What’s Reasonable to Ask of Your Spouse

Clients in couples therapy bring with them a story. The same story could be told 100 different ways by 100 different people, as we all have our own point-of-view, but the story a client tells, the way they tell it, and the meaning they give it is all very important information. For the therapist, these stories can be like a puzzle to solve, as if we are untangling some sort of mystery. We must figure out what is making two people so unhappy, what each is capable of or willing to do about it, where are the land mines or deal breakers, and how to turn a toxic relationship into a happy relationship. In the middle of this are wounds, trauma, and intense feelings. At the end of the day, it’s the therapist’s job to guide the couple through and around the obstacles.

Some of the most eye-opening things I have heard in couple’s therapy are often found in how far some spouses are willing to push one another. By push, I mean pressure their partner to do things they don’t feel comfortable with. In therapy, ordinarily, couples ask for more quality time, date nights, physical touch, and affection, or more of a romantic relationship. These are the easy things. But the things some spouses pressure their partner to do… oh my, it’d make your head spin.

My favorite thing to impart to any client is that no one has the right to tell another adult what to do, but I tell clients we all have the right to make a request. The tricky part is that the requests you make of your partner must be reasonable. But who decides what is reasonable? For instance, “I’d like to request that you tell me why you did not come home last night,” might seem like a reasonable request, while “I need you to text me every hour we’re apart to let me know you’re OK,” may sound unreasonable. What is unreasonable to one person may seem very reasonable to another. The face of a spouse who is insecure and anxious is heartbreaking when I tell them they should not expect constant texting throughout the day, but what she’s asking isn’t healthy. A therapist will tell a client that when you don’t get what you want in life, you must practice self-care. Soothe that hurt little child within.​