Becky Whetstone, Author at Doctor Becky

Becky Whetstone February 14, 2019

Stop Bitching, and Tell People What You Need.

The plight of the marriage therapist is to watch couples brawl – they bark, bray, hiss and throw lobs – all at the person they vowed to love, honor and cherish. If you know what you’re doing as a therapist, you won’t let that go on for long.

Therapists know nothing good will come from a back-and-forth heated discussion between two people. Pulses are up, and studies show that if pulse rates are over 100 beats per minute that it is impossible to retain information and interact.(1) Such intensity often leads a person into their most toxic self, where they’re likely to do more damage to the relationship, perhaps by hurling inaccuracies and exaggerations at the other person. This will escalate the madness into behaviors that are known to predict divorce.(2)

What is interesting about blistering arguments is that they can be stopped. Clients don’t know how to, but they need to learn. The process begins by stopping the spat and asking a couple of questions to yourself and to the other person:

1. What’s going on with you right now? (This asks you to focus on the feelings you’re having that are driving your distress.) i.e. “I’m mad that …” “I am scared that …”
2. What do you need?

Instead of, “You’re a workaholic!” or “You’re never home!” try, “I am feeling alone and in of need some quality time with you.”

Instead of, “I do everything with the house and family, and no one helps me!” try, “I am overwhelmed with all I do, and I need your help.”

Instead of “You can be such a bitch/asshole!” try, “It frightens me when your moods/emotions/words/anger are so intense. I need you to be soft and kind. What’s going on with you, what do you need?”

Anytime you feel chilly, grumpy, angry, tired, afraid, disgusted or want to withdraw or isolate, there is a reason why. This is the time for inquiry with yourself: “What’s going on with me? Why do I want to (Fill in blank here … get away, clobber, etc.,) from my spouse right now?”

When you figure out what is driving your mood, then ask yourself what you need. When I do the inquiry with myself, the thing I need is often something I can do for myself. For example, if I am exhausted, I may need to clear some space for rest. The important thing is, once you figure out what it is, create an action plan to take care of it. If it has to do with something that my partner is doing or not doing, I find a good time to talk with him, and then proceed with the questions (see below). This process is called self-care, and it’s the most important thing there is. It is the front door to mental and emotional health.

Mind, body, spirit health and teaching people how to attain it is my life passion, and not everyone is as mindful about it as I am, I get it. In the case of my partner, if I see he has fallen into a mood, I know he probably won’t be doing an inquiry, and it’s not my job to fix or instruct him or anyone without their permission. However, if he has fallen into a mood, that negatively affects us, it is appropriate for me to step in. So, I do the inquiry with him. I find a good time when he is relaxed, and come to him and say, “I have noticed you have been in a mood for a few days, what’s going on with you?” He is always able to tell me, as are almost all of the clients I ask, they’ll say, “I am crabby because … I am unhappy because … I am distant because … I have isolated myself because …” people can generally access the answers. The next question is, “Tell me what you need.”

Examples:

“I am crabby because of so many financial obligations right now, and what I need is for us to not spend any money on things we don’t absolutely need for a couple of months.”

“I am isolating because my husband has to have an answer to whatever it is right now, and he pursues me until I feel backed into a corner.”

Now we have something to work with. Most partners are eager to help with their partner’s needs and wants, I know I am. We love our partners and don’t want them to be in distress, and if we can help alleviate any negative feelings, most people would be all in. Of course, there may be some relational skills you need to learn in order to know how to handle situations peacefully, and that’s what marriage therapists are for.

For example, what do you do about a pursuing spouse?

I would tell the pursuer not to chase after someone who is flooded with negative emotion. You have to give them space to calm down so they can come back and speak to you when they are calm. The flooded person must then work to calm themselves down so they can return. The default time frame is 20 minutes, then return. If you are not able to achieve that, tell your partner, “I am having difficulty calming down. I promise to come back to discuss this within 24 hours.” Then, do it.

These are the sorts of things that no lay person would ever know, but they can learn it in marriage therapy. That is why I highly recommend that you learn basic marriage skills from a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, because they’re armed with many research-based arrows in their quiver that will help couples behave in functional ways as opposed to dysfunctional ones.

What is great about the inquiry technique is that it eliminates ugliness and brings two people together to have an adult conversation that is respectful. It helps them understand each other and make adjustments that will help them maintain their loving relationship in the days and weeks ahead. This process is bond building.

One more thing to watch out for is those who outwardly criticize things or people in the household or workplace that have little or nothing to do with what is really going on with them. Doing the inquiry is perfect for this.

Examples:

“I’m griping about my boss’s demands, but really I am just overwhelmed because I have put too much on my plate across the board.”

“I’m blaming the kids and my spouse for every little thing, when in fact I created this bad mood by procrastinating on doing things I needed to do and now I’m behind.”

It is really important that we stop blaming others for how we feel, and instead turn to ourselves and figure out what we need to do to be content. We are responsible for how our life is going. If the situation involves your partner and they won’t be there with and for you during your inquiry, and they aren’t open to negotiation and won’t be understanding or helpful, then you do indeed have a problem. In this case, see if a marriage therapist can help create a breakthrough. Not everyone has the maturity to do the inquiry, but most do, and that is great news.

1. “The fact that your heart rate is elevated at or above around 100 BPM means that you simply cannot process social interaction.” Gottman Institute.

2. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse of marriage – criticism, defensiveness, contempt & stonewalling. Gottman Institute.https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Filed Under: Blog, marriage advice, relationships Tagged: advice, counseling, couples counseling, couples therapy, marital advice, marriage, premarital counseling, relationship advice, relationship issues, relationships

Becky Whetstone November 15, 2018

Fear of losing the guy syndrome: Should I have sex with him if I am really not ready to?

Women need to wake up and recognize that they have all the power in budding relationships.

A blog reader recently sent me this:

“I read about your Rules for Romantic Self-Protection advice on your web site’s section for singles, and one of the rules was; “No sex before commitment is mutually expressed”.

When I express this concept to guys I’m dating, they often say “Sex is a very important part in a relationship. And I can’t give you the commitment of a relationship unless I know I am sexually compatible with my partner.”

When I explained that waiting gives us more time to build up love and respect, they say, “I have so much respect for you, and I do not calculate or keep track of when, how soon, or how many dates it takes for you to have sex with me, and then use that to measure how much respect I have for you. Women do that. That is just not how men think”.

I don’t know what to think or do this situation. I feel like if I don’t give in, then I am halting the relationship to go any further.”

Signed, Anonymous

Here is what I said:

Dear Anonymous,

Let’s discuss the subject of having sexual intercourse with a man early in a relationship, and my six concepts that go along with that:

Stick to your boundaries. Ask yourself, what do I want to do? If you are not ready for sex for whatever reason, don’t do it. When being true to yourself, use yourself and your feelings as the compass, not what other people want. If a man won’t respect your sexual boundary (I intentionally use the word won’t instead of can’t), then what he is telling you is: My sex life is more important than the sexual boundary you have set for yourself.” That is a huge red flag, my dear. A man who truly respects and cares about you as the human being you are, as opposed to a sexual object he would like to conquer, will do whatever it takes to win a commitment of steady dating from you. Don’t allow yourself to be pushed or pressured.
Dating is no big deal. A dating commitment that designates romantic exclusivity does not mean we will marry that person, so dating someone for a while is not the big deal some women seem to make of it. All it means is – let ‘s test drive us for a bit to see if we are compatible. Sex can come sooner, later or never in that scenario, it’s your decision. If a man is serious about you, he will allow you to set your own rhythm and pace in the relationship.
Be in your power in relationships. When you say, “I feel like if I don’t give in, then I am halting the relationship to go any further,” it tells me that you do not value yourself, as you are considering betraying you so that a man can have his sex in the timeframe he wants it, and with most men, that timeframe is very short. I have news for you, women are the power in the relationship, we are the ones who decide if it will proceed. Without us, there is no relationship. No need to change for, or sell yourself to, a man. Just be you, be out there, and you will meet men who will desire you. I would much rather you adopt an attitude of, “Hey men, sell yourself to me. Show me what you have that I want.” Let him prove to you that he is worthy of having you in his life.
Men will mislead. I have had hundreds if not thousands of single men in my office over the years, and you know what they have told me? That they are dirty dogs!!! They have told me that they will say or do anything for sex, especially on the front end of a relationship when they are not emotionally involved. They have also told me that if women knew how filthy they are with their thoughts and desires, they wouldn’t have anything to do with men. They literally clean themselves up behaviorally in order to attain a woman. (When I read this answer to my husband, he nodded his head in agreement.)
Create a policy for yourself to be healthy in dating relationships. The reason I wrote the Rules for Romantic Self-Protection back in 1996 was because of my many dating failures. I kept getting dumped, shed many tears, and decided I needed a game plan to stay healthy while dating. Upon analysis of my relationship patterns, I found that if I had sex with a man too soon, before the relationship had legs, I would get emotionally involved, connect, and start forming a bond. Then, when he decided it was a no-go it would take me three months to recover from it. To avoid needless emotional turmoil, I decided that it was not wise for me to have sex until I knew for sure that we’d be seeing each other for a while. If you are the type that gets attached when you have sexual intercourse, then you might want to wait to have sex with people who are solid and respectful, and who won’t disappear the next day. This is emotional and sexual self-care. So take a look at your patterns, figure out what doesn’t work, and fix it.
The Law of Most Effort. In 1997 I interviewed Men are from Mars guru, John Gray about being single, and what he said helped a lot in the development of my stance on women, sex, and dating. He had just released a book for singles in 1997 called, “Venus and Mars on a Date,” and explained that if women give men sex without having to do much work for it, such as very little romance and wooing and time put in to attaining her affection, then the woman is teaching him that he will also have to put in little effort in the relationship overall. “If a man has to earn his way into a woman’s heart and bed, then he will know he has to work to keep the woman in his life,” he said. I found that to be profound.

I hope answering this question helped Ms. Anonymous. Where there is a woman asking a question like that, there are millions more just like her, who believe that they must go outside their value system and do things they don’t really want to do in order to have a relationship, and to that, I say, hell no. In our culture, too many women do not use their immense power to attract and orchestrate the type of relationship they long for – one where the man adores and respects her and makes her a priority.

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Becky Whetstone October 15, 2018

It may be your fault that your life and relationships aren’t working well.

Although we all do our best to live in a world of equality and hearing both sides of a story before making a conclusion, as a couple’s therapist I have a very important announcement to make: Sometimes, after hearing all the complaints and experiencing how each person operates with my own eyes and ears, I can say that the cause of marital problems are sometimes, OK often, not equally divided between the two spouses. Indeed, sometimes it is primarily one person who causes the vast majority of issues in the relationship.

So there, I said it. Sometimes it is primarily one person’s fault for a relationship not working. (Note: I did not say always). But I also know that the person who I pinpoint as the dysfunctional one will fight to the death to not be seen as such. This is why we marriage therapists earn what we are paid. We wrestle alligators, we get slammed, and people call us names we wouldn’t want our family to hear.

When couples come in, I do my best to try and figure out what is going on that creates the dysfunction. My thoughts are a blank slate. Usually, the two people are nervous, and especially fearful that I will blame them – husbands seem especially concerned about this one.

So, I proceed into the sensitive waters of their marital story to try and get to the bottom of what’s not working, and many times, I quickly hit a roadblock: One person is so afraid of being seen as the only one to blame that he can’t even bear for me to ask him questions.

“Why are you focusing on me?” Bob says.

“Because I am curious about some things, and I am trying to get clarity and understanding so I can help you,” I say.

“Why aren’t you talking to my wife? It seems like you think I am the main problem, here.”

Bam! “Here we go”, I am thinking as I sense what I need to know is on display before me. I feel like a fisherman with a nibble on his line.

“Because I can’t question or talk to both of you at the same time. I have to talk to one, then the other. What makes you think I believe you are the main one to blame?”

“Because you’re focusing on me.”

Right. That little interaction has told me several things that will be helpful moving along:

1. His reality is off. He makes up negative meanings where I meant nothing negative.
2. He is extremely sensitive to the possibility of being seen as wrong or bad.
3. His self-esteem is very low. He takes things personally.
4. He is defensive as way to protect himself from harm.

This is not to say that I won’t hit dysfunctional gold when I speak with the other spouse, I might, and if I do I will have a messy cocktail on my hands. But so many times it is that one person who is so difficult to have a conversation with that I have to believe my personal experience with them is a microcosm for how they are with others. You can’t have a two-way, back-and-forth conversation with someone whose alarm bells of threat start going off the minute you ask them the first or second question. It prevents relationship, period.

The cliché “You can’t have a healthy relationship with others until you have one with yourself,” is true, and should not really be thrown aside as just a cliché. It is so important, in fact, that it is the point I make to couples very early in the process of marital therapy: You have to get healthy and confident about who you are, so you can have a back-and-forth, give-and-take relationship with someone else. Without that, it is not possible. And the really bad news is, a huge portion of our population do not feel that way about themselves.

So, what to do? I really feel that these sorts of things – how to converse in a healthy way with other human beings, how to have a good relationship with yourself – need to be taught starting in elementary school and continue all the way through high school. We teach so many subjects during these years that will be of no use, so why not prioritize something that could change family functioning and the world for years to come?

It takes courage to face the ugly or dysfunctional things about us as individuals that need to be faced. We need to start a cultural conversation that speaks to the fact that doing this is a sign of strength, not weakness, and that if your life or relationship is not working, it is best to look in the mirror instead of pointing to others as the cause.

I started off in life with what might have been the lowest self-esteem ever recorded, and through education, counseling, and diligent determination to not be unhealthy I turned myself into a confident woman who has a very good, compassionate relationship with herself. I have learned how to be relational with others, and it has changed everything. If I can do this, I truly believe anyone can, but therapy is expensive and so many people will never have access to it. If I couldn’t have afforded it, I would still be that dysfunctional, floundering woman I once was. That is why we need a better plan to provide this information to everyone, for free.