False accusations and workplace bullying: Another cultural problem that needs to fall away, a personal story.

I’m sure that any woman who has been sexually abused has felt a variety of emotions while watching the wall of silence and double standards of harassment tumble down recently ­– so now we can speak up about what has happened and you guys will believe us. Problem solved? Likely not. I believe all of the hoopla is likely to leave millions of women who knew the risks of speaking up — and did not — with very mixed emotions, having already been damaged by the injustices of life.

Pondering this, I became aware that there are other social obstacles that also need to be addressed. I got a lot of my education about these things in the 1990s while working as a reporter and columnist at the San Antonio Express News.

I entered the workplace as probably the most naïve and inexperienced woman ever to enter the downtown San Antonio Ave E building. Having been a housewife and mother for 8 years, armed with a journalism degree but no newspaper experience, the question in the newsroom was, how the hell did this woman get here? I got the job after my divorce in 1993. As I exited my marriage I had attended a few self-help and self-discovery seminars that helped me hone in on my purpose and passions, which led me to conclude that the only thing I wanted to do was be a feature writing newspaper reporter. Specifically, I wanted to be Ann Landers and write an advice column about relationships.

I called the publisher of the newspaper, Larry Walker to ask him what the possibilities for me were of getting a job there. I knew Larry because I had attended numerous community events with my former husband, which resulted in us being invited to Walker’s home for a large dinner party one night. When I called he was very nice, and referred me to the editor of the paper, Jim Moss.

I began the pursuit of a position at the paper. Jim told me that they did not hire reporters without experience, so I asked him to let me write some freelance pieces so I could show him what I could do. He agreed, and just about the time I was going to run out of money from my divorce and be forced to take any job I could, I was called in for an interview. It had taken two years.

After the interview process, Jim called me himself. He said he was deeply touched by my persistence, and wanted to give me a chance. I had 90 days to prove myself, there would be no handholding, and it was sink or swim. I was scared to death of blowing the opportunity, so I told myself that failure was not an option and reported for work, and soon encountered the big question: How the hell did she get here?

Being an utter novice, I could never have imagined the newsroom culture — negativity, grandiosity, nosiness, and skepticism — not everyone, but almost. Rumors swirled, and some were bold enough to ask how I got the job. When I told them, some would say something like, “Well, we heard you were dating/aka sleeping with … fill in any man’s name in the blank who had any power at the newspaper.”

“Uh no, afraid not,” I’d say.

Like Mr. Magoo being perfectly fine after driving off a cliff in his car, these things didn’t faze me for a long while. Only 35-years-old, I still assumed the best of people, that they would come around and see what a decent person and hard worker I was. They would see I could write and was worthy of a job as a reporter there.

When I was interviewing for the position, Jim sent me to meet the managing editor, Bob Rivard, an attractive man with loads of charisma. I soon found out that he was married for years to Monika Maeckle, a fun and interesting dynamo. They had two children in the same age range as mine. We had even more in common; we lived on the same street and our kids went to the same school.

Rivard seemed amused by challenging me, and I loved it. He began to assign me high profile stories, the kind that end up on the front page or that would be widely read, like the first introduction of the new Spur’s basketball coach to the city. Each reporting opportunity in the beginning scared me to death, all of it — the reporting, writing, and then turning it in to an editor for scrutiny. They seemed to enjoy my work, and after 90 days my probation was lifted, I became an official employee of the paper, and I told myself that I was having a mutual love affair with my job. I loved it, and I felt like it loved me back.

But the newsroom noise was loud. Reporters were trying to figure me out. They pulled up the news stories I wrote before I turned them into the editor to see how much the editor had to rewrite my work. I was told by a few friendly reporters that the conclusion was: “Becky got hired with no experience, she gets great story assignments, so she must be having an affair with Bob Rivard.” What? Yes, the story was that Bob hired her because she is his girlfriend. This is how my quick ascent could be explained.

To make matters worse for myself, Bob introduced me to his wife, and the three of us became friends. I was newly single, entering a new life. I needed friends, and the Rivards were intelligent, interesting people. They kindly would offer for me to join them at community events, and I truly enjoyed and appreciated their company, as well as the events. I was just too naïve to understand how hanging out with them would fan the flames of my reputation as a sexual sycophant.

The rumors about Bob and me got so bad that he froze up and stopped talking to me. No more hanging out after hours with he and Monika, though she and I remained close. She would tell me a lot of the inside thinking about me in the newsroom and out in the public, and would encourage me to keep working toward my dream of being a columnist. Meanwhile, if Bob saw me in the newsroom he would walk the other way, and, forget high-profile stories, it was garden club and science genius achievements for me, unless I came up with a compelling story idea on my own. I still cringe when I remember Monika asking me one afternoon, “Are you sleeping with my husband?”

The truth is that Bob never acted inappropriate or romantic with me. He never hit on me, never hugged, kissed or anything else. He was totally in integrity each time we talked or spent any time together. Rumors flew about us, and not only about me, but Bob with numerous other women, but all I saw is that he seemed to be a big fan of many talented women, and he always introduced these women to his wife, and then if they got together socially, it was with Bob and Monika. I never saw evidence of any sexual or inappropriate misbehavior on his part.

The rumors about me did not stop with only me and Bob Rivard. I was told that the talk was that I slept with almost every important man at the paper. All voicemails at that time were typed up by an off-site transcriber who then faxed them to the newsroom overnight. My transcribed sheets were intercepted, copied, and passed around the newsroom. Stories were leaked about me to a newspaper gossip who wrote a column about the Express-News in a community newspaper. Certain arts writers in my department never made eye contact, and many didn’t speak to me for the entire four years I was there. In an annual media skit show that raised scholarship money for journalism students, a skit was written for me by guys in the newsroom — to star in as myself, which I did — that ended with me being blown up. Hostile workplace?

After years of it I became emotionally tired, and my spirit began to break. At times the newsroom’s antics landed blows, and I began to lose faith in people. I knew that I was considered a joke by many in the newsroom, and Monika told me that many of Bob’s friends lobbied and hoped for my ouster, but I trudged on because I loved the work itself. Certain editors made it clear they believed in me, and many readers seemed to love what I did. This is why I survived as long as I did.

Through it all, I could not prove to anyone that I did not do the sexual things I was rumored to have done, but time heals, doesn’t it? It’s been almost 20 years since I left the paper. Surely no one thinks about that anymore.

Not long ago a prominent San Antonio woman came up to me and said, “I know something about you!”

“Really?” I said. “What is it?”

“You had an affair with Bob Rivard.”

“Seriously?” I thought, rumor weary.

“Sorry, it didn’t happen,” I said, then asked what it would take for her to believe me.

“Maybe if you were on your death bed and had nothing to lose,” she said. “It’s OK, your secret is safe with me!”

What secret? People are going to believe what they believe. There is nothing you or I can do about what people make up about us. Complain and bullies will brand you a cry baby. Report them to higher ups and you become a troublemaker, loose canon and pariah. On the bright side, the many experiences I have had with negative scrutiny cause me not to want to negatively scrutinize, and I encourage people who are engaging in it to think about what they are doing, to remember that the people they talk about negatively are human beings who have friends and families. As for me, I am not about to believe, or take on as truth, rumors or hearsay, period. If I don’t know it to be true, it doesn’t exist as truth for me. After leaving the paper, to avoid similar situations in the future, I dedicated myself to becoming self-employed, which I am today.

Maybe one day our society won’t be so quick to judge, won’t be so harsh and toxic, and maybe will protect or even give the benefit of the doubt to those who are subject to their scrutiny. That would be very nice, indeed.

Stepping stress-free through life, and the holidays, with step kids

Impudent step daughter, unreachable video gaming step son, and your spouse’s ex who doesn’t help the situation at all. No one told you how hard step parenting would be, but they should have. I always tell my clients considering marriage to a person who already has kids, it’s going to take a huge heart and nerves of steel to be successful at it.

With a blended family and you will have problems that intact families do not have. Step kids — or steps — can vary widely in age — some involve babies and toddlers and others, teens or even grown children. Therapists know that relationships between the non-bio moms and non-bio dads and their step kids are likely to involve land mines of sensitive feelings and resentments, no matter the age. Combine that with immaturity, and, well, I’m about to help you with that.

First, understand that being a step parent is a choice, and if you decided to take this difficult challenge on, you must bring your best self to the table, no matter how old the kids are. Whether you are older or younger than they are, you must be the one, the adult, who sets the standard of respectful behavior toward the ones who gained you as a family member through marriage. Steps can and will stoop to low levels of behavior, though you must not.

Now, think about what it is like for a child to have his or her parent bring a new person into their family. Most children would like to have their parent to themselves, without that intrusion, but they tolerate the step parent because they want their mom or dad to be happy. It may take years for a child to feel comfortable and warm to this new person being around, or it may never happen. The only thing a step parent can do is be graceful, let it be what it is, and don’t try to force things.

Now, with that in mind, here is a list of step-dos and don’ts that will help you now and throughout the years.

General step do’s and don’ts that will ultimately help you through the holidays and other times:

• Don’t make them call you mom or dad, don’t have expectations. If they are blatantly ugly to you, simply tell them that these words are hurtful to you and you are always open to a warmer relationship.

• Don’t talk about their mom or dad or the divorce. Whether it is your spouse or the ex, don’t infer, insinuate, or say directly anything at all about their parents. Most steps are fiercely loyal, so nothing good will come from it. Allow them to display photos of their parent in your home. If they talk about their parents to you, validate them and stay neutral. If the parent is deceased, allow them to honor that parent however they see fit.

• Don’t bribe. If you think you can buy a step child’s love, you’re wrong. They will be happy to take what you offer, but then they will only think of you in terms of what you can give them. Let them get to know you, the person, so they can bond with that instead.

• Do adopt the stance of a kindly friend and inspirational coach. If the children are older than 9, a stepparent should let the natural parent do the parenting, and the two of you can discuss what that is going to look like when the children aren’t around. Stepparents must be respectful, gentle and kind with the children that are not theirs. Even if the children are not responsive in the beginning, keep maintaining an adult, respectful stance. If they are unkind and land an arrow through your heart, tell them so: “Wow, you refusing to talk to me really hurts my heart. I so want to be your friend. I am ready and willing when you are.”

• Treat stepchildren equally even though it is impossible. Just do your best to treat every child the same, be attentive and interested in who they are. Try to learn what scratches each child’s itch when it comes to love languages … usually it’s quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service or gifts. Little ones may love hugs. Make a point to pay attention to them when they speak, to comment on what they say, to point out positive things you hear, and to be a fan of who they are becoming. Within the home, create a space for each child that is theirs and is made special for them.

Now, for a holiday idea that will help blended families get off to a great start.

When everyone is together for any length of time, begin with a family meeting. The tone of this will be fun and friendly. Bio and step parents should be in the best of moods and express their excitement and appreciation of the opportunity to be together. Each spouse could present a small token gift to each stepchild with a short comment about how and why they chose the gift, and what it means to have that child there today. (Keep it under $20). Once the parents are done, have each child do the same — if the children are young the bio parent can help. The children could present something they made or even a drawing. This will be a wonderful icebreaker and family ritual you could do each year. After the ritual, have a friendly discussion of rules and expectations — stress respect, and tell them what that looks and sounds like. Tell them things such as, bring your best self to the party or remove yourself to a place within the area where you can work out your bad feelings if you have them. Reassure everyone that your goal is for everyone to enjoy themselves.

The step parent role is one of the hardest any person could have. Patience and grace will serve you well in the long term. I have seen the most stubborn rejecting step children melt over the years and finally embrace their step parent as someone they love and cherish, simply because that person was persistently patient, interested and caring.

Doctor Becky Whetstone is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and former journalist, writing for the San Antonio Express-News. She specializes in marriage and mid life crisis, individual struggles, and helping people learn how to have healthy relationships. She lives in Little Rock, Arkansas.

Avoiding in law disaster — Navigating the holidays in your family’s territory.

One thing young American couples have in common is that in the first years of their marriage, they usually continue past Christmas traditions with each other’s families, often going back and forth from year-to-year or in one day if they live nearby, as the young bride and groom have not yet stepped into the stage of life where they become the matriarch and patriarch of their own family. Since our families come in all shapes and sizes, we will be dealing within a range from the most unregimented, accepting, free and easy families to the rigid, nasty, boundary-less, rule-filled and judgmental kind. So, each new spouse needs to have an awareness of what they are dealing with, and that is why a pre-visit conversation should take place between the young pair that includes:

1. Understanding home family customs, traditions, expectations, and foibles. What are the family’s quirks and eccentricities? What do they love, what do they hate? Are they generally accepting of others? Should certain subjects be avoided? A discussion on how the visiting spouse can have the best time and have the most successful visit should be discussed.

2. Will we stay in the home with the family? If there is any question of how the new spouse will be treated, hotel, Air BNB reservations, or a request to stay at someone else’s house should be made. Protecting your new spouse from your family is a huge bond builder and is what any spouse hoping to have a thriving marriage must do. Think this way: I value my spouse’s comfort over my family’s, because when your married, your spouse comes first.

3. Home spouse must lay the groundwork prior to the visit with their family. The home spouse should speak with his/her family prior to the visit and get the lay of the land, set expectations and boundaries, and if necessary, let their family know that no family funny business will be tolerated when it comes to the visiting spouse. Treat the spouse respectfully, period. Once there, if the family blames, judges or negatively interacts with the new spouse, to their face or behind their back, the home spouse will always protect, defend, and side with the new spouse. If anyone talks to the home spouse about the visiting spouse negatively, the conversation is immediately shut down.

4. Do not succumb to home family pressure and control. During the visit, the couple should make decisions together about what they want and are willing to do, and then the home spouse is the spokesperson who sets the boundary. I strongly believe that if you are not able to set boundaries based on your partnership’s best interest, you aren’t ready to be successfully married.

5. Remember the Golden Rule. The wise old biblical rule of, “Do unto others as you would have them do to you,” is a wonderful guide to use when in doubt of what to do.

6. If it doesn’t go well. If, despite all your efforts, you and/or your spouse have a miserable time, don’t return a second time. Seriously. Part of growing up is to be able to stand in opposition to your family when they do not treat you and your family right. When you can do this, it means you are growing up.

By now it should be obvious that in a new marriage, a new spousal unit must be protected at all cost. A visiting spouse must have certainty that no matter what goes on in the home spouse’s family, he or she will have their back. At the same time, a home spouse also needs to know that the visiting spouse will also be kind, open, friendly, pleasant, respectful and helpful to his or her family while there. If you married someone where this is a concern, then good luck, because personal self-control and diplomacy are two qualities that help make marriages work, and lacking those qualities is a predictor of bad things to come. Also, I have seen spouses in my practice who insisted on the holidays being spent at their family’s house always, and they were not flexible on the subject. This presents all sorts of problems that are deeper than just the holidays alone and speaks to the person’s emotional immaturity, so sometimes the holidays show us who are spouse really is, or isn’t. Luckily, immaturity is a fixable thing.