Why you shouldn’t marry more than once.

The divorce rate for second marriages is estimated to be around 65 percent — significantly higher than that of first marriages. There are numerous reasons why second-timers have a harder time, such as personal baggage carried in from other relationships, whether to have a pre-nuptial agreement, how and whether to meld long-established belongings like businesses, money, houses, furniture and pets, and heck, it’s easier to leave a second time once you’ve done it a first time.

Still, nothing ups the odds of divorce more than having children from another marriage added to the dynamic. There are a multitude of ways having kids can send a couple who otherwise might stay married, running to divorce court. This is the reason that I tell couples with kids still at home to think twice, three, four times before saying I do again. And if your kids are grown you should only have to think twice.

Here are the kid-related complicating factors that often break second marriages:

• A spouse doesn’t bond with the other person’s kids. Sometimes a step mom or dad doesn’t feel the love for the new step kids and doesn’t appreciate spending time with them. It can create a situation where the parent feels torn between the new spouse and kids, and that’s a terrible feeling.
• A spouse puts his or her kids before the new marriage. If you decide to marry, your spouse needs to come first. If you put the kids first, the chances you’ll divorce go even higher than the already high average. In any marriage, no matter if your first or fifth, marriage always comes before kids.
• Preferential treatment of biological children. When the love, money, time and treatment blatantly favor a spouse’s own over the steps, it causes the new spouse to resent and lose respect. The kids see it, too, and it’s especially troublesome and dividing when one set of kids get to live a higher socio-economic lifestyle than the others.
• The kids hate and refuse to accept the new step parent. Why? Because the relationship started as an affair, or the kids perceive them as an obstacle to their parent’s reuniting, or the kids want their parent all to themselves. Kids will be fiercely loyal to a parent who was left due to an affair, and a step parent who was the “other” woman or man will have a next-to-impossible job winning them over. Also, kids want their parents together, and if they can’t have that, they want their parent to themselves. A stepparent is difficult to tolerate, and that’s what many kids do, tolerate. Putting innocent children in such a position of discomfort is unconscionable.
• One spouse is enmeshed with a child, creating jealousy from the new spouse. Sometimes a parent has a relationship with a child or children that is close in an unhealthy way. If a new spouse feels like a third or fourth wheel it’s not going to be good for the marriage.
• Differences in disciplining the kids, or one spouse telling another how better to raise their child. If you judge and criticize there is an 85 percent chance you’ll be divorced in 5 years. If your spouse has kids, it’s best to step aside and allow them to raise them in their preferred way, and you raise yours your way, or if you don’t have kids, stay out of it. (That is why I think the role of stepparent is exceeding difficult. Doing it successfully requires a person to set their feelings aside for the higher good of the family.)
• One spouse attempts to parent older children he or she didn’t raise. When you marry someone with a baby or toddler it is entirely appropriate to treat the child as any parent would. But when you come in late in the game, when a child has a history of two parents and is age 9 or over, you best defer to the biological parent to do the disciplining or face serious resentment from the child. For older children, your best bet is to stand by in a supportive friend role.
• Older kids don’t feel comfortable with a new person in their world. Think about it … a new adult arrives in your house and you’re supposed to live with them all or half the time … it’s not comfortable, it’s weird, sort of like having a house guest that doesn’t leave. It makes me cringe when parents try to force their children to “love” the new intruder. For most kids it will take them years, often five or more, to adjust to it, if they ever do. Knowing the children are uncomfortable will weigh on many biological parents.

I am a hard-liner when it comes to second marriages when young children are involved because I deal with the damage of it most days of my professional life. If your marriage ended in divorce, I think the best thing a parent could do is hold off on serious relationships until the children are launched — at least until they’re in their teens or later. While I am a huge believe in adult self-care and being pro-active about getting your needs met, I think if you divorce, your focus must be on your children first and foremost. They didn’t choose divorce, you and or your former spouse did. What kids need after such a huge change and disruption in their lives is you. Bringing in a stepparent is usually unwanted and barely tolerated, except in rare cases.

Holiday wars can damage Marriage Town.

Holidays are difficult for families because of all the things we plan and how they clash with what other people want and plan. Then, throw in the personalities of people who have no filter with the people that do, and you will have holiday wars.

For the family and friends who want and plan you will have to deal with situations such as, “I want you to go to Grandma’s on Christmas Eve,” while you say, “Well I want to visit my husband’s family,” and on and on. When you’re single, it’s relatively easy because there’s usually just one or two families to deal with, but when you marry you’ve got those plus the wishes, desires and obligations of someone else. A lot of damage can be done to the relationship if you don’t know the best way to handle it … so here are some relationship felonies you’ll want to avoid:

1. Changing plans at the last minute. You had agreed to go to your husband’s Aunt Thelma’s house on Sunday for a holiday brunch and moments before it’s time to leave, you make an excuse and bow out, but he knows the truth. Your husband angrily goes alone, but when he gets back you’ll find your plot to manipulate will backfire. Spouses get insanely angry when they see their partner make up excuses to get out of things, and if you do it at the last minute and leave them to handle the mess, and you do things like that repeatedly, your married days could be numbered.

2. Dropping a serious bomb on the family during an event. If you’re one of those who likes to drop bombs into pleasant family events, then watch people run when they see you coming. Telling your sister-in-law you saw her husband kissing Mrs. Santa Claus in the backseat of a car at the Christmas dinner in front of everyone is not the time or the place, and your spouse will probably be so mortified that you be getting a well-deserved dressing down when you get home, as well as the title of loose cannon. Reasonable people don’t want to be associated with loose cannons.

3. Not standing up for your spouse to an offending family member. Did members of your family go for the verbal and/or emotional killing of your spouse while you did nothing? If so, I wouldn’t want to be you when I got home. Showing solid and definitive loyalty toward your spouse in front of others, especially your family, is the only right thing to do. Fail this test and your spouse will not only lose respect for you, they will question your love, and this is not good.

4. Getting visibly inebriated. Don’t embarrass your spouse in front of your, or his, family, or anyone, for that matter. When a spouse has to make excuses for your inexcusable behavior I can assure you that your stock will be going down in their eyes, and could eventually crash.

To make it through the holidays with your marriage intact I recommend that a person be generous when it comes to accommodating their partner as far as where your time will be spent, and be on your best behavior when around friends and family. Do show up, and try to enhance each holiday experience for your spouse. Flexibility and a positive attitude will serve you well in the marriage arena, and in the rest of your life as well.

The Holidays and Relationships …

Well, the holidays are here again and finances, family, food, rituals and raking leaves are on the mind. Some of these things are comforting and wonderful, and other things are — uh — not.

Since I’ve been around a long time, I know what clients love and hate about the holidays, so I’m going to offer my reflections on what’s worthwhile about the holiday season and how to deal with the things that aren’t so fun. Here goes …

On the bright and sparkly side …

· Bonding opportunities abound. Rituals are things people do together that strengthen their relationship, and the strengthening of the relationship is called bonding. The more bonds a marriage or family has the stronger it will be, so bonds are a very good thing! There are endless rituals families can do together that fit the bill, and they can be simple or … not. Watching TV on the couch every night, cooking, bowling on Wednesdays, having friends over every Tuesday, weekends at the river … during the holidays it can be a special dish that you serve, a certain way that you dress, a toast that you make, goodies that you make, a game that you play, preparing stockings for everyone, a certain movie you watch every Christmas Eve … the ideas are endless. I urge every family to have holiday rituals that strengthen their bonds!

· Love Languages … People of all ages have love languages, if you don’t know what they are, here’s your chance to learn. The love languages were first realized by therapist and author, Gary Chapman who wrote the book the Five Love Languages, and they are the categories of actions we can take that make our loved ones feel loved. Bring this list and ask someone you care about, what is your love language? Once you find out, you’ll know what to do to keep that love alive — it’s wonderful to stoke to fire of love and caring …

1. Physical touch. If this is one of your loved one’s love languages, you need to find out what kind of touch and how often. Then do it.

2. Words of Affirmation. Appreciation, love expressed, caring affirmed.

3. Quality time. It is, what it says it is. Your focused attention and/or time, in the way your loved one appreciates.

4. Acts of service. Take a load off your busy loved one’s day by doing a chore or an errand, help clean up, babysit the kids so she can rest, wash his car.

5. Gifts. Money and value isn’t the thing. Could be a card or a flower picked on the side of the road. Most loved ones especially love gifts that fill a need that you’ve taken note of, like a night light for the hall if they get up, a warm robe for the cold bathroom, a cell phone charger for their car.

· Another word about gifts. I know people who think it is blasphemy to tell your loved one what you’d like to receive for Christmas, and others who swear by the list concept. In no way is it greedy to let people what you’d like to receive for a gift, and it is absolutely OK to want things. As for me, I always believe in what is kind and thoughtful towards the person I am buying for, so I like to give my loved ones some things they tell me they want, and a little something they wouldn’t splurge on for themselves. So I ask for a list, and then I throw in some surprises. The key to being a gift-giver is knowing who you’re buying for and the types of things they love and enjoy. If you don’t know what that is, ask. The best gifts I ever received were not expensive, but showed that the giver put thought into it. Yes, receiving is wonderful fun! But I also love the joy and delight of giving, and think it is a wonderful thing to encourage in your young family members.

· In the end, love. Show it, give it, be open about it.

On the less sparkly side …

We all have things we don’t like about the holidays. Many have crazy family members, too many people they are expected to visit, doing too much cooking and preparing without enough assistance, spending too much, eating and drinking too much … what’s a person to do?

· Crazy family members. We all have ’em, but once we’re grown up there is no law that says we are obligated to spend lots of time with them — or any, for that matter. So while you may tell yourself you have no choice, you really do. I highly recommend severely limiting time spent with unpleasant people, and if you do decide to be around them, play a game with yourself like when you step into their house you are really stepping into a movie that is a comedy, and you are visiting these weird characters who will amuse you briefly and then you leave.

· Too many people to visit. Young couples complain to me regularly that, “We have to go visit his parents, then his aunt, then his cousins, and then my family and we’re fitting in about 10 stops in 18 hours and I hate it.” This sort of insanity is very easy to fix, and that is by learning to tell family members with expectations a very warm, friendly, “Sorry, we can’t make it!” If your spouse hates visiting your extended family and friends over the holidays please do not subject them to it. Look out for her and have her back … create a holiday visit plan that works for both of you, and consider the possibility of having your own Christmas together and not visiting anyone at all.

· Too much cooking, doing, preparing and not enough help. It takes a team to create huge family meals without stress! Limit your menu, cook ahead and freeze, request that people bring a dish, buy part of the meal from a caterer like your local grocery store, and ask your family to help decorate, set the table and create a family ritual of whoever cooks doesn’t have to clean, and vice versa. Create a cooking crew and clean-up crew with your attendees. If you can’t or don’t know how to ask for help, it’s time to learn. If you’re a control freak and don’t want another person involve, get over yourself and invite the helpers to help.

· Spending too much. When my kids were little I did this and the way I remedied it was to decide how much was reasonable for me to spend per person in my family, and then I stick to my budget. I tell myself if I can’t pay it all off by February, my budget is too high. Over the years I have severely limited my list of people I buy things for to my husband, our kids and the people who work for us. No more gifts for siblings, nieces, nephews, friends … it just got to be too much. Cutting my gift list took loads of stress away, too. Some families draw a name so that they only have to buy one gift — anyway you cut your responsibilities down, I’m all for it.

· Eating and drinking too much. I once read that the average American eats 10,000 calories on Christmas Day, and I do think there are times to indulge yourself, and times to hold back. I enjoy eating a healthy diet most of the time, and if I’m going to over-eat it is going to be at some wonderful holiday meal or when I’m on vacation in a beautiful place that has the best crab cakes or bread pudding around. It’s all in how you conduct yourself most of the time. A life of deprivation is not a life, so why even try? As far as drinking, I always think that should be done in moderation, but if you fail at that, we now have Uber or Lyft, which I’ve used several times in different cities and have found it quick, easy, affordable and headache-free.

At the end of the day, it’s about creating memories, and being as good to yourself as you are to others. Here’s to wishing you a great and peaceful holiday season!

www.marriagecrisismanager.com

www.doctorbecky.com