Upcoming appointment availability for Dr. Becky:

Monday, June 22: 9:00 a.m. – 11:00 a.m. and 3 to 4 pm.
Tuesday, June 23: Unavailable.

Wednesday, June 24: 9:00 a.m. – 11:30 a.m., and 1:15 to 2:15 p.m.
Thursday, June 25: 9 am to 10 am.
Friday, June 26: 9:00 a.m. – 11:30 a.m.

Dr. Becky is also in the process of developing an intensive marriage therapy workshop for out-of-towners, or for anyone interested in doing some intensive therapy over the course of a few days. The longer version will amount to 15 hours of therapy over 5 days, and a shorter version of 10 hours of therapy over 3 days. Rates are discounted from our usual $160/hr fee. We’d love to hear if anyone’s interested!

If I could do anything to help the state of American mental health, it would be that we’d all be educated thoroughly about codependence … what it is, what it isn’t, and the absolute necessity of learning how to recover from it. I have worked with thousands of people over the years as a therapist, grew up in a large family, and have had many friends and acquaintances, and I’ve yet to meet one person who is not codependent, although I’m told non-codependents exist.

What’s interesting is that if you mention the word codependent, many people think they know what it is, but they are almost never right, or maybe they get a tiny piece of it right. So once-and-for all, here is what it is: We become codependent sometime between young childhood and our teen years when we take on shame, or the belief that we are defective and that something is wrong with us. “I’m not good enough,” I’m not smart enough, and “I don’t fit in or belong,” are some of the most common shame beliefs I see. It is in that one moment that we lose our innocence and decide that we are defective that we become codependent, and this realization traumatizes us.

In the years to come, the core of shame we carry, which is a huge secret that we will tell no one, will change who we are. Instead of joyfully stepping into our genuine and authentic self, which is how we were meant to live, we morph ourselves into someone else who will compensate in some way for what we believe we don’t have or to avoid things we fear, like pain and rejection. A short list of common maladaptive personalities we choose are caretakers, pleasers, do-gooders, perfectionists, over-achievers, mean girls, bullies, obsessive doers, overly nice people, non-conformists, rebels, the arrogant and the list goes on and on. Living in these false shoes will wear us out over time.

Once we have taken on shame, it is as if we have swallowed a bowling ball-sized core of pain – our shame core – that we carry around with us on a daily basis, until we change it. The shame core is like a cancer that destroys any ego strength we might have had to protect ourselves in life, and it makes life painful. If people say or do certain things and it hits our shame core, it hurts like hell:

The, “Now that was dumb!” comment hits your “I’m not smart enough,” wound.

The, “You didn’t make the team? Well I told you that you didn’t practice enough!” comment hits your “I’m not good enough,” wound.

And the, “Hey, did you receive an invitation to Chris’s party?” when you were not invited, hits your “I don’t fit in,” wound.

How does a codependent react when words or actions of others spear their shame core? A part of the personality known as the rebellious teenager protects the core via self-destructive means by stepping in and raging, snapping, fighting, threatening, aggressing, withdrawing, stuffing feelings, stoicism, seeking revenge or validation from others, pouting, defending, becoming indignant, throwing insults, and of course, numbing our pain through drinking, drugs, love, sex and more. Nothing good ever comes from our rebellious teenager. It is the cause of divorce, personal unhappiness, and regrets.

Although many books have been written to explain the pattern of awfulness that codependence represents, I recommend “Facing Codependence,” by Pia Mellody, as a good place to start.* I was trained by Mellody in 2013 at a workshop where she teaches therapists how to do the healing work she developed while working for years as a nurse at the Meadows Trauma and Treatment Center in Wickenberg, Arizona. Before completely grasping the wickedness of shame and its effects, I was always looking for what I felt like was a missing piece in my practice to help people in a lasting way – now I know that understanding shame and codependency treatment is that missing piece.

There is one more thing to understand in this very short article about this very big subject; when we take on shame, it causes us to not function healthily in five crucial areas – self esteem, boundaries, realism (seeing yourself and others as they really are; not making people and things your higher power), dependency, and spontaneity (control). Codependents are notorious extremists, so, for example, they typically have too much self-esteem or none at all, or they switch back and forth between the two. The same goes for all the other four – no boundaries or completely walled off, or jumping between the two. They’re very needy, or anti-dependent, needless and wantless – moderation is a foreign concept that must be learned in recovery.

What codependency ultimately does to us is to create a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves. It shows up partially in how we beat ourselves up for being defective and not good enough. It breaks my heart to see how individuals I work with treat themselves compared to how they treat others, or vice versa. We sentence ourselves to a lifetime of emotional prison. and we are our own jailers. Codependency recovery involves education about what it is and understanding about how your illness has uniquely traumatized and affected you. There are a multitude of codependent behaviors from any sort of addiction to wanting to be near power and fame so you can feel better about who you are plus thousands more.

As you work to untangle your misguided feelings about being defective, you will have to face pains that you have tried to suppress or ignore – today, not tomorrow, as many codependents might prefer. You will have to learn to feel and discover who you are and what you need and want, yes, it is OK and necessary to need and want. You will learn to act as an adult, to have healthy self-esteem, boundaries, realism, dependency and control. You will put your rebellious teenager to rest and let your functional adult self handle your personal business and get your needs met for you. You will learn how to present your true self to the world, to speak up and advocate for yourself, and to know what is healthy and what is not. You will learn to accept and love the perfectly imperfect you, which is what we all are.

Below I’ve listed ways to be treated for codependency. Not only are there books, but there are healing workshops, 12-step groups,** support groups, therapists specifically trained in trauma work and numerous online resources. I wish you the best on your journey to healing.

• Pia Mellody’s other books are, “The Intimacy Factor,” “Facing Love Addiction,” and “Breaking Free,” a workbook for her original book, “Facing Codependence.” She conducts workshops to train therapists in Scottsdale, Arizona, and the public can attend any trauma recovery workshop at the Meadows Trauma & Recovery Center, or find a a Pia Mellody-trained therapist in their area by contacting the Healing Trauma Network web site.

** Recovery programs such as Codependents Anonymous and AlAnon – look for one devoted to healthy relationships – are also very powerful ways to work on your issues.

“I thought people treating each other badly is the way life is,” said Rhonda as I watched her leg nervously shaking during her marriage therapy appointment, motioning toward husband, Jose. “Growing up, dating, and now being married, ugliness is all I’ve known. My parents were always screaming. I scream. I fight. I didn’t know there was another way. You’re kidding right?”

Uh no, Rhonda, I’m not.

Sometimes my job as a Marriage and Family Therapist involves explaining to clients like Rhonda what the characteristics of healthy marriages are. I do it when people tell me they’ve always thought that turmoil, mayhem, feeling insecure and walking on eggshells is just part of life and relationships. So let’s be clear – in marriage and life, it is absolutely not acceptable, normal, or healthy to call each other names, blame, threaten, manipulate, make ugly hand gestures, talk bad about, seek revenge, make snide remarks, shut down or not talk for days. Only very screwed up individuals do that.

Dysfunctional relationships abound and the divorce rate is ridiculously high, mostly due to ignorance and immaturity, but on the other end of the spectrum, do you know how many married couples are truly happy? Not many, my friends. My guess is 12 percent and I’m being generous. That’s why it is time for a Marriage Revolution, and we all know it’s time. Because my life is dedicated to this possibility, I am declaring myself President and chief decider of how it will be done.

A Marriage Revolution will raise the marital happiness rate from 12 to 87 percent. We will begin in stage one by teaching every adult how to be happy as an individual. Before being released to date, singles will have to spend one year living alone and not in a relationship. After graduation, individuals will move into stage two where they will study extensively about how to have a healthy romantic relationship. Once education is completed, stage three will begin when a license is issued that will allow people to date and be in a committed relationship – no one may date without a license. Couples entering into relationships will check with highly-trained assessment officers every two months to see if the relationship is healthy and positive, and a decision will be made about whether it may continue. After three years couples who successfully complete the dating period may apply for a marriage license.

After this process, there will be a high possibility of having a healthy marriage. The goal will be to enter an exceedingly happy and satisfied group known as The Very Married.

So how do we find the motivation to change a society? Happiness and inner peace should be enticement enough, but it’s not. Perhaps keeping in mind the horrific toll divorce takes on adults and their children mentally, emotionally and financially might do the trick. After all, most of us have been directly affected in a very bad way by divorce. Do we really want to continue this societal insanity?

So here is an overview of what we are shooting for, and don’t scoff, it really is achievable. I know, because I have gone from being in the horrible kind of feeling trapped, life-sucking marriage to one that is actually a daily thrill and joy to be in:

Definition of The Very Married (TVM). Emotionally mature people** who enjoy a rock-solid union that hurricane winds could not destroy. The Very Married stand strongly together through the inevitable ups and downs of life. They are true best friends. They understand and take to heart the wedding vows, “to love, honor and cherish.”

Qualities of The Very Married:

1. Marriage is the major priority. The relationship is the most important thing. Yes TVM must work and pay the bills, and at times will be distracted for school or other issues and projects, but the focus always returns to the relationship.
2. Spouse before children and biological family. If you can’t do this, you can’t be The Very Married.
3. Think we, us, and our; not I, me and mine. Listen to the language The Very Married Use – “I can’t wait to tell Cyndi!” “Before we leave, let me call Bob and see if he would like me to bring him something to eat.” “We love to do things like that!”
4. They are friendly people socially, but exhibit an “I’m not available” attitude when away from their partner. The Very Married are not going to engage in dangerous, inappropriately personal or anti-marriage conversations with anyone, especially people they might be emotionally or physically attracted to.
5. Are loyal. They speak well of and defend their spouse when not together. They remain on each other’s side, even when it’s hard.
6. Interested in their partner’s interests. If he loves golf TVM at least might take a lesson or occasionally talk to him about it. If she loves collecting antiques he’ll start getting to know some things about it.
7. Appreciate one other when together, miss each other when apart.
8. Graciously support and encourage their partner the space to pursue their interests.
9. Trust. Once in, TVM partner trusts completely unless someone proves that it isn’t deserved.
10. Have a fundamental feeling that their relationship foundation is extremely solid. Both partners feel a rock-solid sense that the other is committed to the relationship.
11. Know that if they need their partner he or she will be there.
12. Are thoughtful. Need anything from the drugstore? I brought you that sushi you love. I recorded the golf tournament for you while you were gone.
13. Transparent. Nothing to hide and what you see is what you get.
14. Inappropriate encounters are reported immediately. “The guy who works in the vegetable department tried to give me his number, yesterday.” “I got a message on Facebook from my old high school girlfriend, would you like to see it?” “Nancy Jones told me that if I am ever single she wants to be the first to know.”
15. Exhibit decency, kindness, honesty and integrity.

One of the greatest things about being very married is that devoted couples report that the more they put into the relationship, the more they get out of it.  That is just another reason why The Very Married divorce rate stands at a solid zero percent.

*The following article contributed to the content in this blog: “http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-beat-the-odds-tips-from-the-very-married/” target=”_hplink”>http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-beat-the-odds-tips-from-the-very-married/
** Emotionally mature people are not boring by any stretch of the imagination. They have tons of fun, only their type of fun is not harmful to themselves and others.