Home Archives for Becky Whetstone
June 21, 2009

Hello everyone … I got this question on the web site "All Experts" from a woman named Martha … let me know if you think I gave her the right advice … here goes:

Name: Martha

Subject: Problems in marriage

Question: Hi Becky,

I have a question about relationships and especially marriage.  When one spouse has a friend that does not like the other spouse and behaves in a very disrespectful manner towards that spouse and they will not behave, is it appropriate to expect that the other spouse discontinue his/her relationship with that friend?

I grew up with a mother who had many, many friends. She also was friends with the parents of kids who were very prejudiced and were mean and hateful towards kids they did not like because of their national origin. It is common knowledge that this family feels this way. I went through a lot of suffering in school due to these types of people. I found that my mother would never expect her friends to treat her kids with respect.  She would rather keep her friends than sacrifice any friendship. I wonder what you see when people are married and this sort of situation occurs. Is it appropriate that the other spouse  terminate a friendship with someone who who is mean and disrespectful towards the other spouse due to race, nationality or religion?

Look forward to hearing from you.

Martha

Answer: Hi Martha,

I was really sad to read about what you have been going through. Although you don’t say, it sounds like you are of mixed race, or part of some cultural or religious group that is often subject to discrimination. I can see that from your childhood that this issue is a real hot-button for you.

I must tell you, Martha, my friends would never do what you write about because I select my friends very carefully, and those who discriminate are not welcome in my world. Those from the past who did that are no longer around, and my belief is that to associate with people like that lowers me and the positive energy I fight to have. I recommend you watch the movie, "Gentleman’s Agreement," with Gregory Peck … made in 1949, it won the Academy Award because of its theme of social justice … it underlines that if you stand around, grin and bear it, back slap, and wonk when people denigrate others of different colors, race, etc., you are equally as guilty of prejudice as those who are open about it.

If your husband loved himself (and you) in a healthy manner, he would not allow people to be unkind and disrespectful to you or in front of you. He would correct these people, and if the crimes continued, he would end the friendship. You asked should you expect this? That is a tricky and complicated question, as I don’t think you can "expect" things of others without their agreement. In other words, if your husband promised not to do it again, I think you can have an expectation, but not until then. I think you can look at it as what is the right or proper or loving thing to do, and tell your husband about how this situation causes you to feel. Any husband/spouse who would not take your feelings into consideration and empathize with you might be one you need to reconsider being married to, as it is most unloving when a spouse tells her husband she is uncomfortable in a situation, and then for him to ignore, minimize, or diminish her feelings.

You guys would benefit from some counseling — a counselor will help him understand the ramifications of what he is doing, and how much damage he does when he doesn’t validate you, and then minimizes how you feel. These kinds of situations do untold damage to relationships and he needs to understand that. A therapist would be a better bearer of this news than you, I suspect.

I hope this information helps — good luck!

Doctor Becky

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May 20, 2009

Man, the people who peruse the "All Experts" site have lots of questions and I can barely keep up. Here is the latest … oh, and don’t forget to tell me what YOU think …

Question: So my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months which is a short time but we have been great friends for many years. He is legally separated and is wanting a divorce with his wife. They have 3 kids a 3 yr old and 2 yr old twins. I have spent time with them only once because they live in another state and his wife pretty much hates me.  He sees them once a month and I always get sad when they come down and I can’t spend time with them because he says its too soon for me to be hanging out with him and the kids because the ex wife is there also and it would be a slap in her face if we  both were there together. Is it selfish of me to make a fuss about it? I mean he makes his kids sound like such a big deal so i mentally prepared myself to be around his kids and now when they come around I feel left out since I’m not allowed to be
around. 🙁

Answer: Hi Diana.

Thanks for writing and asking me this question.

Basically, your boyfriend is right on. What I consider in this situation is not so much what is healthy for you, but what is healthy for his children, which must be the top priority in such a situation. I tell my divorcing clients not to expose their very young children to their dates, even if committed as boyfriend or girlfriend, until such a point as you are engaged to be married or have specific and immediate plans to pursue a permanent life together. This is because children get attached to people who come along in their lives, and many times the relationships, while serious or well-intentioned, don’t make it for the long haul, and so begins a parade of men and women in and out of the children’s lives. This causes a wide array of problems including a sense of "Why care about her (my dad’s latest girlfriend), she’ll just be leaving anyway," to something even more problematic, "Why care about people, they always leave anyway." In these cases the children may end up emotionally disconnected.

Another issue is that the children are going through a major life change with their parent’s divorce and their comfort level during this time is of utmost importance. The divorce and separation itself no doubt is already causing significant anxiety for them. Bringing new people into their lives creates an even greater level of discomfort or anxiety no matter how well-intentioned and loving someone like you is. Research shows that it takes about 5 years for children to become comfortable and at ease having a "new" person in the family. That’s a long time to not feel comfortable in your own family or home.

Right now the kid’s need a close and loving relationship primarily with their dad and mom. Your boyfriend is right to make this his focus for now. They need and will greatly benefit from a lot of his undivided love and affection.

One more thing, divorcing people can be very flaky and not certain of what they want for up to two years following a divorce. For them this is a crazy and disconcerting time. I would consider dating someone during this volatile and unpredictable time a high risk proposition, and if it were me, I would keep it a fond friendship until he has more recovery time under his belt.

I wish you the best and hope this answer was helpful to you!

Doctor Becky

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May 19, 2009

Because no one asks me any questions here I recently signed up to be an "expert" on divorce and relationships on a web site full of people who love to answer questions located at http://www.allexperts.com/. I know, I know, I have to much time on my hands, but lo and behold within one day I received the following question from Lisa who lives in Somewhere, USA:

Question: One of our customers, I might as well call him a boss, was divorced about a year ago and has a 15 year old daughter.  He moved in a few months after leaving his wife with some bimbo who has kids from different fathers and is also recently divorced.  I’ve always had issues with women who jump into a relationship and have men move in or they move in with men when they have kids.  I’ve seen it often and it is generally a bad experience.  Our boss wants us to go out to dinner, etc with the new girlfriend who he lives with.  I’m not too impressed by her at all.  She seems like a jerk and I don’t have much respect for her.  While our boss is wonderful and has been great to us, to the point we consider him a friend, I have a hard time pretending to like someone who I think is a tramp.  I realize he can be looked down upon by moving in so quick with a woman like this, but it was a bad divorce where he lost a lot.  This girl is 20 years younger than him and I think she’s playing him.  So another issue, I think she’s a user!!  He seems like a HS kid who is in love for the first time.  I really don’t want to go out even one night.  Am I wrong to feel this way?  What should I do?

Answer: Hi Lisa — thanks for writing. I just signed up to be an expert and yours is my first question.

OK … so, when faced with any obstacle a person has three choices. The choices are:

1. Accept.
2. Change.
3. Eliminate.

In this case this means you could accept the situation the way that it is. Let me help you with this one…

Know that divorce triggers all sorts of primal fears — the fear of abandonment, rejection, and there are attachment issues playing a role as well. Breaking an attachment to someone you’ve been with a while is always extremely stressful, even when you know the break up is for the best. The combination of these issues (and more) mean that a person who goes through a divorce will be "off center" for about two years or so. In fact, I tell my clients to forgive the behavior of their divorcing friends and family during this time for they know not what they do, and i call it being temporarily insane, because basically that’s what it is. (Forgive so long as the behavior is not illegal!) This crazy time is when divorcing men and women do things out of character … like buy a motorcycle, get a tattoo, and yes, take on unexplainable partners — sometimes doing this is a rebellion against conformity, as they are telling themselves that they have fit themselves into society’s box for years, and now it is time to conform to nothing! As a result I have seen wealthy doctors date pizza deliver boys, housewives in gated communities date the yard man, and on and on … but basically, how it goes is that anything goes. Don’t worry, though, there is nothing you can do about this and almost everyone wakes up from this coma of craziness after about two years. With my own friends I usually go with the flow of whatever comes … knowing that they will almost certainly come back to their senses sooner or later.

Now, about No. 2, change. The change part means you can tell your friend to change, or you can change the way you view the situation. As far as asking the friend to change, I think it is arrogant to tell people that you know better than they do, so I don’t recommend this option. What you can do is approach it in a gentle manner ONE TIME as a caring and loving friend and tell your buddy that you are concerned about his relationship. If you do this, have no expectations as to what the outcome is. Just lovingly tell him and know that you did the best you could and that you were well-meaning. As far as changing how you view it, maybe you  can tell yourself that he is going through a change and is supposed to be learning something. Lovingly allow him to learn what he is supposed to be learning.

Eliminate is the last and most drastic option. If you can’t accept or change, then you eliminate. Eliminate what, you ask? The friendship … or if he is like a boss and you can’t totally break away, you can consider distancing yourself as a social friend, and just enjoy him at work.

One last thing. I’m not a huge fan of being judgmental. I see people who most of us might see as "messed up" as people who are emotionally wounded. Heaven forbid that we learn all the ways and reasons this person has been injured, neglected, and hurt in her life – it is probably too horrible a thing to even consider. Any of us could have been subjected to such unspeakable cruelty. Therefore, I can find compassion for the emotionally wounded, and if they allow me, I can be tender and caring toward them. Have you thought of doing that with this woman?

Good luck to you and I thank you for sending in this question.

So Struggle readers, what do YOU think, did I blow it?

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