Home Archives for Becky Whetstone
If divorce is unavoidable, here’s how to do it right.
August 14, 2016

 

 

 

I hate divorce. It’s extremely painful for everyone and leaves many lifelong ugly footprints in so many lives that I’ll do whatever I can to get people to stay together in a healthy way. Still, there are times when there just any fuel left to work on remaining together, and couples decided to divorce. Usually, both people in this situation are emotionally worn out, fearful and anxiety-filled – change is full of unknowns, it can be earthshakingly scary.

Even though divorcing couples don’t feel their best, most start off saying they don’t want things to be nasty, and certainly most reasonable people want to end their marriage in as peaceful way as possible, and that’s how they begin the process. Then the lawyers get involved and the being reasonable mojo is lost. Here’s an example of what is likely to happen:

A. Jim files for divorce. Sue gets a letter and copy of the filing from Jim’s lawyer. She reads it sees that they will be asking for full custody of their children, he wants all of his business he has built, and she will receive no financial support.
B. Sue freaks out and yells at Jim with Mama Bear ferocity.
C. Sue’s lawyer writes Jim’s lawyer and says Sue wants half of the business, 100 percent of her retirement, and wants alimony of more than half his salary and full custody of the children. The lawyer also says that if Jim is not forthcoming with the requests that all of the texts he has been sending to their child’s school teacher will be released to the school, their family, and their friends.
D. Jim freaks out and calls Sue and calls her names she’s never heard him say before.
E. The divorce nightmare begins.

Because I have experienced this personally and have seen it unfold hundreds of times in my work, it has become obvious that something needs to be done to prevent it. Toward that end, here are some ways a divorcing couple can save themselves from all the unnecessary misery:

1. Promise yourself you won’t take the low road. You can’t control your spouse but you can control yourself. Stay as rational, reasonable and respectful as you possibly can no matter what. If you need anti-depressants to help you through, get them.
2. Hire a counselor to lean on. You’re going to need someone to vent to, lean on, coach and help you process things that will be happening and have it be 100 percent safe.
3. Hire a collaborative lawyer and/or mediator. Most lawyers are trained to be adversarial attack dogs with no concern for how their dirty tactics will affect the family who will be living with the aftermath. They want to win at all cost. Collaborative lawyers and mediators are compromise and settlement-minded. They agree from the start to negotiate and work it out, and to not take any of it to the court house.
4. Control and oversee your lawyer. Have a clear understanding with your lawyer or whoever you’re working with that nastiness and aggression will not be tolerated and that you are to approve every message and document that is sent to your spouse or their representative before is sent.
5. Continue to see and communicate with each other in divorce counseling. Hire a family counselor who can provide a safe place for you to communicate and tie up loose ends concerning your lives, children, property and settlement issues. If you have children you will be working together on some level for life, and you owe it to them to get along and be cooperative.

Divorce brings out the worst in people. It strikes us at a core level of primal fears involving safety and survival. It takes a lot of awareness, mindfulness and self-discipline to get through it without creating self and collateral damage, but I am here to tell you that it absolutely can be done. If you ask me, it’s worth it.

Filed Under: News Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , ,
August 10, 2016

Note: This post was inspired by Huffington Post Divorce Editor Brittany Wong who asked me this question for an article she is writing. I sat down, thought about it, and here is the result … I think it is great info … hope you like it!

It happens all the time. A potential client calls about marriage therapy and says, “I don’t think my husband/wife will come in, should I come anyway?” The answer is always, “Absolutely!”

Why? The answer is found in how it will all play out …

Think of the family system as a machine. Family therapists think of a family as a machine with different pieces and parts inside, and each person represents a vital part of the machine. Some family machines function well, meaning people get along, are respectful, they communicate and are basically content. Family machines that don’t function well have characteristics that tend to run hot and cold; brawling, fights for power, disrespect, withdrawing and isolating. When a family is like that, the first place therapists look is at the parent’s relationship.

If one part of the machine changes, the rest of it will, too. Marriage therapists know that if we can get one person in the couple to change their actions and behavior in a more positive and functional way, it will affect the rest of the family machine positively at the same time, or at the very least will shake up the family, forcing them to change.

Spouse does therapy alone. Usually mom (yes, it’s usually mom) is unhappy with dad and tries to change the system by making a strong stand, and dad is having none of it. Feeling desperate about what to do, she comes to therapy alone for wise advice and strategies. We’ll teach her about what healthy relationships look, smell and taste like and to create that for herself.

Implementation. Mom takes the information home and tries to force a change in the system. This may mean that she no longer puts up with things she used to or she starts doing things she wouldn’t agree to do before. She might change herself, learn to set boundaries, and to be more engaged in the marriage. This is where the rubber meets the pavement. If dad isn’t responsive to her attempts to bring the family back into functionality, she may well give up and divorce him. If he is responsive, a marriage may be saved.

No matter what, the person who gets the therapy alone wins. Whether the relationship survives or not, the person who went to therapy alone will have the peace of mind knowing that she did all she could to improve and save the marriage. This peace of mind is essential for herself, and for the family and friends who will also be affected by her decision to divorce.

With all of that said, I personally get very sad when I become aware of when a husband or wife won’t accompany their spouse to couple’s therapy. I have thought about it, and the only conclusion I can come to is that some people are afraid of facing their personal and relational flaws and would rather look the other way than deal with them. Others are afraid of the unknown that comes with change, even when staying the same means staying unhappy. For them I can only say what I tell all of my fearful clients, “Fear is not your friend.”

Filed Under: News Tagged: , , , , ,
August 10, 2016

Note: This article was inspired by Brittany Wong, editor of the Huffington Post Divorce Section, who asked me to provide her some comments for the article she was writing. Check out my take on it below, and check out the result of her article here.

Common sense says that in a relationship with someone, the bar would be set to always be considerate and kind to one another, but we all know in far too many marriages that’s not the case. Every marriage therapist has experienced a cringe and wince factor when it comes to what couples say to each other, both in session and happenings reported when away from the therapist. I always tell clients there is no excuse or justification for hitting below the belt or offering unsolicited criticism, but does that stop them? No way.

The verbal crimes come from both genders, of course, but when it comes to what people say to their wives, here are some of the phrases that made me wince the most and should never be said:

  • You’re getting to be just like (place name here). If the woman knows the person you are comparing her to is not a great lady or gentleman, this will send her hurt and anger meter into the stratosphere. Comparing her to anyone you don’t admire is always a bad idea.
  • You’ll never be like (place name here). On the opposite end of the comparison coin, now the husband is telling her she doesn’t measure up to someone else. Always a bad idea, and people do it when talking about life’s most sensitive subjects like sex, character, integrity, physical looks, personality and skills and duties like cooking, cleaning, parenting,
  • I never loved you. Disappointed and angry spouses love to rewrite history. They tend to view it through a lens that conveniently leaves out the good and amplifies the bad. Don’t believe it when your spouse tells you this … he’s just doing some creative editing of the past.
  • I’m done. This one is said so much it has become the crying wolf phrase of many marriages. I tell clients these are very serious words and when you’re married they scare your spouse when said. So, never bandy about with with the idea you are leaving, unless you really are.
  • You have destroyed our children. Hmmm, and you allowed it? Believe me, it takes two parents to properly screw up children, so if your kids are a mess, as in not growing up, thriving, becoming independent and/or getting into trouble, a big part of that rests on both of your shoulders. Look in the mirror, folks.
  • You … never, should, ought to, or are (fill in blank here with something preachy or critical). So you know better than your spouse does what is in her best interest and what she should or shouldn’t be doing? It’s not so much in what you say as in how you present it, as in making it sound like you know better. No adult on the planet wants an unsolicited lecture about what is best for them, and they certainly don’t want to be told what they lack.
  • You are frigid, so let’s get you some sex therapy. Guys, I’ve just got to tell you, in most cases there is nothing wrong with your woman sexually if she has formerly been responsive, and now she is not. It’s either something physiological like hormones or depression, or maybe you haven’t been very kind, cherishing and respectful to her lately.
  • It’s my money, my business, my world, and if we get divorced I’ll leave you destitute, take the children, and you’ll be a homeless person. When marriages are on the rocks it pains me how one spouse will put the fear of God in the other about how a split will go down. “I will get it all, you will get nothing, and I will prove to the court you are a terrible person.” Why would anyone want to stay married to someone who would wish such an outcome?

OK, I could write these never-says for both genders all day long. There are so many, but you get the idea. If a relationship gets so bad that things like the above phrases are being tossed around, you either need to get serious help immediately or split up and then get help. There is no excuse for talking to any human being in these ways, and if you do it, something is terribly wrong with you. If you put up with it, you’re just as messed up.

 

 

Filed Under: News