Join Doctor Becky on Zoom

For years, I have begged friends not to marry a man or woman with minor age children. Marriage is hard without the added unique challenges of children from other relationships, not to mention the wild card known as the former spouse. Some former mates are almost effortless to deal with, others behave like the devil’s spawn, and then there’s everything in between. The divorce rate is 25 percent higher in stepfamilies than in first marriages because of all the reasons you are about to learn. So, I must ask, if you have the choice, why do that to yourself? But alas, love creates blindness, and rationality is often lost. No one I know has yet run the other way when they meet an appealing single person with minor-age kids, except maybe me.

For a long time, there wasn’t much information on the subject, but today that’s not true. In recent decades, helpful research and information have become widely available because the problem is widespread. As I searched for legitimate and respected information while writing my (still) unpublished book, I discovered the work of Dr. Patricia Papernow, Director of the Institute for Stepfamily Education and a psychologist in private practice in Hudson, MA. Dr. Papernow has studied the subject for several decades and has written books, including one that encompasses her work, Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships and the Stepfamily Handbook. (1) Her work is so valuable that I wanted to break down the main points she drives home and share — maybe we can save a few more families.

The first thing is Dr. Papernow has stopped using the term blended family, as it creates expectations that may not be realistic. The idea that a family will blend in harmony and fun like the iconic Brady Bunch is a fantasy, and to make your new stepfamily work, this truth must be accepted. No one likes to be forced to do anything, right? And nothing forces people to be in a situation they don’t want to be in more than the stepfamily dynamic. Every person in a newly formed stepfamily is probably thinking, Give me my space; be kind and empathetic about how difficult it is; don’t make me do anything with the new family members, and I might be able to ease my way into accepting it. Another important point is that remarriages are equally as difficult for adult children, even though they may not be living with the new couple. I can’t tell you how many distressed adult children of divorce and remarriage I have spoken with over the years, wishing for the days when it was just them and their birth parents. All the research here applies to stepfamilies, no matter the age. For this article, we’ll follow Dr. Papernow’s preference and use the term stepfamily. (1)

Five Challenges of Stepfamilies

1. Biological or original parents are stuck insiders in a stepfamily, and stepparents are often stuck outsiders. Though you may be a new couple in love and excited about your new lives together, having children with a former mate means you and your children have a long-term alliance that can leave the stepparent feeling stuck on the outside. To be a stuck insider means you are in a long-established group that has already formed strong bonds.

2. Children struggle with losses, loyalty binds, and too much change. For the couple, the change may be welcome, but in general, children don’t want it and will only attempt to tolerate it. Why? Because they want their parent to be happy. Also, if a child ends up liking their parent’s new partner, they may feel they’re being disloyal to their other parent. The losses and adjustments to the many changes mean stress and a grief process for the child.

3. Stepfamily dynamics polarize the adults around parenting tasks. The guilt felt by a biological parent may create a more permissive attitude, while a stepparent may push toward a more authoritarian style. Neither serves children’s needs.

4. Stepfamilies must create a new family culture while navigating a sea of differences. People are raised differently and have different personalities. A new stepparent who believes children must earn things rather than be given things will clash with a parent who is happy to provide. Battles between what is right and wrong take families down.

5. Ex-spouses, whether alive, destructive, or dead, are forever a part of the family. Even bad or non-existent parents hold a place in a child’s heart. This must be respected.

I’ve seen all these scenarios in my clinical practice with family members, and I’ve experienced a few myself. When I divorced my children’s dad in 1993, he soon remarried. Their new stepmother had no children and had completely different ideas about parenting than they were used to. She was strict, and though their dad made vast amounts of money as a surgeon, the stepmother was against spending much of it on the children. The way my children tell it, their dad was so afraid of going through another divorce that he rarely intervened with what the kids saw as her unreasonableness. She would measure their bath water to be no more than six inches (our state was drought-prone), a photo of their mother (me) was not allowed to be displayed in the house, and when they were young teens, before legally able to work, they were told if they needed new clothes to “buy them yourself.” Benjamin and Casey ended up loving, but not liking, her, and they resented their dad for allowing her to pull them out of the lifestyle they were accustomed to. Of course, I could do nothing but love and support them, attempt to repair what I could, and learn from it, but it was painful to watch.

When I talk to stepparents, I tell them they have signed up for an almost impossible job. It is rare for stepchildren to fully appreciate them, and it is a lifestyle of giving and not receiving much in return. If the children are very small, it might be reasonable to parent them, but you must acquiesce to the biological parent as the final word for how it will be done. If they are older, parenting is off the table for a stepparent. Only the stance of a good, supportive friend will be effective, and the biological parent must deal with all disciplinary actions. It’s hard to stand by and take a backseat when you are one of two adults in a family, and what’s happening offends your sensibilities, but that is the plight of the stepparent. For the biological parents, I sympathize with the feelings of being torn between wanting to make your new partner happy and not wanting to neglect or injure your children. There are so many ways for blended families to go south; this is why I encourage single people to steer clear.

When Papernow counsels stepfamilies, she uses a three-pronged process based on educating and informing the adults. 1. Psychoeducational, 2. Interpersonal skills, and 3. Intrapsychic dynamics. Here are the basics of each …

Psychoeducational. What is commonly known to work in first-time families may not be true for stepfamilies. For example, in a first-time family, the parent’s marriage should come first, then the children. But in stepfamilies, the opposite is true. Divorce is foisted on children and often presents upheaval and unwanted changes. That is why, if first-time families with children choose to divorce, they must then put their children’s needs above their own and get them raised healthily, first and foremost. If I had my way, parents of younger children would not bring a new partner into the picture until they are in their teen years and begin focusing more on friends and independence. Also, melding a family is a process that takes time. At best, Papernow says, it takes two years for families to reach equilibrium and four years to adjust to the stepfamily dynamic. It is important to understand that stepfamilies are different animals altogether than first-time families, and challenges are often most intense when the whole family is together. So, not forcing everyone to be together is a helpful intervention that needs to be available and kept in mind.

Other important things to be aware of are that difficulty adjusting and intense feelings are normal in stepfamilies. Stepparents also should have breaks from the family dynamic, so, if possible, a private retreat space should be carved out for them to find respite and refuel.

Half of the couples that form stepfamilies will have a child of their own. There is a 50/50 chance either way whether this will help or hurt the new family dynamic. A stepmother having her first biological child may fall so in love with her new baby that stepchildren may become yesterday’s news. Her new close relationship with the child may cause stepchildren to feel like stuck outsiders.

Some situations are easier than others:

1. Simple stepfamily. One parent has a child. The easiest stepfamily dynamic.

2. Complex Stepfamily. Both parents have children. Stepmothers with stepdaughters are more challenging than stepfather/ stepchild relationships. Adolescents have a harder time adjusting than children under 9, and girls have a harder time than boys.

Successful stepfamilies.

Both the insider parent and outsider parent, and insider/outsider children need to be supported. It’s a position where both sides will often struggle. Unrealistic expectations often abound, and empathy is often in short supply in stepfamilies that don’t get along, yet it is the most important ingredient. I feel for the parents torn between trying to make their children happy and their new spouse happy. It is one of the worst feelings in the world. I also feel deeply for the stepparent, who feels like an outsider in a group that has long been established. Each person in the family must receive one-on-one time. The term blended family suggests that individuals will always be together, but this is not the way for every person to get their needs met. The couple needs alone time, and each child needs alone time with each adult. A stepparent spending alone time with each child will help them build their own bonds. The couple needs to ensure they have both problem-solving time and playtime.

Successful parenting has a few ingredients that apply to all families but are in short supply. Dan Hughes developed an acronym for the kind of parenting that creates secure attachment, PLACE. Playful, Loving, Accepting, Curious, and Empathic. (2) Keep these in mind as you parent your children.

1. Introduce a new stepparent slowly and gradually.

2. Require stepparents and children to be civil, not love. If love happens, great, but we cannot require it.

3. Be aware of activities where insiders are experienced, and outsiders are not. If the parent and children are experienced skiers, perhaps they can ski on their own, while later, find an activity that includes the stepparent where everyone is on the same level.

4. Keep physical affection between the new couple private.

5. Respect personal boundaries. Wear bathrobes. Every family member should remain fully covered in front of one another.

6. Allow and encourage the children to openly honor, love, and enjoy their close bond with their other parent.

7. No complaining or negative remarks about the former spouse in front of the child. Ever.

8. Be open-minded to reports from the other parent. I understand that some former spouses can be manipulative. Still, if you can have a cordial co-parenting relationship where you can both share observations about your child, it is extremely beneficial. I did not have this, and I’d have given anything if I had.

9. Give those who don’t get along or don’t want to blend space and time. Don’t force anyone to be with anyone. Honor each person’s feelings and sensibilities. Protect the children and set clear rules for respectful behavior.

10. Blaming the child for reacting negatively to an exceedingly difficult experience is the wrong path. Only understanding and empathy for what the child has gone through will reap rewards. If a child does act out, a parent should ask, have I given them enough alone time? Am I aware of their unique challenges? Am I empathetic? Is our new home, or the relationship with their other parent, full of conflict? Am I moving my child too fast to blend into the new family?

11. Never force your child to have a relationship with the stepparent. Civility is the most we can shoot for. If love and respect enter the picture, great.

Interpersonal skills.

1. Parents need to be aware of how difficult the stepparent’s role is and express it through empathy. You may never agree on certain things, but you can care and note how hard things can be.

2. Being a stepparent is different from being a parent. Acceptance, empathy, and flexibility with each stepchild may work well. Control, rigidity, do not.

3. Learn to join. When the stepparent and stepchild get stuck in a “we’ve been over this” situation, try empathy. Stepmother to stepdaughter: “Agatha, I see you are frustrated. You’ve been through so much, and I see how difficult it is, I’m so sorry.”

4. Ask, what happens inside you when …” Exploring how a person feels inside during or following conflict can help. “When you feel left out, how do you feel inside?” “My head hurts, and my stomach twists up.” “No one would like that, would they?”

5. Let people feel how they feel. Honor the feelings of everyone in the family. Don’t diminish or negate feelings. Talk about them.

Intrapsychic Issues. Being an outsider can trigger toxic shame attacks. What that means is that if I am the stepmother and my spouse continually sets the family up in situations where I feel like an outsider, it will strike my “I’m not good enough” wound, and my sympathetic nervous system will likely fire. I will get activated like a mammal under threat, going into the fight, flight, or freeze response, where immature and damaging reactions and responses occur. The reason I got activated is that I felt left out, alone, or not included, which are common painful issues that would provoke negative feelings in almost anyone. If I was treated like an outsider in my biological family and am now treated like one in my new family, it may re-traumatize me and be quite agonizing. The insider parent can also get triggered, feeling torn between two camps they dearly love. Sometimes, relating these situations that are happening now to similar painful situations in the past will help lessen the pain moving forward. A trauma therapist can help a person heal old wounds that continue to come up in adulthood. When people notice their sympathetic nervous system is firing, slowing themselves down before responding is always the best answer.

Things to be aware of:

• Joining a stepfamily is often more stressful for children than the divorce was. (2)
• The children often perceive their parent’s new relationship as a “loss of parental time and attention.”(3)
• Parent-child relationships are very vulnerable in early remarriage, “becoming more distant, conflicted, and negative, just when children most need warm, responsive parenting.” (Cartwright, 2008).
• Loyalty binds are normal. The idea that if a child comes to adore their stepparent, they are being disloyal to the other parent is real. If co-parents don’t get along, this problem increases. (4)
• The quicker a family tries to blend, the more conflict there will be.
• Validation of each person’s feelings as real and important will go a long way toward each person ultimately adjusting to and accepting the new family dynamic.
• Children can recover from divorce in two years while adjusting to a new stepfamily can take two to seven years or more. The possibility exists that it will never happen. (5)
• Over time, many of the issues faced early on in stepfamilies eventually soften or disappear.
• The most important factors for children having a positive adjustment to divorce and a new stepfamily are the quality of the parent-child relationship and the level of conflict. (6)

Laced through this conversation about stepfamilies is the subject of empathy. The situation makes it ripe for everyone in the family to bring their most toxic self to the conversation when the opposite is what is called for. One of the biggest problems I have seen is that too many new stepfamilies try to force children to go along with the new situation pleasantly and wholeheartedly, which is the same as saying, “Don’t tell me how you really feel, I don’t want to hear it. Do what I tell you.” Forcing a child to swallow it whole and not allow them to ease into it at their own pace is a recipe for disaster. Every person’s role in the new family should be respected empathetically. Everyone will face difficulties and struggles, and there’s no way around it.

A word for great stepparents.

I have heard many horror stories from clients whom a stepparent verbally, emotionally, or sexually abused them. But for every one of those, I’ve also heard just as many who came to dearly love and appreciate their stepparent and view them with gratefulness. Having a strong bond with a stepparent is possible. I always imagine these unsung heroes who step up in our culture and help raise someone else’s child as angels. It is because of them that I haven’t completely gone postal about the idea of blending families in the first place. When it works, it’s the most beautiful, positive thing.

One last thing.

This is not all there is to know about success as a stepfamily. I urge anyone considering it, or already in it, to read all you can about it, as there is so much more wonderful information about how to pull it off. Hire a family therapist to help you in real-time as you struggle through the inevitable pitfalls. Work on your own trauma wounds so that taking things personally is rare. Learn how to be responsible for your own happiness and contentment when others can’t or won’t give you what you need. If you are a biological or stepparent, promise yourselves that you will be the adults in the room, and demonstrate to children and step children how adults handle complicated situations. No one will or has to agree on everything, but learn how to show empathy to other individual’s points of view, even when you don’t get it. Having open communication, respecting all points of view and each person’s different needs, and accepting each person wherever they are can make the difference between a struggling stepfamily and a strong one. Marriage is for adults, I always say, but being a successful step-family mandates it. If you choose to take on this new life, it will challenge you like nothing else.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a private practice in Little Rock, Arkansas, as a life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.

Resources

(1) Papernow, P. L. (2013). Surviving and thriving in stepfamily relationships: What works and what doesn’t. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.

(2) Hughes, D. (2007). Attachment focused family therapy. New York: W.W. Norton.

(3) Ahrons, C.R. (2007). family ties after divorce: Long-term indications for children. Family Process, 46 1), 53–65.

(4) Cartwright, C. (2008). Resident parent-child relationships in stepfamilies. In J. Pryor (ed.), The international handbook of stepfamilies: Policy, and practice in legal, research, and clinical environments (pp. 208–230). Hoboken, NJ: Wiley.

(5)Pasley, K., & Lee, M. (2010). Stress and coping in the context of stepfamily life. In C. Price & s.H. Price (Eds.), Families and change: Coping with stressful life events (3rd ed.) (pp. 233–259). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

(6) Time needed for stepfamily adjustment: Cherlin and Furstenburg (1994), Hetherington and Jodl (1994), Ihinger-Tallman and Pasley (1997) Papernow ((1993).

(7) Lansford, J.E., Ceballo, R., Abbey, A., & Stewart, AJ. (2001) Does family structure matter? A comparison of adoptive, two-parent biological, single-mother, stepfather, and stepmother households. Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(3), 840–851.