejected spouse has stopped bringing their best, most loving self to the relationship, which would have naturally led to their partner feeling romantic warmth toward them. If either partner stops treating the other like a boy or girlfriend, they will emotionally and sexually drift apart, it’s intimacy math.

Jorge and Sue have the same issue, he stopped doing all the things Sue needed to stay romantically engaged, and she’s in a state anguished protest that will lead to total emotional disconnect if he doesn’t step up to the plate.

Revelation: Most people aren’t thinking of having sex with human porcupines, grouches, those who have lost their vim and verve (at least around their mate), and people who have allowed themselves to get mentally and/or emotionally unhealthy. Bring negative energy to the household, and your family will run for the hills. It is every partner’s responsibility to bring the opposite of that to their relationship, no excuses.

I’ve had plenty of clients who have told me they lost interest in sex because penetration got painful, hormones or testosterone were out of whack, or some other physiological reason messed them up, then never did anything about it. If sex is an important part of your relationship to at least one person, a partner has to be on top of these issues seeking answers and solutions as soon as they show up rather than slink back into resignation that “This is just the way it is.” Most partners who maintain their sexual desire and have a mate with issues of this sort will not tolerate a lifetime of intimate lockout, and if it happens, will eventually leave or have an affair.

This sort of thing can be prevented by dedicating yourself to bringing your best self to your relationship. If you don’t feel that way right now, you need to figure out what will get you there and do it. Love is a verb, and you cannot love your mate without doing the actions that make them feel loved. It can’t just be what you are capable of or feel like doing. It has to be directed at their individual needs and desires. Failure to do this leads to two people living in a parallel universe, who are not connecting. It doesn’t have to be this way. Proactive action is always the way out of marital unhappiness.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas and licensed LPC in Arkansas. Her licenses are under her legal name, Becky Whetstone Cheairs. Her web sites are www.doctorbecky.com and www.marriagecrisismanager.com. She welcomes your comments.

Your family is nuts and you still visit during the holidays?

As the season for family get togethers approaches, numerous clients reach out to their therapists for an inoculation of protection, meant to shield them from the verbal and emotional land mines they will encounter when stepping into their extended family zones. A therapist can assure a client that if it isn’t safe, for whatever reason, it is perfectly OK not to go at all, but few back away and insist on running into the burning house anyway.

“I will never hear the end of it if I don’t go,” they insist. “And I can’t see the relatives I do like without seeing the ones I don’t.

Excellent boundaries will take care of all of it, but only a small percentage of clients practice them. Instead, justifications for electing to endure holiday family torture are many. People go, and what happens inside will most likely be as it usually is, a bombardment of unwanted questions, comments, actions and judgments that send the visitor’s autonomic nervous system on high alert. Here’s a few of the most common scenarios, and what to do about them:

1. Problem: Parents of adult children deem that everything their child does is their business and theirs to comment on, critique, control and correct. All advice is binding and if it isn’t taken, they will punish said child with a negative outcome such as the silent treatment, open disapproval, threat of disinheritance or criticism.

Healthy reality: Parents of adult children should stay out of a grown child’s business unless requested to enter into it. The only healthy stance for parents of adults is to love, accept, support, cheerlead and stand by as a wise consultant if asked. Here is how the math works when it goes the other way — the more the elder parents meddle, the more their adult child will dread seeing them, and the more the concept of estrangement becomes likely.

Appropriate Response: Let your family know that you are grown up now and therefore it is inappropriate to offer unsolicited advice. Request that they not offer up observations or critiques unless asked. If they don’t respect that request, it’s time to minimize the time you spend with them. Then, when they complain that they don’t see you as often, tell them it is because they did not respect your boundary. When it comes to inheritance, don’t sell yourself out to get family money. Live and prepare as if you will never get anything, as many families blow their fortunes or don’t leave what you think they will. Adopt a stance of, “If I get some money or property, great, but I’m not going to lose myself to get it.” Banking on inheritance and allowing abuse because of it is terrible self-care.

2. Problem: Adult child arrives with a friend, partner, spouse or child, and certain family members engage in a cruel form of entertainment by telling shameful and embarrassing stories from the family repertoire about the adult child, who played the starring role in a wide array of foolish debacles best forgotten. The family may laugh, but the embarrassed adult feels exposed and violated, because they are.

Healthy reality: Families should never tell stories about other family members when the theme is not uplifting, loving and/or kind. Throwing such a person under the story-telling bus is verbal and emotional abuse, and a form of bullying. If you even think of doing such a thing, ask your family member’s permission to tell the story first, in private, and if they say no, don’t do it.

Response: If your family is not diplomatic and political, meaning they are not kind and don’t consider the long-term ramifications of their actions, and they choose to abuse and control you, there is only one solution, spend your holidays elsewhere. If that is too harsh, you can first tell them if they ever do something like that again you will disappear for a very long time, then if they repeat the shaming stories, do that.

3. Problem: “They like other family members better than me.” Mom forms an alliance with her grown daughter against her second daughter, etc.

Healthy reality: I hear about this one every year, always from the excluded person. Most of us favor one parent over another, or one sibling or child over another, and that is just being human. The fact is some people are more likable or have more interests in common with us than others. Healthy people don’t make their preferences obvious in the interest of family well-being and harmony. In dysfunctional families, especially ones where at least one parent is a narcissist, there will be a golden child, and a black sheep or neglected child. They make it blatantly obvious which child is which, and they will rally gangs of family members to try and negatively control the errant sheep, a concept beloved by narcissists known as Divide and Conquer.

Response: Don’t give in to the attempts to control. These people are not trainable, it is what it is, and if it happens to you find people who treat you as the precious human you are.

4. Problem: Grandparents undermine young parents with the grandchildren.

Healthy reality. Young families are the rulers of their own domain, and the beliefs and values they follow are the law in their family unit, so young families get to choose how they raise their children. Grandparents in functional families respect these values and have conversations with their children about what boundaries they should follow regarding visits, roles, indulgences, and what they share.

Response: If you haven’t set clear understandings and boundaries with your parents about what you need regarding their relationship with your children, don’t delay in doing it. Each spouse should be the one who does this with their own parents. Breaches of these values or rules moving forward should be pointed out, and requests to respect them reiterated. If Grandparents don’t respect the young family’s wishes, it should not be ignored. Instead, a harsh reprimand and warning of losing access to the grandchildren should be put on the table. If they continue to do as they choose, minimize access or cut them off. Note: It is perfectly healthy and normal to allow some Grandparent indulgence and rule-breaking, that is part of the fun of Grandparents, but you get a say in what that is. For example: No TV at your house, but the kids can watch a couple of shows when with your parents.

One thing that is vitally important is to understand how important it is to speak out when someone crosses the line, whether family, friend, or co-worker. So many people feel the emotional pain of being breached, the raising of the heart rate and rising steam, but end up absorbing the negative energy and saying nothing. This is extremely damaging. Our souls need us to say something, to have a voice. This will allow us to discharge the negative energy of the moment instead of absorbing and storing it. This does not mean being unkind, disrespectful, or going on the attack, it means a calm response, like, “Wow, I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “That really hurts when you say or do things like that,” or “I wish you would respect my wishes.” If you find it difficult to do it in the moment, your soul will be OK with a response later, but make sure you do it. This is excellent self-care.