Home Archives for Becky Whetstone
August 31, 2016

Roger is 45 and called to make an appointment. “My wife has changed overnight,” he says. “And she won’t come in to therapy. Help me, what should I do?”

As an experienced marriage therapist, I’m thinking, “She might be having an affair,” and when I ask the husband if she is, he says, “I really don’t think so. She says she isn’t.” At this point I think, “Sounds like he may be in denial, but maybe not …”

Love affairs cast an emotional speIl on people, and when they become infatuated with someone else their behavior will change suddenly. In the cases where isn’t an affair and a wife’s behavior changes, you can be sure she has at least reached a point where she has decided to turn her back on the marriage due to frustration and disillusionment with her husband. She may have made requests of him that have been ignored, waved and danced around trying to get his attention on improving the marriage, and has now given up. When this happens, there are numerous signs that will indicate her shift. Here is what to look for:

  • She starts doing activities away from the marriage that don’t include you. She is seriously unhappy in the relationship but not ready to leave. She tells herself that she can exist in the unhappy marriage so long as she disconnects and does her own thing as much as possible. This could be new friends, a new lifestyle, an affair, going back to school, trips alone, new activities like exercise, bicycling, yoga.
  • Her attitude is no longer respectful. She used to treat you with kindness and consideration, but now she doesn’t bother. She may make snide or sarcastic remarks, and stop editing herself with you and around others.
  • She is less cooperative. She used to be helpful and accommodating. Now not so much: “Pick up your own take-out food,” Bucko, “And while you’re at it, I will no longer be responsible for taking your mother to the doctor.”
  • She speaks brutal truths. You know how nice I’ve been to your family all of these years?” she says. “Well, the truth is I hate them all, and I hate you, too. I hate your shoes, and the way you hold the newspaper and slurp your coffee in the morning.”

When your wife starts acting in these ways, your married days are numbered. Sometimes it is too late to stop the marital deterioration at this point, but many other times a marriage can be saved with a good Marriage and Family Therapist, especially if your spouse is not emotionally involved with someone else. It depends on your individual situation and the history of your relationship. One thing is for sure, however, if your spouse starts distancing, you had better wake up and hear what she has been trying to tell you or your marriage will end. Distancing always signals her loss of hope for the relationship she has with you, and she’s just going through the normal human process of disconnecting.

Filed Under: News
August 30, 2016

Oprah and Stedman

Oprah and Stedman

Put two people in a room and they’re going to compare themselves to one another other – that’s what humans do. The same is true of two people who are married, each looks at the other and decides who’s the best, the strongest, smartest, nicest, who does the most – ugh – power struggles are inevitable. That’s why marriage therapists know that the more evenly balanced a couple is in beginning, the more likely their marriage is to succeed.

We therapists think of these areas where couples compete or compare as areas of power. For example, beauty is power. So is money. And who has the most of any of these things is likely to be perceived as having more power. Here are a few more areas where power struggles show up:

•  Age
•  Education
*  Family of origin
•  Health
•  Success
•  Intelligence
•  Energy level
•  Confidence
•  Bowling score (Just kidding, but if you are way better at one skill than your spouse, it conceivably could be an issue).

Being as evenly balanced as possible is important because then we won’t have to deal with things like fear, envy, jealously and resentment because of what your spouse has that you don’t. Example: If Suzette is prettier than I am and has more money and success, I might feel envious of her and worry that she’ll leave me for what I consider to be a higher quality mate. I also might resent her for the positive strokes she gets in her life while I get little or no acknowledgement at all. This is how power trouble starts in relationships.

Success is a common area where couples experience an imbalance of power. Here’s a few common combos that put relationships at risk:

•  One-sided. He has it and she doesn’t.
•  Flip-flop. They both had it but one person loses it. The other person gets it.
•  One-sided shifts to balance. He has it, she eventually gets it, and he can’t cope with her new-found success.

What the real destructive issue is, is lack of self-confidence and self-esteem in one or both of the partners. If you have a woman who knows who she is, feels good about herself, and feels empowered to do or not do whatever she wants, she will be able to deal with a more successful husband and vice versa.

For those that don’t have self-confidence and self-esteem, what are you waiting for? I implore you to dig in and do what it takes to feel good about you and your life. Passionately pursue something that intrigues you – go to school, start a business, become a writer or photographer, mechanic, cosmetician or whatever you find interesting and satisfying. Feeling good about yourself is the anecdote to comparing yourself negatively to your successful partner. B for yourself in case the marriage doesn’t work out.

Now, a word to the successful spouse …

The biggest issue I see with successful spouses versus the spouse who either stays at home or makes less income, is that they get territorial about the fruits of their success … some tend to refer to the money in the bank account as “my money,” or make comments such as, “Who do you think bought this nice house we’re living in?” Another destructive doozy is, “If we get divorced you’ll have to go back to living in a cheap apartment” or “Without me you’d still be living with your parents.” These sorts of remarks do show up often in my marriage therapy practice and I assure you will have no positive outcome and should never be said.

Anytime you say something to your partner that is even a smidge demeaning, threatening or dominating, it will not help them feel good about themselves and it will make you look like an overlord and bully, so don’t do it. Once said, these sorts of ugly words are never forgotten and will sow major seeds of resentment.

If you are the more successful partner in your relationship, take the Stedman and Oprah approach: Stedman has his own successful career and must know he will never make as much money as Oprah, but he has enough self-confidence to be OK with himself and what he does to not to be threatened by her success. As for O, you can bet she doesn’t rub his nose in it and never thinks of herself as better than or more worthy of a person than he is. I think it takes a special person to be in Stedman’s position, but it takes a classy, not-defined-by-her success, humble person to still see a guy like Stedman as her equal and to treat him as such. Those two types of comfortable-in-their-own-skin, OK-as-is personalities are hard to find.

The bottom line of dealing with the I-am-more-successful-than-you situation in marriage is to never use your power against your partner; always treat them as your equal; understand that your worth is inherent, comes from the inside and not from what you do, have or who you know; and to always support and cheer your partner on in whatever they choose to make of their life. Love who you love, as is.

Filed Under: News Tagged: , , ,
August 15, 2016

Note: Brittany Wong, editor of the Huffington Post divorce page asked me what are some commonly overlooked issues that affect relationships negatively, and I knew immediately what my answer would be. I sent her my comments for an article she is writing on the subject, but as usual I wrote an entire article myself … here’s the result.

Couples often come in to therapy complaining of communication, intimacy and money issues, but there’s another issue that is a big deal and almost always overlooked – it’s shame, or the terrible relationship a person has with their self.

Shame-filled people, and that’s almost all of us, believe at their core that they are defective and something is wrong with them. They beat themselves up for not being good, smart, attractive, athletic or charismatic enough, or for not fitting in. They’re easily injured emotionally, are manipulative, defensive and live life as phonies trying to be who they think they “should” be, rather than who they are. A certain segment of the shame-filled community just gives up on being an effective human being altogether.

Having a low opinion of yourself trickles down negatively to almost every aspect of marriage and ends up being the root cause of virtually every problem – from abuse, adultery and addiction to being dependent, boundary-less, a control freak, narcissistic and countless other dysfunctional ways of being. At the end of the day, a person who is shame-filled cannot have a healthy relationship with another person. That is why I yell from the rooftops that shame is the No. 1 cause of divorce in America and the world.

It really is true that if you don’t love yourself you can’t love anyone else. So another overlooked aspect of relationships is the absolute necessity to bring your best self in mind, body and spirit to your significant romantic relationship. That means if we want to be in a relationship and have it be healthy, we have to start with a healthy self. Bring your best healthiest self to the relationship, work to maintain that, hook up with a mate who is dedicated to doing the same, and you have a fighting chance at having a healthy relationship.

Instead, what I usually see is people who are not mentally, emotionally and physically healthy carrying a bunch of negative baggage into a relationship and then wondering why it doesn’t work. It all starts with each individual being as healthy as they can be.

I tell clients all the time that I practice what I preach. And you know what? Being healthy takes a lot of time and I have to plan for it. I have been working on my own shame issues for years, and feel that I am in recovery from the bad relationship I used to have with myself. I am now very good to me and make sure all my needs are met every day so that I can function well in every aspect of my life.

For my body and mind I know that walking at least 30 minutes a day is good for me physically, but also has proven qualities that enhance brain health and eliminate depression and anxiety. Why wouldn’t I do that? Well, to make it happen I have to get up at 6 am everyday so I can drink one cup of coffee (must have!) and then walk a 45-minute route near my house and still get to work by 9 am. That’s hard, because I am not a morning person, but I do it. The result is that I feel great and have plenty of energy, and I’m in a great mood for the rest of the day.

I’ve noticed that certain foods contribute to how good I feel during the day, and other foods weigh me down. So I take the time to cook healthy meals at home and pack them every morning to take to work. I almost never do lunch or eat take out.

During the day I work at a job that brings me joy, makes a difference on people’s lives and helps me make a pretty good living for my family. I always look forward to work, and am energized at the end of most days when I leave. When I get home I have a healthy relationship waiting for me that I spend a lot of time nurturing and taking care of as well. This contributes greatly to my quality of life, as do our two little dogs who make us laugh every day.

As I work through my days I pay attention to how I feel and keep doing the things I love, and eliminate the things and people who drag me down. It’s Mental Health Management 101. I have conversations with the people I need to so that we can get along, make changes and adjustments, and make our relationships better. I read about healthy relationships and mind and body healthy consistently so I can learn even more about awareness, mindfulness and how to be healthy in the midst of a busy life.

By 9 pm I’m heading off to bed. I was always a night owl, but I’ve changed it so I can get up at 6 for that walk and still feel good the rest of the day. I read in bed for an hour or so, and then call it a day. When the weekend comes I’ll get plenty of rest and exercise, and do the leisure activities and nurture the friendships I enjoy.

What I just wrote about takes a lot of time. Most people I work with have never even thought of working on shame, their relationship with themselves, or have ever thought for more than two minutes about the foods they put in their mouth or how to take action to have a great relationship. And you know what? It shows in how they feel, how their relationships work, and how happy in life they are.

Filed Under: News Tagged: , , , , ,